Difficult daughter-in-law? How do you build a positive relationship with her?

If you have a dream daughter-in-law, you could be forgiven for feeling in the minority, given some of the stories we read on the Gransnet forums. One thing’s for sure, if you’re lucky enough to have a lovely DIL, do all you can to keep it that way! Daughter-in-law issues may be in abundance, but they are by no means an inevitable part of being a mother-in-law. And let’s not forget sons-in-law can be equally tricky! But there’s definitely something about the relationship between two women from different families that can occasionally cause difficulties. So, whether it’s your son, or daughter, bringing home a new woman into your lives, how can you ensure that you get along? How can you build (or rebuild) a positive relationship with her? And how can you avoid or deal with any daughter-in-law problems? Here are six ways to connect with your child's partner, plus tips on how you can mend a relationship that's turned sour.

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1. Treat her as you would a daughter

Whether or not your daughter-in-law is the person that you envisioned for your child, it is important to remember that your child makes their own decisions. Try to welcome her into the family, try to get to know her on a personal level, be interested in who she is and her family background, and, above all, be respectful. She’s her own person, not just an add-on to your own son or daughter so show her that you want a relationship with HER.

Be open-minded when you meet her for the first time

If you're meeting a prospective daughter-in-law, someone that your child may be very serious about, her first impression of you will be just as important as your first impression of her. The key is to be open-minded and disregard any initial judgements that you may have, to ensure you get off on the right foot. The likelihood of this running smoothly and without any forced effort on your part will, of course, also depend on the kind of person she is and whether or not she is equally willing to get to know you. However, and this is key, remember you likely have a wealth of experience over her and YOU are the grown-up in the room, so try to set an example and gloss over any initial awkwardness. If she feels a bit stand-offish at first, remember she could simply be shy, reserved, or just holding back a bit. Meeting the in-laws is nerve-wracking don’t forget. And, like spiders, she’s probably more scared of you than you are of her. There’s no pressure though on a first meeting. Just try to put her at ease and stay relaxed yourself. If feelings between her and your son or daughter do eventually prove to be mutual, then be sure to approach the possibility of spending some quality time with her. Let your child be your guide though. There’s nothing more off-putting than a prospective mother-in-law demanding you go on a ‘girly weekend away’ when you’re still trying to remember her first name.

Be involved, be trustworthy and be approachable

The best relationships are built on trust, openness and good communication. Being on hand to offer support and advice when needed (and without reservation but also without pressure) will ensure that your daughter-in-law views you as someone she can rely on. This is especially important if grandchildren ever become involved as, if you are a paternal grandmother, your role will, in part, be governed by your relationship with your future daughter-in-law.

Gransnetters say:

"My MIL taught me all the things not to do with your DIL if you want to build and maintain a good relationship. Thanks to her expert teachings, and my good memory retention, I have a brilliant relationship with my lovely DIL and, because we get on so well, her mum is now one of my best friends.” Chewbacca

“Love my DIL to bits - we have 2 sons and welcomed her as the daughter we never had. She's a lovely Mum to our two GC and puts up with my son ? couldn't wish for a nicer girl. She is very close to her own grandparents and said that she loves that our GC are close to us - how nice is that?!” CurlyWurly

2. Understand that strong relationships take time to build

Building a positive relationship is something that you'll need to work on, however much you'd like it to blossom overnight. You’ve known your child all your life; you’ve only known this woman five minutes! So it stands to reason that it will take time. Your relationship with your daughter-in-law will also depend on a multitude of factors such as:

• Her own family situation - perhaps she’s very close to her mum and loves a big family gathering. Or perhaps she already has the ‘mum’ role covered and you’ll be more of a ‘friend’ figure. Maybe her mum isn’t around and she’ll welcome someone to take on some of that role? Perhaps she already has children and you’ll be joining a ‘ready-made’ family with honorary grandchildren to get to know! 

• Your willingness to open yourself up and to trust her, and vice versa - difficult though it may be, try to trust her until you have been good reason not to (and hopefully you never will be!) 

• The geographical distance between the two of you - there’s no getting around it; if there are miles between you it’s going to be harder to get to know each other than if she can pop in for an impromptu cuppa. If that’s the case, make the effort to get together when you can and make the most of texts, video chats and the like to fill the gap a bit. Sometimes, a less ‘full-on’ face-to-face relationship can even make things easier in the early days. 

• How close you are to your own child (her partner) - this really is the biggie. If there are problems in your own relationship with your child, things will be trickier. Try to see this as a new phase though, and a new chance to show that you can forge a good relationship without either smothering or being standoffish. 

• Whether or not you're a grandparent - if your child already has children that’s an added potential source of tension. Just, for goodness’ sake don’t make any comparisons (positive or negative) with the mother of your grandchildren. Try to let your daughter-in-law find her own way and her own place in your child’s family. Your comments on the topic are almost always going to be unwelcome.

Spend some quality time with her

This could be as simple as inviting her over for a coffee, going out for lunch, taking part in an activity together, going for an afternoon stroll or maybe even arranging a day trip for the two of you. See what feels right for the two of you and perhaps ask your child what would be welcome before you go in all guns blazing. Particularly if you are yourself retired or part-time, remember she may work lots more hours and also have other commitments that keep her busy so don’t take it personally if she isn’t immediately receptive.

