I just do not understand...

Oh Absent was that what it was. Silly me. What a noodle I am. [wonk]

I am sure some men have emotional intelligence. Not all just a few.

It's to do with emotional intelligence j08 not guilt. And i don't want to be like a man thanks.

[groan smiley]

Thank you holy mother.

Petallus that is typical woman's guilt. You can bet your life men don't feel it.

All of you – why not? Especially those who cannot recognise a play on words.

Bless who? Aka, Geraldine, me or Parker Bowles?

Bless!

Absent is that what passes as your sense if humour? By 'porker' do you mean fat? And what does the 'bowels' signify? Unkind, unnecessary and more.

Absent - love child. Sshhh!

LizG how is this thread "at the expense of others"? I really think you owe me an explanation of that accusation.

j08 You cannot be Geraldine's mum and Camilla Porker Bowels at the same time.

Wonder if that's just a case of feeling a bit desperate, and, having always lurked before, the poster plucks up courage and then comes out with their problem? They may take notice of all the replies, but just don't give any other feedback for some reason or other?

kitty I do agree with your point re asking a question and then never being heard of again.

That's the kind of attitude I like, petallus, which is why I actually don't feel very sympathetic to people who clearly aren't looking at the problem from anyone else's viewpoint but their own. When I say 'clearly', I mean as far as I can tell by what they say in their post(s). If they seem to have considered the other person's or people's point of view, even if they don't like it and think it unreasonable, at least one feels they've tried to be reasonable themselves.

When that isn't evident (or when I just can't see the evidence for it) well, yes, I suppose I can be accused of lacking empathy for the person wanting my sympathy. But somehow, I'm not ashamed of that.

Pass the witch's hat over, please, kitty.

I should say there have not been many critical comments of the kind I mentioned and I think it's okay about exes and, well perhaps anybody apart from one's children.

Yes! Sometimes in the past when people have come on complaining about a relative, say an ungrateful adult child, I have winced when some posters start saying critical things about the child (they should grow up, they are users, they should be asked to leave the house etc.)

For this reason I would hesitate to post about problems I might have with my nearest and dearest because I know I wouldn't want to expose them to this kind of comment.

Also, even when I am feeling really angry with a family member, when I calm down later I try to look at my part in the situation because I know, although it is difficult for me to see the wood for the trees, I will be doing something unhelpful.

Sorry if I am sounding like Saint Petallus!

Grammar kitty - no point trying to make a point and getting the grammar wrong! [witch's]

Thing is aka, how would they know we were listening unless we said something?

I agree with whoever said that our own friends give differing advice depending on their view point and their own experiences.

Isn't it rather irritating and frustrating when posters come along with a problem and then we hear no more from them at all, either on other threads or telling us how things are progressing? I liken those people to those who just do the competitions - abiding by the rules but not really entering into the spirit of the thing. [dusksbehindthesofasmartishwithawitcheshaton]

It's the timing that is crucial, I'm sure you'll agree petallus - and a finely judged thing in a one-to-one situation.
I agree sympathy can be overwhelming and as ultimately unhelpful as someone telling to brace up

Agree, we can't know the whole story, so can really only be vaguely sympathetic. A few practical suggestions and points made that may not have noticed are useful, though, and surely if they are laying the situation before us they must consider that we are the equivalent of sensible but understanding friends?

I agree with nearly everything you posted above Elegran except for the part which suggests 'on GN we ought to be in the position of trusted, sensible friends'....not sure that we know people well enough to be trusted or their situation well enough to be a true friend.

Nor is this medium conducive to getting the whole story straight, and asking the correct questions. Too many people to just one with the issue, and posts crossing over each other. Some questioning, some offering advice, some telling their own story, some joining in later in the debate, others being forced to leave, etc.

Under these circumstances is much to be said for just offering a sympathetic, listening ear.

Exactly Elegran

I agree that sometimes too much sympathy can blunt people's attempts to find a sensible solution, Petallus. It can be all to easy to get into a state of mind where all the blame is on the "other side" and the poster is the helpless victim, with everyone reinforcing their sense of grievance by their responses.

Understanding that they are hurt and confused by what has happened is essential before replying. They need sympathy, of course, but they also need to see the situation from the point of view of other people involved, and plan a way to improve things and not make them worse.

A trained counsellor or a good genuine friend, would listen to the story and draw out attitudes and insights, without blanket criticism of either side. On GN we ought to be in the position of trusted sensible friends, not accusers (or smothering feather beds, either) Rephrasing our first instant reactions more tactfullyis part of that.

A lot of problems are caused by people not having the time to read what people say but finding the time to wade in with short and harsh comments perhaps [?].