Don't like family gatherings

They are beyond rude and I would speak to each one of them alone and ask them what is the reason for their crass behaviour. When they say it's just in fun, people like that use that type of excuse, then tell them exactly how hurt and upset you are. Let them know you will never let yourself be put in that situation ever again.

Until they have all apologised I would only see them separately, even if that means you have to make other arrangements for Christmas. I would also never give a gift to such a rude person as your daughter, take her off your gift list. I would probably disinherit them too but that's me, I couldn't put up with such behaviour.

Best Wishes

I find that when DC visit together they end up talking to each other and DH and I usually end up in the kitchen with GC or playing in another room. They are not rude to us though because they would only ever do that once

During a visit In April this year my youngest daughter announced to a house full of her friends and visitors that "nannies feet stink" ! Needless to say I was mortified .. I went upstairs to my room washed feet changed socks although I was sure my feet did not smell and my nose was in full working order ... and returned downstairs my daughter noticed that I was quiet and I announced to the same group of people that I was offended by her rudeness and that I had not brought her up to behave like this ... The room went silent ... My daughter did not talk to me for the rest of the day , but the next day after she had slept on it she apologised and so far has not been so rude to me ....
Fingers crossed ... Chickenbrain you are a mother who deserves respect ....

I wasandin equal measure when I read your post Chickenbrain, it is awful to be treated in such a mean and disrespectful manner by members of your own family, especially your own children.

You could speak to them individually perhaps telling them that their rudeness is an embarrassment to you, and you cannot understand why they've turned out the way they have, rather than telling them how upsetting their behavior is.

You could, perhaps having a pretty good idea of the kind of comments to expect, rehearse a few responses and take them all down a peg or two. I do think that it would be a good idea of you weren't available for at least the next get together and maybe the one after that too. Who knows, they maybe sensitive enough to realise why you're not going.

Here's a thought; why not get the most outrageous wig you can find and wear that to the next family do. If it's really awful, that alone may render them speechless.

What ever you decide I do hope that you will be able to enjoy family gatherings in 2015 and that if not you, some one is able to make your children see how cruel and insensitive they are.

I don't like family gatherings either. I'm ok for about 2 hours then I just get bored. It's all the small talk & pretending to be oh so happy.

But your family do sound exceptionally awful, I'd invent a bad dose of flu next year & spend Christmas on the sofa with a nice box of chocolates.

I believe you have the right idea chicken in that you have no intention of changing your hair or anything for your children. Nor should you be expected to pander to their bad manners.

I also like two posts where harrigran said "they are not rude to us because they would only do it once." Also Cretin dealt with her daughter in such a way that let everyone know she won't tolerate rudeness.

One more thing, having to come up with quick replies or trying to outsmart a group of people's rudeness will most probably backfire and give them more ammunition to ridicule.

I really think you have to do as Cretin did or speak to each of your children individually.

chickenif I was flippant in my first reaction to your post I apologise,but I still can't quite get my head around your family and do think you must confront them with their appalling bad manners towards you. Good luck but stay strong.

Well, here comes another flippant remark....Sorry!

If a member of my family suggested that I'd left a bad smell in the loo the last thing I would do would be to announce it on Gransnet.

I've always thought it's the host's responsibility to ensure that visitors are comfortable in the loo department especially when a lot of people might be using the same facilities.

They should provide a pleasant room scenter spray - not one of those sickly air fresheners that gives the game away, floral scented hand wash, fresh towels and a discreetly placed pack of seat wipes.

They should also check the window opens easily.

I'd tell 'em to get their house in order, chickenbrain

So pleased merlotgran that I am not alone in my thinking or my cynism.

I failed in the bathroom department last week. There was enough loo roll when I checked the guest bathroom before arrival of family but did not allow for the extra runny noses that got a good blow whilst in there. During the evening SIL came downstairs and said he hoped I didn't mind but he had gone through the bathroom cupboards looking for a fresh roll. Thankfully there was one but I felt awful at not having left it in an obvious position

Thank you all for your kind comments. I must admit I am feeling very hurt. I have always stood up for my childrens right to lead their lives the way they want as long as its not hurting anyone. Unfortunately the same doesnt seem to be applied to me. I will tell them I am upset. And I will spend less time with them. The problem is I am frightened of cutting myself off and being alone. I have no idea whatever how to adopt another family...I dont know anyone that well, or that closely. I do belong to groups etc but again I dont have any close friends in any of them. I am not by nature a gregarious person. I have bought them all up as single Mum and was always busy either looking after them or working. Now I am retired and I dread the future. I dont have any family of origin. I have never remarried, I was too busy bringing them up, and by all accounts a devoted mother. I always tried to put them first. I think the main problem is that they just dont THINK enough as to how I feel, and if I do tell them I am upset they just brush it off as something I will get over in a few days. My main comfort is my grandaughter, we are very close and she is very loyal. In truth she is almost the only person who considers how I feel. Shes 13.

