Unpleasant employee stressing me out

Do you think the OP is still reading this thread?
I think not.

Running a business of course requires dealing very dynamically with difficult situations and, to be frank, I think your husband needs to be reminded of that. An employee who alienates other workers (and possibly customers?) is not an employee, (s)he's a liability. And you are a worker, albeit unpaid, so you deserve to be defended from this just as any other staff member would be.
The problem needs to be addressed firmly by someone assertive (hate that word, it's SO over-used, but it's apt here) who isn't afraid of ruffling feathers. That could be your husband or someone else whom he trusts to make a sensitive and fair job of it.
From what you say, it seems that this employee should never have been taken back on the payroll. However, since that has happened and you can't put the clock back, there are only two options left: either immediate dismissal (with the required compensations) or the usual process of firm warnings (verbal, then written, and finally, if necessary, thanks-and-goodbye).
Going back to your personal feelings about it, is there any way you can step back from DH's business without worrying yourself sick that he'll suffer financial ruin as a result? You say work is being turned away, so an increase in staffing would be useful anyway. It's a very rare staff member who turns out to be irreplaceable, and I don't think this troublemaker is it!

I think he has plans of taking over the company and that doesn't bode well for your son.. In your position I think I would get in a professional to look at all the dynamics of how you run the company and to allow the other employees to have a say in an impartial setting.. Of course his aggression towards you might be warranted (in his opinion) and thus could be dealt with.. either by him leaving or by changes being made.
As your husband obviously doesn't like conflict or making executive decisions I don't think you can solve this problem on your own..

He has to go. If he doesn't your business will fail.
Harmony in the workplace is vital.

A new café manager was employed in
the place where I volunteer. He was OK
with me - I am only on the till -but he quickly fell foul of all the other
staff at least one of whom resigned.

He wanted to change everything and pulled rank on them as he had run a
restaurant before. He also became impatient with our vulnerable volunteers, there are a few.

Then he suddenly left with no warning. He had been offered a job by someone else. What a relief!

I hope you find a good replacement.

I have been in my current job for nearly 30 years and you will always get a bad manager or a work colleague. I've had three line managers, who while not total tyrants, seemed to love the power they had, were always looking for petty faults and were obsessed with micro managing people. It's not on when you're doing an otherwise good job and you're pulled up for not filling in a spreadsheet that can wait until the morning or not ticking a box.
Colleagues have been generally good, but there have been a few exceptions. A couple in more recent years, while decent enough people otherwise, have very strong political views that they love discussing loudly, which isn't on in a job where we are supposed to be impartial in case someone overhears a comment over the phone.

I'm sorry, but you need to get rid of him, has it occurred to you and your husband that he's trying to get all the information that he can and possibly set up his own business? I know that I'm being rather cynical, perhaps you and your son need to get your husband to see what this man is up to.

Thank you

I hope something works out for you.
It's not nice being miserable at work - especially when you are basically helping out.

Has it crossed your mind that this man has designs on your business? Sounds entirely possible.

I have tried to foster an atmosphere where they all can be heard with their ideas. They're a wise group. But this guy, really, always has to know best even when he knows zilch & I know through experience backed up by Google that that's so.He does have some clever ideas which we pick up on, but also has some dangerous ones & his blatant hostility / resentment is wearing.Plus I don't think his vision for what the firm should be matches our vision of what it should be. That's something I'll check out with DH, actually,
Thanks everyone - I'll try WFH if things don't improve, but if he continues stressing out my son, who's one of the cornerstones of the place, it is going to have to be a timely warning I think.
We probably should have sorted regular hours for me from the get-go - at this point I really couldn't face that rigidity as I'm unhappy there.

I agree that this all sounds like it’s getting out of hand.
We have a couple of people I don’t trust, not in a stealing from us way, but I think they try and stir things up. But I wouldn’t for a minute allow anyone to be rude to my face, or to my three children, all working in the company
Why is he lurking about in your office? Where should he be?
I do have sympathy, I just think you need to get your husband on side, and with your son, form a united front, and tell this person you won’t tolerate rudeness
On the other hand, sometimes a fresh pair of eyes sees things which you haven’t, it’s worth at least considering what he says.

