Sister owing money to whole family

Her husband needs to know because she may have been pledgiing his credit and taking out loans in his name - and he could find that he too is enmired in debt without realising it. She may have raided their savngs and cashe insurance policies, possibly not paying household bills like insurance.

crazyH

Sorry, that sounded a bit Schoolteacher-ish

Spot on, though!

Anyone who watches Judge Judy can see many cases like this and of course there are posters on here who have gone through it.
Am wondering about the civil courts though, as mentioned by CariadAgain.
Did your sister send emails or texts promising to pay the money back or referring to it as ‘a loan’, the same for your son and other sister. There may not have been a contract but if you can prove this wasn’t gifted to her you might have a chance, though obvs am no legal expert am just going off what I have heard on shows like Judge Judy, and the law over here will differ to the laws over there.
But us worth enquiring after you have tried every angle possible to appeal to your sisters better nature.

notjustaprettyface tell her you need the money back for your husband’s care home fees and that social services have mentioned deprivation of assets. Is this why you have fallen out with your DiL perhaps?

M0nica

Her husband needs to know because she may have been pledgiing his credit and taking out loans in his name - and he could find that he too is enmired in debt without realising it. She may have raided their savngs and cashe insurance policies, possibly not paying household bills like insurance.

He doesn’t seem to know anything , he leaves everything to her

Dontcallmelove

notjustaprettyface tell her you need the money back for your husband’s care home fees and that social services have mentioned deprivation of assets. Is this why you have fallen out with your DiL perhaps?

I have already told her
She knows how precarious my situation is

I'd go to her home and start removing items to the value of ....

We have been here many times with your many family dramas. You always seem to be in dispute with somebody in your family, one minute your son then your daughter. Now it’s your sister who you said lived overseas and more specifically in March last year, about you lending her money:

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1345956-Sister-not-talking-to-me-any-more

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1281256-Sister-love

You said then that this was all to do with she and her husband living beyond their means.

A few years ago you were saying you would not be able to afford a hotel on top of the air fares to go to visit them but last year you had £10,000 to lend her and were considering lending her even more.

None of this adds up. If she and her husband are waiting for an inheritance to clear their financial problems; who died and when? When was probate granted? How much were they expecting to inherit? If you were expecting repayment to start six months later you must have had some idea about this.

If you are lending someone money you have a right to ask how they are going to repay you six months later. And if you thought she was going to repay you from this inheritance why did you agree to repayment in stages?

It sounds like you are unlikely to see the money again. Or her unless you get on a plane to see what’s really going on.

Notjustaprettyface

‘He doesn’t seem to know anything , he leaves everything to her’

So you and your son and your sister need to arrange to talk to the husband and let him know that you are not standing for your sister’s behaviour and that if he doesn’t intervene in this instance it could end up in the civil courts. Imho he is just turning a blind eye because he prefers an easy life. Am afraid that isn’t going to cut it anymore.
Make sure he is aware how serious things are.

Graphite

We have been here many times with your many family dramas. You always seem to be in dispute with somebody in your family, one minute your son then your daughter. Now it’s your sister who you said lived overseas and more specifically in March last year, about you lending her money:

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1345956-Sister-not-talking-to-me-any-more

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1281256-Sister-love

You said then that this was all to do with she and her husband living beyond their means.

A few years ago you were saying you would not be able to afford a hotel on top of the air fares to go to visit them but last year you had £10,000 to lend her and were considering lending her even more.

None of this adds up. If she and her husband are waiting for an inheritance to clear their financial problems; who died and when? When was probate granted? How much were they expecting to inherit? If you were expecting repayment to start six months later you must have had some idea about this.

If you are lending someone money you have a right to ask how they are going to repay you six months later. And if you thought she was going to repay you from this inheritance why did you agree to repayment in stages?

It sounds like you are unlikely to see the money again. Or her unless you get on a plane to see what’s really going on.

Well graphite please leave the family dramas out
Stick to the story of today if you can be kind
I don’t remember this business about paying for hotel on top of air fares ?
I do maintain that they have lived beyond their means for a long time
My brother in law ‘s brother died in March 25 ; when my sister asked to borrow money , she didn’t know he was going to die obviously
I did not agree to repayment in stages , I don’t know where you have got that from ?

Fallingstar

Notjustaprettyface

‘He doesn’t seem to know anything , he leaves everything to her’

So you and your son and your sister need to arrange to talk to the husband and let him know that you are not standing for your sister’s behaviour and that if he doesn’t intervene in this instance it could end up in the civil courts. Imho he is just turning a blind eye because he prefers an easy life. Am afraid that isn’t going to cut it anymore.
Make sure he is aware how serious things are.

