To answer your question. Yes, you are the problem.
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Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?
(88 Posts)My eldest, C (22 years old) started seeing his current partner, A (24 years old) three years ago.
I will be honest, I was, at first, not thrilled with the relationship. First, I was a bit jarred by the age difference. C was born in 2004 whereas A was born in 2001. I worried she might have an upper hand in the relationship, and her experience with life could place him in a subservient role, even though I've raised him to be an independent, assertive young man. Second, I am Korean, and I always imagined my sons - I have two boys, aged 28 and 24 - would end up with Korean women. I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go.
We had a lot of arguments over the years due to some unfortunate statements I made as I suspected the relationship wasn't serious... I may have suggested once or twice that it might be good for him to “keep his options open” since they were still so young. At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth.
To be clear: I apologized if I offended A, as this was not my inten. However, my son and DIL have not been able to let these "rocky beginnings" go, unfortunately.
They eloped in early 2025. It was literally just C, A and their dog. I tried not to take this decision personally. That said, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that my own son did not want me to share this beautiful moment with them... I had to do some reflecting, especially in regards to what kind of mother (and mother-in-law) I had been over the last few years. So I have tried very hard to make things right since she got pregnant. I bought gifts, brought over homemade meals, sent articles about baby care, and apologized, time and again, if I had offended her. I explained myself and even offered some reflections on cultural differences, tips for how to make different worldviews work within a marriage. My husband is white, British born, so I have had plenty of my own experiences. Nothing worked... none of my affection or generosity was returned. It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem.
A had their son in March. My husband and I were not allowed to be present during the birth or even visit afterward because she "didn't feel right". I understood and respected that at face value, though I heard (from mutual acquaintances) that her parents were there the entire time. I didn't want to assume the worst, but it was more and more difficult not to feel singled out... In the meantime, I tried to be thoughtful, bought lavish gifts for both the new mother and the boy, offered homemade meals. He said they appreciated my effort... but she still "wasn't feeling OK yet", so I was not allowed to see the baby.
I saw my grandson for the first time last week. I felt this had gone on long enough and took initiative, took time off work, and let C know I would be coming by. I don’t think a grandmother should have to beg for permission to meet her grandson. Since this visit, however, C and A have been ignoring my messages and calls, not a clue as to what is going on on their side, as my visit was pleasant and everyone seemed content. A was looking radiant if a bit tired, and the baby was peaceful and calm when I held him.
Have I gone wrong? At this point, I am at a loss. I have reflected, apologized, made efforts, been generous, and shown nothing but love. Meanwhile, A continues to keep me at arm’s length while allowing her own family full access.
How can I get through to A and win her over so that I am allowed to care for my grandson and share special moments with him just like her mother does? Have any of you gone through anything like this?
None of us have the right to give or withhold our blessing!!
We all need to respect our childrens' choices.
Our DIL is Asian.
She is closer to us largely due to her mother's bigotry!
1. Your son's choice of partner is nothing to do with you. He's an adult. He makes his own decisions.
2. Likely, her parents being present at the birth was about them supporting their daughter, who was undergoing a medical experience, rather than seeing their grandchild. Women need to feel safe in order for labour to proceed.
3. They likely need some time and space to adapt to being new parents. You have definitely overstepped by coming over unannounced.
The most I would recommend for now is that you admit you've overstepped, apologize sincerely, and say you'll wait for THEM to be ready.
I am at a loss about giving advice about building bridges but I will just say that —
Whatever you do don’t write to them to explain yourself.
Once it’s on paper it can’t be forgotten or, if you don’t get it completely right, forgiven.
Cardamom
^Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?^
Wtf have I just read? Entice her with a hummingbird? But of course! When you've got a racist, misogynistic, sexist mother in law..... a hummingbird is the answer! Jfc.
you have missed the reference, no need to swear
sixandahalf
Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?
brilliant! well remembered!
I am South East Asian and my husband is English. I really, really struggle when my daughter was growing up due to differences in culture. When I was working, I often asked my English colleagues for their advice.
