Where did I go wrong??

melissacole's post has given me the best laugh I've had today!

REPORTED

Unfortunately, the Witch Doctor post is being added to several threads.

Reported.

I wonder when ShihTzuDad will come back and tell us how he’s getting on. 🤔🤔

BlueBelle

Good grief he doesn’t need dating help if anything he’s been going from one relationship to another far too quickly

The man needs to find his smaller place that he wants, giving the girlfriend plenty of notice that he’s moving on then when he’s found somewhere give the owner his notice she will then need to take over the rent or move.
Give her plenty of notice ie This isn’t working and hasn’t been for a long time I m moving out as of ……. That will force her hand she won’t be on the street as she has her daughters as a temporary residence
And from one who knows live on your own you don’t need a partner at all costs, sometimes being alone is by far better and less complicated

This. OP sounds more than reasonable.

Good luck.

I feel for you but you are not responsible for your ex partner. Give notice to the landlord and start looking for somewhere to get on with your life. She will stay with her daughter until she finds a place to live. Time to let go and move on. Best wishes.

Just tell her you're moving out. You rent the place between you so you must give notice to fet deposit back. If eitger of you prefer to rent and can afford the place on your own, well and good, if not make your own arrangements. Do it now you are not getting any younger.

If the house is solely in your name, put it on the market and tell your partner or ex-partner that you intend to do so.

Probably you should consult a solicitor about the ins and outs of the situation, as you have told us so little that it is hard to know what advice to give you.

If the house is in both your names, I doubt you can either refuse to pay your half of expenses if you move out, or in any way force her out, but there again you need a solicitor to advise you.

Please excuse typos - I can't see the whole message box and should have previewed.

I can understand that, having been together for so log, you are reluctant to throw her out on the street or move on butvshe has in fact moved on if not physically.

You hae to give her an ultimatum, a deadline, and start making plans for looking for somewhere smaller for yourself.
Does your local Council or Housing Association have accommodation, perhaps bungalows, suitable for retirees? If so, are you on the list? It could be a possibility and might be more secure than a private rental.

If your ex-partner has to move in with her daughter in the short-term, that should focus her mind on finding something suitable for herself in Yorkshire.

You are living in a kind of no-man's land at the moment.

Good luck.

Agree with everything you say David49.

Sadly I fear there the reasons stopping the OP seeing the situation as it actually is and taking action to secure his future and improve his own well being are emotional rather than rational and realistic.

The clues are:
1) "I cant move on whilst she is still living here"- but factually he can move and the first step in the process is giving notice to all parties. Perhaps its the challenge of 'emotionally moving on" that is holding him back rather than the practicalities.
2) "I can't (wouldn't) 'throw her out onto the street', so to speak"- that's the voice/belief in OP's head. The reality is he wouldn't be throwing her out onto the street as his ex partner actually wants to move out. She will have a full 2 month notice period before moving out to find another rental- or move in with family/friends till she finds something that reaches her 'picky' choosing.
3) "Frankly, I don't really want this situation at this stage of my life. Because she is being so picky"- OP is prioritising ex partner's pickiness over his own needs and health and well being.

Relationship counselling may help address the emotional aspects of moving forward so that physical and practical action can then follow?

SchiTsu Dad

Your partner is not likely to get social housing until she is actually homeless. Places are in high demand, even families have to accept B and B the waiting list is very long in some areas.

As you are not married there are no financial ties, you have no joint property, the next step is one of you leave, if the other can afford the rent they can carry on with the tenancy.

As you want something smaller give notice where you are and move she will have to make the decision.

As you have been together for many years you are unlikely to be on a fixed term contract for your rental property. You are highly likely to be on a rolling or periodic tenancy- find out. It's easier to end a rolling or periodic tenancy as you do not need your ex partner's agreement.

Information how to do this on England.shelter.org.uk. Speaking to your partner/landlord/rental agent of your intentions first stage. If your ex partner does not agree- the landlord/agent will contact her to ask her is she wishes to continue the tenancy on her won. If her answer is no, she can not afford to do so- they will communicate her options to her. This will also have the benefit of informing the landlord/agency of affordability and relationship breakdown problems that reduces confidence that the rent will continue to be paid on time. Thus the property owner will be informed and may wish to give notice on the tenancy themselves.

Your head may be telling you your ex partner is holding all the cards and therefore you will continue to be accepting of the situation albeit frustrated and depressed - but that is not the case. Assert your voice and make some choices and decisions - seek support from your family and/or Citizens Advice Bureaux if you need help.

star= state

ShihTzuDad- your perceived "star of limbo" appears to be of your own making, in your head. You say the situation is dragging on and depressing you- so you need to take action to stop it dragging on any longer.

