Alcohol

I'm sorry to hear how worried you are about this but sadly I don't think there is very much you can do. She will have to come to her own realisation about the issue. I suppose when you are out you could just order for the whole table some soft drinks but I guess you would instruct the waiter herself. I wouldn't give her my bed again though! It seems a bit unfair to you to say don't have any drink in your house when they come- she would just bring some of her own. Is she very stressed- I know when I had a very stressful job I drank a lot? Perhaps she needs support with whatever is making her unhappy and in need of a drink. Hopefully some of the very wise Gransnetters will have more suggestions. Best wishes.

OGM I can imagine how helpless you feel. Perhaps you could try talking to your son again at an appropriate moment? It won't help her but may help him as he certainly knows, even if he is in denial.

Whether or not she is an alcoholic, she is certainly alcohol dependent (not sure if that is the same thing). If your son can talk to her about it he is probably the only person who can make her change and even he probably can't. An alcoholic has to want to change or it won't happen.

Sorry but I think you just have to stand back. You can of course talk to Alanon and see if they can offer you any advice. Good luck

OGM Your DiL has a serious problem, doesn't she, and your son is probably just as worried as you are.

Grannyknot (I think) posted this link some time ago about how family members can help - I hope it helps you.

www.thecounselingcenter.org/The_Counseling_Center/10Ways.html

Thanks Sue,jane and Nonnie
DIL does have a stressful job and she would prefer not to be working but she is determined that the DGC do not go without the latest electronic gadgetry so carries on. She seems a different person with her work colleagues (from what she says). At home she is on a short fuse but mellows as the evening goes on.
I've long thought she needs counselling to deal with her underlying problems which are image related imo, but wouldn't dare suggest this.
I'm aware that DS could do more but he has always deferred to her, I would go as far as saying he pussyfoots around her!
Off to access the above link.

Be very careful OLD eggshells and DIL"S come to mind !

In some circumstances you have to be brave and not worry about the eggshells Nonu
I'm sure OGM is fully aware of the pitfalls of intervening and has the tact and diplomacy necessary to deal with the situation.

Oh I think one has to worry about eggshells and DIL"S , Jane.

I agree with you Nonu it could do more harm than good.

Would never give my bed to DD and s-i-l!

As the mother of an alcoholic - I regret there is nothing you can do, I have spent five years looking for answers , I was at breaking point recently and spoke of it here, the first time in five years I no longer felt isolated . Do read the link posted, it helped me, as did kindnesses in messages and assurance of prayers

I am so sorry this illness may have struck your family x

Nonnie, shall we have a together, do us more good than that old .

Hi there OGM. ...everything happens for a reason ! I haven't been into Gransnet for ages and today I find your post. I too wrote to the forum about my sons drinking so know some of what you are going through. Like Anniebach I have tried to deal with the situation . I drank in my early twenties and have been there and got the teeshirt. It doesn't help because I have tried to shock my son out of drinking and it is only this year five years after the death of my daughter in a car crash..(drink involved),and after an year of coaching, that I have been able to stand back. We can help but only when they want to help themselves. For you it is different she is your DIL...does she have children who are jeopardised? It depends how close you are to her and your son. What about her parents.? If you feel you can talk to her perhaps you could say something like ...how important she and her well being is to you and you care for her and want to see her lead a happy and healthy life...this might be all she needs knowing that you know?! If I can be of help let me know. Hope this is not a ramble but this subject takes up a lot of my life.!

Dear Anniebach, I have just replied to OGM and feel that I would like to say hello to you. We do feel isolated but in fact there are many of us suffering out there...and it is us who suffer, not just the addict. Take care.

Dear Anniebach, I have just replied to OGM and feel that I would like to say hello to you. We do feel isolated but in fact there are many of us suffering out there...and it is us who suffer, not just the addict. Take care.

Anniebach and Grannytwoshoes no time to reply at the mo, expecting No 2 son and DIL for the w/end. Thanks for your support. xx

To all those with alcoholics in their family all I can offer is (((hugs))) and an ear for those who need it. Feel free to PM any time.

Grannytwoshoes, hello and thank you x it's an ongoing nightmare isn't it?

Any support would be welcome here too , alcohol has also impacted my family BIG TIME and we are still dealing with it amongst other difficult things ;

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1209761-Feeling-a-lot-of-pain

Trying to keep myself well has to be my priority! x

She may not yet be an alcoholic , judged as a heavy drinker at the moment, but it is just a matter of time. Your phrase that she doesn't drink coffee when she is out really struck me as a serious situation. Having a few drinks in the evening after a stressful day at work is one thing, but drink is her prop and it will only get worse. Your son has got his head well and truly in the sand or is he just being loyal. Try and persuade him to get help for his wife. It will ruin your grandchildren's lives too - what a memory to have of your mother.

Where is that fine line- between being a 'normal' social drinker, to a heavy drinker and an alcoholic??? Not easy to define always- for me perhaps the quantity is not that significant, but perhaps the need- if someone cannot bear to go without for one evening... maybe the line's been crossed already.

The concept of a glass is also dodgy... some glasses are the size of a swimming-pool- 3 glasses can easily be a bottle. I quite like the fact that here you have to order wine ba the decilitre- so a glass can be 1, 2 or 3 dl- so you know exactly how much you've had (for driving too).

I agree with suebailey- there is little you can do- and I really feel sorry for your son, who is aware of the problem but just doesn't know what to do. Being 'pig in the middle' won't help him either. Very difficult and I feel for you.

The best definition of being an alcoholic I have ever come across is "when alcohol costs you more than money". When it starts to cost you health, relationships, friends, job, self-respect - you have a major problem whatever label you put on it.
I think it is important for family members to seek help for themselves, because although they may not realise it, they will to some extent have been affected by the madness an alcoholic creates all around. They may even unwittingly be part of the problem by enabling - taking on responsibilities that should rightly belong to the alcoholic. It's desperately sad and difficult.

Wise words dorsetpent, granjura and Tresco, thankyou.
Totally agree that DS is almost an accomplice, I'd like him to acknowledge the situation, then talk to DIL about it. He seems to think it is his duty to provide for ALL her needs, which cannot be helping!
DIL's rages are fearsome, I think he is almost afraid of her (or of upsetting her).

OGM that sounds awful and you have my deepest sympathy.
Your son must be suffering dreadfully, not to mention you DGCs.
Perhaps it might help to reflect what, if any, action you would be taking or recommending if it was your daughter living with a man who subjected her to drunken verbal abuse?
I don't have answers I'm afraid, but we do tend to think it's only women who suffer domestic abuse, but that isn't the case and I suspect there is less help out there for men than women, but it sounds as though your son needs to face facts and get the help he needs.