Am I right to put up with all of this?

I don't think this is a healthy relationship and I think you should think about getting out of it and try and enjoy your future life without him in it.
He is unlikely to change after this amount of time but you could suggest going to Realate together and see what happens.
If he won't go you can go by yourself and get advice from them without him being there.
Take care x

No, you’re not right to put up with this. You are in an abusive relationship, and it must be horrendously stressful. . Contact Women’s Aid, who have a section on abuse. www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Thank you Dec46. TBH I think I attract bad behaviour from people. I am polite, quiet, observant, well behaved and respect people and their opinions. My step daughter once asked me why was I so polite?!? It is probable that because of my personality, people think they can walk all over me. I have suffered it from my husband’s sister and one of my husband’s friends. I wouldn’t even dream of giving them the same treatment. ?

Why on earth are you tolerating this boorish behaviour?

This sounds truly horrible, I can’t imagine how you’ve put up with it, but I really think you should get out.

Please don’t waste any more of your life in this dreadful man.

Actually, to answer the question you posed in the OP, NO!

Thank you Dec46. TBH I think I attract bad behaviour from people. I am polite, quiet, observant, well behaved and respect people and their opinions

I believe it is very common for victims of domestic abuse to feel (or be made to feel) that they are somehow responsible for the actions of others. “Look at what you made me do” is a common response from the abusive partner, whether drunk or just a bully by nature. You cannot be held responsible for some body else’s bullying behaviour.
You are in an abusive relationship - please get out and get help (see Suedonim ‘s post)

In answer to you Phoenix - he is the archetypal charmer to everyone but me. I haven’t confided in anyone because they wouldn’t believe me! His pals and my pals are all charmed by him. They think he is great.
I am 65. No state pension yet! Don’t know what to do for the best. I can’t see him caring for me in old age as I’ve cared for him through a few serious health episodes.

Get legal advice - and get help. Please.

You are right MawB. He has often taken this tack with me.

I'm not surprised you're confused, he likes keeping on edge doesn't he
It is abuse, and his friends and family take their lead from him in how to treat you. They see how he is and that's why they feel they can treat you badly as well.
I've often had to 'politely' tell some people that they shouldn't mistake politeness for weakness, you need to remind yourself of that as well.
If he has been like this for 15 years he isn't going to change, if he treats your parents badly at this vulnerable stage of their lives ask yourself what will he be like when you are as vulnerable ?
You need to get some good practical legal advice without him being aware of it until you have decided what and how you are going to change.
You need a plan, you need some good friends or family for support because you will need it.

You should not put up with this abusive behaviour. He sounds awful, bad tempered, uncaring, selfish, playing mind games and bullying.
Life as a single person is preferable, freeing and fulfilling. I would not want your mental or physical health affected by this dysfunctional relationship but I fear it will.
What to do for the best? Tell him the marriage is over. At 65 there is a lot of living to be done. He doesn't care about anyone and never will. Do not let him walk over you and destroy your life.
Tell him to leave off with the verbal and emotional abuse of your elderly parents, before you tell him to leave. Vile man.

Dear Londonwifi, please don't take the blame on yourself by saying you are too polite etc. he is a nasty ,controlling bully and unfortunately people like him can often seem wonderful when putting up an act like he is.
Don't condemn yourself to a life like this.You aren't too old to start again and enjoy the rest of your life in peace.
Age Uk, Citizens Advice,Womens Aid may be able to offer practical advice to help you move forward.
He probably thinks you are trapped by being financially dependent on him but you need to find strength to get away from him as soon as possible.
Make plans and look forward to life.

Thanks PamGeo. My reluctance to do anything probably stems from the fact that I have no one for support. No one. My only sibling (whom I was close to passed away aged 36), my parents no longer have the capacity to speak or understand, they didn’t really support me when I asked for help when I was frightened of my husband once before. They just said, “Keep an eye on it,” and ,”My father used to throw things but he didn’t hurt anyone!” My parents come from an age when it was more acceptable to behave like that within a marriage!
I certainly would not bother my son with this as he is only 28 and lives with his girlfriend. All my husband’s abusive behaviour is done in private. I would be seen as the bad person by everyone for sure.

I certainly would not bother my son with this as he is only 28 and lives with his girlfriend. All my husband’s abusive behaviour is done in private. I would be seen as the bad person by everyone for sure

I repeat, get help, get out.
Please. .

Me again! One first step I would suggest is to try and build a new social circle which doesn't revolve around him.Try U3A ,WI or other activities which will mean you don't feel so cut off from support and can begin to feel less afraid of your future without him.
It can be done and will make you feel so much better than you do now. x

Thank you Dec46. You are right. I know you are. I will have to plan and it will all take time. It will be difficult trying to keep him from suspecting something is up I’m sure.
I so don’t want to be alone but I can’t see any other way unless I confide in his best friend who seems approachable, he is a homeopath, he might have some suggestions.

No, you shouldn't put up with that. Does he drink, take drugs, or have a mental problem? If any of those apply, HE needs to admit that he needs help, and HE needs to sort it out.

I wouldn't live with someone like that. Your life must be miserable, not knowing if and when his unpredictable and nasty behaviour will start up again. Get some peace and normality in your life and start by getting rid of him or leaving. Tha's what I'd do, anyway.

Follow the advice about Citizens Advice , Age Uk and Women's Aid, they have heard it and seen it all before unfortunately so are best placed to helping you.
You are only 65, 65 is not old these days but another 10 years of this and you will be old.
This isn't about your parents marriage, it's about you and yours.
It's not right, it's not ok, it's not healthy, it's not making you happy at all.
When you are living on your own, can I suggest you join some groups or activities where you will develop your own interests and hobbies. Anything, even a choir if you can sing a bit, just something for yourself and your self esteem.

What does it matter what 'everyone'. thinks? How do you know that everyone would think you are a bad person? Nobody knows what is going on in other peoples marriages. For all you know some of the happiest couples in your circle, may have the same problems you have. Anyway you say you have been abused by your husband's sister and some of his friends. They know he treats you like a dog and feel they can to.

You are acting like the classic abused woman, so brainwashed by your abuser that you come out with excuse after excuse as to why you do not leave him. You are on your own, but poster after poster has told you to go to Women's Aid, where there will be support for you. Every time someone comes up with a solution to each problem, you promptly think up another one.

Why can you not bother your son? Is that something else your partner has taught you? A 28 year old man is a fully formed mature adult and girlfriends/wives, even children are very common among men of that age, but most of them, despite these 'handicaps' would leap to their mother's defence in every way, if they knew she was being treated as you are.

Tomrrow visit Citizen's Advice, get help and directions from them on your legal rights in this case and where you can look for help.

You obviously have access to the internet, google 'help for women being abused by their partners'. There is a link further up post to just such a site.

Do not just come on GN and moan. Listen to the good advice you have been given on this site and act on it.

Please don't confide in his friend !

You said everyone thinks he's charming and no one sees the other side to him. His friend is part of that side of him, he will remain loyal to his friend, don't expect support and you won't be disappointed.

Politeness is not a weakness to be exploited, it's just a quality that some people don't possess. Get your strength from within, it's already there and you won't let yourself down.

Talk to qualified impartial people for help.

Some great advise already given. Please don't speak to his friend, I would be worried for your safety

Thanks PamGeo. X

PamGeo and nanaK54 - You’ve just made me realise it wouldn’t be wise to speak to his friend. They might talk and it could have bad consequences for me. Thank you. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this.