Anxiety

Reported.

I wonder if the OP ever gives any thought to her husband's feelings?

jakuss

How did you cope with your courtship and marriage if you were anxious

Maybe there's a typo in your profile name jakuss. Shy/reticent/anxious people meet extroverted people and fall in love. Maybe the extrovert does all the talking and perhaps they find the shy person intriguing. Who knows and is it our business? They met and are married. It doesn't mean it magically transforms you into a gregarious extrovert. Are we not allowed to be different? Humans are incredibly complicated and multi-layered. The OP feels bad enough about her social anxiety. Think for a moment about what scares you. Standing up in front of one hundred people and giving an unrehearsed speech? Having a filling without local anaesthetic? Now imagine how the OP and others feel about social situations. Try to walk in other people's shoes. I realise the chances are you're a troll.

So I have been going on group holidays since I retired ten years ago. Usually 15 to 20 people, a mix of singles and couples. I would make a big effort to be sociable, but for me its exhausting. I am OK in the daytime, but evening group meals I loathe. So this year I went on holiday on my own. I was nervous and thought I might be lonely, but I absolutely loved it. I had a local guide each day and spent the whole time chatting to them about local history and local customs. In the evening I had room service meals and read my book in blissful peace. I like people, but I am a classic introvert and need downtime on my own. Its just how I am. Dont blame yourself Shimmer, you are not antisocial. I think everyone varies in sociability and that is fine. Incidentally my husband doesnt like holidays, so he doesnt come along, which I totally accept.

I avoid cruising holidays and other holidays where you are lumped together expected to sit on big tables to dine with others.

*GrannyIvy^ this is not the case on cruises nowadays in our experience.

Go & speak to your GP about your anxiety. I was suffering so spoke to mine and he has prescribed me Propaninol which I can take as & when needed as it works 30mins from taking it

How old are you

How did you cope with your courtship and marriage if you were anxious

Agree with Suzie. I do suffer a degree of social anxiety but am also a chatty sociable person but I need my own personal space. I am happy to chat briefly to others on holiday if we are all out on a trip together but prefer to just be with my husband. I avoid cruising holidays and other holidays where you are lumped together expected to sit on big tables to dine with others. We go away to relax and spend quality time together and enjoy being on the outside people watching. We have close friends we go away with occasionally and they are the same as us.

GoldenAge
I can relate to your post. Not for myself but through my granddaughter who suffers from anxiety.
She is 16 and up until last year she couldn’t get on a bus or train on her own.
So one day last year we drove into town where we have a big bus terminal. As you can imagine the anxiety started to ramp up. Fortunately I understand what’s happening physically ie adrenaline, fuel, fight or flight, breathing.
We took several bus journeys over a few weeks.
I cried a few weeks later when she phoned me and full of joy she told me she had been on a bus on her own. 😂

No , she didnt want him to leave her at home , she wanted peace and quiet with her husband and not to be dragged into a social evening with " friends " which she did not know ... my sympathy is with her ...

You aren’t antisocial nor do you have social anxiety. You just didn’t want to be sociable with these people. There’s nothing wrong with that. We are all different and just because you may not want to behave as many others do, doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you or that you need medical treatment!.

Shimmer - I'm sorry for you. Social anxiety is difficult to live with but it's also hard for the person who may feel that their life is becoming smaller because their partner never wants to go out for fear of meeting someone who strikes up a conversation.

I'm a psychotherapist and have many clients who suffer with anxiety of all kinds and that has its origins in many different circumstances. You say that you've had this all your life so my question would be what brought you and your husband together in the first place? Where did you meet and was that an accident or a social situation? If it was a social situation he will find it hard to understand why you don't like such situations now so you need to communicate with him and let him know what it is that worries you.

Can I ask the question whether you have any sensory problems, like are you disturbed by lots of noise or the texture of certain foods in your mouth, or particular materials on your skin? If so you might have a touch of autism, not that you need a label but it may help your husband to appreciate that you're not being miserable or awkward.

Did you feel more comfortable during lockdown or were there any aspects of your social life you genuinely did miss, like for example doing your shopping in large supermarkets?

