New family boundaries

My daughter and her husband did not want anyone else around once they were home from hospital with the first new baby.
When the second baby was due I was much in demand before the event, but once they came home from hospital, they wanted to bond as a little family of four.
So everyone is different.
I had very little help with my babies after the first few days.

My DIL, on the other hand, has always been very close to her family from the word go. They spend every Christmas together too.

I think that most new mums would prefer the company of their own mother to mil. Your time will come but if you make a fuss over this now you could make yourself the loser.

Your situation comes up in one guise or another quite often and the replies people will give you can only come from their own experience so are going to be of all kinds. You say how about some advice, well mine is bide your time a bit it is very early days, I understand how much you want to get in there and help and have some cuddles and hopefully this will happen soon. A new mother almost inevitably wants her mum around if that is possible. If you have got on with everyone up to now then just keep smiling and enjoy your times with baby as they occur.

Please stop looking on this as a competition. You WON'T win.

Possible rivalry between grandparents can be very difficult. I’m lucky to live only 10 drive from my son, his partner and my beautiful 5 year old granddaughter but I find DiL’s mother very difficult to cope with. It’s partly that she is covered with tattoos- can’ bear the sight of them - but mostly that she drinks very heavily. I remember the day when we were going out together for a family lunch but she downed an entire bottle of Baileys before we left for the restaurant. I just don’t feel happy that granddaughter sees such thing, but don’t know what I can/should do about it. Any suggestions?

Well, at first my DIL kept em on a distance, kind-off'ish. Welcome to visit, and they would come in when in the neighbourhood, but no help accepted at any time - after a C-section! O.k., I know my place, so stayed on stand-by but not interfering. Fast Forward, dear baby-grandson is 7 months now. I get asked all the time, could you pick him up from daycare as I'm running late, if you have time would it be possible for you to bath him, is it o.k. if stays with you for his last feed etc....... So yes, very happy gran ?And after all.....it's their baby, their choice.

I would be careful what you wish for! I was too involved with my daughter's first child; as the relationship broke down within a couple of years and my daughter was quite a young mum, I now find myself called upon too often to deal with a lovely four year old who is prone to mega tantrums. Perhaps not surprisingly, given she spends her week in three different households. There is now a new partner on the scene and my daughter has just informed me she is pregnant again.......

Most new mothers want their own mother around your time will come but its early days and if your son isn't complaining then I don't see what it has to do with you .

Congratulations Newbiedoobie.
I’m a mum of four ds and acknowledged from day one that dil’s respective mums would come first at time of childbirth. All the dil’s mums were more involved at first and some always due to distance. However 14 years and 8 gc later they love me just as much as they do the other grannies because quality over quantity is always tops. I’m lucky enough to be the fun Gran in most cases and the daily grind Gran in another, all equally as valuable. My only regret is that I wasn’t very thoughtful towards my mil, just never occurred to me that she might want to change nappies and discuss sore nipples.
Bide your time and prepare for lots of fun times.

Violetfloss

I'm sorry to read that you had a traumatic time but the vast majority of births go well. Yours seems to have been particularly distressing but neither I nor my daughters or DIL have had any problems. I'm sure that it's just the luck of the draw as few of us know beforehand just how things will pan out.

I think a little green eye monster is rearing it’s head here.
Leave the family be and wait your turn.
I lived away when my Grandson was born and was very grateful that my daughters MIL was on hand to help.
Your DIL mother lives away, so let her enjoy it while she’s there. You will be there when she’s gone and I can tell you it is hard to be far away from your grandchild.

I'm rather with MawBroon here regarding the idea of you inviting them all for lunch/afternoon tea/ whatever. Make the gesture and you might have an encouraging outcome. I would go one step further by suggesting you try to build up a granny to granny relationship outwith the other family ties. I am fortunate to have this and I really appreciate it. A real ice breaker and discovery of many areas of mutual harmony and pleasure. Not something I particularly set out for but it evolved naturally and is now some thing I really value. Try to relax into the joy of your lovely new grandchild's arrival and the rest will fall into place methinks. Good luck.

