Sister owing money to whole family

That is a big chunk of money so can understand your distress. And is your sister suffering mental health issues or was the threat of suicide just that, a threat so that you would pay her the money?
You deserve answers and must confront your sister about this even if it means having an argument because now your own son is out of pocket too and if she says she is awaiting an inheritance ask when this will come through and possibly make other enquiries to check whether what she is saying is true.
It sounds like she us giving to all the runaround but until you know for sure you can’t be certain.

(1) Never a borrower or a lender be
(2) Only lend an amount that you can afford to lose
(3) Always have a written, signed agreement regarding the terms of the loan, whether it’s friend or family

Sorry, that sounded a bit Schoolteacher-ish

crazyH

(1) Never a borrower or a lender be
(2) Only lend an amount that you can afford to lose
(3) Always have a written, signed agreement regarding the terms of the loan, whether it’s friend or family

Indeed. But I think the threat of suicide must be hard to ignore.

It's blackmail really. I suspect you'll not see your money back and neither will your son.

You will never get your money back. The relationship you thought you had with her is gone. She has used you and the threat of suicide is manipulative. I'm sorry but I would cut her off.
Why did she need all that money from you all? What reason did she give you?

Just to put your mind at rest, if your sister is waiting for an inheritance you can check gov. probate records to see if the deceased persons estate has gone through. You need the name and year of death.

The first uestion to ask is why she needs all this money. You have lent her £10,000. Your other sister and son, may well have lent her as much again.

I would want to know what the money was wanted for and where it has been spent. I suspect that she has an addiction of some kind, possibly a gambling addiction, that or a shopping addiction or blackmail or a romance scam. Threats of suicide suggest someone is putting pressure on her.

As for the inheritance, it may or may not be there, but one thing you can be sure, you will not see a penny of it. It will go the same way your loan money has gone.

What you need to do is sit down with your sister and ask her how she has spent the money you and other family members gave her, and then ask for evidence - bank statements, invoices and so on. The time has ended when you can be the kind helpful sister. For your sisters sake and for the rest of the family especially your son, you need to play hardball with her.

Before you see her, make sure you have done the research to find out about gambling addiction and where she can get help. When you do see her. do not have a row with her . You must use heroic powers of self control, to keep your voice level and persuade her to explain where the money went. She will almost definitely use shouting and crying as a defence against you, but stay cool and press the point where has the money , where is the evidence it went where she said.

When you know where the money went, you can offer her constructive help to deal with the problem and repay her debts.

As I said I think the most likely cause of her problems is gambling, but it could be uncontrolled spending, so that she has huge credit card debts or it could be blackmail of some kind or a romance scam or similar.

What happens after that, rather depends on knowing the cause and her willingness to cooperate with you and other appropriate professional help, in addressing her issues.

Thank you falling star
I think that , looking back , the threat of committing suicide was a drama queen moment but I fell for it
As it happens, I have just had a confrontation with her on the phone and she is acting as if she is the ´victim’
World upside down

Grandma batty
To this day , I can’t really say I understood the reasons she gave me
Something about her husband retiring and the pension not being as great as it should
But to be honest , I think it was all intended to blur the lines so we never understood what had happened but because she is family and crying in the phone and saying she was going to commit suicide, I gave in

Monica
It’s not gambling , it’s definitely a shopping addiction and thus probably very high credit cards bills
She also drives a brand new electric mini which she got last year on lease , and she said she couldn’t get out of the lease

Better spending than gambling or a romance scam. But shopping addiction is as much an addiction as anything else and the approach to dealing with it is the same as dealing with other addiction

Type shopping addiction into google and up come a host of addiction sites. Responsible helpful ones, saying that shopping is

Does her husband know about the problem? If not, then someone needs to tell him. I am sure that will be the last thing your sister wants, but I think that is the start of a solution. Then she needs to seek help.

Here is a link to an organisation that may be abl to help. www.ukat.co.uk/addiction/behavioural/shopping/ . Your or her local branch of the mental health charity, Mind, should also be able to help.

In 1979 my sister borrowed a large amount of money from me.
6 months later she told me outright that she wasn’t going to pay it back.
I never spoke to her again.

Petra
Didn’t you try to persuade her that she should pay you back ?

My thoughts.
Give up thinking you'll get the money. Don't cut her off. But keep your emotional distance. Never give her a penny again. She doesnt have a leg to.stand on. You were manipulated. But dont hold it against her other than to stand your ground. Sorry for the stress it's caused! Families !!!

Franski
Thanks for your advice most of which makes sense
But how could I keep a relationship with her knowing she has deceived me
How could I trust her again and respect her ?
Of course I won’t lend her another penny , that is very clear in my mind but I don’t see how we could carry on being friends if she doesn’t pay me back

I had a similar situation with my late sister. When she asked for even more I told her no and she turned nasty. We never really made it up before she died.

It’s a shame you fell for the threat of suicide, although I guess you felt you couldn’t take a chance in case she was serious.
What a particularly nasty way to manipulate you and other family members.
Sadly I agree with others who say you are unlikely to get your money back but I wouldn’t cut off all contact with her just in case she is telling the truth about the expected inheritance.

