DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

"She hasn’t researched this bit of her story properly."

She has not done anything properly. She has not recieved an apology which she felt entitled to have, she listed years of MIL misdemeanours. Who does she think she is, and who does that.
Quite frankly she wants everything how she wants it. She sounds very controlling. I have looked how she has answered some posters and she acts like she always wants the last word.

Hi SurreySister1466 - could you share what your MIL’s family background was? That may well help to explain her behaviours….

Yes lathyrus you took the words out of my mouth. My father not only helped with me from birth (1948) he took over when my mum was ill. He wasn’t allowed to be at my birth and was very cross about it. My husband was there when our children were born and involved in caring from day one, as was my father when he was around. I recall he was far more relaxed handling dirty nappies than I was. Family dynamics and norms vary and generalisation is in my view dangerous.

Madgran77

Wyllow3

It was the societal norm back then, I'm 75 and my then husband took it for granted from the start, it wasn't ever "an Issue" with the people we knew.

My husband helped with everything too. But amongst my friends it varied. I think that was a sort of period of tranzition in societal attitudes maybe and different men/women/couples responded in different ways

The OP seems to be in a fantasy time warp.

Good Lord, my father helped with us as babies, toddlers and when we were older. I have photos. We’re talking about the 194Os.

Husbands were in at the birth years before I had my children and her MIl must be about the same age as my children. A fully involved generation of fathers.

She hasn’t researched this bit of her story properly.

Does a one year old qualify as a “new baby”, Lel1?
Wouldn’t have said so.

Once a week's far too much with a new baby, career and 2 hour round trip. She sounds very childish and probably the men in her family are afraid to cross her. And of course you're going to see more of your own mother, who loves you unconditionally. So ignore some of the very unkind comments posted here, rise above it as the better person and just try and keep a polite relationship with her, for your husband's sake. I had the mil from Hades and that's how I coped. We were never going to like each other, but she loved my little boy. Sending you a big hug. xxx

Wyllow3

It was the societal norm back then, I'm 75 and my then husband took it for granted from the start, it wasn't ever "an Issue" with the people we knew.

My husband helped with everything too. But amongst my friends it varied. I think that was a sort of period of tranzition in societal attitudes maybe and different men/women/couples responded in different ways

Intercourse, not interiors!

You came on here asking for "perspectives" and you have had a variety. Hopefully you will give thought to them all, both those that reinforce your actions and those that suggest you might reflect on them or look at them in another way.

That isn’t control, and it isn’t unkind. It’s honesty.
Honesty is not always kind. We all bite our tongues in the interests of good manners and smooth social interiors.

I think at this stage you too must "acknowledge the impact of your actions." You cannot sit someone down and list their faults and expect there to be no impact.

Basically.
'I can be disrespectful to you in may ways, for years but don't you dare tell me about it because now I'm the victim.'
Fixed it for you.

Doodledog

Ok. You are clutching at straws now, so I am setting my own boundary and leaving this thread.

I support that

Doodledog

Ok. You are clutching at straws now, so I am setting my own boundary and leaving this thread.

Well said.

Wyllow3

It was the societal norm back then, I'm 75 and my then husband took it for granted from the start, it wasn't ever "an Issue" with the people we knew.

I couldnt believe it when me grandmother who is a similar age told me that my grandad and many others she knew, didnt even attend the birth. “It wasnt their place”. How times have changed!

Ok. You are clutching at straws now, so I am setting my own boundary and leaving this thread.

Doodle

I’m not bringing sex into it out of nowhere, I’m responding to previous posts that you repeated framing in this thread about who should absorb discomfort for the sake of harmony, which has historically fallen on women.

Of course you’re only hearing my side, that’s the case of every post on here. What I’ve pushed back on are readings that assume control, malice, or bad faith where I’ve described boundaries and impact. Disagreeing with those interpretations isn’t “riding roughshod”; it’s clarifying my position.

As for the warnings about my husband, my marriage, and my son — they’re unnecessary and speculative. Setting boundaries with one family member doesnt teach a child that people are disposable, and my child learning that people can address problems directly isn’t harm.

I came here to discuss and hear other views, not to seek approval, and not to be insulted and then chastised for responding.

Allsorts - I said similar. The OP asked me a question, quoting part of my original response to the thread. I replied and gave details of my own experience but she has not responded. I don't think she wants insight, she wants us to give her the ok to castigate her MIL without there being any consequences or subsequent fallout.

Your first sentence asks, what is your mil thinking. I think you know the answer to that, she can't say anything though as its pointless. You were very confrontational with her, at least your husband stayed neutral. Glad you have a son, one day you will understand. You need not see her again.,Problem solved.

Rosie51

I was just coming on to point out the original post says
This was around four months ago. I haven’t spoken to them since and they haven’t seen our son, husband has kept in contact.

I'm with Doodledog who I think has summed up the situation well in her posts. Surreysister would do well to consider how going forward to when she likely will have a grandchild she would feel about the other gran being prioritised over her because she is only the paternal grandparent. Her future d-i-l might well sum her up as 'difficult and far too blunt, calls it telling it how it is'.

