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Dating a widower with adult children

(111 Posts)
1Nana2025 Sat 15-Jan-22 05:10:08

I’ve been dating a widower for 9 months. We’ve had a pretty easy going relationship. Except for his adult sons and their wives. They have been horrible towards me. Saying I’m a gold digger. I think I always thought we’d work through it, but they continue to lie and upset their dad. He broke it off with me yesterday. Hard to see a 60 year old man cry so hard. I’m devastated. I know only he can fix it but they threaten him with estrangement and he just can’t handle the stress.
His wife was killed in a tragic accident in front of him and one son. I’m at a loss as to why the family thinks he deserves more heartache.

Humbertbear Sat 15-Jan-22 08:02:32

I am very sorry for you. the family are being very selfish indeed. They should be pleased for their dad. It is possible for him to make arrangements so that they still get what they consider to be their fair share. I hope this can come to a happier conclusion and I wish you well.

mrsgreenfingers56 Sat 15-Jan-22 08:11:17

Dear me how very sad, his adult children should be pleased he has someone in his life and be happy for him. Some years after my father died my mother met a gentleman later on in life and her friend asked me if I was OK with their friendship.
Of course why wouldn't I be and it is a blessing at they are well advanced in years.

I am sorry you have had such a reaction from his children and very immature of them to behave in such a way. There doesn't seem to be an answer to this and my thoughts are with you.

silverlining48 Sat 15-Jan-22 08:51:26

Not saying this is the case but sometimes AC in these situations are concerned about inheritance.
It happened in our extended family and caused a lot of upset.

sodapop Sat 15-Jan-22 09:00:50

It probably is true though silverlining what a selfish family. Sadly its probably best you don't continue with this relationship Inana2025 it would only bring more unhappiness

notgran Sat 15-Jan-22 09:05:23

sodapop

It probably is true though silverlining what a selfish family. Sadly its probably best you don't continue with this relationship Inana2025 it would only bring more unhappiness

I agree with sodapop. Who needs all that stress, drama and hate in their life? Nobody. Walk away and live a lovely life without such toxic behaviour. They are not your family or your relations so you can do it with no feeling of guilt. He needs to find someone else who the family respond better towards, it clearly isn't meant to be.

glammanana Sat 15-Jan-22 09:08:33

How sad for you both do you know why they disapprove at all you would expect them to be happy their father had met a partner.
Do they think their relationship with their father will change in some way or as silverlining48 has posted is it to do with inheritance at a later date.

Grandmabatty Sat 15-Jan-22 09:09:36

How long has he been a widower? That might explain their over reaction. Perhaps they feel he's moving on too quickly.

Curlywhirly Sat 15-Jan-22 09:10:34

Sad though it is, if their worry is their inheritance, why doesn't the father make a Will in their favour, and show his children that they have nothing to worry about. He should let them know that you are in favour of the Will too. Surely that would reassure his children that you are certainly not a gold-digger.

Lilypops Sat 15-Jan-22 09:10:45

Imanana2025, How sad that you are in this situation with your man friend , His children should be happy he has someone in his later years, they should see that it takes the efforts off them to keep him company ,
Can you possibly arrange a meeting with his family, explain how you feel about their Dad, that you aren’t a gold digger, you have your own money, suggest he draws up his will with their inheritance in it so they can’t accuse you of being a gold digger,
He obviously has feelings for you. , I can’t understand why his family would want to see their Dad upset ,
Good Luck , it needs careful handling but I really hope it works out for you both ,

eazybee Sat 15-Jan-22 09:55:53

A very sad situation, but if his adult, independent children are able to wield so much influence over him I doubt if your relationship would ever be a happy one.

