Pre-retirement advice needed!

I suggest you stop doing housework. See how long it takes for him to get the idea that maybe he should help...

paddyann Fri 17-Mar-17 11:21:32 We also do not have a dishwasher, DH does it. I do draw the line at making up the bed after washing sheets, etc. He doesn't seem to get the fitted sheet over the mattress topper and mattress tightly so it creeps and drives me nuts. I also like my pillows with the right covers on them, and I use two pillow cases on each to protect the pillows. (not a fan of those thick pillow protectors).

I do what I can [I'm semi retired] - and DH [who's meant to be retired but hasn't] doesn't notice the rest. He does the garden and anything to do with electrics and the like and I do most of the rest giving him the odd job from time to time that I don't want to do eg cleaning the carpet after he's trogged in dirt from the garden. He's pretty amenable and I've become less fussy. We rub along OK.

Men honestly, you need to put a rocket under them. They have to learn your not there servants, I had to train mine, still a bit of a pain but getting there.

It's perfectly possible for housewives to retire...I've done it! With four children and little cash I cooked all sorts of things, decorated, cleaned, gardened, replaced floors, abd ceilings, built a wall...oh, and worked part time.
Now there are just two of us with small appetites, meals go from freezer to cooker, washing from machine to dryer to hangers (I did have an iron once), speedy hoovering and what I feel like doing in the garden, and laugh when my grandson writes his name in the dust.
We can't go out and about as much as we'd like, but my husband watches sport and listens to music while I Skype and play computer games, and we watch a lot of politics and other programmes we both like.
It works for us.

Another sweeping generalisation, not all men are domestically challenged and not all women are goddesses. Let's have some fairness here.

Absolutely!
sheilasue that may be your experience, but "not in my name".

My husband took early retirement 18minths ago . He is 61 and I'm 59. The first summer (which was last year) he had a huge project in our rather large garden ...he moved 200 bags of rubble through our house down 9steps to his car to take to the tip .....he was only allowed to take 8bags at a time ...that's the rule at the tip ...but he cleared it all over the summer. ....and then we distend that part of the garden together .
After all that was done I did wonder what he would find to do whilst retired .......it took a while but I got him involved in volunteering for the National Trust ..I volunteer at same site in tea rooms .....we do different days so we are not always together ....this worked very well ,because then we had something interesting to talk about and in common other than other things in life .
All is going well .....so far ....he vacuums, when I remind him, I cannot vacuum like I did before as I have a ear problem and can't bear noise of vacuum , he bought himself a slo cooker and cooks when he feels like it and is getting the hang of freezing things that he cooks.
What I'm trying to say is that whilst I did part time job and cared for elderly relative I also ran our home ...when he retired and I stopped working and caring for various reasons I said to him that jobs were to be shared so that they all got done quicker and then that paved way for us to do nicer things.
So far things are working well
I think foot down,sit down and list making needs to be done .
Men sometimes don't realise what goes on beneath their noses until you very loudly point it out to them......I'm sure it's because you had a very bad day that's that's why you've posted on here ...but maybe by having had a bad day ...good will come out of it when you make husband aware of how you are feeling .
Good luck

I know exactly what Mawbroon means about morphing into a skivvy! My so-called partner is not disabled, just selfserving. He gets himself lovely lunches and doesn't offer me any, doesn't lift a finger in the house and take s his eyes heavenward if I try to start a conversation with him. It's getting me depressed now.

I realise my earler post made my DH sound rather lazy which he is not!

He does most of the tidying, filling dishwasher, washing machine, fixing stuff,changing the bed, going to the tip, taxi service for DGC etc. Has done his own ironing since I went back to work f/t years ago. He always got the breakfast organised when we both worked and had two DDs going off to school etc etc. The things he is not good at is garening chores, hanging out & folding clean washing and cooking! So i do those jobs! We make a reasonably equal contribution to the chores that need to be done We have a cleaner who comes weekly to do bathrooms, floors and dusting.