He lives on a different planet , falling star , and he’s deaf
And my son doesn’t want to go through the court route

Notjustaprettyface

M0nica

Her husband needs to know because she may have been pledgiing his credit and taking out loans in his name - and he could find that he too is enmired in debt without realising it. She may have raided their savngs and cashe insurance policies, possibly not paying household bills like insurance.

He doesn’t seem to know anything , he leaves everything to her

Then I see what the phrase about having a "rude awakening" comes into this then.....

Better sooner than later - before she grabs any more...

In the early 80s I loaned my BFF almost £100 which was quite a lot then. She never paid me back a penny. A few years later she turned up on my doorstep crying and asking for me to lend her money. Said her gas and electric were going to be cut off. I told her straight that she still hadn't paid me back and so I wasn't going to lend her anything again.
I felt bad about it but wouldn't lend anything to someone who doesn't pay the money back.
OP your sister threatening suicide should have made you contact mental health doctors for a welfare check. I would never lend money to someone in that frame of mind they need help not money.
Contact her husband and tell him what has happened.

Notjustaprettyface

M0nica

Her husband needs to know because she may have been pledgiing his credit and taking out loans in his name - and he could find that he too is enmired in debt without realising it. She may have raided their savngs and cashe insurance policies, possibly not paying household bills like insurance.

He doesn’t seem to know anything , he leaves everything to her

In which case it is time someone told him before he finds that he is being evicted from their home and on the streets.

Or is he playing the Nicola Sturgeon card?

I am not sure why you are in such a state about it. You and your son have learnt her huge sums of money, which she has not paid.

At this stage, first tell her husband and then threaten to get the bailiffs in. ( I do not think you can) but if she threatens suicide, giver the number for The Samaritans and then say you need the money urgently and if she does not repay it you will seekin a distraint on her goods and this could end with the bailiffs coming in.

This is why I said this doesn’t add up.

You say now: I don’t remember this business about paying for a hotel on top of air fares?

You wrote in 2020:

Recently, I have noticed that my sister is not so keen on me going to visit her [in her home overseas]. She blames it on her husband who doesn’t really like to have people staying with him.

Several people replied, suggesting that you go and stay in a hotel.

You replied: You all seem to agree on suggesting I stay in a hotel but I am not sure I can afford that on top of the journey there and back and also, I would miss some of the evenings we had when we could chat.

You say now: I did not agree to repayment in stages, I don’t know where you have got that from.

You literally wrote in your opening post here:

She said at the time that she would start paying back in September 2025.

Not pay me back but start paying me back.

You wrote on 1 March 2025. Recently she has been crying on the phone, saying she had financial trouble, and she asked me to lend her money. Which I did, 10000 pounds. A week later, she came back on the phone, still crying and saying she was going to commit suicide if someone was not going to lend her more money. She wanted me to lend her another 3000 or 4000 pounds. I said I would think about it which I did but then I decided not to lend her more as she had also borrowed from my son and my other sister. And I couldn’t see how she was going to pay it all back.

That means the three of you had lent her money before March 2025, before she threatened self harm.

On 13 March 2025, you wrote: She said that she was struggling every month because her husband is now retired and his pension is not enough to cover their expenses.

You now say: When my sister asked to borrow money, she didn’t know he [her husband’s brother] was going to die, obviously.

You haven’t said how much she had already borrowed from you son and other sister when you lent her £10,000 but if her husband’s brother only died in March 2025, then the three of you had already lent her money before his death.

In other words, if you knew your sister and her husband were living beyond their means to the extent that they needed tens of thousands of pounds and she did not at that stage know that her brother in law was going to die and leave them an inheritance, how did the three of you think she was going to find the money to pay you all back?

Was there some plan for them to budget; to sell some of their assets, to raise a loan against their property; to get jobs?

If people are living beyond their means, they aren't going to be able conjure money from thin air. You were all foolish to lend her money without a proper plan setting out how she was going to pay you all back.

I have a nephew who’s borrowed money and doesn’t pay back. I didn’t know until my niece told me to tell my son not to lend him anything. He can’t keep a job for any length of time and it’s always someone fault why he’s left. I’m talking thousands of pounds from different family. I only lent some money to a friend some years ago and learned from that. She never paid me back. I don’t lend money or borrow.

You need to sit down with a cuppa and your sister and ask her some questions.

1) has she sorted the issues which required these “loans”

2) is she aware others, and yourself, might be suffering financially as the loans are not being paid?

3) does she need some help budgeting and setting up repayment plans?

4) is she feeling physically and mentally well and would she welcome some help here?

5) is there anything else you can help with, bar money?

She needs to understand actions have consequences and you need to know what’s going in the background.

Graphite

This is why I said this doesn’t add up.

