I don’t know whether this post is for real. I tend to think not, just a pot stirrer. If it is for real then the comments made are apt so I won’t add to them.
Relatively new here so an introduction.
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Relationships
Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?
(88 Posts)My eldest, C (22 years old) started seeing his current partner, A (24 years old) three years ago.
I will be honest, I was, at first, not thrilled with the relationship. First, I was a bit jarred by the age difference. C was born in 2004 whereas A was born in 2001. I worried she might have an upper hand in the relationship, and her experience with life could place him in a subservient role, even though I've raised him to be an independent, assertive young man. Second, I am Korean, and I always imagined my sons - I have two boys, aged 28 and 24 - would end up with Korean women. I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go.
We had a lot of arguments over the years due to some unfortunate statements I made as I suspected the relationship wasn't serious... I may have suggested once or twice that it might be good for him to “keep his options open” since they were still so young. At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth.
To be clear: I apologized if I offended A, as this was not my inten. However, my son and DIL have not been able to let these "rocky beginnings" go, unfortunately.
They eloped in early 2025. It was literally just C, A and their dog. I tried not to take this decision personally. That said, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that my own son did not want me to share this beautiful moment with them... I had to do some reflecting, especially in regards to what kind of mother (and mother-in-law) I had been over the last few years. So I have tried very hard to make things right since she got pregnant. I bought gifts, brought over homemade meals, sent articles about baby care, and apologized, time and again, if I had offended her. I explained myself and even offered some reflections on cultural differences, tips for how to make different worldviews work within a marriage. My husband is white, British born, so I have had plenty of my own experiences. Nothing worked... none of my affection or generosity was returned. It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem.
A had their son in March. My husband and I were not allowed to be present during the birth or even visit afterward because she "didn't feel right". I understood and respected that at face value, though I heard (from mutual acquaintances) that her parents were there the entire time. I didn't want to assume the worst, but it was more and more difficult not to feel singled out... In the meantime, I tried to be thoughtful, bought lavish gifts for both the new mother and the boy, offered homemade meals. He said they appreciated my effort... but she still "wasn't feeling OK yet", so I was not allowed to see the baby.
I saw my grandson for the first time last week. I felt this had gone on long enough and took initiative, took time off work, and let C know I would be coming by. I don’t think a grandmother should have to beg for permission to meet her grandson. Since this visit, however, C and A have been ignoring my messages and calls, not a clue as to what is going on on their side, as my visit was pleasant and everyone seemed content. A was looking radiant if a bit tired, and the baby was peaceful and calm when I held him.
Have I gone wrong? At this point, I am at a loss. I have reflected, apologized, made efforts, been generous, and shown nothing but love. Meanwhile, A continues to keep me at arm’s length while allowing her own family full access.
How can I get through to A and win her over so that I am allowed to care for my grandson and share special moments with him just like her mother does? Have any of you gone through anything like this?
Smileless2012
That was my interpretation too NotSpaghetti.
And mine!
stillawipp
OK, well if this is actually real, here's what I would do :
- apologise unreservedly for your comments about her being 'lesser than a Korean girl' (and for the life of me I can't think why you would say or even think that, given that you are married to a white, British man!!). Say that you quite understand that it would have seriously offended her;
- say that you clearly have some views which need updating & that you will start straight away to work on those, either with professional help or with extensive self-help methods;
- accept that your son is an adult, his first loyalty is now to his wife, not you , and that you must wait to be invited to visit or do anything to do with their baby;
- stop offering unsolicited advice and sending 'helpful' articles - they are the opposite of helpful unless requested. Advice on cultural differences and tips for how to make their marriage work would offend anyone....
- "A was looking radiant if a bit tired" - have you actually listened to that again? A bit tired?! She's just had a baby for goodness sake! Learn to stop all your sentences on the positive without qualifying with a negative..."A was looking radiant" would have been lovely;
- accept that her mother will always come first for her, just as your sons are uppermost in your mind..that's natural. It takes time to accept, but accept it you must, if you want to have any relationship with her at all.
I mean, good luck, but you have a lot of work to do. In answer to your question...yes, I'm sorry but at the moment you are most DEFINITELY the problem, sorry.
I’m sorry to say I agree.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but why on earth did you and your husband expect to be at the birth?
The age gap is negligible, my son who is almost 24 is dating the most fabulous girl who is 28.
Your comments abouts about Korean women being better mothers, lovers etc etc is so misguided, I cannot believe you even put this in print.
Tbh, you sound like a horrific MiL and I feel so sorry for your DiL!
That was my interpretation too NotSpaghetti.
NotSpaghetti
*Lesley60*, as people have said above, "being at the birth" is most likely to mean waiting at the hospital!
