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My daughter and my partner

(39 Posts)
cassy Wed 04-Sep-19 17:45:09

I had a recent upset with my partner and confided in my daughter about what happened. I have since worked really hard with my partner and we are making a go of it, and it has taken 3 months. But, my daughter is still very scathing about him and doesn't really want to see him - her partner is the same. They keep bringing up instances and saying 'they can't forgive him'.
This breaks my heart and I feel so torn between all of them. I have said that we are trying to make a go of the relationship, but she is still huffy about him.

How can I repair this? I wish I had never said anything, but I didn't want to hide anything from them.

Any advice kind people?

Ilovecheese Wed 04-Sep-19 17:53:56

You could tell your daughter that she doesn't have to forgive him, but that her behaviour is making you unhappy.

You don't have to be torn between them, surely she and her husband are not suggesting that you have to choose. If she and her husband bring up an instance you say "yes, you have told me how you feel about that, I feel differently now" or something similar.

Give her time and if you and your partner continue to make a go of it, she will come round. (and next time there are problems confide in a friend, not your daughter)

janeainsworth Wed 04-Sep-19 17:56:34

Oh dear. It's not really your DD's prerogative to be huffy about your partner. Unless there's a really strong reason to dislike someone's partner, I think we should accept people faults and all.

On the other hand, you can't force your D to actually like him.

I think you have to steer a neutral course for a while, don't try to bring them together, don't mention your partner to your D, don't get angry or defensive and give it time to settle.

Good luck.

Luckygirl Wed 04-Sep-19 17:57:50

Oh lord - how hard for you. There is a rule that I stick to and that is not to discuss relationship problems with family, nor enter into such discussions if they want to talk to me about them.

I have been in a position where one AC was heavily critical of their partner for a while - I just nodded my head and made non-committal grunts - how glad I am that I did, as hey are now very happy together.

I think when they bring these things up you just need to say: "I really appreciate your concern for my well-being, but need to reassure you that we have overcome our problems and all is well now."

cassy Wed 04-Sep-19 18:03:53

To be honest, she has never liked any of my partners, even from a teenager. I have even split up with one because she was due to start a new school, and I didn't want her to go down the wrong path. She is extremely judgemental yet she doesn't make the right choices, and I never say anything to her. So this is just par for the course Im afraid

Namsnanny Wed 04-Sep-19 18:09:43

My first thought was well you included her (nothing wrong with that per sa) in your business.
She's bound to have her own opinion.

She probably has your interests at heart, so don't alienate her if you can help it.

You say you feel torn between all of them. Does this mean your partner is aware of what you told your daughter, and her feelings about it?

If so, do not discuss the whys and wherefores with him now, keep everything even.

See her by yourself for a while. Give her time to re adjust to the situation.

notanan2 Wed 04-Sep-19 18:10:43

You cant "offload" to someone then expect them to not take on any of those feelings.

If you moan to her about your partners she will see them in that light so I guess you will have to work on balancing the moans with good news or she will continue to dislike your partners on your behalf

cassy Wed 04-Sep-19 18:15:21

Yes Namsnanny he is aware and says he will talk to her calmly, and no, I dont want to alienate her. I want her to be nice and civil to him, like I am to her partner when he is an arse. I hate the 'I am much better then you' Attitude, it just makes me sad

notanan2 Wed 04-Sep-19 18:26:03

It seems like you moan to your daughter about your husband, then moan to your husband about your daughter, then wonder why they dont get on!

You are not stuck in the middle
You are sticking your daughter in the middle of your husband issues
Then getting your husband to wade in and speak to your daughter when you have daughter issues.

cassy Wed 04-Sep-19 18:39:57

Thank you notanan2 It sounds like I moan to everyone doesn't it? I don't moan to my partner, I discuss issues with him, it's very calm, not shouty. I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues if everyone is to get on, and he is willing to do this. I appreciate the advice, I know I should have not said anything, but after a fairly mentally draining relationship in the past, I don't wish to hide things from anyone

Summerlove Wed 04-Sep-19 18:50:23

The only thing to do is wait it out.

You can’t unring the bell of oversharing, and your daughter is allowed to have her feelings

notanan2 Wed 04-Sep-19 19:29:57

I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues if everyone is to get on

I think thats a terrible idea.
I think you created the issue by offloading to her and you should fix it.
Sending him in to tell her to play nice may make things far worse if they already arent close!

fizzers Wed 04-Sep-19 21:44:57

If a person offloads to a family member or a close friend about what their partner has done, then that person you have told is definitely going to be against that partner, regardless of whether things have been sorted out or not.

No one like to see their relative or friend getting hurt, I used to get very angry when my one of my friends used to run to me with tales of he's done this or done that, in the end I had to tell her to stop telling me things if she didn't want me to take sides and form an opinion

paddyann Thu 05-Sep-19 00:56:59

Involving your children in relationship problems should be written in the guide on how not to parent.Its bad enough talking to sisters or cousins but your children should never be put in the position of hearing what a b----rd your OH is and then see you go back to him.Thats horrible for her to watch and not a great example of how a relationship works .Let him treat you badly and go back to him? How would you have felt if it was YOUR mother ?

whywhywhy Thu 05-Sep-19 01:00:49

This is the reason why I never confide in any of my 3 kids about my husband or past partners now. I have told them stuff in the past and they end up hating them so much that it can never be undone. I know what you are going through and even though it might be tough then just don't confide in them again. Hopefully they might come around in time, but I wouldn't count on it. If you want to have a moan about them then do it on this wonderful site and we will listen and make comments but relatives or friends are just a no no. Take care and I hope things get better for you. Take care.

