Sexual harassment by men to women

I believe harrassment can happen for various reasons. Your best guide to being aware of a predator is your own intuition, your gut feeling at the time. It has served me well all my life.

I have always just felt that a man who "tries something on with a woman" usually does it as a kind of compliment.

If I felt no desire to encourage them, I made this clear.

If a man couldn't or wouldn't take the hint, I took whatever action I felt suited the situation.

I have frequently told men to mind their tongues or that their language was disgusting, asked them to keep their hands to themselves and so on, If they really wouldn't comply a good slap on the face usually worked, or if we were at work, a complaint to the man's immediate superior.

Why bother trying to explain these men's behaviour to yourself?

They are bad-mannered, selfish boors, pure and simple.

In my experience, men who have no boundaries are literally chancing their luck to see who responds and who doesn’t, so they can take it further. I came across a “groper” and I said to him “you have inappropriately touched me, I’m making a note of this, date and time, and who was present at the time” his face was a picture ….. and I encouraged my female staff to do likewise …… he soon stopped.

EEJit

Of course a man can control himself if he wants, and I say that as a man. In my 70+ years I have known several women that I have taken a fancy to, I married two of them.

Hopefully, i have treated all of them with the respect they deserved, and didn't make a nuisance of myself.

Having said that, given what appears to be today's definition of harassment, I may have overstepped the mark occasionally by putting my arm around females, not just those i fancied, with no other intent than being friendly.

Different times

I am in the same age group as you and dislike being touched by "friends" and would not have tolerated it ever. I would have politely removed myself and been less polite if the offender had persisted. its not just today's definition, just that women now are generally more "allowed" to be assertive. I have to say that I was brought up to find being assertive not a problem!

Of course a man can control himself if he wants, and I say that as a man. In my 70+ years I have known several women that I have taken a fancy to, I married two of them.

Hopefully, i have treated all of them with the respect they deserved, and didn't make a nuisance of myself.

Having said that, given what appears to be today's definition of harassment, I may have overstepped the mark occasionally by putting my arm around females, not just those i fancied, with no other intent than being friendly.

Different times

This used to happen to me until my, now adult, daughter pointed out to me how 'nice' I was being to men I had just met. Being brought up to be a 'people pleaser' I hadn't cottoned on to the fact that some men (not all I hasten to add) take any pleasant chat as a come on! Have learnt my lesson now...

I think that some men act like this for a variety of reasons...entitlement, narcissism, a displacement of responsibility, their own morality (or lack of), objectification of women, dominance.

I also find it interesting that quite often, nobody within a group of men will challenge the behaviour.
I saw this last year when out for a meal. A group of men (all appeared in their 50's / 60's), it appeared to be a birthday celebration from what I could overhear. One of them made several sexual comments to the waitress, the rest all found this highly amusing although it was obvious that the comments were upsetting.
They were drinking - none appeared to be 'drunk' although perhaps that's just my opinion.
As I left, I actually said to the group that I hoped they wouldn't be unhappy about a man speaking to their partner / daughter in that way.....only two had the good grace to look embarrassed!

I think it's power related, they are trying to dominate to make themselves feel superior Imo

Isn't a main reason the desire or need to feel powerful in some aspect of their life, especially if they have no assets to be proud of. ( Even men with high flying jobs can still feel low self esteem - especially if they have a powerful wife!)
I'm not condoning their behaviour - just trying to understand it.

I'm sorry but if he'd touched my bum he'd have had a knee to the groin or slapped face at least, especially if in public

OnwardandUpward

I heard my boss referring to a man who "cannot" control himself around a woman so cannot be alone with that woman. I must admit, I've always thought that men could control themselves if they wanted to.

I bet he could control himself around a woman who could sack him!

Well, I think that in many ways it is coincidental seeing as the situation with my husband has been going on for twenty years, although telling my husband of the harassment that I reported did result in my husband's "confession", which I already wrote about.

What do I hope the counselling will achieve?
Well it's always good to talk in a safe, confidential and professional environment about things you would not tell people. I know it can provide clarity and help to reframe things. It can be helpful to feel that your feelings are understood and validated. It's always good to grow as a person and to learn new skills to help your relationships grow.

What do you hope the counselling will achieve? It seems very relevant that both threads are about sex - one about the lack of it and the other about being sexually harassed.

Advice is appreciated but I have deliberately not shared anything here that is private information about myself or maybe others, such as workplace procedures or my career direction. I already explained the very genuine reasons why I won't be sharing, so trying to guess is not going to work.

Thankyou for saying that I am not saying anything untoward.

I suppose I will accept the fact that I need to continue with the counselling.

You are a poster that has been on this forum for a while, so I wouldnt have thought you are saying anything untoward.

I am wondering if you are working in a sector like social care, or maybe special needs?

Whatever it is, there must be workplace procedures surely.

So what if I started two threads?

shock horror TWO threads? Is it that unheard of?

I am seeing a counsellor, so I am working through things in a nice dignified and respectful way. Advice is appreciated, but rude comments saying I seem confused and the judgement saying that the two threads are about * s e x * are not really appreciated, polite, kind (or necessary)

I don’t wish to obtain private information and I am not fascinated, curious or highly invested in whatever information you may or may not choose to reveal. You have started two threads, one about your marital problems and the other about sexual harassment at work. Without more information nobody can give further advice about either, but rest assured that I have no interest as you don’t really seem to want advice, and I will not comment further.

Also, to anyone else who asked my line of work - if I wanted to say, I would have. This is meant to be an anonymous forum and it that's very obviously going to fail if people start talking about their actual careers and outing themselves. As we know, some people's posts have been quoted in the newspapers so I'd have to be an actual idiot to spell it out and anyone asking me to should feel like one for thinking I would.

The soaps are on later. Hope you'll enjoy them.

You really take the biscuit with your strange judgements and attempts to obtain private information GSM. There is no way I intend sharing my private information on a public forum, thankyou very much!

I have chosen what I wanted to share and appreciate the kind comments. I would like to point out that I am not in any way confused, though you seem to be strangely fascinated and curious, highly invested in information which isn't going to be forthcoming or revelatory to myself.

"She" can say what she likes. And not say what she doesn't like. Any more rudeness from you and you'll be reported GSM.

It seems that OP wishes to create intrigue but won’t elaborate on her very odd work environments, which include sexual assaults by other women and an emotional job in which it’s normal to hug. Her husband doesn’t want an intimate relationship. Perhaps that leads to fantasising about other people’s ‘approaches’? I really don’t understand but she won’t find the answer to her marital problems here - I think she already knows the answer. You stay or you go.

Oooh two common themes, you say Meryl??? Oooh is that a GN "crime" ?

I should add, I am already having counselling and there is much more that GN does not know.

Well you may all be "intrigued" for a long time and perhaps if some people did more exercise doing things that didn't involve jumping to conclusions maybe I would have shared more.

MerylStreep

We now have two threads by the OP. Sex is the common denominator in both 🤔

Very odd.

I know sexual harassment can occur in the workplace and it is more of a power thing but surely can be dealt with by a mature, older woman and, if a constant, then it's time to look for another job in a less emotional environment.

I'm intrigued about what constitutes an emotional environment.

MerylStreep

We now have two threads by the OP. Sex is the common denominator in both 🤔

I am on both threads.
I thought I recognised the name on this one. But didnt find out, or connect it, with the other thread.

Thanks. The OP seems thoroughly confused.