New here - wanting advice please

It may just be that she doesnt trust you when she is not around? Is that possible? And so, even 30 minutes she may feel uncomfortable about.
It might be better if you ask her in a couple of weeks, if you could accompany her when she takes him out for a walk?
You could say that you would to be doubly sure that you know what to do, clothes wise, routine wise etc.

NikNox DON'T. In strongest terms please don't get yourself into this state. As one who has been there please, please just wait. I know it is hard, I know you feel left out and ignored but please, please do not tell your son how you feel just bide your time and wait.

This is what most mothers of sons go through. Daughters mother's always get to spend more time with the GC, more babysitting and more cuddles and opportunities to be with the grandchildren. That is life. I had no problem with my mother-in-law and liked her very much but when it came to Christmas and holidays etc I wanted to be with my mum because that was where I felt relaxed and happy.

My DGC did not want to know me when a baby and would scream his socks off when he got near me because he was not as familiar with me as with other grandma and it hurt, but boy does he love me now. He adores me and I know it, I can see his face light up when he sees me and he runs to me and throws himself into my arms and always wants to sit next to me and talk to me.

I know it's hard not to be jealous but please don't make it an issue with your son. This is new for him too. Be supportive in all you say and do. Don't force things it is early days.

Sorry for such a long winded post but I would hate for you to think you are alone in feeling like this. Bide your time and enjoy the time with your grandson when you get it.

Crafting....you sound like the voice of real experience....bless you.

Well said crafting and others. Do NOT make a big deal out of this as the only person who risks getting hurt is you. You sound sensible and the experienced grannies all know where you are coming from! Congratulations on joining the best club in the world- but remember there are no hard and fast rules!

Thank you all, very sound advice all round. It is hard, but I am lucky in that I do feel there is a bond between me and the baby. He smiles at me constantly and falls asleep on me very easily which is lovely. To be honest I'm not sure why mum doesn't trust me. I work in the NHS and handle babies from time to time and have always been a confident handler of tiny ones. I ignore the "wind him" comments and just oblige (even if I've just done it) and tell baby he has the most beautiful mummy and daddy and I pay them a lot of compliments and am encouraging and supportive. I was prepared for maternal nan to have more to do with him because I always knew she would, and actually that doesn't bother me. I guess as time goes on they'll get used to taking turns with family - they'll have to because my sons dad and I aren't together and he's complained that he doesn't see baby often, as has his mum, and he's also commented on how Christmas and New Year have been centred around her family and family friends. I think that because we were very accommodating to both sets of grandparents and ensured they both saw the children and babysat equally then we kind of expect the same.

I will leave the ball in their court for now

You'll be fine Niknox. I'm sure your DGC's mother will trust you in time. It sounds as though you do more than some GMs are allowed to do - I've heard of new mums who are frightened to let anyone else give their baby a bottle or change the nappy!

Should you "just leave it"? - yes, yes, yes!

Why would you want to try again in a few weeks and see if DIL will let you take him out? Just enjoy what you have - really you must throw away the idea that you need to test whether she trusts you by keeping on trying to look after him with no-one else there.

You talk about thinking the baby might be bonding with you - why should he? You are not his mum!

You have to stand back and rid yourself of this niggling jealousy of DIL's mum - it is such a huge shame that this emotion is tainting your enjoyment of this new baby. Throw yourself into enjoying what you DO have and stop worrying about what you don't have.

This is not your child and you have no rights at all; but you are having contact with him and you need to be thankful and take delight in that.

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but if you read the "cut out of their lives" thread on this forum you will find out the distress of those GPs who are alienated from their GC - I am not suggesting for a moment that any of those GPs brought it on themselves, but just that you have an opportunity to avoid their pain by gently stepping back and trying to quash these negative emotions in what is a very happy situation.

Leaving the ball in their court is a good idea as regards not trying to persuade them to let you look after him on your own - just be there and enjoy what is on offer.

It is lovely being grandma - please do not let things get off on the wrong foot or you will miss so much delight!

