difficult relationship with son

The night before DDs wedding we had dinner with the groom's parents. It was the first time they'd spoken in 20 years. It was a bit awkward but OK. They were both aware that the wedding was not about them. It's the bride and groom's day. Be glad you're at least included.

I very much doubt that if myself and my ex were invited that there would be a problem. We would both behave. It’s what my son thinks might happen and I don’t blame him for that. Strangely even after all these years my sons never mention her in front of me. It’s like she’s Lord Voldemort. I would very much welcome if one of them got us in the same room and knocked our heads together and told us to sort it out.

I can understand your son’s probable feelings. I invited both my divorced parents to my wedding. My father refused to come if my mother’s new husband was invited. My mother refused to come if her husband (whom I’d never met) wasn’t invited. I spent the morning of my wedding begging my father to give me away and to come to the reception. They made everything very uncomfortable.

Sounds like he’s treading on egg shells around the situation. It’s very hard when he’s got his walls up, which he clearly has. I do agree it hurts but i also agree at least he’s factored you in the celebrations some dads don’t even get that. Just a thought though you said they never mention their mother in front of you, have you ever mentioned her to them because you loved each other once and had 3 sons so there are memories you could talk about at the lunch like when your mum and I got married etc it might just break down some walls.

barklyboy

I very much doubt that if myself and my ex were invited that there would be a problem. We would both behave. It’s what my son thinks might happen and I don’t blame him for that. Strangely even after all these years my sons never mention her in front of me. It’s like she’s Lord Voldemort. I would very much welcome if one of them got us in the same room and knocked our heads together and told us to sort it out.

years later, via a mutual friend I suggested meeting to clear the air however no reply has been received

I would very much welcome if one of them got us in the same room and knocked our heads together and told us to sort it out.

Why on earth does an adult man expect a friend, or his sons, to manage or facilitate any communication/ conflict resolution between him and his ex wife?

That is your responsibility and hers, nobody else's.

No wonder your son doesn't want his parents knocking heads or "sorting it out" at his wedding.

Spot on.

I would say there is a long, sad story here.
You say yourself and your ex not talking for years was mainly down to you and then when you decided to contact her some years later she didn't respond.. well, maybe the damage was done by then.
Who knows!

Yes

Things weren't always harmonious (dad/teenage son angst). I don't have any problem with him at all but I seem to only have to say, 'hello' to him and it winds him up.
I can understand why he hasn’t invited you both to NY and it seems your ex may have had a part in his decision. But it’s kind of them to arrange an extra celebration in London and kind of his brothers to attend a second time. Perhaps you could build better bridges with him by having a conversation with him including some of the following and saying genuinely ’I understand why you don’t want both of us at your wedding, I’ve tried to speak to your Mum but she obviously still finds it too difficult and I accept that. So I appreciate you having a second event in London and I’m looking forward to it.

Going back to when you lived together you call it ‘dad/teenage son angst’ but you were the adult and he wasn’t much more than a child and that’s how he’ll remember a very difficult time, from a child’s point of view. You have 3 sons to be proud of, I hope you feel able to tell him that, and to tell him how you wish when he lived with you you’d handled it better.

Perhaps, if you think it wouldn’t make you feel worse, you could ask if they are having a video link to the ceremony?

I think your son has handled this extremely well given neither he or his brothers are the guilty parties in all of this ! Go to the lunch, acknowledge your ex and celebrate the day! Put your son and his wife first!
My parents split when I was 14 and it was a long time before they managed to be civil at birthdays, Christmas etc but eventually got through it! My partner , however, refuses to have anything to do with his ex apart from attend the weddings of his 3 sons! His ex always shares Christmas and birthdays with one of the boys probably because she lives alone ! On the other hand my ex and I always said our daughter came first as she didn’t cause the split!
Keep the lines of communication open with everybody! Have a lovely lunch and bury the hatchet as it is their day and not about you! Treat them to a night in a hotel for your gift to them ! They need memories not “ stuff”
Good luck !

Just woke up a video link is a great idea 👏

monami

think of the fare youve saved, say nothing, choose a nice expensive lunch and just cut him out of your will

How vindictive and cruel. The son is trying to remain on good terms, while avoiding a potentially difficult and divisive situation.

He has thought of you op. Enjoy the lunch and don`t look back, it could well be a bright new beginning

Barklyboy, you and your ex-wife have behaved badly with regards to your divorce and your sons. Except when there has been domestic violence, there should be no reason not to stay civil with one another for the sake of your children and family harmony. A wedding is a prime example, it should be a day of celebration for everyone, your sons only have one mum, one dad, it's a sad situation when your son feels he has to exclude you for fear of upsetting his special day. You and your ex-wife should have put in more effort over the years to put your animosity towards one another aside, special occasions will always be awkward otherwise. Maybe you could take the opportunity to offer an olive branch to your ex-wife for the sake of future events - weddings, birthdays, christenings ... I'm sure your sons would be delighted to have their parents present for family gatherings, it shouldn't be too much to ask. Good luck 🤞.

barklyboy

I very much doubt that if myself and my ex were invited that there would be a problem. We would both behave. It’s what my son thinks might happen and I don’t blame him for that. Strangely even after all these years my sons never mention her in front of me. It’s like she’s Lord Voldemort. I would very much welcome if one of them got us in the same room and knocked our heads together and told us to sort it out.