Many of the guys mentioned need to realise that this is the 21st century, women have had the vote for a long time now, we have women in senior positions so how dare he sit on his backside watching old westerns and expecting his meal - an omelette - to appear in front of him. An omelette is one of the simplest things to cook so, if that was me, I would expect him to prepare it for both of us when I got in.

No, it is NOT all the guys of this age-group that are of the same mindset! Or maybe I am lucky. I wouldn't live with a man like that.

DH and I got together 20 years ago later this year, were married in 2002. If our relationship had been anything like the ones described above it would never have survived this long.

I joke about being a 'slave' because he had knee surgery in November and then complete reconstruction of knee a month ago. When he was sent home from hospital in December he needed a lot of help from me, in fact he was meant to be on a 'care package' which we didn't want and managed to get cancelled.

He still needs more help than he would do normally, but it's getting less. He likes pottering in the kitchen and is getting back to doing bits of cooking that he likes to do. It's just part of 'in sickness and in health' so I don't mind. But I wouldn't live in a relationship like the ones described above.

I can remember my DM when DF retired. After 7 weeks there was an almighty row & ended with DM telling DF to find a part time job or something to do before she killed him.
She loved him to little bits but with his military background he was driving her mad.
A part time job mini cabbing solved the problem.

Join the club magicwand. Mine early retired in 2006 and I retired in 2012. So busy with his "important" projects no time to help me! He is not a selfish man, he just does not see housework as being important enough to stop what he is doing. However, I scare him into vacuuming and dishwasher duties. These days however, when he suggests we go for lunch (3-4 times a week) I say I cant go as I have too much housework to do....suddenly he finds wings and helps me! All of my friends have the same problem....we have to treat them like the children that they are!

I was reading some of your comments about this to DH earlier today, and he was amazed. He just couldn't understand why your husbands didn't help out in the house. We've always shared housework - although I haven't always worked full-time, my part-time work has been very time-consuming - preparation etc.
I weekly menus and sort out shopping lists, then we either have it delivered or go shopping together. I mostly prepare meals, although he likes to cook more simple things, and will often say 'Oh I can do that.' He washes up, which he likes, and we use the dishwasher once a week (on our free electricity day). I strip the bed, he makes it because I have a problem with my hands. I put the washing on and whichever of us is around will sort it into the dryer and take it out afterwards. He likes hoovering, and I dust. He cuts the grass (it's an extension of hoovering actually) and I do the more expert stuff(?) - well, I know mostly what's weeds and what isn't.
This is basically how it has been all through our married life. And it's obviously been a good example for our two DSs because they also are very good round the house. Indeed younger DS does almost all the cooking in their house.
We've always treated our marriage as an equal partnership - our house, our money, our decisions about the future. To be honest, if you've got this far without sorting this out, I can't see anything you can do to improve things. Sorry

My husband on retiring sat down and hasn't moved since. He used to cook clean garden iron sew put bins out. Two years later was diagnosed with dementia. I thought we would enjoy retirement together but no I have to tend to all his needs as he is unable. Dementia getting worse and now tia's happening more often. Not the retirement I had anticipated.

Thank you everyone for your combined wisdom. There are so many good ideas and tips here and it has definitely made me think about the plans I need to make before I do take the plunge and retire. I also know I need to be more consistent as I'll start the week with great intentions to give lists, be specific about jobs, etc and run out of energy by Weds or Thurs! Thank you everyone!

DH and I muddle along pretty well. We play to our strengths on some things - since he retired he's surprised us both by becoming an enthusiastic and very capable cook, so he does most of the meals, including lots of breakfasts in bed for me! He also does the stuff he's traditionally always done - the garden and allotment (I hate gardening), the weekly vacuuming, dealing with the recycling and rubbish (I keep well out of that), and making practically all the hot beverages . I clean the bathroom, do the occasional dust round , the bed changing, the admin (accounts, buying presents, sorting out insurances and holidays etc), baking now and again, the general tidying. We share anything else, eg the laundry, any decorating, and grocery shopping - I'll do the online shop, he'll collect it, one of us will put it away. We look after the DGS together two days a week and on the odd sleepover or babysitting stint. We are both very laid back these days and do the bare minimum - I can't remember the last time we felt the need to iron anything.