You say you get on well with the maternal gran, so would it be feasible for the two grans to take the baby out together?

Although the situation of your son and his family living with his MIL sounds perfect from the outside I don't think it can be as easy as it appears; there's probably a lot more appeasement and juggling than is apparent. I did sometimes stay at my daughters and look after one grandchild a couple of times, I always had either my son or my partner stay over as well and would never have expected the baby to stay overnight at my house. Families are complicated at the best of times and never more so than when a new baby arrives.

I think you would do well to heed the warning of holding your tongue and not appearing needy. As much as we love our GC they are not ours and we can not make any demands.
My GC are DS's children but my DIL asks for help when she needs it and we get on very well.

Hi NikNox, I regognise all you are going through. Bide your time in silence.

As parents of sons, we had similar experiences with our first GC. We were more in demand with GC 2. Then our other son and wife had a baby and we were back at square one! Feeling left out.

The son with the older GCs said, " don't worry they'll soon have need of you!" There spoke the voice of experience.
x

I agree with most of what has been said, especially about it being vital not to appear "needy". I think it is quite understandable that you feel hurt and left out, but do not let this issue loom too large in your life. There will no doubt come a time when your daughter in law develops a much more relaxed attitude.

However, I take issue with some of the comments on here. Why should a grandparent's role be seen as "slotting into a job that you have no control over" and involve "feeling grateful for what you are given"? This is way too submissive for my liking - what's wrong with a bit of mutual respect and understanding?

Mutual respect and understanding is the ideal; but you only have control over one side of the equation - you cannot force it from someone else.

This lady needs to stay cool and bide her time, as everyone has said. I think Eleothan's comment about not letting it loom large is exactly right.

Looking at it from a different angle - the family are living with the other grandparents, visiting the other relatives a lot, other gran is taking baby out - that doesn't leave a lot of time for just the three of them. Perhaps that's why DiL puts off leaving the baby with Nic. Time for the little family to be together alone must be in short supply. DiL is happy for Nik to care for the baby completely while she is there and leaves Nik to it, so there is trust.
Getting baby stuff together to come for Sunday lunch is an enormous effort when you've been up coping with night feeds and the fact they feel at ease enough with Nic to refuse the offer of lunch is perhaps a compliment. In time when things are more settled I'm sure things will even out.

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Hang on in there NikNox, my son's partner's mother really took over when our granddaughter was born nearly five years ago now, she was dong the whole mother thing all over again vicariously. Personally, I'm happy to be one step back, I love my granddaughter very much and her new six month old brother. I am happy with our once a week sessions when we have good quality time, trips to the park, swimming, cinema and the occasional theatre visits. I read to her, and we spend time on her newly acquired letter writing skills, helping her identify short one syllable words, I have discovered the other side don't do any of this the emphasis seems to be on the tv screen. It's early days for you, and your time will come and then you can be the grandparent that you want to be, just don't compete with the other side, we all bring different things to the table.

I think the role of grandparents today is a lot more hands on, I didn't see that much of either side when I was growing up, it was a quite formal sort of afternoon tea type of outings. Although my maternal grandparents moved to Sussex by the sea towards the end of their lives and we did holiday down there as children.

The maternal grandparents of my grandchildren tend to grab the "best" bits Christmas and birthdays etc. and have on occasions taken gd on holiday, without her parents, that's up to them, I look back on holidays with my own children with mixed feelings, nostalgia but I clearly remember chomping at the bit for more grown up holidays. Whilst we have taken gd and her parents to Center Parcs I can't imagine wanting to give over 2 weeks of prime holiday time to looking after a toddler AGAIN it wouldn't be the sort of holiday experience I would want anymore, cos I've done it! frankly it would ruin things for me, but then we are all different.

Try to let all this wash over you, I'm sure you will get your chance to bond with your new grandchild and he will appreciate you just as much as the other grandma.

Hi niknox and welcome to GN. I agree practically word for word with terribull above.

