...to be really hurt by this?

When my daughter had a big party for her special birthday a few years ago, none of either side if the family were invited, just friends. There were caters and a marquee, huge house etc. Your son invited you, both want you, I would happily sleep on a mattress if I was wanted like you are, even though I would need help getting up. Just go and celebrate his day and be proud that they both care so much about you.

I'm afraid I do think you're BU, Julia. I'd just be happy that DS2 wanted me to stay and would enjoy the chance to spend time with him, and maybe stay a while if possible and help make his place more cosy. It sounds as though he needs your support right now. I wouldn't book a hotel - he's already offered you his bed and refusing his hospitality could be hurtful. And lastly, there may be good reasons for your ILs not staying with their other family that you don't know about. Just think positive and take some woollies and an extra duvet. I hope you enjoy the party, and the chance to spend time with your family.

Maybe son 2 wants you to stay with him but if you feel he has been pressured into the offer maybe finding a premier inn/travelodge for overnight near son 1 would be a good option.
We find dils have a habit of giving their family precedence and have even been invited to family lunches 200+ miles away with no offer of accommodation in their large houses.

Do enjoy the party.

Children can be very thoughtless - would you be able to afford to stay overnight somewhere? I have done this through a site called airbnb where you can rent a bedroom or a one-bed self contained apartment/flat for just one night in most places. The costs are much less than staying in a hotel but you have all the comforts of home. I am going on holiday later this month with my daughter and three grandchildren and have found a lovely 4 bed house to rent through airbnb for a week for what I would have paid for three nights in a Travelodge! (we need two rooms now though so that makes it more expensive). If you had your own space then you wouldn't have to worry.

I would feel sad too but staying with son 2 will be lovely even if his flat is a bit spartan. Try not to dwell on your sadness ..... Just go and have fun celebrating x

Old old story, that adult children don't realise that parents are becoming elderly, which leads to thoughtlessness.

Have a good time there.

Well I think you should stay with DS2 anyway and see what help you can be to him. Can you spare some stuff he would find useful if his flat is so bare? Can you bring (or buy there) some ingredients for some suppers you know he likes and put in freezer?
Copies of treasured family photos framed for him , a picture from your own stock? Will you be bringing wine and cooking or do you think you will take him out? Be there for him, not a martyr. It will all be much easier on everyone including you. Dont forget to get your cracking outfit ready. xx

Yes, hurtful; just one more incidence of "a son's a son till he takes him a wife" BUT, no there will be no advantage in letting it spoil the occasion.
Either be independent as suggested above, or take what is on offer, and ENJOY.

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life" - true for most of the mothers of sons that I know and a hard lesson to accept. My DS is only 3 miles away but I very rarely see him, or my grandchildren, as they spend so much time with his in-laws. But you will get the opportunity to spend time with your other son and help him with his problems. Maybe enjoy a shopping trip to buy furniture while you are staying with him?

Nice post Bluekitchen
I agree, that is the spirit in which to go to the party and to stay with DS2.

and what Maggiemaybe said as well.

Bit of a mystery why son's in laws are going away on the day of the party and why the wife's sister is staying with her family in one room when her parent's house has space. Could there be some falling out there that has made a difficult situation? Maybe I am reading to much into it.

I agree with others you will be better off with the other son and give you a chance to help him make his home a bit more comfortable and give him so Mum time.

Reading through all the comments I thought, whatever would our offspring think if they read how hurt us grandmothers can be by, not meaning to, their actions. I agree with the majority and stay where you feel most comfortable either independently or with son2 and enjoy yourself. I would go for staying with son2 and enjoy quality time with him. Good point to stay out of the hustle and bustle of the party house !

When my son split up, he too moved into an unheated flat with only a bed and a microwave. It meant the world to him that I was more than happy to go and stay over and chat into the early hours regardless of the circumstances, without making judgements. I think you have 2 benefits - spending time supporting and travelling with son 2 who is probably having a bit of a rough time after split and enjoying the family get together for son 1 birthday. Have a great time!!

I may have missed something, but you have two sons living in the same town, and you are going to the party at DS1 and staying with DS2? Sounds fine.

If DS2 is recently separated, how nice for you to stay with him and catch up. I would also, as others have suggested, take some comfort food, photos, wine.

If you find his flat cold, perhaps take an electric bed pad/warmer or a hot water bottle with bed socks, then super cosy.

Do you prefer DS1 to DS2?

You have been invited to the party and you are staying with your son. Sounds potentially fabulous, do go there and enjoy it. ?

Agree w Suzied

I agree with Jalimill. Maybe take a nice housewarming present for Son2. Sounds like he could do with something cheering (in addition to the visit).

I have 2 sons and I do sympathise, JuliaSeizer. Initially I would probably think the same as you do and feel hurt. But having read the many positive posts on here, I hope I would take another look, be positive and get the best out of the situation. The opportunity to offer great support to DS2 and go to the party is a win/win in my book. Go for it!

agree with all of the positive posts on here Julia. Our children can be thoughtless at times, as can we, with no intent to cause upset.

Do as so many have suggested, stay with DS2 and have a great time.

Might be best to stay with DS who is alone. He could probably do with a bit of love and pampering from his mum, as he is having a hard time at the moment.
I don't think you should be hurt - even the most loving of children can be very thoughtless at times, after all you spent years pampering them and putting them first, and habits are hard to change.
Go along and have a wonderful time, and put negative thoughts out of your head!

Go to a local hotel, they'll all be up til the early hours while you can sink gratefully into a comfy bed and not have to share the bathroom or loo with anyone !

Hugs...as we have all been at the end of our children's thoughtlessness at some time or another. It is sons and men. I know there are wonderful exceptions so please don't any one reply to me telling me how wonderful their sons are. I thank God I have both sons and daughters.
Woman are ( generally) more empathic and make better carers. They just do. I can see clearly from the way my husband and his brother look after the needs of their Mother and Father. I am more empathic towards their parents than they are.
I dread being left with my dear kind husband looking after me because I know what I am in for.
To illustrate, I am ill at the moment. What do you want to eat, he says? So I think...nice sausages and onion gravy, and mash. Because that is what he loves...school dinners. He is off to a agricultural show in the afternoon and so I thought he would bring back some some lovely locally made sausages. He comes back with them, from Aldi. ....Ok..at least he has some. Then he stands at the door of the sick room and says ' do I think the potatoes are too small to peel? I know why he is asking...it's because microwaved baked potatoes are easier. I say ' I want mash! . He bought onion gravy from Aldi ( I would have made fresh)
I love my husband dearly and he is a wonderful person but he is a bloke.
You just have to bite your tongue OP and enjoy the scraps you are given by your sons. Like a lot of us, we realise how wonderful our parents were when it's too damn late.

Why do you prefer to stay with S1 over S2? I think it makes no difference where you bed down. Other things would hurt me, not this, we are all so different?

I think I would stay in a hotel near by and class it as a treat. Enjoy.

I'm with Tessa - if you can afford stay in a hotel or B&B. It's lovely that your son has invited you.