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We were fortunate with my mother in that she had a place in a not-for-profit home run by a charity which made it a lot more affordable than some.

My nan has been living in a care home run by the local housing association for the last three years. She has her own little self contained accommodation with living room, small kitchen area, bedroom and shower room. She has lots of friends and they have lots of activities from movie nights to bingo to quiz night, it's definitely the best decision she made and I think all care homes should be more like this.

I have one carer every morning after having a stroke around nine months. The vast majority of the carers are very good and kind. I would be lost without their hope and think they do a great job.

My mum developed Alzheimer's, slowly deteriorating from around 85 years old. She had always been an intelligent independent person, and it was horrendous seeing her revert to being a confused and clingy child. She definitely did not want to go into a care home, so my brother and I paid private carers to look after her during the day while we were at work, we found that Social Services were well-meaning but lacked the resources to help us very much. When she finally became immobile, we bought a hoist (second hand from Gumtree) as we were able to go and collect it the same day, whereas we couldn't get an appointment with her Social worker for assessment for at least a week. The hoist was a godsend when it came to helping her onto the commode and into bed safely and without risk of falling, or damaging my back. I ended up sleeping in her spare room for the last few weeks of her life, as she deemed to be unfit to be left alone at night, and we were determined to keep our promise to keep her in her own home. One night she passed away peacefully in her sleep aged 90, and the shock when I found her in the morning was tinged with relief that it was over. It took a significant toll on my own mental wellbeing but I am so glad that I didn't give in to pressure to put her in a care home as although she was confused, she still recognised me and my brother, and she knew she was still in the home that she had lived in for many years. Care homes are the right environment for some people but not for everyone, so more support should be given to assist relatives for caring for their loved ones in their own homes.

My Elder brother is in care and has been for 20 years. We have found it hi and miss. We sometimes have a wonderful carerer for him , who treats him like a human being. othertimes we have had someone who treats him like a child , embarresses him by saying out loud what accidents he may have had and listening in to my conversations with him and even talking over him (putting words in his mouth) This has happened with a few carers . But he likes it there, thankfully he's savy enough to tell us if anything is wrong, but I wish it wasn't so worrying!

I appreciate that CQC are there to guide us and there are lots of dedicated carers out there working for agencies that supply home care. Unfortunately I still feel that it is all about making money by the people owning the care agencies and they quite often manage to pull off good inspections when in fact their care and procedures followed in the home are decidedly lacking. Both my in laws have required care over the past eight years and we have been involved with two agencies, the latter as it was the one that could provide care at the time slots needed. There have been missed calls, late calls, lack of rotas provided, unknown carers turning up to deliver quite personal care and yet CQC have passed them with flying colours. These elderly people are at the mercy of such care agencies to keep them in their home and I do not believe the service is up to scratch.

I think this is a great resource. It's reassuring to know that this exists after hearing such concerning reports at a time when things can be overwhelming for worried families.

My mother was in a private residential care home. N.B. I had visited eleven care homes before settling on this one which seemed to the best of the bunch by far.
1. Mum needed help to walk to the elevator to get to the dining room upstairs for meals. Unless I was there to take her she was left in her room ALONE ALL DAY. I asked the manager if she would ensure my mother was taken to the dining room for meals and company and although the manager promised to arrange this, it did not happen.
2. My mother needed help to get dressed but more often than not I found her in her still in her nightdress at tea-time. The manager , a Registered Nurse, said she was UNAWARE of this when I spoke with her. She should have been aware and instructed staff accordingly.
3. There were 2 care assistants on the night shift. I had no idea that of them was abusive. Fortunately the other care worker (to whom I was extremely grateful) blew the whistle on the abusive one and the incident(s) was reported to Social Services. The social worker phoned me at 8 am and imparted this dreadful. dreadful news. To think that my ill, weak and defenceless mother was abused still brings tears to my eyes.
I think frequent RANDOM CHECKS day and night by CQC or some other independent body are essential because people in care homes are extremely vulnerable.
I had been awaiting a place at another home for 6 months for my Mum. I immediately contacted the manager there and told him about the abuse. Very kindly he offered Mum a place immediately by allowing her to jump the queue in view of the circumstances. Here, I am pleased to say, my mother received excellent care by a devoted team of staff until her death 2 years later.

I cared for my Mum when my Dad died suddenly. I was 24, in a long term relationship and working and living in the UK, but I dropped everything and went back to Ireland. I moved back to the UK after my Mum died 2 years later, and have lived here since. My children have now also emigrated and I'm a widow, so I'm terrified of what will happen if I need to go into care. I'm saving up just in case as I wouldn't expect my children to come back and look after me. I adored my Mum and glad I was there for her, but it was a huge responsibility and a burden I wouldn't want them to endure.

