Unattended cremation thoughts, please.

Well, I live opposite a town centre church built in the 14/15 century surrounded by a graveyard that holds the graves of most of the population of this town from 1500 to mid 19th century. I love walking round the graveyard and imaginig the lives of all the people there whose gravestones still stand and have legible descriptions, and think of all the others nterred there

I hope my children will give me the funeral I want, which is to be buried in the churchyard of the church I attended for over 30 years so that I become one with soil I am interred in. I am not remotely bothered about being tended to, visited or anything else. Just to lie in a country churchyard in peace and quiet until all trace of me has gone.

I have arranged and paid for Co-op unattended cremation.
Neither myself nor any of my children are, in any way, religious.
I have also left some money so that - should they wish - they can arranged some sort of get-togethers (probably call it 'Celebration of Life), Do not really care what they call it - I wont be there!!!

As an Atheist I believe that when I die, that is it - No, I am not looking down from some mythical place in the sky.

Catharsis!!!! - surely not too much = I am in my mid-80's now, so when I do die - cannot be called tragic in any way.

My Will, LPA's, DNA etc are all in order and my two eldest daughters know exactly where all those papers are. Paperwork on my flat is also in a file with everything in place.

Some, would probably call me a bit of a control-freak, but I live a totally independent life and really do not wish to make those first few weeks following my death difficult for my children.

When my ex-husband died a couple of years ago, his cremation was arranged via the local synagogue as he had paid into their funeral arrangements for well over forty years. Rabbi was told, very clearly by my eldest daughter making arrangements that both her Dad and all the family were atheistic so could he keep any mention of god(s) to the minimum, and was told that would happen. But it did not!!! rabbi kept on and on about this mythical creature causing most of the people there shuffling in embarrassment and my eldest daughter to be so angry and upset.

I have also specified that there is no need to collect the ashes, crem. can do with them whatever they wish.

Franbern - I see catharsis as release, relief and renewel - it's a process towards new beginning.

It isn't tragic
I can't see it as tragic at all.

I agree Franbern. Not controlling at all. Just making a difficult time less difficult for family.

I have collected DHs ashes following his unattended cremation and I feel very happy to have them at home for the time being. They are very much part of him. I didn't know how it would make me feel. But for me it feels good and the right decision.

My parents' ashes were scattered at their local crematorium a distance away and in 30 years I have never been back there. But I think of them almost every day. That's the important thing.

But it is very much horses for courses. Everyone to their own decision and don't shout at anyone who makes a different decision. I was shouted at by someone I thought a long term close friend shortly after DH died. I think the friendship is now over, but in a way I have forgiven her.

A relative of dh (not close) apparently didn’t want any sort of service or fuss. So dh and I took wine, nibbles and glasses, and (having asked the crematorium staff whether it was OK) we rearranged some chairs and half a dozen of us sat around, shared memories and photos of him, with a glass of wine and nibbles - with his coffin on a stand nearby!

It worked very well, and the crem staff had no objection.

M0nica

A vicar is not the only alternative to having a 'Pure' type cremation. There are humanist ministers whose calling is to preside at all key life ceremonies: marriages, funerals for someone. I have been to quite a number of funerals with a humanist celebrant. The undertaker will be able to recommend some one.

I believe strongly we should leave our descendants to organise the funeral they want, rather than impose on them one we would like. I mean you will be dead so will know nothing about it and even if they tell you they will do everything you want. You will have no way of knowing they actually do so.

Just put the money in a special account or somewhere, so they can access it on you demise and then decide whether to give you decent funeral or put you out for recycling while the family all go on a luxury cruise.

I totally agree with you on allowing the descendants to organise the funeral they want. I had a friend whose father wrote his own eulogy which went on for four A 4 sides. The children cut it right back to two A4 sides. I wrote my mum and dad's eulogy in a light, warm way and felt it summed them up beautifully. When my father-in-law died, he had everything arranged and we felt bereft as there was nothing to do. The family planned my parents funerals, they had mentioned some hymns but the rest was left to us. It was so heartwarming to choose certain poems and readings.