Has anyone else had the experience of someone close dying at an appropriate moment

Annobel - it is the case that people require more support and understanding when a parent (or whoever) with whom they had a flawed relationship dies - there is so much more to come to terms with - you mourn both for the person and for the relationship that you wish you had had. I am sorry you got so little support from your then OH.

My mother (who falls into the above category) died 2 days after I had watched my baby GD being born - she had severe dementia, but when I rang the home and asked them to tell her the news, she said "How nice" - the first rational thing she has said for a couple of years - who knows, maybe she understood.

My MIL had her youngest son born with downs syndrome. He was in a home that housed 3 others, with carers. She always worried that she would pass away before this son and it concerned her greatly.

In his 50th year he was having a shower at the home with a carer nearby when he had a fatal heart attack. Obviously MIL was most upset but also relieved that she didn't have the worry of dying before him.

6 weeks later my MIL (frail and bedridden now) passed away. Her rapid deterioration in health I believe was how things were meant to happen. She was at peace.

Really sad but moving stories..the problem now is Drs are absolutely terrified of "helping" terminally ill patients by giving morphine..this is because of the ghastly Harold Shippman..before this when a Dr knew that a patient was very near death & perhaps in awful pain, morphine would be given..not to kill, but the Dr would know that given appropriately, the person would slip away..now they are understandably concerned that relatives might not want their relative to go & might accuse them of God forbid murder...sounds awful, but if or when I am diagnosed with something terminal..I am off..no fuss, good bye to my loved ones & farewell!

My father eventually succumbed to one of his cancers in a hospice. My brothers had called me and said that he wasn't going to get through this time - my mother was in denial. When she did call me I raced up there and sat with him. He died the next day. Although he had been in a coma well before I arrived, he seemed to come out of it in his last hours - only for a few seconds whilst I was stroking his hand. He gave me a brilliant smile, and then slipped back into unconsciousness.
Odd - neither of my parents were "touchy-feely", and whilst Dad would hold my hand when I was little, in later years he was very distant. I wonder what was happening there at the last?

crimson that is exactly what happened to my only sister.Way back in 1985 at 50 she had a lumpectomy.The treatment for cancer wasn't so good then as it is now.The next year I took her on a holiday with my two daughters -her first holiday abroad.Later that year the cancer came back.I was working in Devon - her OH phoned to say she'd been rushed into hospital.I drove up to Lancs.
Dr told me it was the end and for next 4 days I sat by her bedside holding her hand and talking to her even tho she never regained consciousness.I just had short naps when other family came. I was on my own- went outside to stretch my legs and get a breath of air -she slipped away.I felt so sad but the nurse told me that often happens -that's the way they want it.

I've often heard of people sitting at bedsides in hospitals for hours/days only for the dying person to slip away when they go out for a few minutes. Interesting what you say about your Dad, Gally. I've often wondered what I would do with such a diagnosis, having seen so many people spend their last few months having unpleasant treatment to no avail. Then again, so many people have treatment and are fine afterwards.

All very moving stories. Apparently, North American Indians, when their time was up just sat by their totem poles and willed themselves to die - perhaps there is something in that. My Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer and decided not to have any treatment and basically just decided to die; it took a painless 5 weeks from diagnosis; I sat with him until midnight, went to his home for a sleep and was called at 5a.m. to hear that he had died; maybe he wanted it that way?

My dear dad was in hospital and had his 90th birthday on Friday 13th 2008. He had never considered the number unlucky as it was his birth date. He died on the Sunday, which was Father's Day.

My dad had had a heart attack, had recovered well, and was getting on with life, if a little slower than he had before. We'd had a meal with him on the Saturday evening and the next morning he was found by his friend. He'd died in the night. Before we left that night I'd told my dad that I loved him - just a wee quick stroke on his arm, and "I love you". He replied that he loved me too. We weren't a demonstrative family, and I was an only child. I'd never told my mother that I loved her - that 'sort of thing' wasn't done in our family. I do so wish that I had told her.

My dad went out to lunch with mum and then collapsed about tea time. Very hard for us but great for him and the postscript helped us all. He had an appointment booked for the next day and would have learned that the chemo hadn't worked so we were pleased he didn't ever have to deal with that news.

My dad had been in hospital some weeks. I used to visit every day. On the 15th Jan 2009 I woke with a feeling that dad wanted me , I thought about ringing the hospital to see if he was ok but I talked myself out of it as it was 3.30 am and I thought it would be unfair to ring the ward at that hour so I made a cup of tea and took it back to bed with me. No sooner had I got into bed than the phone rang, it was the hospital. Dad was slipping away and could I get there as soon as possible !
When I arrived the nurse told me that dad was very restless. When I sat by his bed within 10 minutes he had calmed down and sadly he died the next day.He was my best friend and I still miss him to this very day