I am very close to my daughter. However, recently, she mentioned that I sometimes have no filter and can make offensive remarks without thinking. Perhaps due to my Asian upbringing which really upsets me.
We, Asian parents tend to be get too involved with our adult child’s life and sometimes critical of their life choices. Unlike English parents. Your son and DIL have picked up your ‘prejudice’ towards non Korean woman, and have therefore kept you at arms length.
So, best thing to do is to back off. Do not send articles about baby care or reflections of cultural differences. Do not give any advice unless they ask for it. Do not interfere with their life and let them make their own mistakes. Dont barger them and ask 'When can I see my grandson?'
Focus on your own life. Let them approach you. Hopefully, if they see you have changed, in future, they will include you in their life.
My siblings living overseas are Muslims. One of my nephews is getting married to a young Chinese lady and there will be a tea drinking ceremony during their wedding in the summer.
My twin sister married an Indian guy and their youngest daughter is currently dating a Chinese bloke.
Both sets of parents have given their children’s inter racial relationships their blessing.
Yes, you are the problem.
Why does age matter? My husband is older, never a question.
Were your parents accepting of your marriage to a white man?
At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth.
Extremely offensive and judgemental. How in the world did your experiences lead to such a ludicrous declaration? Personally I see no way forward from your statements. Perhaps pray your son will soften?
Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?
Wtf have I just read? Entice her with a hummingbird? But of course! When you've got a racist, misogynistic, sexist mother in law..... a hummingbird is the answer! Jfc.
Sadly, I think that the answer to your question, Cello player, seems to be yes.
I'm not sure how easy it will be for you to build bridges with your DIL after all of this
MarieElla
What is your husband's take on all this?
Probably keeping well out of it if he has any sense and puts it down to warring women.
My husband and I were not allowed to be present during the birth
Good grief!! How intrusive!
As for not feeling right and not wanting visitors straight away as soon as your DIL had given birth, I can empathise with that.
Where's John McEnroe when you need him?
MarieElla
I think yiu need therapy or training to change your mindset.
You need to accept people for themselves not for their gender, race, background, etc...
There’s more chance of draining the North Sea than the OP changing her mindset
What is your husband's take on all this?
CelloPlayer- 12.08 I am not a racist!!! It could be I have been a bit misguided, and indeed, offensive, but I am married to a Brit, and get along splendidly with his family, who are all WHITE. well done on coming on line to give your feedback- thats brave at least.
"Misguided"? By whom or what- your belief system? It doesn't matter whether you're married to a man, woman, white person or any other colour skin person. You made racist, sexist and misogynistic comments even if you do not see yourself as a person described in that way.
You say "I do not have many friends and I'll be honest in saying I am not the best at putting my emotions and thoughts into words." That also is a fundamental problem. If you keep saying, racist, sexist, misogynistic words your relationship with your son and A will not improve.
You say "I will also freely admit I am surprised to see that I have not done enough to restore our relationship. I thought I was going above and beyond, and truly, what I have done has been to sincerely make things right with her".
You have not gone above and beyond, save for upsetting and alienating your son and A. I am surprised you feel you have- thats a true giveaway on your low level of insight into the issues underpinning the tensions you are experiencing with your son and A.
Only you can develop insight. Only you can change so that you do not repeat the way you express yourself. I suggest counselling if you are really motivated to develop insight into your beliefs, your behaviour and communication style.
Your son is now an adult. He gave you clear a very clear indication of his boundaries at the very beginning of his relationship to A when you commented:
"I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go".
When your son articulated his boundaries you felt he was being disrespectful. Therein also lies the problem because he wasn't disrespectful- you were. Again counselling can help you reflect on appropriate boundaries, why they are necessary and why they need to be respected, and, specifically you can how to respect those of your adult son and A going forward.
Entice her with a gift? She isnt a child or a pet!
Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?
