How do you get on with In Laws ie son or daughter in law

sparkle1234

I have 2 wonderful dils . They get involved in every aspect of family life and they are both very good for our sons . I treat them as equals /friends . I occasionally see one for lunch or cinema because they live nearby and she texts me frequently with news etc .
I don't monopolise her , I'm very aware she has her own family . The only thing I sometimes find hard is never getting any alone time with my son . They are always together , not a bad thing of course . A daughter will see her parents independently as I did but I do miss my son . He works a difficult shift pattern so I'm very aware that they need time together when he is off . I was never friends with my MIL , she was very aloof . I was always polite and respectful and made sure she was always included and invited regularly for lunch etc but I don't think she particularly liked me much .
I never want my sons partners to feel that so I'm determined to build good relationships with them . Luckily not difficult because they are both lovely .

I don't get on brilliantly with my DiL, but....she does understand I need Son Mum time, so it happens, sometimes with a child for an activity where we sit with coffee and said child does their thing. Yes I wish that we nattered..like women do together...maybe one day when they are older, who knows?

we get on very well with our sons in law, they're always ready to lend a hand if we need anything doing, we don't interfere in their lives, and they treat our daughters well.

I don’t like the way that my son in law always prioritises contact with his family so that my daughter and grandchildren spend far more time with his parents than me. I find it very hurtful and have told my daughter how I feel but nothing changes sadly.

Oh Peaseblossom - that’s so sad.🥲

I love both of my daughters' partners very much. My elder daughter has been married for 13 years and my younger daughter has been with her partner for 11 years, although they are not married. I get on very well with both of them and think myself lucky that my daughters have such wonderful partners. I never got to meet my daughter-in-law as my son passed away aged 6 in 1980. 😢 He was the eldest and would have been 52 now.

My son in law is fabulous. He even bought me a t-shirt for Christmas this year with "my son-in-law is my favourite child" written large on the front 😂. References a family joke that my youngest child (of 3 children) and the only boy, is the favourite. Not true of course.

I hope you have a happy relationship with your husband, sounds like you've had a few stressful situations with your children and their partners. I hope things settle down for you 💐.

My eldest son's partner is OK but I wouldn't say we were friends. She will help in a crisis and is good to the DGC. Standard of housework is poor and the children lack manners but I blame both parents for that. I've never been invited to a school play or DGCs birthday celebrations and they are teenagers now. When the eldest was in hospital with asthma I found out on FB so not a close relationship.
Youngest son has had 3 long term relationships. The first was OK to chat too but had mental health problems resulting in several middle of the night frantic calls from son for help. The second was sociable but thought it her god given right to smoke drugs at our home. Not the sort I wanted to be friends with, but I was nice to her.
The last one was with him 3 years. She was absolutely lovely, hard working, caring, and we really loved her. I was very sad when they parted as I really missed her.
DD has had 2 long term relationships. The first was abusive to her and is the dad of my DGD. He wants nothing to do with the child until she's an adult.
The second was very caring and I did like him a lot. He treated my DD and DGD really well. Problems arose as he kept changing his mind when they were going to move in together. There were other thing wrong and I thought he might have a mental health problem. After they parted DDs friends told me he was into drugs which explained the bizarre occasional behaviour. I did like him though and he was very respectful in our home, often helping to cook, loading dishwasher, helping DGD etc.
I couldn't honestly say I was really close friends with any of them though

I get on great with my sil and dil. I love them both to bits and honestly couldn't have chosen better life partners for my kids if it was my job.
My sil really is like a son, he calls me mum, I've cuddled him when he's been crying lol we're very close.

I don't have the same kind of relationship with my dil but it's still very good. I used to go drinking with her before she got with m1y son, so we were already friends.

I'm actually really thankful that I get on so well with them both, I'd hate to have been the mother in law from hell!

I have to add, it IS odd though CrazyH!

CrazyH

If you look at the work of Dr. Toni Falbo, the data shows that only children consistently score higher on autonomy and self-reliance than children with siblings. They don't have a sibling "peer group" to confer with so tend to develop their own internal compass.

I think only children are actually less likely to "run to mummy" with every complaint because they are used to processing things solo.

If this is what your daughter-in-law is doing I think this is to do with her personality rather than birth order.

I get on better with my son-in-law than with my daughter.

