Gransnet forums


How to let go of my adult children

(149 Posts)
This2willpass Sun 15-May-22 11:16:06

That’s it really. I recognise that I need to let my adult children make their own decisions in life rather than me trying to persuade to take my decisions. Finding it so so hard not to interfere.

JaneJudge Sun 15-May-22 11:18:26

How old are they?

I don't think it is very easy to be honest. We know the mistakes we made ourselves, so it only natural we want to guide our own children. It is a tricky one isn't it? Caring but staying quiet. Sometimes impossible smile

dogsmother Sun 15-May-22 12:04:06

Ah, I’m forever suggesting what they should be doing about things here…. All of them are responsible home owning doing their own thing, fully paid up members of the grown ups club…..but still my children. It’s so tricky. You just have to trust them, mine just all look at me now, and smile. I think they get it, that some things probably won’t ever change.

Elizabeth27 Sun 15-May-22 12:17:16

My daughter is more intelligent and more successful than I ever was, so I stopped telling her what to do a very long time ago.

Urmstongran Sun 15-May-22 12:21:42

‘Suggestions’ are just that. They will take them or not. My late mum gave me wise advice many years ago. “All you can be now is a safety net. They will drop in it if needed”.

mumofmadboys Sun 15-May-22 12:32:44

I am learning to not give any advice unless it is requested. I am a slow learner though and have to bite my tongue! I just think they are adults and I never appreciated my mum's unsolicitored advice!

missingmarietta Sun 15-May-22 12:53:09

I just pop in experiences of my own when relevant to whatever they are talking about or problem they have. They can take it on board and apply it to their own situation if it seems to be a help/solution...or ignore it, and that's fine. I feel I've done my bit.

[I also feel it helps them get to know me, what's made me who I am, why I took the decisions I did in various situations [and my mistakes/struggles] a bit better].

It means I can relate, that I'm here to listen and support if needed. Everyone is so different, with unique backgrounds, needs and dreams, experience and logic so we have to let them find their own ways. But let them feel we are approachable and may have some wisdom after all!

Visgir1 Sun 15-May-22 12:55:57

I heard... Menopause is nature's way of letting your children go....

Callistemon21 Sun 15-May-22 12:57:22

I bought mine backpacks.

Callistemon21 Sun 15-May-22 12:58:51

Ps and remember that even if they ask for advice they don't always want it.

HousePlantQueen Sun 15-May-22 13:05:10

It is hard isn't it? When I feel a bit of advice coming on, I remember how irritated I used to be when my late DM gave me hers.

Kate1949 Sun 15-May-22 13:16:07

If I tried to advise my daughter or tell her what to do, I would be told in no uncertain terms to mind my own business.

SueDonim Sun 15-May-22 13:21:23

I think I get more advice from my children (especially about tech matters) nowadays than they get from me! I’ve never been a great one for giving advice anyway. I think, if asked, it’s better to give people information and let them decide what’s best.

Glorianny Sun 15-May-22 13:24:32

I never give advice to them. I've made enough mistakes of my own, I don't want to be responsible for theirs as well!!!

Cabbie21 Sun 15-May-22 13:34:37

I might say to my daughter “ have you thought of such and such?” And the answer is usually “ Yes, of course!” No advice needed unless asked for.

This2willpass Sun 15-May-22 14:52:41

Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

Fleur20 Sun 15-May-22 14:57:18

You need to find things to fill your tme. Make a life for you.
Then if they drop you a message you can stop and reply.
They really do not need to be supervised.
Probably not for the past 15 years or more.
Step back and let them come to you.
Interference leads to division and separation.
Be warned!

Hithere Sun 15-May-22 15:06:56


You need professional help to let go
Find hobbies, activities, anything that takes your mind of micromanaging your AC

I dont say it in a bad way - your expectations are too high on full grown adults (a daily call is too much)

You can still do something about it and avoid possible damage to your relationship

Cabbie21 Sun 15-May-22 15:17:02

I rarely hear from my son, in his mid forties, married with two young adult children. I might get a text about every three weeks. I am always welcomed when I visit ( by arrangement). They lead busy lives and I am not part of them on a daily basis, which is absolutely fine. I am more in touch with my daughter, most days we text, but at busy times it can be up to a week. We all get on well.
You need to fill your own life with interests, hobbies, friends, or work?

sparkly1000 Sun 15-May-22 15:18:34

You don’t say if your “children are married, in a partnership or parents.
My children would not have thanked me if I had expected to hear a daily bulletin even at age 22 or 25!
Frankly I would find it claustrophobic, maybe it’s time to cut the apron strings.
Your adult children are well mature enough to make their own decisions.
Please don’t risk your relationship with uninvited advice.

luluaugust Sun 15-May-22 16:44:24

I do find myself a bit like Miss Marple sometimes, as of course when you get to my age most problems have come up before.
Nowadays I find I am more required to just listen to various things that have happened or are going to happen and say something along the lines of "I think you did the right thing" this seems to be a satisfactory response. As they all have teenage children I can't resist occasionally pointing out that they did the things their children are doing now.I am not sure I could give advice anyway they seem to live on a different planet.

SueDonim Sun 15-May-22 17:01:17


Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

Heavens! Really? Having my mother constantly chasing after me would have driven me mad.

Serendipity22 Sun 15-May-22 17:07:41

We do it because we care and want the best for them.
I know that both my AC are extreme savvy but at times I do add my two penneth worth, what they do with my two penneth worth is up to them I mean my mum and dad gave me their two penneth worth and I didn't always listen, thought I knew it ALL and of course I didn't, as nobody does.

paddyann54 Sun 15-May-22 17:12:31

I see or hear from my two daily ,because they want to see us .I haven't tried to tell them how to run their lives since they were in their mid teens .
I left school at 15 against my parents advice ,well threats really .I knew what I wanted to do and exams weren't in my plans.Despite their complaints and pessimism I did just fine.Had my own business at 21.
I knew my kids would be OK without a helicopter parent ad luckily my OH is of the same view .
IF they ask ,,and its usually about a dress suiting one or a car being economical with the other we discuss it.Then they make their own choice and thats how I like it.
Of course we are always available if they really need us but we know we are appreciated

Hithere Sun 15-May-22 17:12:52

Generally speaking, an adult child knows what it is best for him/her

When parents of AC say "I want what is best for my kids" may translate as " I want what gives me peace of mind regardless of what my AC want for themselves"