On my mind

My father always referred to me as his brainy daughter, and my sister as his beautiful daughter. It hurt us both. Well into our 30s she said something about being not as clever as me - she achieved an IMA, I got married not long after my A levels. I told her that IMA in the civil service is counted as a degree level, so who was the clever one? She replied that with my big blue eyes and fair skin, who was the beautiful one? A bit of healing.

To Magenta8
I think your brother just said it to annoy you and to see your reaction. It was very cruel and you were too young, or too nice to insult him back and he took advantage of that. A pity that your parents didn’t catch him saying it. It says more about him than you. He should have been ashamed of himself knowing that he was causing you distress.

My brother said to me in my teens "I don't know why anyone goes out with you. There isn't enough of you." I haven't grown above 5 ft since. The only place I'm glad is on a plane.

One of my favourite quotes, repeat it till you believe it: ' I am not beautiful like you, I am beautiful like me'. And you are, Shimmer, and all the other Gransnetters.

I was ready for my niece's wedding and asked how I looked. My ex looked at me, pointed to my stomach, and asked when I was getting rid of it, meaning being overweight. By this point I had 4 children and, just for the record, I was not fat. He didn't last long after that!!

I must have been about 7 or 8 when a very pretty friend with whom I was playing, said to me :- "My mother says it's such a shame that you are fat, otherwise you would be pretty"
I have never forgotten that, though looking back at childhood photos I don't think I was particularly fat, certainly not by today's standards,rather quite a sturdy build. But at an age when you are working out who you are and building your self esteem, it's not helpful. I don't hold that against her however as she was not old enough to know any different.
I have never considered myself to be pretty however much I have tried , nor however many compliments I have received.

Yes, I had dark skin discolouration across my cheeks. I always took trouble to cover them when I applied my make up. I worked in a college and they were short of people for the beauty therapists to practice on and I was asked to help out. I had a very nice facial but upon leaving a male colleague asked what had happened, I said I just had a facial and he replied 'my god if I came out looking like you I'd sue them!'
I was mortified, especially when I found out he'd told someone else how bloody ugly I'd looked.

I can't believe how many nasty people there are upsetting others, especially when made by a parent. You would think that they would never want to say anything to upset their child.. A comment that made me laugh that an ex told me about is "I didn't know they stacked sh*t that high"! It sounds like a very good retort to me!

I’m 70 and quite recently someone who I thought was a friend, came to my home for a cup of tea and chat. As I gave her her tea, she looked at me closely and said, yes, without makeup you really are a plain Jane aren’t you? Then asked her partner what he thought and he agreed with her.
I only occasionally wear a little make up and think I look ok just as I am. Her comment really upset me.

When I was in teens a stranger shouted to me in the street that I was ugly.
Another time as an adult I helped at a kids club. I offered to play a game with. 2 girls 10 years old and one of them told me that ugly people were not allowed to play. I now avoid photos, videos and mirrors.

Violetbynight

To Magenta8
I think your brother just said it to annoy you and to see your reaction. It was very cruel and you were too young, or too nice to insult him back and he took advantage of that. A pity that your parents didn’t catch him saying it. It says more about him than you. He should have been ashamed of himself knowing that he was causing you distress.

My mother did catch him several times. She was there when he got several of his friends to ask why I was so ugly in unison. She just used to laugh.

HappyNan1

I’m 70 and quite recently someone who I thought was a friend, came to my home for a cup of tea and chat. As I gave her her tea, she looked at me closely and said, yes, without makeup you really are a plain Jane aren’t you? Then asked her partner what he thought and he agreed with her.
I only occasionally wear a little make up and think I look ok just as I am. Her comment really upset me.

Honestly, how can people be so unkind. To be honest they deserve a quick reply : " And you really are an unkind person if you think its ok to say something so hurtful!" ...and when the usual defensive "Oh it was just a joke" comes back ...a follow up of "Really! Well it wasnt funny!"

I’ll bet most of us have these types of memories that have caused deep sadness over the years. It’s interesting that 100 nice comments does not undo the one that stung.

When I did or said something that my dad didn't agree with, he would resort to his "educational" speeches which lasted a long time. He loved saying "You are big and old and ugly enough" to . . . understand this/to do this/to not do that.

Bucci

I’ll bet most of us have these types of memories that have caused deep sadness over the years. It’s interesting that 100 nice comments does not undo the one that stung.

This is true Bucci, but it's also true that it (the comment) says more about the person who says it

ClicketyClick

I have never forgot being in the primary school playground always standing alone because no-one wanted to hold my hands playing things like ring a ring of roses. One child had said I had the lergy and didn't want to catch it. That comment went round the playground and eventually the school. It was very bad eczema and to this day I'm still very conscious of my hands and hate writing in full view of people.

I had bad eczema all over as a child - legs, arms, and face, but the other children seemed to accept me. It was the adults who were the problem!

I remember two 'dinner ladies' staring at me and one said 'Why doesn't your mother put something on your face?' Both looked at me as if they were going to be sick! Never forgot that.

Over the years I’ve had men in particular mention my weight!! My ex husband mentioned the whole 24 years being married he wanted me to be slimmer. I’ve never been bigger than a 16/18. He left me for a slim woman who dumped him he is married to a woman who is a size 20 who is very short. My weight had affected me my whole life. My self esteem is low. Like you I always thunk the worse and not about the good things.

Several men have made hurtful comments about my appearance over the years and yes, they still hurt. The irony is that the worst was from a small, ginger baldie who had a silly voice! Did I say anything.? Of course not. Would I now? You betcha ..

Yes I think I would too now just a shame I couldn't do it then

Hollysteers:
wish I had “the gift of the gab” it can make up for lack of confidence, which is something I have in spades.
Bet you are good looking too!

I have also got a bad memory regarding my skin.I suffered vert badly with psoriasis when I was younger.
Can you believe it was a midwife who said this to me when I way in hospital having my first child.She said
" what is that" as she saw my red discoloured skin around my private area.
She made me feel like I was dirty
This was over 40 yrs ago

As a teenager, my friends brother who I fancied like mad, told her he would never be interested because I reminded him of a Romanian washer woman. I was quite hurt.

Another "gent" caught a glimpse of my stomach and laughed with all his friends about my hairy stomach. I was mortally embarrassed.

My first husband asked me whether I'd consider a nose job.

I'm obviously as pretty as a picture!!!

My previous fiance of 3 years told me he was breaking up with me because I had thick ankles and he had met a girl who didn't!

I cannot remember my family ever mentioning looks or , weight. We were not criticised just to do our best and be honest. It seems now everything is about looks and if found lacking to have a cosmetic procedure, as if it matters..

After getting good exam results I was told by an elderly relative that you can't be pretty and clever. The comment still niggles me.