I’m 67 with an angry husband

If you are asking whether you should leave then you have answered your own question. Start making plans. The shouting, swearing and verbal abuse should never be accepted. It would be nice to think you could sit down and tell him how you feel, but it sounds like this would not be a good idea if he is aggressive and threatening. From what you say it sounds as if a quiet escape plan is in order, giving him no indication of your intentions.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, Sue110. . Your husband isn’t at all caring. He’s using any so-called caring tactics as a way of manipulating you.

Please get some advice from Women’s Aid and start to plan for leaving. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Keep written records of his behaviour and either stash away things such as passports and other paperwork. Pay particular attention to financial details and make sure he cannot touch any money that’s yours. Look at where you might possibly live if you leave and how you will support yourself. You really need to get your ducks all lined up so you can leave him as swiftly as possible.

Others will be along, I’m sure, with lots more advice. Good luck.

How can he be caring when he is abusive?

Divorce

Abusive people aren't caring, they just sense when they have pushed you away and reel you back in by being nice for a bit.

As others have said, you dont have to stay in this relationship, you deserve to be truly happy

I’m not in the UK, so unable to help re Women’s support/refuges that sort of thing. But after seeing a close friend with a husband similar to yours gradually grind her down and bleed the life out of her, she began steps to leave. She is 68 and doubted if she’d have the strength or courage to actually do it, and it was those doubts that had kept her living half a life. First of all she said nothing, got herself to a solicitor, opened up a bank account in her name and began a search for a temporary flat. Accomplished all this (it helped that she has access to funds). Once the process began she never waivered. She’s just recently bought an apartment, is the happiest I’ve ever seen her, yes she occasionally has ‘those’ days, but overall she’s the girl that held my bouquet during our wedding ceremony. She’s free, free of criticism, and control.
If you’ve reached the ‘no going back’ stage, and only you know when that is, make yr plans, if you decide to leave I wish you good luck. There’s a lot to be said about living a ‘free’ life.

My advice would be to ensure that you have everything in order before you leave. Consult a solicitor. Protect everything that is yours. It could well get complicated. Especially if your home has to be sold. Prepare yourself mentally, this is extremely important.
You don't mention how long you have been married or if you have any children.
If you do have children unfortunately you cannot rely on them to side with you. You say that your husband is controlling. He could well play the 'poor me' card with family and friends. Be prepared to defend yourself. You probably present yourselves quite differently in public.
A truly caring person would not act in the way you describe.
You deserve a life lived well without fear of upsetting your husband and being subjected to abuse.
It will not be easy but it is achievable. A new happier life awaits you. Good luck.

Is it worth talking to him and letting him know how his behaviour affects you? Has it really reached the point where there is no future together? Would Relate be able to help at all?I am putting the alternative view to encourage you to look at all options. Hope things improve for you.x

A family member is in the same situation married to an abusive narcissist. She doesn’t seem able to leave him because she is afraid of what he might do - either physical violence towards her or besmirching her name and taking all her assets. He is very believable and can seem most charming. We stand by and watch their train wreck of a marriage feeling totally helpless. If you can find the strength and can salt away some cash I would say go - asap. Things don’t get better, only worse.

Leopards don’t change their spots. I bet he was like this when you met him, you ignored some red flags and now, over the years, you realise you’ve had enough.

Communication is key. Talk, tell him you’ve come to the end of your tether. Say if he doesn’t alter his behaviour you’ve made a decision to leave him. The jolt might make him change his ways ... but sadly I doubt it.

Good luck going forward whatever you decide.

To add to my earlier comment, my friend believed all her H had fed her thru the wedded years, that if their marriage ended she was entitled to nothing and would come out penniless. A solicitor gave her the actual facts! To see her now is a joy. And do you know, at 68 shes still got a lot of living and laughing to come. I’m not in any way trying to influence thoughts, the decision is solely yours.

Personally, I would go first and ring him later in the day. When you are in an abusive relationship, even if it is 'only' verbal abuse. When you finally say you have had enough and are leaving, it can tip into physical abuse, and you do not want to put yourself at risk of injury, or even death.

Lets be clear about one thing, you are in an abusive relationship. However caring your husband may be, when he chooses to be, He uses this mix of caring/verbally abusive/ureasonably jealous, to control you.

The pschological abuse your husband indulges in, puts him as much in danger of the law as does physical abuse as psychological abuse was recently also made a crime.

I think you only have one choice. Go, Get out, as fast as you can. If necessary go to a Woman's Refuge if you cannot go to family, friends, or rent a place of your own. On the day you leave go and see a solicitor. make sure it is one specialising in divorce and separation.

