Long conversations with daughter

I would love my estranged daughter to give me a ring, even to have a rant. Take the good with the bad.

I can well understand that these experiences leave you emotionally drained. While it is good that your daughter feels safe to share her worries with you, this is hardly surprising. And if it happens frequently, it is not good for you.
Sounds like your daughter could sometimes do with a bit of extra support from someone who can help her look at things from a different perspective and give her some coping skills when life gets on top of her.
That's what a good counsellor can do. If she could be persuaded to look into this ( not necessarily by you!) it could make a real difference. If not - as they say, you can't change the behaviour of others,only your own - you might perhaps benefit from the same. You could learn to take a step back ( while not opting out); recognise your own justifiably negative feelings - and best of all, become empowered to manage the situation better. She is lucky to have you. Look after yourself.

My daughter is 38 and this sounds all to familiar! I have now, after this length of time, just basically let her rant and basically say nothing unless prompted. I can't do right for doing wrong. When something goes wrong in her life it's always 'someone else's' fault or someone 'made' her act a certain way because 'they' did something to make her react that way! I'm afraid she will always be like this,not brought up that way as her sister is complete opposite. I do what I need to do for self preservation...we are getting on much better 🤞 not perfect but better. Good luck

I too am against the idea of sending your daughter a letter, no matter how gentle. It feels too formal and I fear whatever you say it will be taken the wrong way. My daughter offloads on me when life is not going her way. When she was contemplating splitting from her partner she would go over and over the issues several times a week in phone calls sometimes two hours long, mostly repeating herself. I found it exhausting and upsetting, but concluded she didnt have any one else to talk to and hopefully I was doing something positive for her even though it didnt feel like it. As DH always says if daughters life is going well we hear nothing from her at all. I just accept it.

It is absolutely exhausting to be on the receiving end of this. I have had it for over thirty years. I am almost 80 and it breaks me. I use a hand held phone and move it away and once my late husband was home unwell and he heard her. He took the phone and listened then said you’re speaking to me and I never want to hear you speak to us like that ever again. It lasted a couple of months then it was back in full swing. It’s degraded our relationship and even when we’re in company I am ignored

A couple of off the wall ideas! Buy a heather in a pot and a get a nice plant pot. Why? Dr Edward Bach (Bach Flower Remedies) says heather helps to cease emotional dependence for self absorbed people. So when your daughter phones look at the heather! Secondly on a more serious note, you have always supported your daughter so the pattern has been set, but that's not to say you can't change it. Allocating less time, letting the call go to the answer phone, arranging for the doorbell to be rung five minutes in. Allow yourself to be distracted, turn your mindset away from dread and into something practical, meaningful doodling (Pinterest for info) Zentangling etc. like I said - off the wall but might help!

If she gets upset by people on a regular basis and needs to vent about it to your detriment it seems that she is lacking in self awareness.
As others have said, I don't think writing her a letter would be a good idea, but I do think that tactfully getting her to reflect on her own part in
these situations would be useful.
I also think that she might benefit from counselling, as you might also. It would be good for you to have someone non- judgemental to decompress to.

I have a daughter who does exactly the same thing. I used to get really upset listening to her. It’s not the fact that she talks to me, which I value, it’s the intensity and repetition. I’ve learned to say things like “ I know you’ll be able to sort this out” and “ I know you’re very able to deal with this well”. She doesn’t want solutions, just an expression of confidence in her. It also relieves my anxiety to believe this.

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

That’s exactly my advice too

Agree with Cossey. Just let her rant and agree. It will let her get it straight in her own head. Remember - we are nothing but a sounding board!!

I can relate, totally, but you’re her safe space and at least you get to know what’s going on in her life. She obviously feels that she can “tell mum”, so be proud that you’re her safety valve, her trusted advice and just listen (albeit with a glass of wine in hand!)

The OP hasn't commented again in a while, so not sure she'll see this, but here goes.
I do know what you're saying. My daughter will also tell me stressful things and my knee jerk reaction is to want to fix it. Also, it's just very stressful -- I feel my blood pressure rise(!). But... I try to do more listening than talking. I definitely do not try to solve her "issues." These moments are part of a much bigger picture. And while I sometimes think that DD tells me too much of the stress, I would never discourage her. These moments will end someday. Someday, I will be very old and maybe sick, and DD will treat me with kid gloves. For now, I want all of what she gives to our relationship.