You write "but what will it do to our relationship?"

Do you imagine your sister thought much about Our Relationship when she emotionally blackmailed you into handing over a big wodge of money by threatening suicide?

She's a manipulative amateur dramatics ham actress, and a greedy one at that, if she's scrounging money off others as well with no prospect or intention of paying back.

She's either using family as an ATM, doing drugs or she's naive enough to be taken in by a Romance Scammer - a git who says he works for American Intelligence, has an acutely sick mother who needs a life-saving operation but the Russians have blocked his bank account and if she doesn't give him the money for the op then it will be all her fault if his 'dear old Mama' dies........

The last theory is my favourite!

I think several wise things have already been said here including (1) not lending her any more money and (2)checking on whether the inheritance is fact or fantasy. Is it possible for you to also check independently whether or not she has any real mental health issues or whether that was just manipulation as many here suspect and with whom I am inclined to agree.
I'm quite interested in the reason for the loan was that a genuine specific emergency linked to " keeping the house" or something like that or is she simply living above her means and thinks that other people should fund it.
Whether you forgive her or cut her off is up to you. I think I'd find the sponging off your son the worst thing. It's arguably notyour problem but it's certainly not his.
Shame on her...she's no kind of aunt....

My first thought was whether her husband knows about how much money she has borrowed, and from who? I know somebody whose husband gambled away everything they had, and she had no idea, so I would always check with the partner as early as I could to see what their take on it was. If you transferred the money to your sister by bank transfer at least you have some proof, assuming you didn’t make her sign anything specific, so I would also go to Citizens Advice to see if any legal steps are worthwhile.

Notjustaprettyface

Franski
Thanks for your advice most of which makes sense
But how could I keep a relationship with her knowing she has deceived me
How could I trust her again and respect her ?
Of course I won’t lend her another penny , that is very clear in my mind but I don’t see how we could carry on being friends if she doesn’t pay me back

This happened in my DPs family ....all the siblings went NC with him....this was 17 years ago ...never seen him since .....Best way I think

Do you/your son have any proof that she has your money - ie that you "lent" it to her?

I'm asking because I wonder if a Small Claims Court would cover this and, if so, I presume proof she has your money would be helpful. If you can manage to go that route - she might possibly repay you pretty much literally at the door of the court only hours beforehand - as she'll hope to the last minute you won't push that hard to get your money back.

£10,000 is a noticeable sum of money. Don't suppose you have any idea how much she has stolen from your son too?

She definitely meant to steal it all along. It's irrelevant what she has blown your money on and won't influence your chances of retrieving it either way.

Ignore any hysterics she throws - it's just a tactic and she's probably as calm as ice underneath it.

Do tell her husband - maybe he's similar to her on the one hand - but I'd guess there's a good chance he isn't like her and she's playing him too on the other hand. He deserves to know what sort of person he is married to. Assuming he's innocent - then you don't know what she might be doing to him and he's making excuses to himself for her behaviour. If she's that bad he needs to divorce her - then he should be fully warned what she is like.

Personally - that would be my idea of priority, ie 1. Try and get the money back that is owed and include telling her husband what she's done in the process. 2. When you've done whatever you can in that direction - with whatever degree of success or otherwise you achieve = cut her off totally and permanently. You don't really want to know people like that - life can create enough problems without letting people like that stay in your life.

Voice of experience - albeit in a slightly different direction to you - but my erstwhile brother was angling and angling to get some of my 50% of inheritance come the time that I'd been firmly promised by our parents and the second he had children he made that an excuse why he should have more than me ("some for my children" as he put it). For years I mentally prepared in case he succeeded in worming his way round the money manager of them (ie our mother) on that one. I only found out for sure what he'd done (ie made sure he and his children took a lions share between them - as they'd persuaded her to change the will) when they died.

Cue for one request - in writing - to him from me to put things right and I told him how he could do it - ie a deed of variation to put the will back to normal (I already anticipated he would refuse). He did refuse. I cut him off instantly and firmly and havent heard a peep from him since. I'm not holding out any hopes of him becoming a reformed character - as his wife is just like him and she will make sure he doesn't make good.

So - yep make one request.....make it in writing.....do the small claims court if that's possible for that. Then cut her off firmly and forever once it's all over one way or another. You'll know you've made it quite plain she can't have any more of your or your son's money and her husband will be fully aware of what sort of person he married. Job done - as best you can manage - and have nothing further to do with her.

There are loads of people with no conscience whatsoever about finding any excuse/method they can to steal other peoples money and there is zero point in trying to treat them like they might develop a conscience somewhere along the line - as the odds of them doing so are tiny.

Notjustaprettyface

Petra
Didn’t you try to persuade her that she should pay you back ?

No point. She was a past master at lying and manipulating people.
I remember the time she was paying for some furniture.
The tally man would come around every Friday night.
She had let him down numerous times and on this particular night she was so plausible with her tale of woe that he gave her money 😂