Stuck in relationship with distant man

So you want to stay in a cold, unloved relationship just in case you might get sick and need a carer? And someone who is emotionally closed off is likely to stay around and help you? If you feel trapped now, can you imagine how trapped you would feel if he was caring for you or if you had to rely on him? Stop thinking of what might be and get out of this relationship. It isn't what you need right now.

I'm sorry to hear this. YJou say you are worried about developing cancer and that you will need someone to support you. What makes you think that this man will? He's not particularly supportive right now, is he, with his coldness towards you ... so much that you went home the other night rather than be with him? What does that say to you?

He "shuts down the conversation", you say, and calls you "emotional". This sounds controlling to me and you say yourself that it's not making you happy.

I know it's scary to be on your own, but it's even worse to be trapped with the wrong person. Been there and done that, and am now on my own which is relaxing and happy.

You feel "trapped". Don't bother with an ultimatum, he's never going to change at this stage in his life. I would tell him it's not working for you and you are ok with staying dog-walking companions but that's all. This is all you seem to be getting out of the relationship anyway.

You're right Grandmabatty and what's weird is that when I'm unwell he just loves looking after me because he says he likes me being dependent on him!

That is a huge red flag. Run, skip away. Don't walk, don't stay. Find that strong independent woman and bin him

LaCrepescule

You're right Grandmabatty and what's weird is that when I'm unwell he just loves looking after me because he says he likes me being dependent on him!

I mentioned him being controlling just now. This proves it! Run!!

Just go. End it now. You know it’s not right.
I talk as someone who finally left a controlling husband after 13 years last October. I should have done this years ago but tried to make my marriage work.
I can’t say it’s all a bed of roses especially this week as i have finally been caught by the Covid bug. This is when you appreciate real friends and family.
But my life is mine, and not his to deal with how he saw fit on the day.

You’ve started so many threads about your relationship with this man, even his sexual difficulties (tmi). For heaven’s sake put an end to it. You can’t seriously be considering a future with him just because you might get ill - and he’ll have you exactly where he wants you, totally dependent on him. Stick to the dog walking.

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve started so many threads about your relationship with this man, even his sexual difficulties (tmi). For heaven’s sake put an end to it. You can’t seriously be considering a future with him just because you might get ill - and he’ll have you exactly where he wants you, totally dependent on him. Stick to the dog walking.

This ^

Be thankful you're still unmarried, move on, be happy.

Sometimes it takes quite a long time for someone to finally leave a relationship. I would rather support the OP instead of berating her.

RUN!

LaCrepescule
You obviously don’t recognise a red flag when it’s flying.
How many more does he have to hoist before you see it?

Yes Grandmabatty, it's the history of my life. Staying too long in unsatisfactory relationships (I think I have dependency issues). The interesting thing though is that the most peaceful period of my life was the preceding period of 12 years before I met this man and was single. I'm beginning to wish I'd never met him

There’s your answer. Peace is a precious thing.

It's all I wish for, not joy or happiness even. Just peace.

How many more red flags do you want OP? You have invested 16 months of your life and probably don’t want to let go as those months will seem ‘a waste’. Hmm. Better now to cut your losses than hope this leopard will change his spots. Clue: he won’t.

As Maya Angelou said: when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

LaCrepescule

You're right Grandmabatty and what's weird is that when I'm unwell he just loves looking after me because he says he likes me being dependent on him!

This show all signs of someone with a degree of personality disorder. Hook em in, then when you are, and you wonder if you can do without him, he can be cold and that's controlling.

Get out, LaCrepescule. You will find its far harder feeling lonely but with someone than alone and starting to find your own strengths and resources. I had to, I did. (yes with circs of unwellness)

Just do it: he might try and hook you back in by turning affectionate again if you reject him: more warning signs.

You really don't deserve to be treated like this and are worth so much more. The only person who can give you permission to fulfil your joy and happiness is you. I think you put your finger on it when you said you had a happy life up to meeting him. Be your own person, do your thing, hone in on what brings you joy, peace and fulfilment in your inner soul. Be at peace with yourself. None of us are getting any younger and we deserve to be mistresses/masters of our own happiness.

You say he wants to spend more time with you but he is cold. It's sounds like a total contradiction he doesn't know what he wants. In fact it's very immature behaviour.
It's unfortunate you are insecure about your health and future. You need to focus on you and what you really want.
You don't seem convinced that the relationship is going to work so end it.

So many red flags you could make a set of bed linen! Come on, run away now. I think you know deep down what would happen if you don’t leave him. Nightmare.

He's controlling so get the heck away from him, I'd rather be alone than put up with that. All of us who are on their own always have a worry of getting sick, how would we cope, but you say you have lovely daughter so you aren't alone. Don't depend on this man to be your carer, there's more to life, get your independence back.

Wise words from Maya Angelou MerylStreep thank you for reminding me of them.

Yes thank you all, I need to find a way to finally break free. It feels slightly ridiculous that st my age, I don’t trust my instincts better. My daughter doesn’t like him either and is frustrated with me that I continue seeing him.

Take your courage in both hands LaCrepescule and let this relationship go. A peaceful life is a blessing, take it from one who knows. You have your daughter to support you so go ahead and good luck.