You ask;^Has anyone been in this position or similar?' The answer is that you are one of thousands, if not tens of thousands suffering as you do at the moment. A solicitor specialising in divorce, probably hears stories like yours almost daily.

So get out, then get a solicitor and then tell your husband. Do not tell him where you are staying, and if he comes looking for you, do not see him. Just give him your solicitors details and tell him to only communicate with you through your solicitor. You say he can be loving and caring. He will try to charm you and seduce you back into your marriage, where the abuse will start all over again, no matter what he promises in advance.

There’s so little facts
He is caring +
He is jealous -
He is abusive ( we don’t know how) -
He is controlling -

Has he always been like this?
How long have you been married?
What does his caring side do ?
How does he control you ?
Do you have children was he the same with the children?

From the little you have given yes it sounds as if parting would be the best thing but what you ve told us is such bare bones that it’s hard to advise as nothing in the world is black and white

I totally agree with M0nica

Giving him a pre-warning is not a good idea.

You have reached the end of your tether, gather up all paperwork you will need, photograph anything important that you can’t remove.
Only take things that will go in a bag, if he is out for a while then you can grab a suitcase, but remember the time to get everything you need is before you go.
Pension details for both of you, bank account statements, mortgage details or deeds of the house, passport, birth, marriage certificates, photograph or take with you anything that you feel is important.

Then go and do what Monica says.

Thank you for your advise everyone. We’ve been married for 17 years, have no children together but we’ve children from previous marriages. It’s the 2nd marriage for both of us. He has been abusive (on & off) for most of our years together, the emotional abuse has gotten worse. There are long gaps between the abuse & I’ve always been so glad when the verbal abuse is over that I’ve previously settled back into life with him. I’ve asked him to go to counselling with me (he refused). We own our own home & we are financially stable but I’ve had enough now… I will quietly arrange to see a solicitor next week & I have family & friends who I can stay with short term. Please keep the advise coming, it’s so good to feel your support. Thank you x

I was married for over 30 years to someone just like your husband.
A manipulative foul mouthed bad tempered b.....d
I divorced him and have never regretted it,if anything i should have done it years earlier.
I have never been happier,those types do not change believe me
Leave him,divorce him and see how happy you will become.

It is never recommended to go to counselling when a partner is abusive. Well done for taking the first steps in leaving this situation. Tell him nothing of your plans. Find out from the solicitor where you stand. Best of luck.

Good luck Sue, It seems you have decided the correct course of action.
I wish you happiness. Some very sound advice for you on this thread so no point in me offering any more. Go with your thoughts and feelings.

Plan, prepare and go - difficult to do when someone watches your every move, but you can do this.
Wishing you the best of luck.

You married a Jekyll and Hyde I did too nearly forty years ago. I was so naive I didn’t see the warning signs but we can all make mistakes.
Now is your chance to make a move as abusive and controlling behaviour does end in violence. I know first hand I should have acted earlier but didn’t.
If you have a bolt hole you can go to make it as quick as possible. If not seek help through Women's Aid as soon as possible and do seek legal advice.

Sue110
You posted about this situation over a year ago, I’m assuming nothing’s changed ?

SkyBird suggested that your husband might make out that he's the victim and try to win over your friends and relatives.

Don't let the thought of that put you off what you have to do. People who really care about you will stick with you, the others you can do without.

Go and make a happy new life and new friends.

Thanks for coming back Sue much clearer now if it’s been going on for 17 years and there’s no children involved I d say you ve made the right decision
Yes I ve been there is never an easy decision to make as you always remember the good times or the nice things they ve done but it sounds like you ve decided enough is enough
So the advise you ve already been given is all good nothing really to add except please please remember it won’t be clean you will be cajoled, promised, and ‘adored’ because no one walks away from a controller I was told the only way I d go is in a box however he cried like a puppy when I actually went
A controller is often someone who feels their own life is out of control so they project that on others but that’s a different story and he will need to sort himself out to gain an understanding of why he is how he …….but he won’t
Good luck x

Hi Sue -

I read your post with incredible sadness and sympathy .

Like the other gransnetters I don't think that he's caring he is an ABUSER and you are ABUSED .

He obviously is deeply insecure and unhappy and takes out his frustration on you .
What's next?
Being pushed ,kicked and hit ?
You've been walking on eggshells for 17 years .
Living in fear of upsetting someone is horrendous .

Take the good advice being offered here and go before you end up being a statistic .