I too am a new grandmother to a baby boy - born to my son and his wife 5 months ago - and from the outset I knew I'd be playing second fiddle to the maternal gran because her and her daughter are very close. I decided to "bide my time" - didn't say a word, took a measured approach, and now I'm quite happy with our allotted time . What I'm trying to say is that we have (all of us) settled into a rhythm of visits that suits everyone but it has taken a while.

I must add that I think it also depends on how the son steers things, I remember the first time my son had a work event and sent the email on to his wife, copied me in and asked "Mum, would you like to babysit?" So that was my first formal babysitting gig. I'm also lucky in that my DIL is very generous re leaving the baby - she will stick him in my arms, rattle off instructions and go off to a yoga class or similar. I really appreciate that, and I've told her so.

Congratulations on your grandson, what a joy they are.

HiNikNox firstly I think most grandparents go through worrying if the other GPs are "better" than them and thinking that they will have a better relationship with the GC. I know I did. But as so often happens what I imagined was going on and what was really happening were completely different. Time has shown that the other granny is not as dedicated and as involved as I thought she was going to be. Just carry on being the caring loving helpful person you obviously are. In time I am sure things will even out. Try to feel how your DIL might be feeling, how she might trust her own mother the person she knows best with her precious child. And let her see that you are reliable and adaptable. Treasure every moment you have with the baby and show how pleased and happy you feel when you are with him. Don't let your worries spoil the brief period of babyhood. They grow so quickly and before long he will have his own opinions!

I think that you just need to bide your time. At the moment he is 'the baby' - once he can walk and talk he will have a character and wishes of his own.
Just be yourself because he will make his own relationships and it will go better if you are relaxed so that he is happy in your company. You won't get this if you are jealous and showing it.
His mother is more or less bound to have a better relationship with her mother but he will make his own and he may be very different from his mother.
You really can't tell who a child will really take to. When I was little it was one of my grandfathers that I was particularly close to and I can't think that he was pushing for times etc- he and I just had a rapport.

Wow, just logged in and loads of replies! Thank you, very much appreciated. I'd like to say that there's one comment I don't agree with - Mishap you said why would the baby bond with me; I truly think he is bonding, as am I with him, and I see that as being perfectly natural. My boys bonded with their grandparents and I certainly bonded with mine. I love my grandson in the same way I love my sons, and to bond is, as I see it, the natural order of things with blood family.

Another couple of things to mention are there have been comments about how tired mum and dad are - baby sleeps through the night and has done from a week old, and they have both remarked on how easy they're finding it. Of course that may well go out of the window when he starts teething, but for now he is an extremely content baby and barely cries. I do know though that they are yearning for their own space and are eager to move out as they are all very cramped where they are. I also appreciate the strength of bond between mum and her mum. My son and I are very close too, and he does appreciate how I feel but does tend to just go along with everything his partner wants because it's easier. I nipped in yesterday after work to see them but as baby was fast asleep and they were getting ready to go to maternal nan's friends for the evening, I left soon after and my son ran me home. I did say to him in the car that it would be nice to see them for half an hour today, and he pointed out that they were spending the day with all the people they were with last night. I just said that I didn't think anyone would mind if they nipped out for half an hour and suggested a short walk to my house in the fresh air would probably do them good. He said he thought it would be okay but that it was up to his partner so we shall see. I do find it strange that as yet he's not allowed to take baby out on his own, particularly as baby is bottle fed, but I guess mum is uncomfortable with that too.

I will bide my time, of course. Thanks everyone

Babies need to bond with their parents, and this is what this wee babe is doing.

As he gets bigger he will form relationships with others, including you, as his awareness grows. That is a very different thing from bonding, but just as precious.

Give them time, give them space, do not keep chipping away at it (e.g. "a short walk to my house in the fresh air would probably do them good") - just go with the flow and you will reap the rewards.

If it becomes an "issue" with you pressing and them trying to politely resist, it will become tiresome for everyone.

You are all adjusting to something new and it has to be in the way that the parents want. Give them space; do not make demands - just be aware of their needs and put yours aside for the moment.