My advice is to visit your GP and ask for some counselling for your anxiety - I'm sure that if you try to tackle this through talking therapy you won't need any drugs. Before you see the GP think deeper about the anxiety - is it purely related to meeting other people and having to talk/interact, or does it extend to worrying about stepping onto a bus or train, or thinking you might faint in the cinema or theatre? In other words is it generalised anxiety you're experiencing or simply a worry about having to interact with other people. If you can isolate the triggers that cause the anxiety for yourself, you'll be well on the way to understanding a little more about the problem.

My OH has always been very gregarious especially in his drinking years , he is now a non drinker but has recently caught up with friends from many years ago. We have spent a holiday at their home in Cornwall at their request. I found this excruciating, although lovely welcoming people ,sitting chatting night after night so as not to be anti social drove me mad I was practically wriggling in the seat to get away. I don't cope well with situations like this and have put my foot down about future visits, nights out with his friends. I dont socialise myself so dont mind if he goes without me. Shimmer ,I think you should too as it just causes so much stress.

You are not antisocial. Being away from all the everydayness of home gives you a new perspective on life and each other. The distraction of mundane chores is a wonderful lift to the spirit.
So no ........your fine !

I was bullied badly after finishing boarding school . I always felt like an outsider in my home town. Being an only child I kept it all bottled up. I’m not sure if my parents would have understood. I became very introverted as the years went on and now I’m happier alone even though I do have a few good friends. Small talk with strangers is exhausting for me. We like to holiday in quieter places.

I do hope that people who know they have social anxiety will consider getting help. It really can make a difference - not a magic wand of course, but a good chance it really can be alleviated.
Of course the anxiety itself makes it harder to ask for help - so I wish you the courage to take that step and see your GP. CBT does seem to help a lot of people leave that anxiety behind. Sending you lots of good wishes and hopes for a happier future.

I totally get it I very much want to be left alone when on holiday but my husband talks to anybody and everybody it drives me mad

SpinDriftCoastal

I think there are two sides to this question. Some people just get a buzz out of meeting and chatting to people, and others, like me, like to connect with people on the same wave length. Have you ever explored your social anxiety with a psychologist? I discovered that I was just a miserable person when in the wrong company, but give me the right company, and I had a great time.

For me it's not like this.
I have social anxiety and if I really enjoy someone's company, it's more stressful because I'm more anxious about doing or saying something silly and putting them off.
I do tend to avoid the people I like best, but luckily there are a few exceptions I've known ages & am (nearly) relaxed with now.

I would've been just the same as the OP in that situation on holiday - I don't mind a good chat with strangers once, but no wish to have to live on my nerves all holiday.

Sounds more like depression than anxiety to me. I suggest you talk to your GP. Not antisocial but not entirely 'right'. Maybe better staying at home if youfeel that way. Also not fair on your husband. Youhave to consider his feelings too not just want him to do what suits you.

You don’t sound anti social to me. When I go away I love people watching and really enjoy that. I was terribly shy as a teenager but pushed from an early age into working in the City of London, my colleagues showed me the ropes. Circumstances meant I was put into college at the age of 14 and by 15 was working in Liverpool street. Since then I continued to work in the City for 20 years, entertaining clients from Africa etc. I had to learn small talk. At 35 I started businesses and in my sixties for a bit of fun I worked as a film extra and was immediately given a speaking part. I did a Bollywood film in a London park and lots more, all giving me great confidence. Since breaking three bones and Covid, I am nervous to go out alone in case I fall, so I fully understand how you feel. I’ve been married for 45 years to a Westernised man from the Middle East and when we go on holiday he dreads meeting strangers because he is asked his life story and he has told it so many times, not what you want when enjoying a meal in a restaurant.

Don't call yourself antisocial, Shimmer. That means showing hostility to society, often active.
It's okay to be unsociable You don't have to love being with people you don't know and will probably never see again.
I think notspaghetti made some excellent comments 👌

Shimmer. I am exactly the same. Our first cruise holiday was difficult because we had to share a table of eight. After that I begged for a table for two. I no longer blame myself. Its the way I'm made. My husband is very outgoing but he understands its not what I want. He has a lot of social activities at home. I happily stay at home. Just accept its the way your are.

maybe you're like me, a highly sensitive person and don't want to speak to others all the time. Look it up, it might explain why you feel as you do

I do feel for anyone who has social anxiety - very hard to live with. I know that many people do recover and in case it is helpful, here is an NHS link which might help anyone suffering from it.
www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/social-anxiety-self-help-guide/