Choosing residential care is a daunting experience but it can have a positive outcome..
In 2011 my mum was diagnosed with dementia. Mum continued to live in her own home with daily support from carers and myself but her situation deteriorated rapidly over the next year..
we had to move fast in finding the right place to care for her. I was hopeful we’d find a suitable place for mum, though I didn’t expect to find somewhere nice, but having talked to friends, family & people who already had relatives in there, also the staff were friendly and informative and the manager put my mind at rest immediately.

In the imminent weeks mum settled in quickly, I was amazed to see the loneliness and anxiety she had suffered slipping away, it was lovely to see her enjoying being around other people.
It’s made the world of difference to my life too. I didn’t have much of a life when mum lived alone, there was so much to do for her and I was constantly worrying. Now I know that her care, medication and appointments are being taken care of I can relax a little but I am still made to feel involved, which, as a daughter, is important. I can make suggestions and talk to the staff anytime; they’re never too busy for you..

My ancient, reclusive Uncle had a bad fall in the street, landed up in hospital and was later diagnosed as having had a stroke which caused the fall. A neighbour notified us (his nieces) and we tried our best to help. He was discharged to a NHS respite facility and was desperate to return home, trying to 'escape' and begging us to help him. This was just not feasible because of his physical state and the complete shambles that his Council flat was in. We had no idea things had got so bad, had tried to keep in touch but Uncle had refused to let us into his home or visit us at ours.

The Social Worker was marvellous, able to win Uncle's trust and so between us we persuaded him to give a LA run care home in my village a try. It took another 6 months and some more attempts to escape before he eventually accepted the inevitable and began to admit that he quite liked being in the home, enjoyed the food, doing a bit in the garden, keep fit and dancing, going for walks and outings. His general health improved enormously and both we and he came to enjoy our visits.

He was given another lease of life and survived an extra 9 happy years, mainly thanks to the kind, caring and professional staff in the well run home - all funded via his state pension and benefits as he had no assets of his own.

My wife works with health care and a union and comes across a few worrying things about some private care homes through her union

My mum was diagnosed with Karsokoff's disease, a form of dementia, which meant she needed a specialist care home. With no funds of her own, the closest place our local adult services could find with a placement was 70 miles away, meaning I could not keep a watchful eye on her care. Several years later, Mum suffered a major stroke while living at this care home. The hospital stated this was not her first and had probably suffered 2 minor strokes which had not been treated. Due to her change in care needs, she was moved to a nursing home under the same company and her care went downhill from there. The worst issue I had been made aware of was a fall she had had. When I questioned this, I was told she had been taken back to her room in her wheelchair and left there, in the wheelchair which she was not strapped into, for an hour before anyone checked on her again. In this time, she had attempted to get up to go to the toilet and had fallen, causing major bruising to her body. A few months later, she was rushed to hospital with pneumonia and passed away. I still question myself at to whether I should have got her out of there and found somewhere closer to home, where I could have kept on eye on the care she was receiving.

My experiences date back over ten years as my Mum died in 2008 but for what it's worth .....
I must point out Mum was simply 'elderly frail' - she was completely 'with-it' with no dementia.
On several occasions Mum had spent a week or so in a care home so that we could have a respite break. Each time she had a lovely room and was happy there so when the time came and permanent care was needed it was her first choice.
The 'permanent' room she had was basically a cupboard and she had to share a toilet; promises of a better room never happened; she told me she had a fall one night (no complaint these things happen) but we were never informed by the staff and when I queried this with the manager I was told "We can't contact relatives every time a resident falls as it happens all the time" Mum wasn't normally a 'falls risk'
The final straw came after the home had been closed for a week with norovirus - I called to leave a bag of pressies etc. as we couldn't go in and was told they had just reopened so we could go up to see Mum. We excitedly went into her room to be met with an horrendous stench - she had used her commode for 'big jobbies' Mum was sat in her chair with her tray f tea and cakes etc. on her lap!
I questioned Mum who told me she had used the commode a while ago and the carer who brought her tray in said she couldn't remove it as she was food-handling. I accept that but ...
a) the tray should not have been left until the commode had been removed
and b) the carer should have called someone else to deal with the commode. She obviously had not done that as after a while we 'buzzed' for a carer. Eventually one came in, stood in the stinking room and asked what we wanted!
Unbelieveable!
Needless to say Mum was moved as soon as we could - in fact the day we took her to look at an alternative home she refused to leave the new place! That was on a Bank Holiday Monday which is a long story for another day!

Just check the 'Independent living?!' thread for real life examples.
I started it because I was so shocked at the plight of my neighbour but it took on a life of its own.

A friend of mine has just been telling me about her shift at a home yesterday, through an agency.
The residents were taken to the breakfast tables in the morning, and stayed there until they went to bed.
No thought to put them into a comfy armchair, and 'too busy' ensuring all the other stuff was done: making beds and so on.
Absolutely disgusting, but she won't tell me the name of the place!!