FarNorth Thu 05-Sep-19 01:09:22

I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues

He doesn't.
That could just seem like more dumping of 'parent stuff' onto your DD.

Tell her you're sorry you told her things while you were upset, you've made it up with your partner now, and ask her how you can all improve the situation.

Jillybird Thu 05-Sep-19 10:25:35

I guess I'm really lucky that I can confide in No. 2 son and get exactly what I need from him without him being huffy with my partner the next time they meet. I wouldn't dare do that with No. 1 son who would be over protective, tell me to get rid and generally try to "sort things out" which is what a lot of people do. Your daughter sounds like my No. 1 son, so best heed the advice of those above. Next time, use a trusted friend, or even pay for a counselling session or two. There's never any comeback from professionals...

TrendyNannie6 Thu 05-Sep-19 10:30:41

Sadly if you tell ppl they are always going to see that side of them, I wouldn’t personally involved my daughter in it,I feel for you and hope she n her partner come round and I wish you all the best

grandtanteJE65 Thu 05-Sep-19 10:34:01

The only thing you can do is to explain to your daughter that although whatever it was your partner did that you confided to her was hurtful, you and he are sorting things out.

She may not like him, but for your sake she should try to be polite about and to him, and that any scathing comments she feels the need to make about him, should be addressed to her partner when neither you nor your partner are present.

If she were my daughter I would be sorely tempted to tell her that she need not expect any more confidences, but it is probably better not to say that.

jaylucy Thu 05-Sep-19 11:23:26

It sounds as if you daughter needs to grow up, pull her head in and get on with her own life!
Sorry, but this person has ruled your life and affected all of your relationships for so long that she doesn't know when to stop.
There are some people that you should not discuss your relationship problems with and with her history, your daughter is one of them.
The fact that you and your partner are trying hard to make a go of things, to me , means she should be supporting you both and not trying to get in between you like she obviously is trying to be. It isn't up to your partner to speak to her - if he did, I doubt if she would listen.
Please sit down and tell her that you are sorry that you offloaded on her, but you and your partner are getting on a lot better and looking to a future together , so you would appreciate it if she could support you both by being at the very least ,polite. This will no doubt end up with her stomping off, but it is your life, not hers and you are entitled to be happy.
If worse comes to worse and it ends,and I sincerely hope it won't, you have obviously picked yourself up before, and will do again

icanhandthemback Thu 05-Sep-19 11:54:42

Cassy, without knowing what the upset with your partner is, it is difficult to know whether your daughter is being over protective or not. If there was violence or abuse involved, I could understand her being worried. Similarly if there was a third party or financial shenanigans involved, I think she would be within her rights to worry. However, if it is just within the normal range of upsets couples go through, I would calmly ask her and her husband to accept your decision to attempt to work things out. Tell them you appreciate their loyalty to you but would appeal to them to be civil even if they can't be warm.
My sister has similar problems with her adult children but from where I'm standing I can see that they know just how badly her judgement is skewed when it comes to relationships which impacted upon them as children quite significantly, so they have learned to be more wary than she is.

Jo1960 Thu 05-Sep-19 15:19:12

Hi, some of the advice given to Cassie worries me a bit. Lots of people don't have anyone but a family member to offload to; although this might not be the ideal, it's often better than holding stuff in and becoming overwhelmed. Although it's possible to offload in spaces like this, it's sometimes difficult to explain when the parties are unknown.

I'm also rather concerned that others have shut down their friends and family when they've tried to talk about a relationship. Having worked with survivors of abuse for most of my working life, one of the things that stop abused people telling others what's going on is their initial reception. They will speak about a lesser "offence" to "test" the waters; being shut down could stop them seeking help and prolong their abuse.

EmilyHarburn Thu 05-Sep-19 17:23:06

Discontent in an intimate relationship is a private matter and it is very unwise to disclose it to anyone in the family as then this starts emotional ripples all round. As someone has said on this thread, this is what a good friend is for.
However if it is beyond a good friends purview then go to a marriage relationship counsellor.

Keep a journal or diary for private thoughts so that you can review things your self. Telling relatives your problems is not helpful. These are matters to be kept private or revealed in suitable situations.

When you have made a decision about a relationship; if for example you wish to split up and your partner has agreed, at that point it is necessary to advise family members of your decision.

You want any emotional upset to leave as few emotional ripples in your family as possible.

there is some good advice on this thread as to how to help heal the matter and resolve it.

hopeful1 Thu 05-Sep-19 17:54:57

I have over shared with my daughter too, now because I am back with my partner she and the rest of the family wont speak to me at all. Wish I had kept my mouth shut. I try to speak to her and everyone else but they have agreed a wall of silence until I dump him! Its got to the point that even if I did do what they request the damage between us all is too great. This has been ongoing for 9 months.

notanan2 Thu 05-Sep-19 18:02:13

Hi, some of the advice given to Cassie worries me a bit. Lots of people don't have anyone but a family member to offload to

You miss understand.
Some people only confide when there is a problem.
The confidant will think that problem is ongoing unless they hear otherwise.

People like that dont tell you about the resolutions, only the acute arguements, so all you hear is the awful bits!

When their relationship is good, they dont "offload" so their friends and family dont know that its 20% bad 80% good. From their perspective its 100% bad !