Do I leave one son out of my will.

mosaicwarts your stepson was asking if his father had thought of him. That's all. Poor man has been put in his place hasn't he.

And Hilda.

Bluebelle has a point. I hadn't thought of that.

BlueBelle, I am totally in agreement with you. I advised against it as something similar happened in our family and it was devastating for all concerned. Death is very final (Yes its obvious but needs really thinking about) there is no come back, no chance to explain and no chance to say goodbye if there is hurt and disbelief from being cut out.
Children and family members loose touch for many reasons and in my experience the guilt the leaver eventually feels can lead them to really 'batten done the hatches' and stay away. They have run away because they could not face something and they remain away because the emotional resilience is just not there to return. If they could not face the arguments at the time in many cases time does not make it any better. It can make it worse.
I do speak from experience, a man who ran away from a wife and child lived to regret it. The guilt led to an estrangement from his family and as time went on he could face the recriminations and explanations even less. At least one parent died and a brother too before any rapprochement was even attempted.
The will is so final - great care should be taken.

Leaving a child out of a Will is illegal in New Zealand.

You can make a token legacy, a few dollars but if it is a miniscule portion of the whole estate then it leaves it wide open to contesting and the courts often find for the contestor.

How difficult and shocking for you to lose your husband whilst you were in hospital and unwell, a terrible shock for you and my deepest sympathy
I could NEVER leave a child out of my will even if they had wronged me it would be your last words to leave to them you’re last imprint on their life
I m unsure why you would not talk to your son yourself when your husband died surely even if estranged you would deliver that news yourself and not ask another son to do it
Are you 100% sure he knew
I see from other posters I m in the minority but all my children are my children, always

You should contact him yourself. Did other son definitely tell him? I find it hard to believe he knew and didn't come.

I made a new will in 2014 leaving everything to my daughters. Now 5 years later I have nearly 3 grandchildren, third is due soon. There is a mention that if one daughter dies, her half goes to her child/ children in trust. I had not thought of this at the time. My Dad made his will when we lived in Bristol back in the 60's. I believe it leaves us 4 children to be looked after by one of Mum's friends who has since died ? Mum does not have a will, maybe we should get it updated for both.

Once youre dead you are out of the equation somewhat, and an "uneven" will can cause relationship strains between the survivers. I.e. you may be causing problems for the relatives that you DO leave in your will, if you leave others out. Do you want that for them?

He’s a hard hearted man to absent himself from his Fathers funeral.

Why?
Im not a funeral goer! One persons expression of grief isnt "better" than anothers. In my opinion, the deceased isnt at their own funeral, so go if funerals give you comfort, dont go if they dont. There is no right or wrong

He’s a hard hearted man to absent himself from his Fathers funeral. Perhaps reduce the amount you planned to leave him . Give your nephew a share and any friends or charity that you favour.

We have been estranged from our son for 6.5 years and took the decision to disinherit him leaving his brother as sole beneficiary.

We have thought about including our ES's children, our GC but in the end decided against doing so.

Our solicitor advised us to state in our wills that our ES 'had been adequately provided for during our life time' and this is what we have put. Our son may decide to give something to his brother of course which would be his choice.

I noted that a poster referred to a parents' unconditional love for their child. Disinheriting an estranging AC does not mean that the love you have for them isn't unconditional. We continue to love our ES and will until the day we die but feel for him to inherit would be inappropriate.

An inheritance is a gift, not a right and a gift that should be given gladly and gratefully received.

Horrible story in the Times today.
A son who was cut out of a will was so jealous and angry that he went round and killed his brother!

Ive 2 estranged daughters and grandaughters ( their choice) who Ive had no contact in 5 years! Ive cut them all out of my will. Why reward kids for their appalling behaviour toward you whilst your alive, its not going to change the way they feel about you when your dead!

Ctd

Between my children? Or can you refuse it?

TwiceAsNice

I too am estranged from my mother, and she’s told my husband she’s cut me out of her will, which I absolutely fine by me!

My worry is a bit of a strange one, what do I do if she changes her mind? It would be totally hypocritical for me to accept anything? Should I share it out

My will says everything I have will be shared equally with daughters when I die but I am in a lovely relationship with both of them

I was estranged from my mother when she died. I did not expect to inherit anything and would not have taken it if offered it. She left £10,000 each to my 2 daughters and her jewellery to them to share. I was perfectly happy with that.

I haven't seen my Dad since 2000. He was an adulterer and put my mother through hell, finally divorcing her in 1977. She still loved him deeply though, and they kept in touch until her death in 2000. My Dad's new wife was actually the kindest when my Mum was dying. I took no interest in my stepmother, I never even knew her surname. When my Mum died in 2000, my Dad wrote to me saying my brother deserved a medal for looking after her. I wrote back and disowned them all and said our values were too different.