GC are such fun and we get to know them slowly - we have a very different relationship with them to the one they have with their parents, and it is in its own way very special indeed. It will come.

I expect all the GPs on here know that frustration of dying to be involved with this lovely new being, but knowing we must stand back and let these new relationships develop in their own way and at their own speed. Our turn comes later.

NikNox, you say you are taking all our well meaning comments on board and yet your last post worries me. You still seem to feel the need to be in the driving seat, to flaunt your perceived expertise and, to my mind, suggest criticism....asking about 'taking the baby out alone' etc. You really do need to just let be and allow these new young parents to be in charge of their child. Becoming a grandparent has very little to do with biology unlike becoming a parent. Becoming a Grandparent is all about the relationship and any experienced Grandparent will tell you just how tenuous that is. We all look into those baby eyes and imagine we see so much.....its really just a manifestation of what we feel. We feel love, hence we see it in the babies eyes. Please, please take great care - your need to push may just push you in a direction you will regret. I say this with kindness although I might sound harsh, you must back track and let these all develop naturally.

I agree with Hilda, NikNox There's the slightest whiff of a power struggle emerging from your posts, as though to 'win' by getting that half hour visit, for example, will put you back in control. Let go and be happy for them that they have their new baby to get to know. It's likely they're feeling pressure from both sides as they're joining in with her mum's arrangements. They could be taking the line of least resistence at the moment. You have years of fun to look forward to. I know that feeling that you might self-combust with the overwhelming joy of having a new grandchild, but use it constructively - can you knit, crochet, sew, make toys, collect bits of toys or handy things that they'll appreciate later on when the baby is at your house? It'll be ok if you just let go of your end of that increasingly tight elastic before it hits you in the face. Good luck

Thanks everyone, I do see what you mean - my son gave me the feeling yesterday that he was feeling a tad "claustrophobic" (for want of a better word) by it all, as he doesn't get much of a say in things - hence my suggestion of a short walk in the fresh air doing them good, literally. They're cramped into the teensiest house which has 5 people living in it, and being filled with another 10 plus people all day today is probably too much for him. He likes his space, so I was also offering sanctuary and a brief respite from the chaos. He still has a room here, and our home is bigger with less people in it (3 of us, me, my husband and my stepdaughter), and I have told them both that they're welcome to spend the night if they want to whenever they want to. My son has told me that he would like to but that his partner doesn't want to and doesn't want him to on his own. That's an issue for them to sort out between them of course, and I've only offered the one time.

I won't contact either of them again today, it's up to them if they want to escape for half an hour.

I do crochet actually, and have made blankets, hats and one toy so far. I've been asked though to not give them any more because they don't have any space. But I've had a request to make Winnie The Pooh, which will probably take me until they move

I dont think that it helps the situation that you live just down the road.
I dont know that anything can be done about that. But if you lived say 5 miles away, I think the situation would be different.

I do think that you have to be careful not to drag your son away from his new family at all.

At the moment, even he is not being trusted to take dgs for a walk. So I think it will be bit of a time before you are.

Staying in the background is probably all you are going to get for a few months.

I'm a maternal grandmother and and due to unusual circumstances was (and still am) a very 'hands on' granny to my eldest grandson and his younger brother. The other grandparents (3 lots of them - don't ask!) don't see the grandchildren so often, but are like fairy godmothers in that they get all the superficial pleasures of grandparenting and none of the hard work that 'secondary' parenting brings. Much as I love my grandsons I am actually looking forward to taking much more of a back seat as they get older and hopefully more grandchildren come along. My son and daughter in law are not at the parenting stage yet, but interestingly it's my husband who is anticipating the event and hopeful of playing an active role even though we'll be the paternal grandparents. Currently our son and his wife are fairly scrupulous about sharing their company between us and I don't foresee that changing too much.
In your situation NikNox I expect I would take the long view and try to be grateful that you live close by and that as the little one grows older you will have a role to play.