Where did I go wrong??

Start plans to divorce and that should expedite things.

I guess it depends on whose house you live in. Is it solely yours or hers? Do you go 50/50 on expenses? Are you married or cohabiting ? All these things will make a difference . Also I wouldn’t have thought she could easily get a social housing property just because she wants to move areas/ has a daughter there, what about local people currently in the area ?

Can’t she stay with her daughter whilst she makes plans? She seems to be holding all the cards here

Well you are already calling her your ex. So maybe in your mind the relationship is all but over. It doesn’t sound as if you care for her that much really. You sound like just friends. I’d suggest that you just go along with what she wants. Surely it’s not up to you to find somewhere for her to live. I think this is one of those situations where it’s best to do nothing and wait to see what she does. It doesn’t sound as if you will be heartbroken but you might be worried about feeling lonely. However once she goes perhaps you could remain friends and visit one another when you can. You might relish the peace and the freedom.

I think I would set a reasonable deadline for her move, say 6 months. Tell her you also have plans, whether you do or don't, and also need to move around that time. Social housing usually has a waiting list. Is she in a position to either rent privately or move in with her daughter whilst she looks for a home? I can appreciate your frustration and understand you want to crack on with your life so you need to stand firm on this.

Are you divorcing? If not, why not?
Your solicitor will help with regard to your rights and hers. You certainly need to get her to move out for I imagine this is a highly stressful arrangement. If she can’t stay with her daughter and instead of looking for a housing association property, none of which suit her, she should get her daughter to find her a short term rental she can afford until she sees something she likes. Fact is she needs to be there surely to keep viewing these properties.
You need to have a conversation with her about this. You are not throwing her out you are suggesting options.

OP isn’t married, no divorce necessary.

Sounds like you need to see a solicitor.

What do you want to move on to ? If there’s no love there and you just live as roommates just carry on life as friends ignoring each other until she’s gone or do you mean you want to start looking for a girlfriend / or wife number three ?

I d give up! you ve had three cracks at the whip, you’re mid seventies just have a good life on your own whether she’s around or not build up your ‘outside the home’ life
Good luck

I agree with Bluebelle. No idea about either of your finances which may be a major factor in her not moving out. It's usually the woman who is financially restricted.

It’s unclear what you mean by move on.

Do you mean physically; that you will need to find somewhere else to live that you can afford on your own? Is the property owned or rented? Do you need to get the sale process rolling or give notice on a rental agreement?

Or is it that you would like to look for someone new? It sounds like this relationship has been over for several years.

I would have thought she would stand a better chance of being offered a rental property by moving in with her daughter and GD and demonstrating that their home is overcrowded, if indeed it would be.

I don’t know what priority is given, if any at all, to single older people.

Anyway, if it’s the former then you have a right to start seeking alternate accommodation, to be looking out for yourself in all of this. If something suitable presents then it will force her hand to either move in with her daughter temporarily or not be so picky about what rented accommodation she is prepared to accept.

You titled this Where did I go wrong? Do you mean with this relationship or including the two marriages?

I believe that relationships are like any other product, in this case the product of two people getting together. They have a “best before” date. Better to get out sooner rather than later than cling onto something that no longer makes either of you happy.

Could you move out of the home you share? Would the lack of your financial contribution force her to move out?

Thank you to those of you who have responded so far. Just to clarify....we are not married. She had had 2 previously failed marriages (in Poland) before we met.

Also the house we occupy is private rented. I would really like to get something smaller with less garden and other maintenance.

To those who have suggested she move in with her daughter, I have suggested that, but she won't. The reason I think is that they get on OK when living apart, but don't so much when living together (between 2008 - 2012 we all lived together down here, before the daughter moved to Yorkshire).

Yes, the 'relationship' is fundamentally no more and hasn't been for a considerable time. We got together fairly soon after my second marriage ended, which was naive on my part. Her daughter and son-in-law were already here in the UK and, basically, she wanted to be over here with them. I think now, in retrospect, that was a much bigger element in the equation than I ever was.

I am in the process of leading my own life now to a large degree and can only hope that this situation resolves itself before long. It is just frustrating. I am not at all concerned about living on my own as, to all intents and purposes, I am largely doing that now. She is 9 years younger than me and still working at the moment, often 6 days a week.

Thanks for clarifying.

If she is determined to go and you would be happy renting a smaller place then I would start looking.

I know you don’t want to see her out on the streets but if you were to find a suitable place but with no spare bedroom, a sofa bed would suffice, wouldn’t it?