You say now: I don’t remember this business about paying for a hotel on top of air fares?

You wrote in 2020:

Recently, I have noticed that my sister is not so keen on me going to visit her [in her home overseas]. She blames it on her husband who doesn’t really like to have people staying with him.

Several people replied, suggesting that you go and stay in a hotel.

You replied: You all seem to agree on suggesting I stay in a hotel but I am not sure I can afford that on top of the journey there and back and also, I would miss some of the evenings we had when we could chat.

You say now: I did not agree to repayment in stages, I don’t know where you have got that from.

You literally wrote in your opening post here:

She said at the time that she would start paying back in September 2025.

Not pay me back but start paying me back.

You wrote on 1 March 2025. Recently she has been crying on the phone, saying she had financial trouble, and she asked me to lend her money. Which I did, 10000 pounds. A week later, she came back on the phone, still crying and saying she was going to commit suicide if someone was not going to lend her more money. She wanted me to lend her another 3000 or 4000 pounds. I said I would think about it which I did but then I decided not to lend her more as she had also borrowed from my son and my other sister. And I couldn’t see how she was going to pay it all back.

That means the three of you had lent her money before March 2025, before she threatened self harm.

On 13 March 2025, you wrote: She said that she was struggling every month because her husband is now retired and his pension is not enough to cover their expenses.

You now say: When my sister asked to borrow money, she didn’t know he [her husband’s brother] was going to die, obviously.

You haven’t said how much she had already borrowed from you son and other sister when you lent her £10,000 but if her husband’s brother only died in March 2025, then the three of you had already lent her money before his death.

In other words, if you knew your sister and her husband were living beyond their means to the extent that they needed tens of thousands of pounds and she did not at that stage know that her brother in law was going to die and leave them an inheritance, how did the three of you think she was going to find the money to pay you all back?

Was there some plan for them to budget; to sell some of their assets, to raise a loan against their property; to get jobs?

If people are living beyond their means, they aren't going to be able conjure money from thin air. You were all foolish to lend her money without a proper plan setting out how she was going to pay you all back.

Ok graphite yes i did write that but forgive me , I had forgotten; I have had a lot on my plate since 2020 including my husband having a very bad accident and ending up in a care home .
And yes I stand by that , I don’t want to pay for a hotel on top of going there which is expensive in itself .
Yes she said she would start paying back but that doesn’t mean I agreed with it
I don’t
She did threaten to commit suicide just before I lent her the money
She had done the same to my son and my other sister but I didn’t know at the time
She has borrowed 2000 pounds from my other sister and 2000 pounds from my son
She has borrowed the sand from her sister in law and from her own daughters
We did suggest that she sold her house and downsized but of course she didn’t want to do that
Yes we were all foolish to lend her the money without any guarantees but we did it because we are kind and because she is family
Lesson learnt but please don’t be too self righteous, you are very lucky not to have problems like this in your family
I was stupid yes , I don’t need unkind words on top of it

Emotional blackmail. I’m sorry she’s like this, it must be hard for you.

Ok to summarise Notjustaprettyface you all acted stupidly and you know that now ….It WILL NOT happen again will it?
First you need a family meeting with you, your son and other sister to work out how to try and recover the £14,000 you are all owed and making a plan together will be stronger than individually.
You need to find out what she is spending the money on to see if she needs help so that will need bringing her husband into the equation
Is she still in France? Are all your conversations done by video link ?
You may never see your money again but she will know in future she has burnt her bridges. Maybe she will get some help she obviously needs

I can understand you being taken aback with the emotional ‘I will kill myself stuff’ I can also understand your memory getting in a muddle if this sort of thing has been happening over a number of years HOWEVER it needs to stop now
Do what you can to recover some money whilst being aware you probably never will and maybe never have a future relationship with your sister
Sad but look after yourself now

Bluebelle exactly!

BlueBelle Do what you can to recover some money whilst being aware you probably never will and maybe never have a future relationship with your sister. Sad but look after yourself now

I suspect you'll never see any money. Best to let go.

Never lend to family or friends, say sorry it's all tied up in investments, pensions etc.

If you can afford it gift it but don't lend

I suppose for myself, being estranged from a close family member would absolutely be the worst outcome and not worth any money that was lost/ taken. I would keep my emotional.distance but not cut her off. That is just me and how I think about myself and my sisters. X

Franski

I suppose for myself, being estranged from a close family member would absolutely be the worst outcome and not worth any money that was lost/ taken. I would keep my emotional.distance but not cut her off. That is just me and how I think about myself and my sisters. X

Franski
Yes I completely agree , I didn’t want this to happen but I do feel my sister is being unreasonable and I am fed up of all the lies
And anyway , what do you actually mean by ‘ keep your emotional distance ‘?