Relentlessly negative pessimism from OH

I really don't know how women can put up with such negative men for 40 years if marriage.

Don't you think you deserve a better life?

Not where men are concerned it doesn’t! Mine is driving me crazy. I think he has dementia!

Can you get anywhere if you tell him to stop making these negative remarks?

I think unfortunately, our unfortunate characteristics do tend to be aggravated as we age.

This can be, as others have said, be a sign of incipent dementia, but may just be part of your husband's personality.

You can't change him by now, but could you manage to change your own reactions to his (irritating) behaviour?

Shrug, and say to yourself or to him, "Oh there you go again" or "That is not very likely to happen."?

Or more rudely, "Oh do stop MOANING!"

Gango. You might well be correct but have you ever lived with a Narc from my knowledge they will always play the victim

I agree they do so live with it or walk away. Everyone has a choice

It’s a man thing, they like to be in control. My husband left me after 40 years.
Although I was distraught at the time, I realise now he did me a massive favour.
I’ve got another partner now but refuse to live with him as he has the same controlling ways as you describe, so why would I want to put myself through all that again.
Loving living my life with my dog, who shares unconditional love ❤️🐾

Sorry I might have misunderstood that
Are you saying that it’s the women’s fault??

Divorce

My DH is the same . We were on a cruise and he moaned throughout . There were a few problems like the balcony had a overhang and there was noise from the deck above . But he went on and on about it.so much so I let out a huge sigh one night as we went to bed . We were on a. Cruise for heavens sake ! Lots of people don't make it to retirement. I do empathise! I dont have any answers . But make sure you give yourself space and time with friends away from him .

I have one who verges on this behaviour, although he has always been a worrier and, interestingly, his father was the same. So perhaps there is a genetic trace in pessimism.
I deal with it by ignoring it. The worst thing you can do is encourage debate over things like tomatoes.
I have the character to slap him down. Just don't stand it.

Gango

This all seems a little one sided. I am sure your husband would tell a different story to balance what is going on here
I’m not saying you are wrong it’s just that every story has 2 sides and the truth usually is somewhere in between

That is bullshit, sorry to say

I found that when someone has become addicted to pessimisim you just have to agree with every negative thing they say and then reply with an even worse scenarios. Soon they run out of ideas to be so disagreeable when you agree with everything they say and you become a reciprocal downer by their side. Maybe even more of a bummer.

My husband has always been more negative than me but since his Strokes he is worse. I have to bully him into doing physio exercises. I see no point in paying £110 an hour for private physio once a week and then moaning about doing exercises in between.

I have to bully him into coming out in the car or wheelchair or even into the garden but once he’s out he’s OK. He moans about all his health problems and the fact that he can now do very little. I understand and it must be truly horrible but some days I do tell him what I think! I feel very sorry for him but also for me.

Macaydia. I agree with agreeing or rather not arguing I think it called the GREY ROCK technique Trying to go one worse just has a negative effect on yourself A t least that is what I have found

Macaydia

You must have thought long and hard to come up with the “bullshit” response

Takes a lot of education to put such a well thought through retort. I can only presume youre into your second bottle of something strong

Have you tried telling it like it is ? Stop your bloody moaning , or give it a rest . I wouldn’t be able to be with a man like that . My husband was very much of the moment , he’d say let’s go here or ‘let’s do this’.

Attention seeking.

this is so difficult. One moment I think, "he needs to do CBT" but then next I think, "he will just catastrophize the therapy"

This means - CBT helps some, not others where it is so ingrained (I'm a trained psychotherapist)

AI is actually very helpful here

"To catastrophize means to imagine the absolute worst possible outcome of a situation and treat it as an inevitable disaster. It is a common cognitive distortion where a small problem or minor setback spirals into a belief that things are totally unrecoverable

why people do it

"False preparation: The brain tries to brace for danger so you are not caught off guard.

Uncertainty intolerance: Thinking a known bad outcome is safer than an unknown future.

Control issues: Expecting doom helps mask feelings of helplessness

And so on.

Whether control is deliberate, ie he has to control you to stop being overwhelmed by positivity (which can trigger more fear, doom as he cannot think any other way)

or the result of these thought patterns, has the same effect on you.

There are lots of good strategies people have mentioned, but in the end, if it is possible, you have to leave him. You too only have one life x

And I really appreciate this cannot be done when that person relies on you for caring and so on, its gone past the point.

(PS - I left my husband, he used to do that on and off a lot, stopped friendship, hope - but he was also very ill with mania, it was dangerous to me.

It also can take a long time to recover ones selfhood - and there can be money issues)

If I have an opinion , OH will always argue from another point of view. DD & SiL con him by saying “We can’ do that” or
“ It will be too difficult to do that” which is the opposite of what they want him to do. I hardly get to talk to any one these days. Few family calls , visits or even texts except GS who we pay to work. Why am I so lonely? Is me or him that people avoid?

I'm a natural pessimist. I always think the worst my excuse was always if it doesn't happen then I'm happy if it does thrn I'm prepared. Luckily I was married for 50 years to someone who was a "dont worry about it until it happens" person and some of it rubbed off. Now, without him, I try to think that way. I do find myself slipping back a little but I can control it, commonsense wins in the end. I'm sure he'd be proud of my efforts.

Definition of a pessimist.

‘An optimist with experience’.

Very true.