If you're both fit and well, sharing the stuff that has to be done and rattling through it quickly makes sense, as it gives both of you more time to enjoy your retirement, either together and/or through your separate interests. to all who haven't been able to achieve this, for whatever reason.

DH retired before me. I sort of petered out. By the time I eventually stopped he'd sorted the garden and was in the middle of decorating. So I helped. This brought up the question of who was going to do what since I like decorating and gardening too. We had a Discussion! He picked cooking over cleaning. He cooks. I do the rest - washing, ironing, cleaning etc. Mostly. Sometimes he irons or hoovers and sometimes I cook as we both do other stuff, volunteering and such which can interfere with our routine.

To begin with meals were planned and recipes were followed slavishly but now, after fifteen years he's really good and invents meals and grudges my interfering in 'His' kitchen. I can recommend suggesting a partner takes over the cooking as the best part is that the cook also really needs to do the shopping. I hate food shopping!

I really think the Who Does What question is one that does have to be discussed. There's pre-retirement advise now on how to cope outside the world of work. Finding something to do with your time etc. But there seems to be little about division of housework and maintenance.

Do you really mean that although he's retired and you're still working, you do the cooking etc? If you're to have any hope of a decent retirement, rather than swapping a paid job for an unpaid one, you need to stop this now.
Make it clear that you expect a meal on the table when you get home (I expect he's done that for years), whether he cooks it or gets a takeaway doesn't matter. He'll soon get fed up of eating takeaway and spending the money on it.
A fair division of labour would be for him to cook during the week when you're at work and for you to do it at the weekend.

We have had many changes in responsibilities over the years as working and studying patterns have changed and health issues have impacted. We have tried to re-negotiate distribution of tasks before one of us, usually me, explodes! Had to do it again recently as I was feeling the weight of imbalance. Usually we can work it out amicably. The key is always a list. An allocation of regular tasks and a list of outstanding 'jobs' , anything from the filing to the need to replace a lightbulb. These tend to be chosen according to both ability and preference, although it has just occurred to us that ideally we should both be able to do it all. The question now is can we teach each other without murder being committed? Watch this space .

""Treat them like the children they are"" really WW11 girl
and I thought relationships were more equal nowadays.

I do most of the chores around the house, cleaning, cooking, tidying, bed changing, washing etc. DH cooks a meal one day a week while I am doing a volunteering day. I always suggest what to cook and take something out of the freezer for him to use. He is very good at pasta with vegetables and bacon plus a jar of sauce.
He spends a huge amount of time on his main hobby. I do most of the gardening, he mows the lawn, and he always says how nice the garden looks after he's done the lawn but never after I have spent hours, weeding, planting, etc.

I was feeling rather fed up yesterday thinking that my retirement is not how I'd imagined it, but it seems I'm not alone. My DH has a weak arm after stroke 5 yrs ago and has spent every day since in an armchair with tv on and laptop in place. He does nothing at all to help , even tiny jobs like emptying dishwasher, putting dustbin sacks out etc. There are lots of little things he could help with but all I hear is 'I can't'. Meanwhile I keep four bedroomed house, do all gardening with two big lawns, walk dog every day, do all cooking etc. Is this retirement I ask? Sadly although DH was restored to full mobility with physio help post stroke, his lazy lifestyle is turning him into a couch potato, with muscles getting weaker week by week. What a waste of all that NHS superb care. All my plans for retirement sadly will never happen!

Couldn't agree more

The who does what question has never really come up for us. We seem to have settled into a reasonably fair division of labour. He does heavy gardening, lawn cutting, car washing, window cleaning, internal floors, cleaning the bathrooms, and post meal clearing up. I do everything else! . He doesn't cook. Although he likes to dabble it takes him so long to slavishly follow the recipe he must have, we would starve to death waiting! I had thought that we might have travelled a bit more than we do, but it hasn't worked out that way so far. We have kind of settled into a routine, which is not really what I wanted.