How do you get on with In Laws ie son or daughter in law

Just catching up on the replies.
There are some lucky ladies out there.
I have tried very hard but now I just accept that things are what they are.
ALLALONG AGATHA - when I said My DIL does nothing for me, an example was when I was very poorly in hospital she never once visited me when I came out and I was housebound for several weeks. I don't think she had a close relationship with her own mother so maybe has no role model. I do accept the situation and I still try hard to please, I just wondered how other people's experiences compared.

My daughter in law never communicates with me even if it's an emergency.
Neither are gifts acknowledged.
I've given up sending them.

In the beginning , I was thrilled that my son had met someone else having had a traumatic break up with his long term girlfriend.
My son could not get work in her country and she could ,
but did not want to work here.

I don't know what is wrong with my DIL ,but their house is an unhygienic tip and she struggles with coping even with her own own appearance and hygiene.
She uses people as unpaid domestics or to do DIY.
She's very easily offended and can make nasty comments.
It's like walking on eggshells.

I'd hoped to have a great relationship with her having found my mother in law intimidating.
I'm so disappointed.

My MIL is a horrible person who I haven't had to see for many years now. I am thankful in this instance that we live in different states so it was easy to remove myself from her line of fire.

My future SIL is a wonderful man who reminds me of my husband at that age. In this instance, she really did marry her father and I couldn't be more happy because he is an amazing man too.

I loved both my MILs - they were better to me than my own mother. One (step) FIL was a darling who could not do enough for me.

My DIL is a very very busy woman, but she is there for me any time, and she accepts and appreciates any help I offer.

I'm not having an easy time with DiL. We were closer, but my abusive husband (split 3 years now) was very abusive to her too and somehow we've never regained what there was before. That, is very sad but......

but I do suspect it's not just that - its just a bit a classic DiL MiL issue, that some DiL's "don't want to share their man" ie one's son. I get the odd put down (which I challenge lightly)

I tread carefully and things are OK. They have a difficult life - one severely disabled child, they don't get the time together they really need and I live too far away to help.

I'd also agree that it's partly a matter of chance. You can't just get on with anyone because they marry your son, if they are very different sort of people.

Youngerthanspringtime

Do you actually like and get on with your son in law or daughter in law? Or maybe you're really close and they are like a son/daughter to you?
I wish I could say that but I'm not at all close to my daughter in law and she does nothing for me. I do care in the fact that she's my son's wife and grandchildren's mother and wish her only good things and I give praise when due, I help out when she wants me to be around for after school cover etc but to be honest the fact that I don't see her much doesn't bother me, we have nothing in common apart from we love the same people. You will probably think, oh she senses that but I've tried various ways to get closer but to no avail. I just wonder if it's normal for there to be a distance between mothers in law and their sons/daughters spouses?

I would say, just leave as it is. It might even be better not to be close and all you need to do is be pleasant and always let them know, you are there for them. Better because when you get too close, you will be crushed if the marriages fail at some point. Happened to me, twice.

My son's marriage fell apart less than a year, luckily no grandkids to miss being around though. And, he only knew her one year before they got married, so we all were in a very introductory phase of the relationship.

But, I really cared for his wife, she and I had a lot in common and I thought of her so much I bought her a "daughter "bracelet for her birthday. Her parents were awesome too. I still miss them all. But, it's ok.

My daughters marriage fell apart differently; her soul mate of 15 years left her while pregnant, and my grandson, for a younger girl who's dad left her mom ,interestingly , only 2 years prior.

It was heart wrenching and yes, on top of the pain I felt for my daughter and grandson, I myself had felt he was my second son....even had my son's name as his middle name!

Now all that caused my daughter to become someone else, got mad when I offered to be an ear for her and instead listening a lot to her sister in law who's a mother hater and now my relationship with my daughter is almost non existent.

We used to hang around, go places like two best friends and now the only time I see her is a visit with grandkids, which is getting less and less as time goes on. She even got so possessive of her son, who was close to me, to the point of trying to turn him against me,

Even my little granddaughter, who didn't buy into it at all though, luckily. When my grandson started treating me bad, I let my daughter know both of them had told me some things she'd been saying to them behind my back. Up until then, I just tried to say nothing to her or them much.

She claimed it wasn't like that and that I was being paranoid (kids directly told me, so no) and then proceeded to blame me and things in her childhood I had nothing or any control over.

But besides all that, I did in fact care for my son in law, who basically dumped us all. That hurt too. It all hurts.

So, I had a close relationship with both my kid's exes and it just ended up in pain. So be glad, that will not happen to you, keep your distance, just be there when needed, be pleasant, let her know you care but don't worry about her caring back or if you two spend a lot of time together.

Just be glad things are running smooth and the family is all together. That is what is important.

I'm very lucky to have a lovely DiL. When they were newly married she had reason to travel between her parent's home and their marital home one weekend and stopped off to visit me as I lived between the 2 locations and it was a few hours drive. she arrived out of the blue and I said why didn't you let me know youwere coming. She said she didn't want me to be tied to staying in as I may have had other plans and if I'd been out she'd have found a motorway services to stop off. I was really pleased she'd chosen to visit and was considerate enough not to want me to be put out. I realised if she'd been driving with my son I'd have expected them to visit but on her own she had chosen to.When they moved across country during the pandemic they did the move in stages with her mother driving a small truck and each time they stopped off for lunch, even though it had to be sandwiches in the garden due to the restictions at the time. My house became known as 'Slough Services'! Over the years I've got to know her parents and her Granny and Uncles and Aunts. I sometiimes feel closer to some member of her extended family than I am to my own. My DD is still single but if she marries Ihope I'll have as good a relationship with her partner.