I agree with MawBroon and Kim re inviting them for lunch, perhaps when your DS can come as well.
I really value the granny to granny relationship too, we have some days out together with the DGC - and without them too.

This post reminded me how good it was we didnt live near either parent - no support but no hassle either!

Newbiedoobie I feel really sorry for you! It also sounds as if most people here are being all sensible and telling you, basically, to hold off, it's up to the parents etc. I don't care about all the common sense answers they are giving right now! You need a place to vent your feelings and you do feel left out at a crucial and what should be wonderful time in your life. Your feelings are important and are not groundless however impossible it is to actually do anything about the situation.

All 3 of my children are girls so I was the mum who would have naturally been there when the baby arrived especially when my eldest's 1st and only and my 2nd DD's first child were both kept in hospital very ill. Well, I did go to stay for a few days with my eldest daughter, but ONLY a few days while she was in hospital because baby was ill, so I could skivvy doing laundry, shopping and make a meal for her husband and left as soon as mum and baby were home ok. I was strongly aware of their need to start life as a family - Mum, Dad and little baby son, in their home without Granny hanging around. I remember telling them I was going because I wanted them to begin life as their little family together. Her DH could not take paternity leave. His mother lived nearby and popped in and out and I was very glad of that as I loved the other granny.

Then my second daughter was in hospital while her first was very ill but this time I only stayed two days and her MIL came to look after her son at their home while my DD was in hospital with sick baby. But her MIL also had the decency to not over-stay her welcome, and went home (a long distance) as soon as mum and baby came home, so the family could bond together. The dad had his paternity leave from then on.

I can't be as objective and understanding or whatever it is these other people are being when they seem to rationalise why your DIL has her mother there so long. I can't understand why your DS has to cook the meal when the 2 of them have been there all day. That made me shout out loud in horror! I really hope your son takes control of his home soon and says he wants his family to himself.

Good luck my love, don't hesitate to visit your new granddaughter in a normal way, not like this cloying granny/mother-of-the-mother who doesn't seem to have a home of her own, a life of her own, a finger to lift to cook a meal, or any sensitivity regarding the needs of new parents. You have all my sympathy. Give your son a big hug!

I've never understood this 'need' to have one's Mother move in, or anyone, after a baby's birth, I took the view of How hard can this be? and got on with it, I do think that many women make too much of it!
A relative had her parents at her beck and call for weeks, she hardly got out of bed, at least my Mother could be very smug about how I'd coped perfectly well! It also means that one isn't bombarded with 'advice', aka interference and it helps to live abroad, I did the same when No2 was born too and if anyone offered their 'opinion' I was able to tell them that only 2 opinions mattered, with some justification.

I too don't understand the need to move in, is it a new thing ? Both my dil's came home from hospital, one after a c section to just their husbands , luckily, they did have paternity leave, but can't imagine they would have asked for help anyway, of course I would have offered but their both independent girls, and just got on with it.I also didn't have my mum living with me, I was quite ill after my first baby, but just accepted I was a mum now with a baby to look after. There was tea on the table every evening for hubby too.I think the idea of inviting them round to your house is a good one, they may realise then, you wanted to be included.Good luck and congratulations.

indispensableme Hurrah! Someone who thinks like me!! I had a terrible first birth - baby given up for dead by midwife, I nearly died, then the second not quite so bad, but bad enough so that the extremely experienced midwife took husband aside and lectured him on how bad it had been. Then third delivery worse than that one- baby apparently dead, haemorrhage again - all the paraphernalia. On third time I was home 10 hours later and had to get up for people next door to let in their repair man. With second one I was home next day to an empty house, husband had no paternity leave then! First child - we were both kept in 10 days, then I was home to do it alone as husband went back to work 6 days a week.
Did my mother come and stay at all? Do pigs fly? I don't recommend new mums being alone in first 10 days, mind you - too dangerous. But a month?? Why a whole month when there are no problems? It sounds crazy to me and as it's a first child and it's not as if they have big brother/sister to look after, it sounds selfish, not letting the new little family bond together.