I didnt assume that. I took it literally. If a husband says, "I was there cor the birth of my daughter" that doesnt mean he was in a waiting room at a hospital. Your opinion is your opinion. Mine is mine. Lesley's is Lesley's. She is not the only one.
I think this post is fake, anyways. What is it? From year 2025?
Lesley60, as people have said above, "being at the birth" is most likely to mean waiting at the hospital!
You must be the mother in law from hell, how dare you say Korean women make better mothers and wives, there are good and bad in all cultures.
If I were your daughter in law you could stuff your presents you can’t buy your way out of it, and why on earth would she want you and your husband at the birth, for one you wouldn’t want anyone you are not emotionally close to and beside that she wouldn’t want your husband seeing her private parts.
You need to back off before you lose your son and his family completely.
If the OP google searches "How to apologize for being racist" she will find some steps to take.
Yes, we asked earlier about her husband but I'm not sure CelloPlayer will come back after so much relentless criticism.
I hope she can make herself change. And that they accept it.
Yes, I hope so too.
You can imagine what grief her husband has to put up with. He probably just wants a quiet life. I had a friend like the OP (note had), her bolshiness and domineering behaviour just got too much. The friendship just fizzled out, thankfully, but her husband endures her bossiness and bitchiness by just switching off 😉.
The OP has been back TheSunRisesInTheEast
I think she will try to improve and take notice in future.
I hope she can do it - and that she gets another chance to try.
Hopefully, after reading the replies on here, the OP can see that her behaviour is unacceptable and no-one agrees with her opinions or actions.
She is obviously very opinionated, doesn't have a filter, is inconsiderate, tactless, rude and outspoken to the point of no-one feeling that they can challenge her or call her out on her forthright manner ... until now! She sounds surprised that she hasn't received any support on here, but at least she is now acknowledging that her behaviour is appalling and hopefully she can apologise to her son and daughter-in-law for her unsavoury comments and they can make amends. They may forgive her, but they will never forget.
I hope things improve for them and their little baby, it's all unnecessary hassle they don't need in their lives. OP, you have a lot of grovelling to do, and in future keep your unkind opinions to yourself, which may be difficult, but otherwise you will lose them completely 🤷.
I see. Maybe she meant "During the labour".
The story seems a bit phishy to me.
'during the birth’ doesn't mean in the room.
Why would the DiL want other men viewing her gina? Utterly mad.
I’ve read the OP again, and she did say that she and her husband were hoping to be there ‘during the birth’, which is self-explanatory. Now, that would be an expectation too far.- I have never known of any culture, where the father-in-law is present in the delivery room. 😫
I'm wondering if you really meant present at the birth or that you meant (say) waiting at the hospital?
I think you said earlier that the other grandparents were present at the birth.
I don't really think it's likely that the grandfather would have been invited in to be honest, even if she had wanted her mother actually with her in the labour ward / her bedroom.
Christ, just caught up that you expected not only yourself but your husband to be present at the birth.
Sorry, but that’s just mad!
Sorry, OP, but you are what is often referred to as the MIL from Hell.
On top of every boundary you’ve crossed over the years - I completely understand why they eloped! - you’re still at it. Do not send her articles on baby care, fgs! Keep your nose out unless and until your advice is requested and even then, tread very carefully.
Would the very small age gap of three years have concerned you were your son the elder partner? I suspect not.
And yes, your statement that Korean women are better wives, mothers and partners is racist as hell.
Sago - 🤣🤣🤣
I think the saucy old sea dog and the cleaner got caught after the OP set up video surveillance
They were caught in the act
To get her revenge OP posted the footage on a naughty website, it got thousands of hits and earned OP a small fortune.
Saucy sea dog and cleaner are blissfully unaware and naively put on a new performance every Thursday afternoon.
OP is turning a blind eye as she is now in a new relationship and in the process of buying a new home on Jersey (tax haven)
Please understand I’m enjoying some lovely wine and needed a little fantasy myself this evening!
sixandahalf 18.28.
I remember that post well! I wonder how it all panned out since then...
crazyH
I wish I could remember the humming story - please can someone elaborate . I need a laugh today 😂
It was rather saucy, are you sure you can handle this? you may have an attack of the vapours.
Smelling salts at the ready.
Once Upon a time there was a cleaner who had a " thing" for hummingbirds. I know, I know but bear with me. She was youngish and attractive in a blousy Eastern European kind of way.
The heroine of our tale employed the slightly blousy cleaner but sadly the terms and conditions were not as clear as the crystal.
The husband of our heroine was a bit of an old sea dog who enjoyed the finer and ( some may say) darker things in life, including a bit of slap and tickle.
Imagine the horror when our heroine, innocently searching for a hat box in the wardrobe, finds a cane and a hummingbird cup!
Dear reader, I will leave you to draw your own conclusions.
Humming bird
I wish I could remember the humming story - please can someone elaborate . I need a laugh today 😂
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