You and your ex partner agree the relationship is over. You continue to live in the same rental house but lead separate lives. Your ex partner has made clear she wishes to move and you do too. It benefits your ex partner taking her time- but not you. Therefore it falls to you to change the status quo.

You are likely to be on a rental contract that requires 2 months notice. Tell your partner you are going to write/email the landlord/rental agent to give notice- then do it. Look for a property that suits you at the same time. Taking action will necessarily spur your partner to make choices of her own and will help you move from your current depressive lethargy and acceptance of status quo.

If you are unwilling to do this- what are the reasons why?

Alternatively, if you are unable to do this- what are the reasons why?

ShihTzuDad has been in a relationship for 19 years and has now learned, (method undisclosed) that his partner had secretly been planning to leave him, but had delayed informing him until she had found somewhere to her taste to inhabit.
The relationship has run its course; their home is rented so no uncertain house sale and division of money to be negotiated.The OP seems pragmatic about the end of his relationship, therefore there is nothing to stop him ending the tenancy and finding somewhere more appropriate. If it is a joint tenancy then his partner must be prepared to take on extra expenses as she appears to have initiated the break up. Had she found a suitable home in Yorkshire she presumably would have left with little warning.
I don't see what the problem is.
Unless there are other factors?

I think you need to put your cards on the table and just tell her your plans

. Start sorting your belongings out and then find somewhere smaller, hand in your notice and move.

Just tell her your plans. You have no other obligation

You need to start thinking about yourself. She is taking advantage of your good nature. She has been planning this for a long time and if you hadn't found out and confronted her at what point would she have told you? I think giving her a time limit is a good idea as previously mentioned. Be strong - you have a new life to live.

ShihTzuDad, clearly this woman is not invested in your relationship and hasn’t been so for a long time, if ever. In fact, I’d go as far to say that she saw your situation as a place to live in the UK and be closer to her daughter………the one she can’t live with full time because they don’t always get on!

Look for your smaller, more manageable place locally to your own family, give notice to your landlord and move on. As others have pointed out, she probably will not get a HA home in Yorkshire quite as easily as she imagines.

I can’t help thinking that this woman has taken you for a ride!

I would tell her that as you are now living separately in the house you are starting to look for a new home alone.
The simple act of looking will be cheering as you will start to see an end to the present situation.

Who is responsible for your current tenancy?
Is it yours/hers or joint?

You don't want to move out but end up with debts there because she hasn't!

I doubt she's getting lots of help with a housing association property.
Social housing offers are not that easy.

I depends where in Yorkshire she would like to live (it's a big place!) and it makes sense that she wants to move up there, but trust e finding a rental property is not going to be easy if she isn't resident there and paying council tax. I know this for sure.

I am sorry that you are now paying for a hasty mistake (very common in men recently widowed) so soon after the loss of your wife.

You have daughters nearby and grandchildren of your own. You sound like a fortunate man in this regard.

What have they said about all this? Is there any support for you there in finding a smaller place?

I think you need to focus on yourself and your own family now and let this woman make her own choices.

Sounds like she is onto a good thing. Please think about what the next five or so years may bring in your life. How will you cope if things go downhill? I think you need to take action now and lay your cards on the table. She is benefitting nicely, thank you. She won't even care if she moves to her 'chosen' place near her daughter and granddaughter. You don't need to be nasty, just nice and legal.

Good grief he doesn’t need dating help if anything he’s been going from one relationship to another far too quickly

The man needs to find his smaller place that he wants, giving the girlfriend plenty of notice that he’s moving on then when he’s found somewhere give the owner his notice she will then need to take over the rent or move.
Give her plenty of notice ie This isn’t working and hasn’t been for a long time I m moving out as of ……. That will force her hand she won’t be on the street as she has her daughters as a temporary residence
And from one who knows live on your own you don’t need a partner at all costs, sometimes being alone is by far better and less complicated

If you are renting, then you yourself give the landlord 2 months notice to leave?

Thanks for clarifying.

If she is determined to go and you would be happy renting a smaller place then I would start looking.

I know you don’t want to see her out on the streets but if you were to find a suitable place but with no spare bedroom, a sofa bed would suffice, wouldn’t it?

Or would you rather her be gone so you can start this new phase of your life in you own place alone from the start?

She’s been planning this for nine months even though you had to find out by accident and it’s only been out in the open for a couple of months.

Does this also depend on her finding work in Yorkshire? Might that be difficult and another reason why she’s dithering? Is she actively looking for work there?