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(128 Posts)
Marketkat Mon 10-Aug-20 18:29:28

Has anybody heard of “ghosting“ or had it happen to them. I googled my friend is ignoring me. Ghosting came up as a thing, this has happened to a lot of people. Basically my friend of over 20 years has disappeared from my life, we don’t live close to each other But would visit each other often. I had a big tragedy in my life, that I posted in the bereavement section. Although initially supportive, I don’t hear from this person anymore despite my efforts, I get no replies or any communication. I’m worried about posting, but I’m genuinely interested to know what people think. Thanks for any replies.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 18:55:19

My fiance ghosted me.
Just wouldn't answer phone calls or texts, and I never saw him again.

I was in the midst of incredibly difficult times, which he knew, because he was with my family and helped us through some terrible, dark times.

I think, in the end though, it was too much for him, so he took the easiest route out.

Illte Mon 10-Aug-20 19:07:34

After my husband died I ghosted his best friend and his wife.
When they heard he had a terminal illness they didnt want to see him. The friend said "I can't hack this"

My husband would ask if the friend had phoned and I would lie and say he had been asleep or that they had gone away for a month to Australia.

After he died they did phone, left a d sent Christmas cards. I never answered the phone or contacted them in any way.
I was angry so thought it best to just ignore them and not give way to what I really wanted to say.

If I met them now, twenty years later, I know I couldn't even be polite.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 19:11:07

I know that really hurts; it's something I still struggle with, after being bereaved.

Illte Mon 10-Aug-20 19:16:13

I have no idea why "wrote and" turned into left a d". Possibly because I felt all stirred up again.


H1954 Mon 10-Aug-20 19:22:13

I'm a charity volunteer, one of our organisers had to cancel some events due to the pandemic but suddenly this person couldn't cope with all the administration involved even though it was their responsibility. I had no choice but to pick up the slack but it still meant contacting this person in a regular basis. They ignored my contact attempts and left me to cope with all the sorting out. I had a dreadful job over many weeks and this person is now saying that the project has made them ill! They've done bugger all in sorting out the flaming mess! Guess who will be ignoring emails and phone calls for a while????

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 19:28:07

It's a really interesting subject, I think.
It's awful not knowing why somebody disappears, but I suspect some aren't even sure why themselves.

Illte Mon 10-Aug-20 19:55:51

Regardless of what I posted above, it's actually quite hard to say "I don't really like you all that much" to someone who seems to like you. 😬

GagaJo Mon 10-Aug-20 21:03:51

I don't know if it counts as ghosting or not, but when I split up with my ex, I ended it firmly and then refused to have any further contact. I had explained my reasons in my initial 'We're over' statement and didn't want to discuss it further.

After a couple of months of ongoing harassment/contact from ex, I gave in and sent an explanatory email, which just resulted in a stepping up of the ex contacting me. So I NEVER contacted them again. Every now and then, I'd get another message (despite changing my phone number & email, moving house) but I always ignored them.

SueDonim Mon 10-Aug-20 22:23:37

I think Gagajo has it spot-on. The flip side of ghosting is harassment, depending on which side you're on.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 22:27:24

No, that's going no contact.
See, I know all the phrases.

I actually blocked the person who ghosted me to ensure we never stepped back onto the merry-go-round again.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 22:31:04

I think I was very civilised when I was ghosted.
A few texts, a couple of quite frantic phone calls, and then I left him alone.
He left me a hell of a mess to clear up, which i did.
Not too much fuss, really, after 6 years together.

Marketkat Mon 10-Aug-20 23:18:47

I don’t blame for you for ignoring somebody who has been horrible to you, however, I have no explanation from the person, I don’t believe I did anything wrong, I would just rather know than to be left wondering why.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 23:22:14

How long has it been since you've heard from her?
Is it possible that she may have been having health problems, or family issues, enough that she has just let things slide?

Urmstongran Mon 10-Aug-20 23:27:21

I was ghosted by a work colleague whom I had regarded as a friend for over 20 years.

