Travel and disability - time to give up?

Enable Holidays are very helpful. We went to San Sebastian and also Jersey with them. My husband is paraplegic. You are always on duty as the carer.

MamaB247 I was actually going to ask @Daisymae if her husband is perhaps entitled to a foldable electric mobility scooter if he is on PIP. This is what I am going to apply for when my walking gets worse than it is now.

I take my hat of to you @DaisyMae. I think you absolutely deserve a holiday and having a break from doing all the work at home. Pushing a wheelchair I can imagine must be hard work, especially on gravel or even up a small hill. If your husband had a scooter though, you wouldn't need to push him anywhere, and he might enjoy riding it and getting a bit of independence back himself. He probably feels awful that you are having to do everything as it is, so this would help both of you in different ways, as your DH wouldn't be reliant on you pushing him everywhere, and you would have that bit of freedom back from having the hard work of pushing him about.
If you feel that you can no longer go on a holiday anymore, I do urge you to look into some of the places others have suggested to you, before making your final decision. Have you asked your DH how he feels about all this? Sit down and discuss how you feel to him, and hopefully you will both come up with an amicable solution to all this. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide Daisymae.

I so hope you find a way to still go and have a change of scenery. Avoiding gravel and sand, for sure. When you have had a good rest, look at the options where suitable accomodation, with support, is available. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for all the responses, food for thought there. We do have a hoist for the car, there's no way I could manage the mobility scooter. For those asking about my DH, he did enjoy the break but is aware of some of the strain I feel. I do think that we will need fully accessible accommodation should we go away again. The other issue is our dog who is really elderly so we do need to take her along! I will look at all the options. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

As I am part disabled due to both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, getting somewhere to stay without stairs is almost impossible, we now use Premier Inn which offers ground floor assistance rooms, bigger than the standard rooms and a choice of either lowered bath with over head shower or a wet room room ideal for wheelchair users . There is always a restaurant/pub next door which does breakfast, lunch and evening meals…
The P.I staff are always very helpful and will help with luggage etc and also make sure you are ok . Check out time is 12noon so saves rushing in the morning and means you can have breakfast before leaving.Free parking on site or a car park nearby which they offer discount for ..
Well worth looking at , we will always use them when we can which is fairly often, good prices too ..

Daisymae - I'm sorry for your predicament, and I do understand what it's like to push a wheelchair on gravel, rough ground and sand - I took my disabled mother three times a year to our holiday home in southern Europe until she was 90 and it got too much, but two things were different from your situation - I had my much older husband who helped but not massively, and I understood that the plane trip was too much for my mother as she was confused with that part of the journey. You don't mention your DH's thoughts about the holiday - have you asked his opinion? He might be going along with the holiday plans believing he's helping you so maybe you should involve him, let him know you end up exhausted. One suggestion that's already been made is to get all your meals delivered, and if you do your research you might get an air bnb close to a breakfast/brunch diner. As another thought, could you take someone else with you who could help. Yes these things will cost money, but in the last three years of travelling with my mother it was worth it to pay for the flights and meals of an elderly relative who was fit enough to help and also happy to keep my mother company so that we could go out and this might be something that would allow you to go on a peaceful walk with your dog by yourself. My advice is that if you absolutely don't feel you can continue then don't but if there's the slightest chance you can keep this bit of your normal life going, try your best.

Just had to put in a good word here for Merton House Hotel at Ross on Wye. I think its subsidised by Rotary Club. They will pick you up from home in an adapted minibus, can provide help with care and run twice daily trips out. The minibus drivers are amazing and offer to push wheelchairs up slopes etc so the disabled person gets the best experience.
Also evening entertainment .
Though I understand the OP feeling its not really a holiday for her and like others have said maybe she needs to take a break herself.Without feeling guilty. Caring is no easy job !!

We have finished having holidays even nights away.; Both our mobility are badly affected but it is sleeping in a different bed which for us is the worst. We always end up with severe back ache despite booking the best hotels with reasonable mattresses and bedding. Also the Insurance when you are under treatment is horrendous at our ages. We are sad but have decided that sadly that is how it is. We have done a lot of holidays so have enjoyed some fabulous times away. I will miss the sunshine more than anything, but also the change of scenery which always invigorates me. I fully understand where you are coming from, when it becomes such hard work and effort surely it is time to stop.

I have a hoist for my mother's wheelchair in my car because I found lifting it in and out of the car. Would you be able to have one fitted which will lift an electric chair so it isn't always you doing the lifting and pushing. Is it time to trade your car in for a WAV. There are some very good companies out there who will help source a car for your needs if you are able to afford one. Coping with disability is so much easier if you have the right tools.

revitalise.org.uk/about-us/our-history/

The Winged fellowship, which someone mentioned, has changed name to "Revitalise". They still aim to help the disabled and their carers to have holidays. See the above link for details.

Best of luck in the future.

I have also given up the idea of holidays for me and my Dh. The last foreign holiday we had was 2019.
He has dementia, he no longer wants to go anyway. But the stress of going on holiday would be too much for me to cope with.
We did go to Devon in 2020, as soon as we got there he said I’m not coming here again , it’s too far. And he was like a fish out of water. At least I can cope at home.