Given that neither of you have spoken in so many years, there is likely much you’re unaware of as far as the fallout from the divorce. A wedding is not really the place to rehash or sort the past, nor is it the responsibility of the offspring to resolve parental differences. You and your ex made the decision to split, which was your right. That doesn’t mean it’s reasonable for the children to be expected to make the fallout easier for you both by risking awkward situations during their special milestones. It’s clear your son loves you and wants you part of his life and celebration. I would take the London celebration for the positive that it is and say nothing about NY to any of the sons.

I would also note that your son is choosing to travel at great expense to ensure he gets to celebrate with you. That seems proof of how important he views your involvement in this major life event.

I agree with BlessedArt.
Surely it will be good to meet his partner & to get together with your other sons to celebrate his marriage?
If you snub him because you're hurt, then you will just be adding to your own hurt, & your other sons mayn't sympathise, might think you're out of order.

Try to put the best interpretation on the non-invitation that you can - as others on here have said maybe he (or his fiancee) don't want any awkwardness on their special day & maybe his partner particularly wanted his Mum to come. Life isn't always fair, but if you brood on this you're only hurting yourself.

Agree with What Cossy said.

I have since discovered that my other two sons and their partners and my granddaughter have also been invited to the main event in New York and so has their mother

Assuming your son (the groom) wasn't the person who told you this, it shows a major flaw in your relationship with him and l think this may be what is needling you the most. It's deceitful and it says a great deal about his feelings for you, l think you are probably lucky to have been invited to a post wedding celebration and you should be thankful. If you question why you aren't invited to the NY ceremony l think that will be the end of your relationship.

It is what it is,if you don't go to the meal invite you'll be in the bad books and whatever the reasons you don't speak to your ex will be brought to the forefront again..from what you've put I take it your ex won't be there ?go for the sake of your relationship with all your boys..I don't have a lot to do with my daughter's dad,my ex husband,it suits us both and doesn't affect our relationship with her, sometimes it's best to have a clean break,good luck with the day

Yes I'd be hurt, but I'd accept the offer of lunch and be niceness personified.
Show them you are ok, that you try and maybe the invitations will increase.
Contact your son and say you'd like to get them a gift and wounded what they'd like. Take it as another reason you can get in touch with him. If he says nothing buy a personal token gift for them both to show you care.

Go to lunch and wish him and his wife every happiness.

Your relationship may improve now that he’s reached another life stage, especially if children follow.

As you say your son and his fiancée are well off and would be difficult to buy for, you are not having the expense of travelling to New York for the wedding, why don't you pay for the London lunch for your family, it would be a lovely gesture to your sons, partners and granddaughter, to celebrate such a happy gathering of your family.

Talk openly and positively about your ex-wife to your sons and hopefully it will pave the way for you two to be civil to one another for the sake of your sons and future family get-togethers. Maybe a family BBQ could be arranged while the newlyweds are in England so a casual reconciliation could be had 🤞.

I wouldn't ask why I hadn't been invited but I might ask if there was anything I could have do which would change the status quo for other family events. I'd listen to what my son had to say, make no excuses about previous troubles in the divorce or try to justify your behaviour and apologise for the fallout for him and your other sons. If there is nothing you can do to change the situation, accept it with good grace. Any ill feelings you might have from the situation, discuss them with a third party who is not part of the family or friend dynamic. A counsellor would be a good solution. Sometimes we are hurt by things we can't change or influence but arguing with the other party just causes more damage. Learning acceptance is part of the healing process.

barklyboy so because you didn't get an invite to the NY part of the wedding, you're are thinking about cutting your nose off to spite your face? Oh that's very adult! It's your son's day not yours. If you had been invited and not your ex wife would you care? and expect other adults to speak up on her behalf? You've said you behaved badly when you first divorced and then tried to speak to your ex. You're still hanging onto the fact that she didn't respond when you think she should have! Well she's got past you and put it behind her. As for mentioning about not getting the NY invite to your other son's! Don't it's not their business.

I also think we reap what we sew and the reason he doesn't want you at his actual wedding is more about your relationship than you and your ex.
Sounds like he had a very difficult time when living with you and ou have only touched on it.
You only have to say 'hello' and it winds him up sounds like he is still hurt by the past.
You also sound a bit bitter that they have done well financially...