OK, well if this is actually real, here's what I would do :
- apologise unreservedly for your comments about her being 'lesser than a Korean girl' (and for the life of me I can't think why you would say or even think that, given that you are married to a white, British man!!). Say that you quite understand that it would have seriously offended her;
- say that you clearly have some views which need updating & that you will start straight away to work on those, either with professional help or with extensive self-help methods;
- accept that your son is an adult, his first loyalty is now to his wife, not you , and that you must wait to be invited to visit or do anything to do with their baby;
- stop offering unsolicited advice and sending 'helpful' articles - they are the opposite of helpful unless requested. Advice on cultural differences and tips for how to make their marriage work would offend anyone....
- "A was looking radiant if a bit tired" - have you actually listened to that again? A bit tired?! She's just had a baby for goodness sake! Learn to stop all your sentences on the positive without qualifying with a negative..."A was looking radiant" would have been lovely;
- accept that her mother will always come first for her, just as your sons are uppermost in your mind..that's natural. It takes time to accept, but accept it you must, if you want to have any relationship with her at all.
I mean, good luck, but you have a lot of work to do. In answer to your question...yes, I'm sorry but at the moment you are most DEFINITELY the problem, sorry.
I think yiu need therapy or training to change your mindset.
You need to accept people for themselves not for their gender, race, background, etc...
I am not a racist!!! It could be I have been a bit misguided, and indeed, offensive, but I am married to a Brit, and get along splendidly with his family, who are all WHITE. We had "rocky beginnings" as well, with his parents fearing I was after money (I make my own). As such I would say I worried a lot about my sons going through the same, if they were to get into relationships with white women. Or men for that matter.
What I said to her / them about Asian women being better lovers and everything else was indeed offensive. I agree that it was out of pocket and if I could take it back I would. But I can't.
What more can I do, besides apologize? And keep my mouth shut if a thought like that crosses my mind?
I made a mistake on this site as it is my first time using it! I apologize. I posted on one "forum" then did not find my post again so I re-posted it on another "forum", thinking I had done something wrong. Hence, two posts on two separate "forums."
I am not a BOT.
I am reading the responses here, and am so grateful there are any at all. I have been at a loss and find it hard to express it, even to my husband. I do not have many friends and I'll be honest in saying I am not the best at putting my emotions and thoughts into words...
I will also freely admit I am surprised to see that I have not done enough to restore our relationship. I thought I was going above and beyond, and truly, what I have done has been to sincerely make things right with her. She is a gentle young woman and although she is not what I would have wanted for my son, I can see why they have chosen each other...
CelloPlayer somehow, over a remarkably short space of time, you've managed to breach every boundary, cause offence to everyone on every level and created an almost insurmountable rift between your own son and his family. Your interference in trying to force your son to choose only a cute, smart Korean girl, who won't have an upper hand in the relationship, manages to be racist, sexist and misogynistic, all at the same time; well done on that. Personally, I can't see any way back for you from this; your behaviour has been too toxic for most decent people to move past and, if I was your son, or DIL, I would ensure that you never came near my child again, no matter how many expensive gifts you sent. Quite honestly I'd advise you to just leave them alone from now on; they don't need what you have on offer.
Oh gosh, I don’t even know where to start with this!! It is so easy to see why some people are estranged…….🤦🏻♀️
OP is either a troll or a racist bigot.
I really don’t think we should be fuelling the fire.
My replies were deleted with the other thread!
But please come back OP as if you're genuine, you really need advice before the relationship with your son and his family breaks down completely.
Please note that daughters are not always closer to their own mothers and families.
I certainly prefer my inlaws and know my daughter in law to be is closer to us due to her own mother's bigotry.
You are bringing all this on yourself. Your son is not a child and hopefully you have brought him up to be a responsible adult who makes good choices, which in his opinion, he has with his partner. I only hope that you have not cast a dark cloud over the early stages of their life together both in their relationship and with their new baby. If you carry on the way you are doing, you will have built in failure for sure. New times, new climes.
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