Yes , they is he. Qualms about comfidentiality a bit late I guess.

Hitman Yeah!!!

TBH I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. There's no way we'd have put up with this type of behaviour regardless of how important a staff member thought they were.

No one's indispensable and those who think they are, are more dispensable than those who don't.

valdavi

They've known my DH for years in the trade. The crux, this was when they ran their own business,DH first employed them 2 years ago, no, they've always been employed as a workshop professional, paid too much to be back office doing the wages using up to date software, which isn't rocket science.
They realise their communication style upsets others. I have said to them in the past '__ think of what you just said. That could be deemed offensive, I haven't taken offence but I think you ought to be aware' & they've actually apologised, but come back twice as bad. When they left for a better post,managing people, they were told it wasn't working out which is when they came back blagging to my DH & got re-employed.(me & my son didn't know till too late)

Goodness, this person sounds AWFUL!

I have no further advice other than you and your son hiring a hitman, ooops sorry, speaking with your DH.

I am sorry, but who are 'they'? Are you referring to more than one employee? This really does confuse the issue.
Your following post refers to he; is this the difficult employee?

I think we can trust him, we all get this feeling, although he is very nosey, vetting all the email correspondence which sometimes includes from my personal email until I discocciate the account which I do all the time now. He also finds excuses to come in & look over my shoulder when I'm doing accounts, so I have to C+Alt+delete & ask him what he wants. I could work from home, but I like the others & had looked forward to still being in the workplace.

My son is formally an emplyee, has worked there for 14 years, has the qualifications & runs the office on the rare occassions me & DH get a holiday.

They've known my DH for years in the trade. The crux, this was when they ran their own business,DH first employed them 2 years ago, no, they've always been employed as a workshop professional, paid too much to be back office doing the wages using up to date software, which isn't rocket science.
They realise their communication style upsets others. I have said to them in the past '__ think of what you just said. That could be deemed offensive, I haven't taken offence but I think you ought to be aware' & they've actually apologised, but come back twice as bad. When they left for a better post,managing people, they were told it wasn't working out which is when they came back blagging to my DH & got re-employed.(me & my son didn't know till too late)

Cossy

What really needs to happen is someone needs to sit this employee down and have an open and frank discussion, in a pleasant, calm and professional manner.

A good starting point would be to ask them how they feel things are going and how they get on with everyone then ask them if they realise their communication style often upsets others.

Yes. But the someone has to be the proprietor in this case!

I would think that the fact this employee has alienated a few customers was of equal importance to his poor treatment of you and your son. You and your husband have to confront him about his behaviour because it sounds as though he will wreck your business if you don't.
You cannot have an employee criticising your work and telling you how to run your business and demanding a share in the management.
You managed without him before and you need to start the correct procedure for dealing with a difficult employee, very important in his case, I would think; take advice on how to proceed. You cannot allow him to continue like this.

Definitely use CCTV footage or your mobiles voice recorder with those 10 minute rants against you and discuss them with your OH.

What really needs to happen is someone needs to sit this employee down and have an open and frank discussion, in a pleasant, calm and professional manner.

A good starting point would be to ask them how they feel things are going and how they get on with everyone then ask them if they realise their communication style often upsets others.

It’s obviously a very difficult situation for you.

I’m wondering why this employee feels that he ought to have “a say in running the business”? From what you’ve said it sounds as though he has got that impression from somewhere - was it suggested to him at interview that there would be opportunities for promotion?
Has he been like this since he joined the firm or only since you retired?

Does he have an annual review when your husband could ask him how he feels he’s getting on etc?

rosie1959, I don't think valdavi is an owner of the business anymore.

Unfortunately it sounds as though this employee is getting away with unprofessional behaviour because he can. Time for your husband and you to join as owners of the company and tell him that this type of belittling both you and your son is unacceptable and will not be tolerated and he will receive a formal warning if this continues. You are in charge of the company’s financial transactions and quite frankly it’s none of his business