I know it's hard and I struggle too. Mobility issues and blind in one eye but I feel you have to make the most of the later years in our life before it ends. I still manage to go fishing. I run a car boot stall for charity every Sunday and I have two holidays planned for when my son comes out of the army. Yes, it's difficult but it really is worth making that effort.

One of my uncles became gradually more and more disabled and he would go into a care home for a couple of weeks every so often in order to give my aunt some respite. She didn't necessarily go away but it gave her some much needed resr.

Have you heard of this company?
discover.limitlesstravel.org/uk/disabled-friendly-holidays/?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=11908852002&utm_keyword=wheelchair%20holidays%20uk&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5f2lBhCkARIsAHeTvlhFlM3pM8XMvhwItxZTmoayUbpZsXeMJKeyTn15XFIqXyr_uj2QmB4aArgkEALw_wcB&gad=1

Just popped back to suggest this could be a good opportunity to ask yourselves if you need more day to day help (not holidays) to aid your DH and take the pressure off yourself? Assume your DH gets AA and you CA, which could go towards care costs.

Have you considered asking family or a friend who would be able to help with your husband going on holiday with you, you pay for them to go as an incentive?
It's just a thought my sister's husband is a C4 quadriplegic and he has to have 24/7 care, my sister does the night shift and he has carers during the day which means my sister gets to do all the usual housewife jobs, shopping cooking cleaning and laundry. She has always insisted they have a holiday every year and one of her husband's day carers accompanies them, so they get to go to different places and my sister and her lovely hubby get a break too.
Just a thought it seems such a shame that you have to forego a much needed holiday/break, you should approach your local support group you'd be surprised how helpful they can be.

A sad post Daisymae and it does sound as if you’ve had enough. I think an honest talk with your DH is needed - are you ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’ so to speak? Does he just want a change of scenery and would he consider a week’s residential care somewhere to give you a break? Could you go off with a friend/relative for a few days. Is Warner’s an option?
DD2, a full time wheelchair user and I have just returned from Barcelona - airports are always a hassle, but with few other problems (compared to the OP) she intends to continue her travels for as long as she can. Seville in August and Majorca in September, but good luck to her.

Because of disabled husband (27 years !) …I /we haven’t been on holiday in 17 years….his choice , not mine! Now he’s gone into full time care after my third stroke . I hate holidays ….took the kids when they were little of course but as soon as they said “ no “ to going with us ( about 15) I was pleased.
All that hassle ….husband absolutely no help …. coming back to heaps of washing /ironing thinking I needed a good break from it all . Hate them. Give them the old heave-ho …you won’t regret or miss them.

Have you considered the Warners Classic Hotels? They have ground floor rooms, plenty of wheelchairs, activities taking place every day and in the evening, reasonably good meals all prepared, rooms with good walk in showers - they are situated in many places in the country. Perhaps have a look at their website.

My daughter is very disabled, won`t leave the house at all now. She can`t walk, or stand, at all, and can`t feed herself, apart from with finger food, also can`t wash or dress herself. I`ve thought for a while now that holidays are out of the question, can`t afford to take a carer along as well, she has 2 carers 4 times a day, plus 2 during the night. I`m 80, and not very able myself.

@Daisymae is your husband too disabled to use a mobility scooter or electric wheelchair? If not, it could be an absolute game changer for you.

I too have walking difficulties and agree with Foxygloves comments and could recommend a stay at a Warners Leisure Hotel - bed, breakfast and evening meal.

I use a mobility scooter as do quite a few other guests and the grounds are lovely and suitable for wheelchairs. They organise activities that take place outside and inside the hotel, so never a dull moment but it can be as peaceful and as quiet as you like. I use a mobility scooter for transporting in a car boot and book a first floor room with a wet room and patio.

Oh dear I sound like an advert for Warners! but I really do hope you can give them a try. I've just returned from a holiday with them and have been a few times before . All the staff are very helpful and there is assistance when you arrive with your luggage so you do not have to struggle taking it from your car to your room.

However I do agree that if you feel it is time to call it a day then you must go with your thoughts, but that would be a shame. Having a holiday should not be exhausting work, we all could do with a break from the usual routines no matter how long it might be.

My friend had a husband with Alzheimer’s . She used to hire a caregiver to go on holiday with them . It was well worth the money.

Maybe you could try reminiscences instead? Do you have any physical reminders of previous holidays - photos, souvenirs? How about digging up some memories: "do you remember the time we went to..." etc and reliving some episodes?

DaiseyMae, it sounds to me as if you have reached the point where giving it up would be the right thing for you.

How does your husband feel about it?

If he too honestly prefers being at home, sleeping in his own bed etc. then yes, the time has come to give it up.

Perhaps if you don't have the strain and stress of a holiday away from home, you and he can go out for a day occasionally.

If on the other hand, he still wants to go away, for a change or for your sake, the matter is more complicated.

In either case I think you need to tell him honestly that it is getting too much for you, and see what you and he can work out together.

Right now, DH is talking gleefully of a holiday in Budapest or Prague next year, but unless he is far fitter and stronger then than he is now (unlikely) I don't see it happening, but am biding my time not wanting to put a wet blanket on his dreams. So I sympathise with you both.