I'm troubled too because I think a lot of these replies are quite nasty, even when cloaked in seemingly sweet language. People make masses of assumptions, such as that Newbiedoobie is operating entirely out of jealousy. People tell her what her son would prefer her to do, but surely she's the one who knows him best. He sounds like a very good natured guy to me, by the way, Newby.

Even if you think Newbydooby is best leaving things as they are, which I do, but not necessarily for the same reasons others give, surely you can be KIND to her? I thought we were a collectively supportive lot. Of course we all do things differently. That's why asking GN is valuable - lots of views. But ideas and views are what people look for, not judgement and condemnation. Writing an AIBU isn't easy. Explaining a situation briefly while upset is terribly hard, so please don't pounce on people and interrogate them, or lecture them about what you have judged to be their "wrongs". Do not read into them motives you might have had yourself. Most of all do not assume these are their motives. You do not really know anything like enough about this person to judge them the way some of you have been doing. If I am coming across as lecturing you now, it is only because I am frustrated by the unpleasant tone that some people take against others and the way they pick on perhaps only one thing in the script to criticise and deride. It is cruel.

I love your comment Brigidsdaughter.

I agree with luzdoh!!

OP and ludzoh I think all PILs should back off unless invited. Wait your time and offer help but don't get pissed off if it's not immediately taken up. An offer of food for them (with you dropping it off and not implying being there) would probably be hugely appreciated.

And OP I still don't understand why you're fearful your DIL's M is driving a wedge between them.

alchemilla Thanks! Totally agree about the food.

I imagine - but don't know, regarding the feared wedge - that it's a Two's Company, Three's a Crowd feeling. That is, two can sit together with the baby easily but three means someone is on the outside. I did wonder where the two women were when the new dad got in from work and had to spend time in the kitchen making his meal. It seemed like isolation for him, to me. I would have thought all day he was looking forward to being with his new baby daughter and his wife, but gets home to find Granny is hogging them and there's no meal so he has to just look after himself. That is how it came across regarding his cooking. Only our OP can explain exactly what the circumstances are, of course.

luzdoh my pleasure. But I'm still quite confused about the need for any parent, DPs or DPils to come and stay unless there is a real problem in the household. Or even the requirement for immediate visiting rights unless asked.

Can I offer another point of view (again) I stayed for 6 weeks with my DD and DGD, DD had a very difficult pregnancy and Labour, DGD was born with with a heart problem, 6 weeks prem and unable to suck, we had to feed her with a tiny cup, this is not necessarily ‘normal’ as most births are, however, I stayed, although I went to a local B & B in the evenings and went to help my sick mother at weekends. I didn’t cook as my SIL wanted to be useful in the evenings, at no time did we relax and go outside the door , most days, it was just me having a quick nip to the shops for essentials and if we all went out it was to the hospital and doctors.
My point is that the OP has no idea what is going on because she isn’t there, it’s unfortunate that she is out of the loop.
Just be patient, it’s early days and things might not be as well with your DIL as you think.

Can I also add, that if my DDs MIL had ever visited with food, she would have been very welcome, but neither of us were in any condition to entertain her.

I’ve always said that the maternal granny is the ‘real’ granny ( or ‘bread and butter’ granny as one poster put it!). I know that’s how it was with my children. Mind you, I remember being amazed at how many mums had parents with them at hospital appointments ! It was normal in those days to be in hospital for a week with a first baby, and a couple of days for subsequent ones, so I felt quite comfortable coping on my own, though I must say none of my friends worked, and were happy to look after baby, or do a wee bit housework, and my mother did supply a few dinners!
I’m sure newbiedoobie that you’ll form your own special bond with the wee one . Congratulations!