Get her partner involved

Speak to your son or daughter if you think they could help you to strengthen your relationship with your daughter-in-law. It may seem daunting getting to know a person who means so much to your adult child, but involving them in helping to build your relationship with your daughter-in-law may make you more relaxed and show your daughter-in-law that you want to have a strong and positive relationship with her. That said, if your child is giving you clear signals to back off, do that! Let them lead the way; this is their relationship, not yours.

Gransnetters say:

"Find the good things and compliment her. If you call, remember to always be interested in her. Little by little you will sneak into her heart and she will feel warmer towards you and want you to see the baby and her husband. Mums are still key, it seems, in how most families function. I am not just saying this so you get your own way. The more you notice the good in others, the more you like them." NotSpaghetti

“My advice? Do not expect anything then what you do get is genuine and treasured. If you have had a good relationship with your son there is no reason to think it would change is there?” PECS

“I'm concentrating on getting the best relationship possible with DiL as we are very different, and so far, so good. I go up to stay with them for a few days at a time and feel loved and accepted and that's enough for me.” Wyllow3

3. Accept her flaws and respect her opinions

No one is perfect, so there will undoubtedly be moments when your daughter-in-law presents herself in an unfavourable light or holds certain opinions that you may not agree with, whether it's to do with your adult child, your politics, your way of handling tricky situations or even your grandchildren. The important thing is to retain her trust and confidence and don't overstep the mark as it may damage your hopes of building a solid relationship.

Remember you don't always have to see eye to eye

The probability of you and your daughter-in-law agreeing on everything is, realistically, pretty slim, but as long as you recognise this and deal with any frustrations in a calm and rational way, it'll help build a positive relationship based on love and acceptance. Where grandchildren are involved, it may be difficult to hold back and to not interfere, especially if you're a new grandparent, but respecting her rights as a parent and letting her find her own way is an important step in solidifying your relationship with her. If you’re a grandparent, it’s important for you to be there as much as you can for your grandchildren, but it’s also important for you to be there for your daughter-in-law. Be supportive and let her know that you're there if ever she needs someone to talk to but won’t pressure her. This can be invaluable for new mums in particular.

Remember that you are also deserving of kind and respectful treatment

It works both ways, after all. Relationships take two, so it’s vital your daughter-in-law offers you the same level of respect that she would expect in return. If this looks unlikely or you find yourself struggling to break the ice or receive the respect that you deserve, approach her and try to resolve the issue first-hand or talk to your son or daughter to see if they have any insight into why she is behaving in this way and what you (or they) could do about it. Communication is the true measure of any relationship.

Recognise your own flaws

Self-awareness is key to building and maintaining relationships of any kind, so be mindful of how you behave and express yourself, and what you may need to work on as an individual. This may be difficult if you find yourself disagreeing with your daughter-in-law, no matter the situation, but knowing yourself and knowing when to take a step back are important skills to possess.

Gransnetters say:

"I do think Respect is earned , it is not an automatic right. However I have also observed where respect is deserved but not given because a perception of "rights" trumps it!" MadGran77

“Try texting your DIL every so often just to check in and see how she’s doing (not just the kids). That way she knows you’re interested in her as a person and not just a gatekeeper to her children.” Lolo81

4. Can you avoid any conflict where possible?

A tricky one, admittedly, but definitely do-able. Daughter-in-law conflict could stem from a variety of different sources including:

• Sharing different ideas and opinions.
• An urge to step in if you feel your adult child is being treated badly.
• The idea that you will 'lose' your son or daughter to another person.
• Your daughter-in-law not feeling part of the family, even if you make efforts to include her.
• Miscommunication (especially perceiving something in a way that wasn't intended).
• Nervousness and awkwardness on either side.
• Feeling excluded.

Communicate

If you feel like there has been some miscommunication between you and your daughter-in-law or you harbour some trust issues that you can't seem to shake (to name but a couple of potential scenarios), think carefully about what’s bothering you and decide on the best way to approach your daughter-in-law about this, if necessary. Communication is important, but knowing what and how to say it even more so. Planning what you want to say before you approach her will ensure that you have a clear mind, approach the topic with ease and allow you to stay calm throughout.
Of course, it may well be that steering clear altogether and making do is the best route to take, but only you can judge the situation at hand and make a decision that you're happy with.

Keep schtum when necessary

It's easy to get riled up over something you disagree with (it happens to everyone) and your instinct to shout the house down may trump your better judgement on more counts than you care to mention, but knowing when to take a step back and hold your tongue could be a life-saver when it comes to potential daughter-in-law conflict.
Take some time to reflect on what's bothering you and what you can do about it, rather than outwardly disagreeing or making an impromptu decision that may hinder your relationship with your daughter-in-law. This applies even when you know you're right - always try to be the bigger person, even if it means swallowing your pride.