My mum is 96 this year and has always said she wants to stay in her own home, which she is still doing. But during the past 6 years has been getting much less mobile and memory very confused. We found her first Care Co through recommendation of the local AGEUK. To begin with all seemed fine. That changed rapidly over the next year or two! The owners of the company never went out to clients themselves or answered the many emails with our concerns. Staff 'turnover' was massive and mum never knew who was coming most of the time..apart from two or three really nice caring ladies. The situation became horrible with all the lack of communication/visits and one time was left for 16 hrs without a drink! We then did lots of research again and found another Care Company who had started 2 years before and had obviously not been around when we originally were looking. They are a breath of fresh air!! FLO'S FRIENDS in Boston Lincs. The owner, Amy is 'hands on' answers any email/calls immediately and she and her lovely staff go 'beyond' and above mum's needs. When mum was seriously ill in hosp recently, it was Amy who went to a&e ahead of the blue lighted ambulance..sadly..mum's wishes on DNR or ours as a family were NOT adhered to and they 'revived' her at 95 yrs old!! But, after we complained, a DNR was suddenly put in place within hours. We are thankful to have the present Care Co as we are now 'picking up the pieces' of lack of communication between ourselves, the hosp + 'social care' and having to find more funds to ensure mum stays safe after her two falls...this is not easy or accessible quickly!! Even though we have discovered she is entitled to a Adult Community Care Assessment..was assured it would be 'fast tracked' but so far not a word on the date!! Energies have to always be given chasing up everything and if you dare to question the establishment..wow betide you!! Did invite to come and see for 24 hrs in mum's house how she was in reality...nobody taken that up...surprise!!! Just praying if myself and husband need care in our own house, that things have rapidly changed with some lateral and radical thinking..needs to be in next 20 years!!

Just check the 'Independent living?!' thread for real life examples. I started it because I was so shocked at the plight of my neighbour but it took on a life of its own.

Can I add my support to Jane 10s advice? There's a wealth of examples on the thread she mentions, some good but most not so good, direct experience from GN members.

I have suggested to GNHQ that this thread is too valuable to be sidelined. The information in it should feed into policy development.

My mil had been diagnosed with PSP which is a rare disease that is very similar to Parkinson's, except that instead of shaking, she froze... and would fall...a LOT. My fil was her main caregiver with my sil filling in the gaps. We had been abroad and were not fully apprised of the situation.

Having recently returned to the UK, we were trying to catch our breath completely unaware of what was unfolding in regards to my mil's care. Fair enough... we hadn't been there!

My fil had a long awaited and very much deserved holiday planned for two weeks away. She had gotten to the point where it was far too dangerous to leave her alone. My sil was working and simply not able to do the full time care required. They had been looking at care homes for about 6 months, knowing that the trip was coming, but also with an eye to the not too distant future where she would need full time professional care that my aging file would not be able to manage on his own.

They settled on a very very very nice care facility. It was quite a distance from her home so daily visits from friends and family would be impossible to manage, but it was the nicest one they had seen. There was the hair stylist and the outings and the events and the nice restaurant!

But, it wasn't long into the stay that the reality hit. She had lost her ability to speak and as she drooled uncontrollably, she was too embarrassed to be with strangers. Also, she wasn't good at asking for help which resulted in quite a few falls in her first days. She hadn't been entirely forthcoming with her difficulties. In addition, because of her speech issues, the carers didn't always understand what she wanted. To be fair she was very confusing in her attempts to communicate. If someone asked a question, she might shake her head no, but then attempt to explain what she did want... Which was likely what had been proposed. She was embarrassed by her eating challenges so never went to the restaurant. Or the outings or the daily activities. She stopped eating and quickly lost weight because she didn't like the food.

We had decided to come and visit after talking to her on the phone and finally understanding the gravity of the situation. My husband asked her if she wanted to go home and she did. We set about looking after her.

What started out as a stop gap respite situation, quickly revealed that we were desperately needed. We took over her full time care. I managed her medical needs, which came to involve a stomach tube. My husband managed keeping her as fit as she could be and helping her move from room to room. The whole family became a great team. Everyone worked together.

I soon realized that I could do really hard things. I had never considered myself the type of person that could be a carer for someone else. Neither did I know that when it came down to it, I was able to administer CPR on two different occasions.

We cared for her until her passing 2 and a half years after we arrived. Her original prognosis after diagnosis was 5-7 years... She lived 14!! The doctors were stunned. The day prior to her passing, her friends and grandchildren had been over for a visit. She had been on the cross trainer ( she was so fit for being so ill! We supervised her for safety, but her keeping moving was critical to her longevity) and seemed at peace.

My only advice is that everyone is different and it is important to consider the full context of the situation and all concerned. We were able and willing to move in and take over care. But not all can. And not all people want to be cared for by family.

Reported.

This is about the 10th resurrected thread I’ve reported this morning.