NanaAng14 Sat 15-Jan-22 10:51:36

5yrs after my husband died I met a widower and we enjoyed walking, meals out,theatre, orchestra and after about a year decided to live together.My family were fine.
His family weren't happy and thought I was after his money.
They were worried about their inheritance and after he sold his house, he gave them their share.
I wrote a letter to them to say that very sadly my husband had left me fairly well off and I did not need anyone else's money.
I always pay my share , and indeed sometimes pay for surprise outings myself.
The daughter goes out if her wants be nice to me now , but son doesn't really speak.
I've been through enough heartache , to worry about what he thinks.
Enjoying what you can , beats being lonely .

NanaAng14 Sat 15-Jan-22 10:54:15

Sorry , supposed to read daughter goes out of her way to be nice to me now.
Should have read through properly ,before posting .

Nonogran Sat 15-Jan-22 11:12:43

If he is recently widowed maybe his kids think it’s too soon. He sounds a bit too weak to face up to his children so would rather abandon you than them. Fair enough.
I think you’ve missed a bullet here and might find yourself glad, in the long run, that it just wasn’t meant to be. Step children are powerful and can cause untold unhappiness.

Hithere Sat 15-Jan-22 12:19:42

I agree with nonogran.

Elizabeth27 Sat 15-Jan-22 13:03:55

Why do they think you are after their father's money? Do you pay your way?

If you find yourselves back in a relationship you both need to speak to the offspring together to set their minds at rest.

Adult children are not always worried about their inheritance but do not want their father taken advantage of.

Ilovecheese Sat 15-Jan-22 14:12:57

I feel sorry for him but I think you are well out of it.

1Nana2025 Sun 16-Jan-22 05:02:48

Yes, it’s their inheritance they are concerned with. They are certainly not concerned with his happiness.
He’s going to see an attorney to get his estate into a trust, and he’s hoping that will calm them down. Since we’re only dating, I’m not sure how they think I can take anything.
I’ve asked to get a sit down with them, they refuse.
We started dating 8 months after her passing.
I used to work different jobs for the entire family. They treated me like family.
Until I started dating their dad.
Yes, they have undo influence over him. And they threaten him with not seeing his grandchildren.
I understand that it’s hard for them to see their dad with someone new. I don’t need to be around them, but we can’t even go out to dinner in our small town.

Knittingnovice Sun 16-Jan-22 06:13:05

I'm so sorry 1nana2025.

I'm so sad they treated you like family, they clearly like you. It sounds like they area still grieving for their Mum. It's so sad they aren't thinking about your partners happiness.

I'm sad for your partner too. To be a good parent and family take advantage of him and not care about his feelings.

That's awful using grandchildren as manipulation. Awful.

I really hope the family come to their senses and let their Dad be happy.

I'm not very good with words but I feel your pain. It's so sad. Why can't they be hqppyfor their Dad?

Mrsluckhurst Sun 16-Jan-22 09:40:03

8 months! I'm not surprised his children are upset! They are still grieving and he has just replaced their mum! I suspect this is about far more than money, especially if one of the sons witnessed his mum's accident. How very thoughtless of you both.

Grandmabatty Sun 16-Jan-22 10:27:22

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

Pammie1 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:30:10

1Nana2025

I’ve been dating a widower for 9 months. We’ve had a pretty easy going relationship. Except for his adult sons and their wives. They have been horrible towards me. Saying I’m a gold digger. I think I always thought we’d work through it, but they continue to lie and upset their dad. He broke it off with me yesterday. Hard to see a 60 year old man cry so hard. I’m devastated. I know only he can fix it but they threaten him with estrangement and he just can’t handle the stress.
His wife was killed in a tragic accident in front of him and one son. I’m at a loss as to why the family thinks he deserves more heartache.

Oh I feel for you, I really do. You don’t say how long ago he lost his wife, or whether his family have met you. That may or may not have some relevance, as they may be making a lot of assumptions about the type of person you are, and whether or not he is ready for a new relationship.

My own experience was similar except that it was my own friends and family who objected when I took up with my now partner after my husband died.

