Staying with family

Eglantine is right, I corrected things my mum got so wrong, and my kids am sure do the same. My daughter always welcomes my input, but I will intervene as little as poss. With DIL I will say, “ please done speak to Mummy like that as it upsets Nanny to hear it”. She is happy with that and puts a thumb up to me so the boys can’t see. A friend of mine just used to put her coat on, and when the kids asked where she was going, she would say “back home as Nanny gets upset with bad behaviour “ .... the kids then begged her to stay and they would be good ! Worked every time and that way the parents don’t feel undermined.

Just keep smiling and don't say a word. How they bring up their children is up to them.
We have difficulty accepting how some of our Grandchildren are brought up but we just keep smiling and then pull our hair out and have a rant on the quiet later to relieve the tension.
Our adult children are doing the best they can in the current circumstances, just as we did. They don't want even a whiff of critiscm from us (as they'd interpret it) only our wholehearted support. But I totally agree, it is challenging!
Good Luck!

It's a different and often very tough world and our offspring lead totally different lives to the ones we led. They and grandchildren have and need different skills. I think my two+two are doing a brilliant job and I'm in awe of them. We live in different countries/continents and visits are for one week plus so I feel I'm given a good insight. The grandchildren are delightful and a credit to their parents. I'm immensely proud of them. Enjoy your grandchildren, have fun with them and give them good memories to store up of you. You wouldn't like them to think of you as uptight, disapproving Granny

Glad to see Saggi's correction as it would be just as odd to be restricting the reading of a 19 year old!
I want to pick up on Farmor15's suggestion. I take crochet with me - usually doing 'granny squares' that don't take up much room. It interests the children (I have actually done a talk at their school and demonstrated).
My advice is to congratulate appropriately, the things they do well. Makes them feel good, and much more likely to discuss other things with you. I say 'discuss' because I am rarely asked for advice, but I am regularly invited to discuss what is going on.

Don’t even go there. It’s your d children and you need to accept her parenting

My mother has a facial expression which says just as much as words would, so we have always known when she disapproves of something. Consequently we used to dread her visits when the children were young.

I remember this whenever I stay with my DD and her children. Their ways are different, but so are the times and I wouldn't want her job these days. I just enjoy my time and laugh and smile a lot!

Stay. absolutely dumb, and arrange your face!! It’s is so true most of us are on eggshells, see my first post, if you lose your place in the daughter/or dil life,I don’t think it can be regained . and it’s us who lose out.please don’t comment at all.X

Even when you keep out of things sons girlfriend seems to find something critical to say to my son about me. My relationship with my son has become non existent. Seems to me you’re not liked just because you’re their mum and they just won’t accept you no matter what

Learnt that total silence sends a message of granny's disapproval! Wasn't always like this though...

Grandparents should normally not interfere.

...our job is much easier than parenting.

Let's keep it that way.

My house, my rules. Their house, their rules. Simples! Mind you my DD says my face is a reflection of my thoughts

When my daughter became pregnant I said to her that she should tell me if she thought I was interfering, and that current childcare had changed considerably since she was little, so any advice I could give would probably be out of date.
I was horrified (scared horrified) when she weaned DGD with the baby led method of giving the baby chunks of food to chew on - she said if the baby was choking it was breathing! But we have a gorgeous soon-to-be-five little and as they say, the proof of the pudding...
I said she should listen to what people say, read up on current best practice then do what her instincts told her was right, because every child is different.

I know what you mean, Sandym8 - the same happened to me because I counselled (borne of my own experience) not to be in a hurry to get engaged and married. He was 17, she 21. He announced a few weeks ago that they were splitting up, and (it’s shameful, I know) I was glad. I feel as if I have got my son back, although I always thought if he didn’t see me it was by his own choice, not hers.

"she weaned DGD with the baby led method of giving the baby chunks of food to chew on -"
What goes round comes round! When my eldest was a toddler, 52 years ago, I saw a baby of a similar age sitting in his pram outside the butchers. His Mum came out and gave him a huge marrow bone to chew - he was teething.

We have simply told the younger generation, including children and young neighbours, my nieces etc. that they are more than welcome to ASK for advice or help if and when they need it, but that DH and I have absolutely no intention of offering advice, that is neither needed , wanted or has been asked for.

However, in our home, we have once or twice told a child firmly and kindly in a quiet tone of voice, that we do not do (or say) that in our house. One grandchild did come back with "but Dad lets me at home" to which I replied "what Dad lets you do at home is no business of mine and I am sure he will tell you that what we say the rules are here, is no business of his"

A phone call to Dad made by my indignant GS resulted in the young man being told exactly what I had just said.

Bringing up children is bound to differ from one generation to another because we are living in a different society now to the one we brought our children up in and there is always a certain amount of peer pressure from other families.

I agree with all the comments above re. Their House, Their Rules. But what happens (as has recently been the case for me) when the rules in our own homes are not respected? I, after much careful consideration, (my daughter having previously said in another context that I need to be more assertive...) did say something to my daughter re. four year old GS’s mealtime behaviours which are upsetting to everyone. It has not gone down well... tensions have risen and I am told that GS is now scared of coming to Grannie’s house.

Unless a child is being abused you cannot interfere. This would be seen as criticism and undermining making the situation worse.
How would you have coped with judgement being made on your parenting. Hard I know and i do sympathise.

I had to visit 2 great grandmothers with my chikdren - I made a note that when I was their age I would not criticise! Having anybody to stay is added stress and children are inclined to take the opportunity to play the parents up.

OP totally agree with all PPs. Keep stum. Ask your DD what you can do with your GCs or to help her. Your DD would probably welcome you reading to them, helping with bath time or whatever. Or you prepping food or cooking. And put your glad face on - I could tell my DM's disapproval with one raised eyebrow and a prune mouth.

We all have different ways of bringing up children - I've always been (internally) critical of how my DB and his wife bring up their children. So it's not just generational.

And let your GCs and DD know how much you love them.

As for the PP up there asking about what disagreements we all have with DCs and DGCs, beware. While it's quite interesting it might be a journalist who can quote you.

Bite your tongue and keep quiet. Don't do anything that may mean you are invited less frequently and see less of precious grand children. Just smile and enjoy their company.

I can still remember how irritating I found it when my own Mum criticised or commented unfavourably on my child rearing. Times change, as do methods, and I keep my mouth firmly zipped. DD seems to be a doing a great job as GS is a little smasher!

Saggi..... Well goody for you and your family. I really don’t think keepingquiet wants to hear about what a wonderful granny you are!.

Keepingquiet... wise people are not always silent but they know when to be.

I think it's best not to criticise, only offer advice if asked and always be supportive.

Not always easy but my motto is zip, love, forgive.

keepingquiet (the name says it all!), my mantra tends to be - it may be much of my concern but it is NONE of my business. I've had my turn and a fine pair of lads they've turned out to be in spite of me!