My DILs do not live nearby so means I stay when visiting. Fortunately I get on well with both, but more so with one than the other. I woukd never describe myself as a best friend but we are friendly and I always feel welcome when I go to stay sometimes for two weeks as I am left in charge of grandson who is at school and needs driven to after-school and weekend activities when they have a break away.

My d.i.l is wonderful and I love her.
She's kind and thoughtful, and makes my son happy which is the most important thing.
And I get on well with my other son's ex wife. We were really close and have remained on friendly terms .

DIL is a star. She is a very busy lady, but there if I need her

My parents loved the bones of my late husband from the moment they met him - a young matelot in the Fleet Air Arm. It was always said that if we were ever to separate - it would be my husband going 'home' to MY Mum and Dad!!! Luckily that situation never arose!

I have 3 DIL, mothers to my 6 GCs. We don’t live close to any of them, but help whenever needed.
I get on really well with one, pretty well with the second. The third is polite but distant. I just try to stay on good terms with all 3.

DH and I are blessed by 2 wonderful sons in law and a daughter in law that I can, truthfully,say she is my favorite daughter in law... and that's not because she is always going to be my only DIL ( one son, 3 daughters so we might yet get a third SIL .
DIL has been with DS since they were 20 . That's 24 years and I love her more with the passing of time.
Both SILs are wonderful too .
I love each one of them very much

I adore both my sons in law. They make my daughters happy that is all I ask

Notsphaghetti - my comment wasn’t meant to be ‘snippy. It’s a fact. .An only child tends to be extremely close to their parents and the parents are over sensitive to their emotions and hence go along with everything their child says or does.
For example, when my daughter has a little ‘moan’ about her m.i.l., i always try to diffuse it and tell her to see the positives. My daughter’s m.i.l. is a good woman, who has done a lot for them.
I never ‘stir’, which I’m afraid is going on here. My daughter would never dream of leaving the table in a restaurant, to ring me and complain about her m.i.l.
And btw can I also add, my d.i.ls mother ‘hated’ her own mother (her own words) and never allowed her daughter to spend any time with her. Say no more.

I get on very well with both my SIL's I also got on very well with both my MIL and FIL miss them very much. They also got on with my parents as they had a lot in common. I consider myself very lucky.

crazyH

I spoke too soon (earlier in the thread).
One of my ds.i.l. is not talking to me now.
We went for a meal a couple of weeks ago, and the drink loosened my tongue.
Talking about the past, I mentioned that I really liked one of my son’s ex-gfs . She was extremely kind to me. True. His wife stormed out of the room, with her phone. I presume she went to ring her mother to complain about me. She (only child) is always ringing her mother to complain about someone or the other. I know that, because, when her mum comes to me for a coffee, she is constantly interrupting our conversation.
So, I obviously don’t get on with one of my ds.i.l.😂
Where’s the edit button when you need it?

I'd just apologise and say that you weren't comparing them and meant no disrespect to her. Having done that, just let her decide what to do.

I have occasionally put both feet into my mouth (totally unwittingly), normally through Social Media and have had to write an apology to one of my DIL's. We will never be close but as long as our son is happy with her, I will make every effort to maintain a relationship. One of my faux pas was to tell an ex-girlfriend who was born without a womb, who had been promised money for an egg donor and IVF by her mother who had then reneged so she had to raise her own money and had nearly lost the baby at the end, that on the birth of her baby, I couldn't think of anybody who deserved her luck more. Unfortunately my DIL had given birth to a stillborn. Obviously I was devastated for them but my main thrust to the ex was how much I'd admired her getting what she wanted after such setbacks but I accept I worded it badly. Of course I didn't think my DIL was less deserving but that is how it came across to her. It was an unthinking comment and I was truly sorry that I had hurt her and my son. It took a while but after writing to them, once they had reflected they accepted my apology and we put things behind us.

We’ve got 2 daughter-in-laws, one I can take with a pinch of salt, the other is like the daughter we never had. We treat them both the same, but one can only try so hard and get absolutely nowhere from the one that doesn’t want to know!

crazyH What is the fact that your daughter-in-law is an "only" child to do with her relationship with her mother?

It does sound unnecessarily "snippy".
Maybe she senses a disapproval?

I adore my daughter in law, she is lovely. My ex son in law, although he lives in a different country and has remarried with children, still calls me mum and he is great too. Unfortuately her second husband died in his 30s, he absolutely loved my daughter and would have moved heaven and earth for her so you can't ask much more than that. She has now met a new man who seems quite wonderful and also treats her and her children very well.