I was very happily married to my husband for nearly 40 years. Eight hellish months after he died, I met my partner quite by chance in a hospital waiting room and we got talking. I was nowhere near ready for a relationship but we recognised that there was something there, so we emailed and talked on the phone for a while and became friends over time. Then when we decided to take things further, I started to tell people about us. Two people I counted among my closest friends, and one family member said the most awful things to and about me, how it was too soon to be ‘dating’ and how disrespectful I was being to my husbands’ memory - you get the idea. At one point I found myself actually apologising - it was that bad !! Interestingly, my husbands’ family were very supportive.

I talked about it with my partner and after a lot of thought, I decided that after what I had been through, I had no room in my life for people who couldn’t support me, so I thanked them for their concern and reminded them that I’m an adult and quite capable of making my own life decisions. I gave them a choice - either accept that my partner and I are together, or regrettably it would be best to leave me to get on with my life in my own way. I haven’t heard from them again from that day to this. I know it’s a different situation because your partner is meeting opposition from his own children - very difficult. But if you’re as invested in this relationship as you appear - and it’s obvious that your partner is judging by how upset he was at having to end it - then would it be feasible to meet up with him again to discuss possible options ? His family all have their own partners and their own lives. They don’t go home to an empty house and live a loveless life, so why are they condemning him to that kind of existence now that you’ve found each other - we’re lucky to find love once, never mind twice.

To be cynical for a moment, I think the accusation of being a gold digger’ will probably be levelled at any woman who comes anywhere near him, and if he’s quite well off you have to wonder whether that’s more about protecting their perceived inheritance if he remarries. At the of 60 you both potentially have a lot of life in front of you, and you deserve some happiness, so if money is at the root of their hostility, that’s disgusting.

I would ask to meet with him and have a conversation about what you both would want out of an ongoing relationship, and if you find you both want to continue then it’s time to have a discussion with his family about the reasons for their hostility. If you’re to have any future together then he has to make it clear to his family that he doesn’t intend to be dictated to when it comes to life decisions. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions and mistakes without this unpleasant interference. It sounds to me as though they have his money more at heart than his happiness. Does he really want to give you up and let his family rule him with one eye on their inheritance, if so he’s going to end up old and lonely. I wish you luck.

GagaJo Sun 16-Jan-22 10:32:55

Grandmabatty

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

Yes. I had a friend who did this several months after his wife died. There was a quiet withdrawing of most of the friends he had who were also friends with his wife or with him and his wife as a couple. People that had supported him during and after her death gradually cut off contact with him.

Fortunately, he came to his senses after a couple of months, realised it was far to soon and ended the relatioship. Now, 8 years on, he is engaged to and living with a lovely lady. Much healthier and everyone is very happy for him.

Pammie1 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:49:56

Mrsluckhurst

8 months! I'm not surprised his children are upset! They are still grieving and he has just replaced their mum! I suspect this is about far more than money, especially if one of the sons witnessed his mum's accident. How very thoughtless of you both.

What a crass and insensitive post. You don’t ‘replace’ anyone. And it’s not the OP or her partner who are thoughtless, it’s his children, who all have their own partners, their own full lives and aren’t the ones living a loveless life and going home to an empty house. I met the man who is now my partner 8 months after my husband of 40 years passed away. I wasn’t nearly ready for a relationship but he persuaded me to give him my email details and we became good friends long before starting a relationship. I was still grieving and my partner helped me get through it with endless patience.

Losing a life partner changes you and unless you’ve been through it, you can’t begin to imagine the devastation - you don’t just lose your partner, you lose your whole way of life There is no ‘right time’ to start another relationship, everyone is different. You don’t suddenly stop grieving and it’s most certainly not about ‘replacing’ anyone. My partner could never replace my late husband and if I had thought that was what I was doing, I would have broken it off.

If money wasn’t at the root of their objections, why is the OP being called a ‘gold digger’ ? Her partners’ family are condemning him to a lonely life by projecting their own opinions onto him and making life difficult. That would be enough at the very start of the relationship but to still be piling on the pressure 9 months later to the point where he felt compelled to end a relationship which clearly made him happy is just cruel in my opinion.

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:56:11

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best