I get on ok with my DIL of 20 years but we are in no way close . We do chit chat but no in depth conversations. The poor girl lost her mother ten years ago and they had been very close and it’s possible that she is a bit resentful that I’m still here. I totally understand if that’s how she feels as I felt that way when my mum first died . I look after their teenage daughter a lot and do what I can to help .
My son in law is very close to me and would do anything for me but he adores my DD , his wife , and I think that transfers to me in some small ways.
My other DS has only been with his fiancé for two years but I’m quite close to her though I only see them about once a month . She’s so good for my DS and makes him very happy .

I'm very lucky in that my son-in-law of 12 years (been together about 15 years) is a really lovely guy and very popular. Everyone loves him. Also, my younger daughter's partner of 11 years is equally loved and also a really lovely person. They are both thought of very fondly by family members and friends.

We have a delightful DIL, she's a force of nature, works hard and looks after DS and their 2 boys. We also have a terrific SIL, DD's 2nd husband. We really loved her first husband & we're devastated when the marriage failed but, seeing her with her new man, it's quite obvious they were meant to be together. They suit each other perfectly, it's a joy to see them. Sadly, DD was unable to have children but SIL has 2 now in their early 20s. They are a very happy family unit and we're delighted how it's turned out.

I definitely have never had any luck with men in my own life, but I can honestly say I’ve struck gold with my 2 daughter in laws and my son in law, I absolutely adore them all. I feel so privileged to have gained 3 such kind and lovely people into my life. My daughter has just arranged for her and I to go on a long weekend to Venice with both daughter in laws, plus my 2 granddaughters and I’m over the moon. How lucky am I, and I do so feel for others who for whatever reason, cannot form close bonds with theirs.

monami

some are bitches

Blimey monami, you appear to have had a bad experience!

Mine are lovely! Both strong, independent characters but kind, gentle and thoughtful. Couldn’t ask for better partners for my AC.

I adore my Sil, he and my girl met at 16 and have been together for 13 years. They got married in 2025 and are very happy. My DD went through a very bad time when she was 14 and self harmed. She did tell me about it and I took her to counselling but the experience lingers. As soon as she met my future SIL he brought the life back in her eyes and me, my oh and ds love him for this. On her wedding day he told me he loved me and I told him the same. The best thing about him though is if my oh is being politically incorrect my sil puts him right in such a calm, respectful manner lol

My son's first wife was a control freak, but we tolerated her for his sake and the grandchild. But they parted thankgoodness and now he has another partner, and they have a child, she doesn't interact with us at all and is very closed, but that's fine, they have their lives and are adults, so we just stay in touch with them as much as we can.

I have two daughters in law. They are both lovely but one comes from a very different kind of family to ours and certainly lets us know! I think it’s more that she’s disappointed with us than us with her! Once they had children, she became more distant and although we don’t argue, it’s clear that she doesn’t get us at all. We have much more in common with our other d in law and so the relationship is closer. I think it’s all a minefield personally and a lot of tolerance is required!

I love my DIL to bits! She is a lovely girl & we do share a love of reading very similar books. Plus as we both have said we do love the same man-my son! We can be comfortable with each other & I feel I am lucky as she is more daughter than daughter in law. If I had a thousand woman lined up & was told to pick one for my son if my DIL was there she would be the one I would pick. They are very good together & bring up their children very well! So I am very lucky!

I have 2 son in laws and they are both like sons to me. After having an awful abusive marriage the two lads are just the best husbands and dads and that’s all I want for my 2 girls - I couldn’t have picked any better. I count myself very lucky

Only had 1 SIL. Tried to talk daughter out of marrying him to no success. Divorce going through shortly, thank the lord. Total waste of oxygen. No, I didn't get on with him. Left daughter with £5000 debts.

Our daughter in law is wonderful, if I had to chose between her and my son she would be an easy choice!
I have to say that I think it is really important to take care with this relationship. I'm lucky because she is lovely, but even if she had been a real cow I would have definitely gone the extra mile to stay on good terms with her.

some are bitches

All 3 daughter chose good men with good families we get on fine with all of them.
My wife told all 3 girls to make MIL a friend if they want an easier life, they did just that and were actually closer to MIL than their mother.

I just read this whole thread, at last.

Grammaretto, your last sentence made me laugh,
I wish my own MiL had abided by this golden rule

I get on fine with my SiL the husband of my eldest daughter.
They met first day of VI form college and have been together ever since, 32 years, a devoted couple with their own daughter now 14.
So man and boy.
He is a charismatic family man of integrity and forebearance.
I think of him as another son really.
His mother and I are close friends too which helps.

I fell in love with my DiL at first sight. I still do not understand how such a lovely woman was prepared to take on DS. He has ADHD and dyspraxia . To say he is untidy and disorganised is an understatement, and this despite everything I did to try and instill some organisation and order into him.

We do not live close, but usually see them for a week several tiems a year. Her mother is also a dear friend. Sometimes the two families feel and act as one.

I know how lucky I am, and would never do anything to risk disturbing our frienships.

I have one son in law and an ex son in law. I won’t talk about the ex as he is a very difficult awkward man always was still is as they have two children to co parent.

My DD1’s husband is a good husband and father and works very hard and nothing to dislike but we have never felt comfortable with him. He is polite doesn’t really communicate openly with us and is very involved with his own family and has never wanted or needed us in his life really. We feel his rare visits are “duty visits”. We are kept at a distance and my DD1 is very critical of us as the years have gone by and we sadly see little of them.

DD2 has a new partner. He is kind and friendly but I have reservations as they appear to want different things so time will tell I guess. Maybe I will get lucky with this one