Plus, I suppose, if I was honest, I am frightened of their reaction if I said anything. I have however said that I am not coming to any family get togethers for a while. I was sent the invite today to New Years eve get together ( the last one to be consulted of course, everyone else had already opted for the time that suited them. I have said I have other plans.

Chicken I do feel sad for you, they are very rude.
If they ask why you aren't going to any future get-togethers, I would say quietly,"Why would I want to come and be ridiculed and humiliated by my family?"

My dd and ds take the mickey out of me a bit when we are together, but in a jokey affectionate way. They would never want to upset me, and I'm sure yours don't realise how much they're hurting you.

I`m glad you have your lovely Granddaughter.

Same here, Lona. My two sons are always taking the mick. However if one of them said anything about me or my house smelling I'd take it very seriously because I have never had a sense of smell. In fact I tell them to tell me, because when my husband died I lost my sense of smell.
I always leave the bathroom windows open. They complain about it being like an icehouse in there, but it doesn't smell!
Chicken, if you ever go into their houses again, go straight to the bathroom and open the windows. That'll teach them.

A full -on confrontation is clearly not your style and I think that a barney would/could make you very unhappy so how about approaching them individually over a coffee and gently asking if there is a genuine hygiene problem or if they can recommend a hairdresser/ style? If asked "Why" just say you felt humiliated and victimised at remarks which may have been meant as a tease, hurt you to the quick. Forgive me if I say you might have put yourself at the end of the priorities list for so many years you may have become a doormat. Unselfishness in parents sadly does not always produce the same response. You will not be cut off, but your 2015 resolution has to be to consider yourself and value yourself.
Try WI, U3A, volunteering at your local hospital coffee shop or a charity shop they will be friendly and welcoming. If you find a kindred spirit suggest a coffee or a cup of tea together and build up a little circle of acquaintances ho may in time become friends. I can put myself in your shoes as can many of us here- we want to be loved by our children as much as we love them.
"That " as Dame Esther would say "'s life". Good luck!!

I agree with Lona and Soutra. Good natured ribbing [a bit anyway] is acceptable, but not what you had to endure.See your children one at a time in future if it doesn't stop and avoid the big gatherings.A Christmas spent on your own would be better than one where you feel close to tears because of this cruelty.

A little wind-up maybe ??

This may be one of the best laughs of Christmas !!!!!!!

That is very unkind Nonu and unlike you Chicken has had a very raw deal from her ungrateful family and I for one did not take this as a wind up.

I have not seen your name before CHICKEN , so may I be the first to welcome you to this forum and Hope you enjoy it !!

It might have been more welcoming not to treat the whole issue of chicken's predicament as one of the best laughs of Christmas

I have to agree with Soutra there, Nonu. Can I ask why you thought this was funny?

Well each to his own , obviously you think I am out of order, but that was my take on it , it does not make me a bad person, just that different people have different views on things . Everyone to his own.

I hope CHICKEN responds and tells that things have maybe improved, that would good.
[tychsmile] to you CHICKEN
I will PM you.

NoNu - I dont know why you think there is anything funny about all of this. I can assure you that there are some quite awful adult children out there. One of my children was mouthing off like some big shot in her own opinion "that I would be less boring if I got myself some Heroin". If there is one thing about me I am very against drugs. I dont approve of alcohol either.
Some of these adult children think they have the upper hand because Chicken was a single mother who worked hard to provide for these children. Chicken says she is now alone apart from these adult children who are so unpleasant to her.
What these adult children need to remember is that Grandmother and Mother were people in their own right before children, after children single mothers were the parents who stayed an faced responsibility. If single mother can go through all that they can step out on their own and find a life where nasty loudmouths do not get a look in. They stop our own self esteem but really they are showing themselves up.
I have one seriously nasty adult child and the time is coming when I will just give up trying to deal with her stupidity. Her loss.
I am not Chicken 2009 but I whole heartedly agree that mothers should not be expected to tolerate the bad conduct of the children.
Suganpufffairy