Respect their privacy

If you want to avoid daughter-in-law problems, take steps to ensure that you give your son and daughter-in-law space to prioritise their own relationship. Interfering and being too involved can be as much a hindrance as not being there at all. Tread the line carefully and try not to harbour any feelings of jealousy towards your daughter-in-law - your son or daughter) will always be your child but they have to put this new relationship, and particularly any children, first now. It’s just the circle of life.

Build up her confidence in you as a mother-in-law

It may not be wise to smother her with affection or, equally, to be too distant, but letting her know that you're a non-judgemental, listening ear and around when needed will help her to build up trust in you as a mother-in-law and encourage her to return the favour.

Gransnetters say:

"Start by inviting them round for a meal at a date and time to suit them. Try and analyse what you might be doing that has pushed her away. Learn from your mistakes (so many people don't). If you have a good relationship with your son his wife ought to make more effort with you for his sake as well as the childrens. Always arrange a day and time to visit them that suits her well in advance." Beauregard

“It's like walking on eggshells. I think the mil/dil relationship must be the most difficult to navigate and it takes effort and patience on both sides to make it work.” GrannyRose15

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5. If conflict is unavoidable, are there solutions?

But what should you do if it's no longer possible to avoid conflict and this ends up affecting your relationship with your daughter-in-law? Conflict doesn't have to last for ever, but you must do your part and look for solutions in order to resolve it. This will, of course, also depend on your daughter-in-law wanting a solution too, but the likelihood of her coming round will be vastly improved by you showing your willingness to make things better. "My daughter-in-law hates me" or "I have the daughter-in-law from hell" are sentences often uttered, but, as one gransnetter muses, "If you see her as a daughter-in-law-from-hell, then she may see you as the mother-in-law-from-hell. Who knows, eh?" A fair point.

Deal with any conflict effectively

Try to get along with your daughter-in-law, even if past situations makes this more difficult than you'd like. If things should turn sour, try to talk things over with her so that you can let her know where you stand, and discuss how best to move forward. This is particularly important if you have grandchildren, as a bad relationship with your daughter-in-law could mean a lack of contact when it comes to your grandchildren.

Be willing to rebuild your relationship with her

If your relationship has dissipated altogether, you may want to think about attempting to re-build it. But how do you begin to do that? Here are a few things to think about:

• Let her know that you'd like to move forward.
• Give her time - she'll need to think about whether she wants to do the same.
• Start off slowly - don't jump the gun and move faster than appropriate.
• Communicate and keep in touch regularly - it's important to show that you care.

What happens if you really don't get on?

If you’re at a worst-case scenario situation, keep conversation civil and brief, be there for any grandchildren when needed, be there for your son or daughter (and expect them to be there for you) when needed, don't criticise, and be ready to pick up the pieces if necessary.

Gransnetters say:

“If your son is working then the only time he gets to spend quality time with his partner and child is on the weekends. Have you tried making much shorter plans? An hour for a cuddle and chat? So that way you are not stepping in their family time?” BabyShark

"I don't have a DIL but a future one, and she is a lovely person, we are both in the same line of work so bonded immediately. The main thing is, she makes my son very happy and that's all I could truly hope for" VioletSky

For advice on daughters-in-law and more, visit our relationships forum. 

6. "My daughter-in-law excludes me" - how can you get round this?

It's especially difficult to avoid conflict and to not be upset when you feel like your daughter-in-law is excluding you. This can be especially common for paternal grandparents (daughter-in-laws will often have a natural, closer connection to their own mothers) and long-distance grandparents who can't spend as much time with their grandchildren as they'd like.

Overprotective daughter-in-law

This is most-often the case if a daughter-in-law has children, and particularly if she is a first-time mum. (Grand)mother doesn't always know best, so it's important for you to put yourself in her shoes and try to understand why she is feeling this way. Remember lots has changed since you had your babies, and other individuals may simply want something different to what you wanted. Taking a step back could be the answer here, as well as assuring her that you aren't trying to take over.
But don't excuse any unwarranted behaviour. As one Gransnetter says, "A gran is entitled to the normal respect and politeness one would give to anyone."

Ask 'why' and 'what'

Try to figure out why she might be excluding you (what could be influencing her decision?) and what you can do about it. Communicating one-on-one with your daughter-in-law is a good first step, but if you feel uncomfortable doing this, talk with your child to see if they can help shed some light on the situation. Above all, try not to let feelings of exclusion take over completely. Do what you can, be measured and understanding wherever possible, and don't forget to look after yourself.

Gransnetters say:

"My DiLs both offer to help in the kitchen when they are here, and one always compliments me on the food and says she loves coming for dinner. The other is a far better housewife than I am and she does loads of baking and washing etc.." JackyB

“If you play the long game and quietly wait and see how things pan out, your relationship will strengthen but if you start making too many demands you could end up with nothing.” Pantglas2

“I love my DIL..she brought me two new grandsons when she came to the family, now she has added another, my youngest granddaughter, making me a granny of five. How wonderful is that. She has even taken up my hobby, knitting, and is already better at it than me...she is a blessing to our family.” GrannyE

Dealing with estrangement? Read our advice on how to cope and you can also chat with other Gransnetters on our Estrangement support forum. 
 

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