I have Chronic Fatigue and live on my own since my husband died 7 years ago. My energy varies from day to day, but I more or less manage well providing I pace myself and lead a fairly simple life. A lot of my energy goes on supporting my 40 year old son who suffers from depression who also lives around the corner, and enjoying seeing my daughter and two lovely grandchildren once a week, keeping my home going and seeing friends. I also enjoy when I have the time gardening and painting. Earlier this year my brother who lives in Spain, with his wife invited me to go for a visit and it was a wonderful adventure. He travelled over to see my family and we travelled back there together where we had a wonderful time and all got on like a house on fire. He kindly flew back with me and I felt very supported. He was hoping I would visit again this year and this time travel alone. I did decide to go and we fixed a date for this month three weeks ago. Maybe its the time of year but having said I would go,and having even started packing, it just didnt feel right, as this time of year is when I wind down, consolidate. get some things done in the house hibernate a bit. I am also 70 in january and i also felt I wanted to be thoughtful and prepare for that. Another factor is that I found it quite hard to settle back on returning before, into life on my own again, missing all the companionship, and with the long dark evenings coming up didnt want to feel unsettled at this time of the year. I just couldnt motivate myself or raise enough enthusiasm for the trip so I emailed my brother apologising for raising his expectations and disappointing him, that it just didnt feel the right time to come and why. I got a mail back saying he was disappointed and hoped I derive some positives from what I was planning. All well and good. However a couple of days later I received another one saying my reasoning didnt make sense to him. he would have thought that anyone with a brother in Spain would jump at the chance of visiting this time of year and regarding being 70 he didnt view it as old, and intended to live till 90, talking about what our parents did when they were 70 etc. This completely missed the point as I don't view 70 as old either. Then urging me to go and saying that life is for living etc and please come. I emailed back saying I very much valued having a brother in Spain and if I could get in a tardis and be beamed there like Dr Who I would go like a shot and that I was sorry to disappoint but having tried to set it up, I didnt feel I had enough stamina to organise myself. and that it would be much better for me to come in the Spring, new life and new energy. I sent this two weeks ago and havent received a reply. I would like to think that although disappointed he can accept my decision. I know I made the right decision for me but am having to cope with my own disappointment about not seeing him and knowing I have disappointed him without his reassurance that he understands or at least respects my decision. I guess he is still working it through! Its hard when you live on your own not having anyone around to say all this to. Thankyou for listening.
