Relentlessly negative pessimism from OH

Buy a large pack of cotton mens hankies. Each time he goes negative, pass him a hankie and say "Boo hoo hoo you poor little baby"

I know someone who was fed up with her husband's carping. She bought a plaque and put it in a prominent place. It read "If you don't have anything good to say then say nothing".

Sounds like a control issue to me !

Is it a childhood thing for him - was he let down a lot by his parents?
Has he had or has he got a serious health condition that makes him anxious?
Can you talk to him / tease him about his negativity?
Can you list (in your head) lots of things that you love about him?
Alternatively, B and Q do good deals on patio slabs 😂

My husband is the same. He always sees the worst in every situation, every place, every person. He really is a glass half empty person. We can't plan anything ahead just in case.....It's extremely wearing and depressing. Sometimes I say things like, "Well I am going to the party/holiday/day trip/shop etc...even if you are staying at home." That usually motivates him into action. I think his negativity is as much about control as it it apathy.

Buckie, you are corrrct. This is about being in control and a fear of losing that control . Kobieta, tell your DH how this makes you feel. If he ignores you go ahead with your plans and leave him to his own devices. He may well have back down , his loss if he doesn't!

Sounds like he suffers from anxiety, or a real worrier which is based around anxiety.
Would CBT help at all?
Maybe start of dementia which is making it worse.

I must admit that in my marriage I am the glass half empty one whereas my OH is like you.
My natural inclination when anyone says anything is to point out the possible problems - but I am trying hard to stop that now.
To me, it sounds like your OH is finding life overwhelming at the moment and all these small additional things are too much for him to cope with. I wonder if he is worried about something that he hasn't shared with you.

Has this guy always been so negative
Leopards rarely change their spots
As others have said is it a way of control ?

Shelflife

Sounds like a control issue to me !

I was thinking the same……..almost as though if it’s not his idea then it’s a bad idea

Maybe you could try being a bit of a drama queen vis “whatever shall we do with all these plums/tomatoes, such a shame, have you any ideas, I know I can freeze/ make something with them if I’m not too tired.” Agree with him and see if it helps. (I don’t promise}. “Yes I know these people are a pain but we can’t really not go now.”. “It’s cooler at the coast but you can stay here and sweltering if you’d rather and I’ll go by myself if you’d rather.”

Otherwise headphones and your favourite music?

It is incredibly draining being around a constantly negative person. I don't expect optimistic joy from anyone but he does need to be told how it makes you feel. Does he have an interest or hobby? apart from moaning? If you can go and do a few things that get you out of having to hear it, would be good. It sounds as others have suggested that he is worrying or isn't sure how to occupy himself. Tackle it if you can because you deserve better.

What a strain on you .
It's totally exhausting living with a pessimist
And you write that he's getting worse .
I think that he needs counselling ,before he makes you feel depressed .

At work, we used to call this "catastrophising". It can be helped with CBT. As you say, he has always been like this so as he ages, it has become more entrenched. Has he recently retired or is he planning to retire? Maybe he's worried about ageing and/or coping on a pension?

Astitchintime - You are so right. My husband will NOT do anything or beieve anything if he hasn't thought of it.

My OH is very similar, but has got worse over the last couple of years, since his Alzheimers diagnosis. He gets very anxious about everything, which is not like his 'old self '. I always try and reassure him that whatever he has predicted probably won't happen, but I agree, it's hard to cope with. Sorry that I haven't got any pearls of wisdom to offer you.

Thank you all so much for your input, it's given me plenty to think about. Yes, he is recently retired (but no, his pension is perfectly adequate). I must admit I have been wondering about Alzheimers as more and more often I am finding lights left on in empty rooms and the other day an external door was bolted but not actually shut. However, he has always had a dreadful memory and can't remember events from the past which I can picture clearly, whereas I understood that AZ patients could remember the past long since, but not so much the previous week.
He has plenty of activities which keep him out of the house quite a lot and I sometimes go to events linked to his activities to show willing, but he point blank refuses to come to events associated with my personal activities.
@25Avalon The trouble is that his remarks are so clearly untrue that I have difficulty agreeing with them, but I will see if I can adapt your strategy....
and yes, I think that I really do need to tell him how he's making me feel, but I need to be very careful because if I try to stat a serious conversation he has form for saying things like "oh, I'm a terrible person, the stupidest person on the planet" and cutting short all dialogue with his insincerity.

"if I suggested doing something or buying something he would always say "no" immediately"

Oh, mine does that! It's his default position.
He's not always negative though, but it is annoying. It just makes everything hard work.

My husband was like this. I divorced him. It drains your energy living with someone like this. He is miserable and he wants everyone else to be miserable too.

My husband suffered severe anxiety and negativity. I learnt this from a motivational speaker. At the end of each day he had to think of something positive that happened that day. He could then list 2 negatives. At first there were no positives but as we persisted so the positives grew and the negatives actually disappeared.

That can work with children too TillyWhiz especially if they become negative about school. Helpful with autistic children too. So worth trying.

Kobieta

Hello, just wondering if anyone has any tips for how to deal with my husband's constant negativity?
We've been married 40 years and he's always been a bit negative.... if I suggested doing something or buying something he would always say "no" immediately, I think it was for fear of agreeing to something and then regretting it.
He wouldn't even discuss baby names until I was 8 months pregnant "in case something happens" and he's a "glass half empty" kind of person, whereas I see no point in worrying about outcomes that I can't change until they actually happen - which they generally don't.
I have noticed his negativity getting worse...... "those plums will go off before we've eaten them" (no they didn't, I made a tart and it was very good) .... we've got far too many tomatoes, we'll never eat them all (tomatoes and plums were a "gift" from a family member who has a large allotment) so I made a tomato sauce which will keep in the fridge for several days if necessary..... not that the tomatoes were over ripe. When he (again) said "we have too many tomatoes" I told him that he didn't need to worry, I'd made a sauce..... now he says that it's a shame to use such delicious tomatoes to make a sauce and the giver would be very upset if he found out. I hasten to add that we had a large tomato salad with fresh tomatoes for lunch.
These are just the latest examples but it's constant "why are we going to see these people, we have nothing in common?" (they are lovely and have become our best friends), "there's no point in doing X or Y as it's going to rain" (it didn't). "Why are we going to the coast in a heatwave?" (Because the car has air conditioning and it will be 5°C cooler there.... and the place we go is not a holiday hotspot so it will be quiet).
I am having to bite my tongue more and more often and I am frankly getting worn down by the non-stop negativity, so would welcome "coping" tips. Or possibly advice about building a new patio......

My husband is exactly the same. He never sees the positivity in anything. We have been married for 55 years so he won't change now. Mind you, his mother was the same so maybe it is hereditary. .

Might be something in that Estrellita 🤣

This all seems a little one sided. I am sure your husband would tell a different story to balance what is going on here
I’m not saying you are wrong it’s just that every story has 2 sides and the truth usually is somewhere in between