Mr.Gs dad had never had a day off work with illness from when he started work at Cammel Lairds shipyard from when he was 15yrs old until the week of his death at 64,he woke on the Monday morning with tummy ache and he decided to stay in bed so without hesitation Mr G arranged for the doctor to call,DS1 was his first DGS and was just being weaned onto baby food and after asking Mr G senior if he fancied anything to eat he said he liked the smell of the food the baby was eating,no problem said I and off I went to the shop to buy some for him,when I came back 15mins later he had died,and I think he knew he was going and did not want to traumatise me with just having a new baby,such a gentleman to the last.

kitty, what a horrid, insensitive man that was. Reminds me a bit of my ex's reaction to my mum's death. Pointed out that I didn't get on with her that well. he hadn't a clue about the gap that is left in one's life by the loss of a parent - maybe he learned that later on. He also got stroppy when my dad arranged the funeral very quickly, growling about how inconvenient it was. It still took anther three years for me to get rid of him.

shysal, that was surely a 'good death' for your neighbour, and so hard for his son to deal with - but it may just have changed how the rest of his own life went, who knows? Life is short indeed.

An elderly neighbour, whom I had been looking after because of his long term estrangement from his son, was obviously close to death one morning, calling his son's name. Fortunately my final attempt at getting him to visit his Dad was successful and they were able to say sorry and goodbye after which he passed peacefully away. I am sure he had been hanging on until that moment.

My mother had terminal cancer. She stayed at home until she couldn't fight it any more (her words). She got up, had a bath and dressed herself, then was driven to the Marie Curie hospice. She lapsed into unconciousness almost straight away and died peacefully the next day, with us all around her.
My father died ten days before our wedding, when I was at university doing exams. That wasn't so good.

Some lovely moving stories.

When we lived in Australia, some friends were about to arrive for a stay as part of a trip round Australia and New Zealand. About 30 minutes before we expected them to arrive the wife's sister rang and told us that their father had died unexpectedly. As our friends arrived I took the husband on one side to explain the situation so he could break the news gently to his wife.

What he actually said was, 'Your father died yesterday, ruined our b****y holiday, that has' He wouldn't allow her to go home for the funeral as their insurance policy meant that they would all have had to go and they would miss out on New Zealand!

They are divorced now!

A good death!

Unfortunately not my experience. Mum (61) had been ill for a while (heart failure) and was in hospital. Dad sat with her almost all the time. We knew time was short and my brother was coming home form Kuwait to see her and Dad had gone to meet him up and take him to the hospital. We all went together to discover she had died five minutes before we all got there Five years later , OH and DDs were staying in Dad's caravan in Yorkshire during half term. On our way home we stopped to visit a theme park and got home later than planned. My brother phoned to say dad (67) died that lunchtime. It was hard both times not to have been there with them.

My MiL had a better death. My BiL had visited her that afternoon. He left her as bright as a button at about 5:00p.m. When she was found in her flat by her carer next morning she was seated in her chair, half a cup of tea and a half eaten slice of her favourite lemon meringue pie. She had died at about 5:45. She looked very content in her chair when OH & I got there. She was 98.

My auntie waited for my mum to get to the hospital before she died. She had cancer and was a long way from mum's home, but she got there with minutes to spare and they were able to acknowledge each other. The nurses said they knew my auntie had been hanging on to see her sister.

My father held on until my daughter was born. He was able to hold her before he died. He was only 54 he had an aggressive brain tumour and was expected to die about 6months before! But once he realised I was pregnant he held on until she was here! That was 38 years ago!

My mother had a very aggressive cancer and wasn't expected to last much longer. My sister got on a flight from New Zealand and it wasn't until after she arrived that Mum died.

My mother died at an inopportune moment. I was en route to Kuala Lumpur to meet OH to have a really nice holiday. (he was based in HK at the time)
I think she had reached the end of her tether with motor neurone disease a few days before and stopped taking her steroids etc (which she was on for other conditions) . That might do it.
Poor old OH got a fax under the hotel door in the small hours and had to tell me when I arrived. Day trip to KL. Rubbish timing. And the insurance did not pay out on grounds of "pre-existing condition".

On the other hand, I now realise that I stopped my mother from 'going'. The OAP home phoned me several times to say I should come quickly, as mum was so unwell. I would rush to the airport, jump on a plane, hire a car and get there within hours. I'd kiss her and put her head back on my chest and massage her head and shoulders and say 'it's OK mum, I'm here'. She would start to eat again, and perk up, and after a week or two I'd return to the UK. And then the same again a couple of months later.

In the end, having bought a house here and almost ready for the big move, she died 3 weeks before. We of course rushed over to be with my dad, who was himself amazingly fit for his 96 years. Then back for the move and dad died 2 months later, totally unexpected. C'est la vie.

It happens often really. My very best friend asked for me to come and visit her- as she was very sick with pancreatic cancer. I lived in the UK and her in Switzerland. Her husband came to fetch me from the station, and when we arrived at the hospital I took her in my arms, and she died. She was, I am quite sure, waiting for me to arrive as she didn't want her husband to be alone- she knew he wouldn't cope. Her husband was also a childhood friend- I was like a sister to him. That was 10 years ago- still miss her very much.