This thread has made me wonder if he's made a will, and whether I'm mentioned. I doubt it but I could certainly do with the money, I could stay in my beautiful house then.

I did write to him and 'forgive' him about ten years ago, and we have exchanged birthday and christmas cards since. He sent me Sheila Hancock's book when Steve died - ! I do understand why he is such a cold fish, his parents were dreadful.

We have not seen our oldest son for nearly 17 years. He fell out with his brother at our house but blamed us (it’s a VERY long story!). Anyway after much soul searching we decided to take him out of our wills. It broke my heart as I think about him every day (he’s now 40). I tried to reconnect with him but he didn’t want to know. It’s my one regret in life but not much I can do about it. You must be guided by your conscience.

When my husband died in 2016, I found out he had been secretly seeing his son (aged 40) from his first marriage, for the past four years.

I went through agonies waiting for my husband's will to be sent. I wondered if he had changed it due to this secret contact.

I only found out they were in contact because I found texts on his phone a few days before the funeral. I couldn't face phoning him and asked my BIL to. He did attend the funeral in May, as well as the ashes ceremony in August.

When my husband divorced his wife due to her adultery and subsequent serious affair with a property millionaire in 1981 his son was 7. I met my husband the following year, and he hadn't seen him so I encouraged him to make contact again. He wrote a letter asking for contact, and was told not to make contact as his son was 'settled in his new life' and contact would only upset him.

Thirteen years later my MIL rang to say he had visited her, and he would be phoning my husband.

We made our 'mirror wills' in 1995.

In January 1996 he phoned my husband, and they met for the first time in 13 years for his 21st birthday. Sadly his son said contact would be too difficult as his loyalties lay with his mother. My husband was devastated. Our second child, my daughter, was due any day.

At the funeral, meeting him for the first time, I felt very sorry he had spent his life wondering why he couldn't see his Dad but hoped during the four years he'd secretly been seeing my husband, he'd been able to get to know him.

At our house, after the funeral, he told me he was glad to find out my husband wasn't the 'b+stard' his mother had described. I was horrified he thought it acceptable to say this to me.

A few days after the funeral, he emailed asking to see 'his Dad's will'.

Again I felt very upset. I asked my solicitor to send him a copy and emailed him to say I was curious as to why he had asked.

He said he wanted to know if his father had thought of him. I had left my husband alone with the solicitor to discuss it, and he had decided to leave everything to our children. If they and their children had passed, the money would go to his son.

I remade my will immediately, and have not made any provision for him. I am concerned he could contest it, but my solicitor says it's bombproof. I was so disgusted he made those comments about my husband, hours after the funeral.

He had also only contacted my daughter, not my son. I hope when I've gone he doesn't harrass her.

Seeing this post I think I will also leave a letter explaining my actions.

It galls me that I have written a will leaving my estate equally between the 3 children with some proportion also equally between the 3 grandchildren. One dd hardly ever gets in touch, when she does then she is loving but she has not even told me her mobile number. The other dd is very caring and ds is also very caring. I do secretly give nice things to the 2 caring AC, things I already have and need to downsize. I cannot leave dd3 out of my will nor treat her unequally in my will, with all the pain and anguish that will cause but I am having my will re-drafted soon, new addresses and have decided just to have 2 executors, not the 3.

What do you really want to do Cathy? I think it’s vital that you are content with your decision, whatever it may be. There isn’t a simple right or wrong. You’ve had a dreadful time and it must hurt deeply that your son was not with you at your husband’s funeral. I cannot be certain what I would do in your situation but suspect I would find it impossible to leave any child out completely as it would be denying our relationship ever existed. Any bequest would however be minimal and explained in a letter of wishes with wording advised by a solicitor. I would also explain reasoning to executors. If your estranged son has children from either relationship then as others have said why not consider leaving his legacy to them? Again explain your thinking in a letter of wishes. Speak to a solicitor, listen to their advice and do what sits the least uncomfortably with you. You can always change your mind if circumstances change, none of us know what tomorrow may bring. Wishing you well.

I have made a will as i wanted to be sure anything i have goes to my partner and not my children who both cut ties with no reason ten years ago despite all my efforts for three years neither of them will have any contact so i made a will and cut them out, then on my solicitors advice i wrote a letter stating why i had made this decision and it was placed with my will. it was a tough decision but one that if in the future i decide to change things the will can always be changed

A lovely idea, leaving the money to the grandchildren..