Well ive read a good book on how not to act!

It was the societal norm back then, I'm 75 and my then husband took it for granted from the start, it wasn't ever "an Issue" with the people we knew.

LemonJam

Ofcourse as in all communications- ground rules apply to all parties. If the poster wishes to respond to a Gransnetter with a perspective she finds hard to swallow, none judgemental language helps in response. Language used has such an impact- e.g.

"She (poster) also said she had a modern husband who helps her. This is rubbish as well. My then husband helped me when the children were young. It's what decent men do, nothing to do with being modern"

I disagree that was a "rubbish" comment by poster. Saying her comment was "rubbish" is likely to shift her further into an emotional, defensive response mode.

I am in my 60s and did NOT have a "modern husband' in any shape or form when I had my babies in the 80s. No housework support- no parental leave, could hardly get him to come home from work when I was in labour, never got up in the night etc. Many husbands, including my neighbour's and sister's husbands seemingly also did not provide help to the extent we read about today. There was no paid leave for fathers- there was no provision to share maternity leave between the 2 parents etc. as "modern' ie current fathers do. Some posters may have husbands who helped them when there babies were born back in the day "because they were decent men" but that doesn't not in itself prove that was the norm for all husbands at the time as it is more the case now. Castigating poster for using the term "modern husband' doesn't exactly help the situation....

I didnt see the original comment that said my comment was rubbish, it must've been reported. That poster has had a lot of their comments removed.

But yes, many of the older women in my family were astounded that my husband changes nappies, gets up in the night and mucks in. It didnt seem to be the societal norm back then, and for various reasons like you say.

Luckygirl3

A bit of me feels that the OP is a young woman who wants to dictate to those around her how they should be as people. But the reality of life is that we need to rub along with all those in our orbit as best we can, particularly family.

MIL's request to see her GC once a week is not excessive; and her envy of the "other" grandma is understandable because it is founded in fact. She too is excited by the arrival of the next generation.

Your MIL will be who she is because of the life experiences that have shaped her; just as you OP are who you are for the same reasons. I am sure that neither of you is perfect - her fault is (by your description) to be "passive-aggressive" (the latest buzz word along with narcissistic)
and yours would appear to be (by your descriptions of what you have said and done) wanting to control people to live up to your expectations and wishes, even to the point of sitting them down and listing their faults. I do not see this as normal or even acceptable behaviour - it is certainly unkind.

I spent a large part of my career as a social worker and the first thing I would ask when I encountered a difficult client was to ask myself what had shaped them, what had made them this way, and to use that understanding to in turn shape my dealings with them.

Your MIL comes pretty low on the scale of being difficult, believe me! She is no doubt not perfect, but none are any of us. What will you do when your son proves to be imperfect? .... banish him, or try to understand where he is coming from?

I think this misunderstands my position. I’m not trying to dictate who anyone should be, I’m addressing behaviour that has caused hurt and saying I can’t continue. That isn’t control, and it isn’t unkind. It’s honesty.

Understanding why someone behaves the way they do can create empathy, but it doesn’t mean accepting behaviour that has a negative impact. Explaining that impact isn’t the same as attacking someone’s character.

As for my son, of course he won’t be perfect. Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour without limits, it means teaching accountability as well as compassion. Boundaries are part of healthy relationships.

Norah

OP stated MIL Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town 1hr away.

Obviously too far for popping in.

People at a distance typically visit family less.

I had London GPs and next door GP, guess who I saw daily whilst a child? I loved all my GPs, neither saw visits as a competition.

Same, my mums mum i saw multiple times per week, my dads mum not as often and more ‘scheduled’ but i loved them both equally, the relationship dynamic was just different.

I think at this stage you too must "acknowledge the impact of your actions." You cannot sit someone down and list their faults and expect there to be no impact.

Newatthis

This is my story ,completely identical! Things were fine at first until we announced our engagement and then things got steadily worse for many, many years. She didn't want to know any of our wedding arrangements, she was never happy for us, even when we announced we were going to have a baby (her first grandchild). She was so jealous of everything - visits to my family, (even when my mum wanted to hold our baby at the christening) , whenever we bought anything new for the house - anything. We too fell out and didn't see her for 2 years. She made life very miserable for us, causing lots of arguments between my husband and myself, as he too would not speak up. It wasn't until the last five years of her life that she seem to accept me. I truly have never forgiven her for causing so much unhappiness, even though she is no longer with us. Fortunately, we spent most of our married life living far away, although that meant she would come and visit for a fortnight!! I could write volumes. Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy - that is all I can say. I empathise with you.

Sounds very familiar. And i think thats where im at, whilst i think i can eventually move past this for the sake of my husband and our son, i will never forgive her. Life events like wedding days, new home, first baby are supposed to be cherished memories and whilst they still are, she has stained them. Ill forget eventually, but never forgive.