Or would you rather her be gone so you can start this new phase of your life in you own place alone from the start?

She’s been planning this for nine months even though you had to find out by accident and it’s only been out in the open for a couple of months.

Does this also depend on her finding work in Yorkshire? Might that be difficult and another reason why she’s dithering? Is she actively looking for work there?

If you are renting, then you yourself give the landlord 2 months notice to leave?

Good grief he doesn’t need dating help if anything he’s been going from one relationship to another far too quickly

The man needs to find his smaller place that he wants, giving the girlfriend plenty of notice that he’s moving on then when he’s found somewhere give the owner his notice she will then need to take over the rent or move.
Give her plenty of notice ie This isn’t working and hasn’t been for a long time I m moving out as of ……. That will force her hand she won’t be on the street as she has her daughters as a temporary residence
And from one who knows live on your own you don’t need a partner at all costs, sometimes being alone is by far better and less complicated

Sounds like she is onto a good thing. Please think about what the next five or so years may bring in your life. How will you cope if things go downhill? I think you need to take action now and lay your cards on the table. She is benefitting nicely, thank you. She won't even care if she moves to her 'chosen' place near her daughter and granddaughter. You don't need to be nasty, just nice and legal.

I depends where in Yorkshire she would like to live (it's a big place!) and it makes sense that she wants to move up there, but trust e finding a rental property is not going to be easy if she isn't resident there and paying council tax. I know this for sure.

I am sorry that you are now paying for a hasty mistake (very common in men recently widowed) so soon after the loss of your wife.

You have daughters nearby and grandchildren of your own. You sound like a fortunate man in this regard.

What have they said about all this? Is there any support for you there in finding a smaller place?

I think you need to focus on yourself and your own family now and let this woman make her own choices.

I would tell her that as you are now living separately in the house you are starting to look for a new home alone.
The simple act of looking will be cheering as you will start to see an end to the present situation.

Who is responsible for your current tenancy?
Is it yours/hers or joint?

You don't want to move out but end up with debts there because she hasn't!

I doubt she's getting lots of help with a housing association property.
Social housing offers are not that easy.

ShihTzuDad, clearly this woman is not invested in your relationship and hasn’t been so for a long time, if ever. In fact, I’d go as far to say that she saw your situation as a place to live in the UK and be closer to her daughter………the one she can’t live with full time because they don’t always get on!

Look for your smaller, more manageable place locally to your own family, give notice to your landlord and move on. As others have pointed out, she probably will not get a HA home in Yorkshire quite as easily as she imagines.

I can’t help thinking that this woman has taken you for a ride!

You need to start thinking about yourself. She is taking advantage of your good nature. She has been planning this for a long time and if you hadn't found out and confronted her at what point would she have told you? I think giving her a time limit is a good idea as previously mentioned. Be strong - you have a new life to live.

I think you need to put your cards on the table and just tell her your plans

. Start sorting your belongings out and then find somewhere smaller, hand in your notice and move.

Just tell her your plans. You have no other obligation

ShihTzuDad has been in a relationship for 19 years and has now learned, (method undisclosed) that his partner had secretly been planning to leave him, but had delayed informing him until she had found somewhere to her taste to inhabit.
The relationship has run its course; their home is rented so no uncertain house sale and division of money to be negotiated.The OP seems pragmatic about the end of his relationship, therefore there is nothing to stop him ending the tenancy and finding somewhere more appropriate. If it is a joint tenancy then his partner must be prepared to take on extra expenses as she appears to have initiated the break up. Had she found a suitable home in Yorkshire she presumably would have left with little warning.
I don't see what the problem is.
Unless there are other factors?

ShihTzuDad- your perceived "star of limbo" appears to be of your own making, in your head. You say the situation is dragging on and depressing you- so you need to take action to stop it dragging on any longer.

You and your ex partner agree the relationship is over. You continue to live in the same rental house but lead separate lives. Your ex partner has made clear she wishes to move and you do too. It benefits your ex partner taking her time- but not you. Therefore it falls to you to change the status quo.

You are likely to be on a rental contract that requires 2 months notice. Tell your partner you are going to write/email the landlord/rental agent to give notice- then do it. Look for a property that suits you at the same time. Taking action will necessarily spur your partner to make choices of her own and will help you move from your current depressive lethargy and acceptance of status quo.

If you are unwilling to do this- what are the reasons why?

Alternatively, if you are unable to do this- what are the reasons why?

star= state