So alone

I have suggested counselling and he gets even more angry.
I had a counsellor years ago for a different problem, he came in with me once and got quite argumentative with her,he came our saying she way useless and " she has got me down as a bully"
I sometimes think was she right.
I booked a table to go out for a meal earlier, I booked it for 4pm as I don't like to eat late.He said he doesn't want to go at 4 he wants to go at 6 so ive cancelled it.
This is what its like all of the time.

Have you thought about relationship counselling? (If DH won't go, then you might find this helpful for yourself.) Worth considering, if you are feeling very stressed about this situation. It might be worth seeking a good counsellor who you feel comfortable with? Just an idea.

When was the last time he went out without you?

I agree with David. She should tell him. He may not ring the police but he may alarm other people in the family who would worry.

Doubt he'd start a police search but it might make him think.

kittylester

I would just leave and spend the night at a hotel. Not telling him that you are going or whereto.

Then you both have space to reflect

Thats not a good idea, he might start a police search for you!

By all means have some time apart but tell each other what you are doing.

Is this irritation from him a new thing? Can you avoid being in the car with him?

Nobody talks about this stuff which makes it feel even more lonely.
What is your day to day life like? Have you fallen into patterns of behaviour, for example is there a certain place in the home for these spats. It's easy to get into.
Do you do enjoyable things....have you both got something to talk about and bring to the table?

While the atmosphere is so bad between you maybe you should go away for a few days. Is there someone you could visit or go somewhere where you can reflect?
I agree with others that you need to spend time in the day apart but a complete break may be what you need now.

Men often struggle with retirement. My DH does. He’s always saying he wishes he was still working. It gave structure to his day.
I pretty much have to organise my DH’s life and have accepted it though I find it frustrating. He always says what are we doing today? My Dad was the same once he retired. He just didn’t know what to do with his time.
I agree that it’s a good idea to take yourself off somewhere so you’re not together all the time.

petra

Your husband is on the phone talking about you.
You’re on here talking about him.
6 of one half a dozen of the other.

Letting off steam on an anonymous forum in no way equates to dissing your wife to your daughter.

The latter is entirely wrong.

You need some life of your own to pursue your interests (as does he) and some distance from each other.

Good advice from kitty.
Surely your daughter won’t take sides though………she might think this is simply a relationship spat or might be inclined to suggest you have couples therapy.

Good idea kitty.

I would just leave and spend the night at a hotel. Not telling him that you are going or whereto.

Then you both have space to reflect

Yeah,this is what happens. He gets irritated very easily, almost every time we are in the car he has some kind of issue with other drivers Unfortunately I take the brunt of it. I admit I do then find thing's to criticise him but this really is not in my nature,i am very easy going any tolerant of people on the whole.I would like to discuss our issues together but like I said he tries to make out that only I have a problem. Its starting to make me feel ill now.The atmosphere is terrible at the moment.

Your husband is on the phone talking about you.
You’re on here talking about him.
6 of one half a dozen of the other.

As often we get half the story, bickering takes two, being intolerant of the other half. Shimmers husband recognizes there is a problem but there is no indication what the problem is, just winding each other up.

My guess is you are spending too much time together, but not much common interest, the balance is wrong. Our balance is 3 or 4 days a week we do separate stuff, and no arguments at all. As we get older and less mobile that will change and that is a concern.

Is he going through a belated middle age crisis?, suddenly realising that he is in the last quarter of life?

DH has got very tetchy with everyone since his serious and complicated heart problems developed. I think the tetchiness is part and parcel of his illness, I can shrug it off if it is me, but he does it to other people and I have to keep stepping in when he is getting unduly ratty with other people for no good reason.

Do you find that he criticises you and you then find something to criticise him about? Which is what happened to us when our marriage broke down. If he won’t talk about it could you both, perhaps, write down why you’re both unhappy? It’s very difficult to see things properly when you’re actually in the relationship. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. The strange thing is that I get on really well with my ex husband now and we’re good friends. I can, however,understand why I found him so difficult to live with. He used to talk to a family friend about me and the weird thing is her marriage was the first one in our peer group to end in divorce. Was there a particular event after which things started to go wrong? It’s sohard to understand how you can be so close to someone for so long and then find that they’re almost a stranger. Maybe you both need a few days apart sometimes? My partner was driving me nuts recently ( we don’t live together) but after spending a few days apart a couple of times we now seem to be muddling along quite well again.

Great advice from the last two posters.

Get out and do some things either on your own or with a friend or another family member.

Men are ridiculously dreadful when it comes to discussions around emotions and/or relationships.

Good luck

Shimmer I feel for you both, you're in this circle now of snapping at each other and I do agree with Falling Star. I would try as much as you can, walk away when he has a go at you and take time out. Difficult I know I would find it hard nit to have a go back but you have had more than a lifetime together so know you cannot give up on that. You both need to agree to discuss things and not hide behind being snappy as it will be the norm, not good for anyone.

How much time do you spend together??
It could be that you both need to take some time out to enjoy being without each other, if you have friends and he has friends make sure you each go out solo with said friends, or failing that just go for a walk to a nearby cafe/library/museum etc., treat yourself to a coffee and cake or soft drink, whatever floats your boat. Then when you both come home tell each other about your day. Is good to share something the other doesn’t know about.
But arguing can also be a sign that maybe something isn’t right health wise and one of you is more tetchy due to feeling below par physically or mentally. Nothing wrong with a check with he GP to do bloods and check BP etc.
As for discussing how he feels with your daughter, perhaps he just wants another person’s opinion, and is better her than the next door neighbour, am not sure it indicates he is trying he to get her to take sides, the easiest thing is to ask her.