Career Burnout Help

Mollie how upsetting for you and him. I'm at a complete loss TBH, what about seeking advice from a reputable life coach? Even if just to advise 're work-life balance?

I saw a poster recently that said "Find your passion and you will find your purpose". Does he have a passion that he could pursue for a possible career change?

Sorry to hear your DH is suffering mollie. A couple of,our friends are at the same stage and have just had enough too.

Depending what his interests/hobbies are, is there anything there that could actually take him in a different direction employmentwise?

Maybe a good place to start would be to do a thorough review of your finances Mollie. Can you afford to take a drop in income? Is there a large mortgage to pay? What about his pension, possible early retirement? Do you work? Is the present job affecting his health? Does he need to seek help with that? Could you downsize and reduce overheads? Relocate to a less expensive area? Such a lot of factors come into it but you need to have a clear picture before you can develop a strategy.

Once you do have a clear picture of your position then you can decide if you can afford for him to seek a less stressful job - maybe in the voluntary sector? Or in a field combining something he enjoys with a job. Or part-time?

Can you do this review together so that he feels your support and encouragement? It's not always easy for men who get it into their heads that they can't admit to any problem and see it as weakness and failure.

Sorry this seems to be just a lot of questions, Mollie. I'm just trying to note down how I would tackle it - you may have a different approach of course but I wish you well with whatever you do.

When we sold the lease on our pub/restaurant in 1998 I was only 51 but completely exhausted. Retirement seemed so far away. I was two thirds of the way through a horticultural diploma so we invested in a large greenhouse and I built up a small nursery and garden design business. It was never going to generate enough money to keep us as we still had a mortgage on our smallholding but it saved my sanity. DH got a job lorry driving which took him up to retirement and when I was ready to go back to full time work I was lucky enough to land my dream job teaching Food Technology. I even worked four years past retirement age.

Along the way I met quite a few people who were desperate for a change in direction due to career burn out. I think you have to go with your instincts even though the thought of being without a healthy salary can be terrifying.

Good luck to your OH. Don't despair!

Thank you everyone, very wise words and much appreciated. It's all so complicated because any discussion, however gentle, about 'what next?' just ends in frustration as he has no ideas and lots of fears. Retirement is out of the question although we'd cope with a drop in income of course. It might mean selling up etc. but I wouldn't mind that but he'd hate it, not the loss of the house but the change and the disruption - he's a gentle soul who's so out of his comfort zone now and it's awful to see. Thanks again...

We took some pretty "mad" decisions in our time that caused financial risk - OH retiring at 42 (and just doing locums), me leaving my career and retaining as a photographer and doing that and freelance choir leading - all crazy really. We had children to support. We downsized and squashed up a bit - we never regretted our decisions, although I am sure that people thought we were bonkers.

In the end we went for quality of life now on the grounds that if we carried on we would probably drop dead the day we retired.

It is about priorities and living your life and not someone elses.

I do hope that he manages to stand back and look at the situation and find the right route for him. Soldiering on when burnt out is a hiding to nothing really.

Good luck.

What kind of IT skills does he have? it is a very wide field. It is also hard to make concrete suggestions without knowing his current salary level.
Would you like to PM me mollie?

Molllie I can tell you are suffering for him. I have no solution to offer, but I'm sure you are going to make his long weekend as stress free and fun as possible. Things can look very black when you're tired and overworked.

Perhaps he might be open to having a little discussion in a general sort of way about the long term future, sort of 'when we retire' .... and then over the weeks start to look at shorter term solutions?

He sounds like a lovely man and you obviously care about him very much.

There are a lot of technophobes like me that need help with computers and suchlike [I've just had something from TalkTalk that I have to set up and I've no idea how to do it]. Could he do something like that in a self employed sort of way? Is he a practical person? I know people that left their careers and do work on peoples homes/gardens etc.

What a horrid situation Mollie.

DH wanted to opt out but found that it worked for him to no longer own his own business but to work for other people (a bit like *Mishap's DH) This enabled him to build up a speciality practice that he enjoys so much he is still working at almost 69, albeit part-time.

I hope you can have a productive chat with your DH and help him to find the way forward. Good advice from gaga.

Thanks all. I have lots of ideas and am willing to do or try anything if it improves the situation for him but really it's all down to him and right now he just wants to 'have a nice weekend and not think about work'. Or the future. Head in sand, as usual. Love him always but he can be very frustrating...

Anyway, thank you again.

to be realistic starting something knew at 56 is unlikely to generate anywhere near as much income as now.

It sounds to me as if he is so depressed that any suggestion will be met with negativity so I suggest a visit to the GP for a start.

Is it the work or something else about his job which is causing stress? I rather think that if he has been in IT for a long time he knows what he is doing and can probably cope with all the changes day to day because he has always done so. It may be hard to admit that he has a problem with a colleague or his boss because he may feel that shows weakness but if there is something wrong then a chat with someone in the HR department might be a good idea. It is quite possible that if he is working for a large enough company he could be transferred to something else which might be less stressful.

Like others I suggest you get good financial advice, psychological & or medical help (low level drugs for a while can help people make better use of psych help), a review of what you each/both want from your lives. If you know where you are, have a few dreams of where you want to be you'll find it easier to plan a way forward. Act as if your dreams can be true & you may find the reality on the way there. Get some help to stabilise his situation now so he is able to think ahead rationally but then get out before he's so bad that moving forward becomes difficult. It's harder to get another job if out of work completely so take a lower paid/ lower stress job as an interim while he sorts his life out. If he moves to another 'big' job too soon he may just collapse again. Assess your real, basic needs, whether you can add more to the loss of income if really needed & go for it. When I was in a bad way I set myself 3 questions I really wanted to answer which gave me a goal & a reason to go out & ask questions of people. In the end I based my new career on one of them & the contacts I made researching it. If he has to leave the job encourage him to stay engaged with the world even if it's going for a short walk each day &, if fit enough, by e.g. offering his services for a fee on a local level or in voluntary work (most charities need people with IT skills though he may want a complete change). When my husband wasn't good & made redundant he managed to earn as much as when in a job just by (legally) moving what money we had around to make it work hard for us until he found a different role - may appeal to an IT person.
I don't believe I've ever come across a person like him who several years later wasn't pleased they'd made a change, even if not easy on the way. Plenty who are sad they didn't though.