It hurt me terribly. I was so upset. I tried ringing her, emailing her work address etc to no avail. It devastated me. It got under my skin totally. Worrying why it had happened. I wasn’t able to put it to bed for months. I even bluddy dreamt about her/the situation!

Then a mutual friend hit the nail on the head when she said ‘you have to accept the fact that this friendship meant more to you than it did to her’.

It was a lightbulb moment for me and I finally moved on.

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 23:33:37

I think it stirs up so many emotions, and for me, I was so embarrassed.
"There's no fool like an old fool" kept going through my head.

Chewbacca Mon 10-Aug-20 23:40:10

It's a cowardly wait out imo. If something has happened; something said that has upset them a lot, why not be mature enough to say so? Even if it's just something like "You've hurt and upset me so much and I will not be able get past it, I think it's best if we didn't see each other"? But maybe, for some people, they just can't articulate, or are mature enough, to be able to say what they need to say and find it easier to close off and walk away in a huff.

Chewbacca Mon 10-Aug-20 23:41:05

His loss MissA. flowers

MissAdventure Mon 10-Aug-20 23:43:57

Ah, thank you.
Yes, it is cowardly.
Then I think of all the times I'm too afraid to tell someone something, and I sort of 'get it'.

Chewbacca Mon 10-Aug-20 23:52:05

I find shouting "You can bog off", usually gets the message across! It's hardly Shakespeare but it's better than leaving them in the lurch, scratching their heads and wondering what happened.

Marketkat Tue 11-Aug-20 00:47:42

It’s been about 10 months since I last heard from her, if she was ill I would surely know. Anyway, I take your points, I’ve let it go now, I won’t be making any more attempts at contact. I just think she might be unhappy, it’s just not a good way to end things. I’ve suffered far worse. Thank you all. 🙏

rosecarmel Tue 11-Aug-20 02:31:48

I think ghosting is when a person hasn't a clue why someone suddenly bails out of their life with no explanation whatsoever-

I do think it's cruel- But accept that it happens from time to time, that people feign friendliness and then for some unknown reason >poof< disappear-

FarNorth Tue 11-Aug-20 03:08:18

Gagajo, yours was not ghosting because you told the person you wanted no more contact.
Ghosting is when there's nothing said but contact just stops.

It's upsetting to be ghosted but it is unlikely to be your fault.
There could be any number of reasons the person doesn't respond to you any more.

Urmstongran Tue 11-Aug-20 07:42:56

That’s made me feel better thank you FarNorth. Other work colleagues used to think she was a bit odd and some steered clear of meaningful conversations but in 20 years of sharing an office I used to enjoy her quirky humour - but admit she could be ‘high maintenance’ at times. It certainly was strange behaviour.

I hadn’t heard of the term ‘ghosting’ when it happened five years ago. Since then I’ve looked it up of course.

It’s a horrid thing to do to someone. It unsettled me for months questioning my behaviour. Meanwhile she was probably quite unperturbed going about her business.

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 11-Aug-20 08:45:32

I first came across the term in relation to online friendships/relationships. These can be quite lengthy or intense and one person just suddenly disappears. It's often not due to illness etc but just for whatever reason they dont want to continue the relationship/ friendship.
It happened to me. I communicated with someone from USA on daily basis, a modern pen pal relationship I suppose! We even spoke on the phone. One day everything just stopped and there were no replies to any of my messages. From looking at their social media they were still alive! It was sad as it was ,or seemed to be a nice friendship. I suppose that is the nature of online life. On gransnet for example we may be familiar with names and chat away but if someone should disappear we may not have any details of their non virtual life. It can of course have a much darker side with people having multiple online identities and dating scams etc although I think these are much more widely publicised now.
So yes,ghosting was originally an online term for individuals who choose to cut off all communication suddenly. Another term is breadcrumbing where someone seems incredibly keen but then disappear or just keep communicating enough to keep someone hanging on! Again its mainly associated with online dating. It's a funny old world isnt it? I suppose certainly online you just have to be aware things are not always what they seem. For those that are that way inclined its possible to be whoever's they want to be without the accountability of real life situations!