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New family boundaries

(105 Posts)
Newbiedoobie Wed 14-Feb-18 12:35:18

How much time with grandchildren is too much?
My new granddaughter is only a month old, but from a week before her birth until now her other granny has lived with the new family for about five out of seven days a week. I feel sorry for my son who works all day whilst his wife and mum in law have been out or just had a relaxing time at home and then he often has to cook. Obviously I’m also not very happy because we aren’t getting much of a look in either, but mainly I’m worried the other granny is driving a wedge between them.
Other granny does live away so she has to stay with them or not be here, but I think it’s time she backed off and let them be a family. Am I being unreasonable?
I feel very impotent; can’t see how I can help the situation. I’ve offered to help in lots of ways, cleaning, cooking, looking after baby, getting groceries, but haven’t been taken up on any of them yet. Mum in law obviously helps with these things and I suppose it seems that she’s indispensable as no other help is accepted.
I wasn’t expecting it to be like this!

luzdoh Tue 20-Feb-18 15:31:57

Oopsadaisy12 I can see your experience was totally different and must have been very stressful. I do hope your DGD is thriving now. I agree, we do not know enough about the circumstances of OP's new GD. However the mention of the two women going out suggests their experience is far from the very difficult and demanding experience you had.

Peardrop50 makes a very relevant and encouraging observation.

knickas63 Mon 19-Mar-18 17:21:49

We have a similar issue with SIL mother. She lives some distance away and visit for a weekend once a month, but she stayed for a month over Christmas! I thought my DD was going to end up arrested for murder! As SIL is an only child, we have accepted that she is part of the package. She spends Christmas and Easter with them and consequently comes to all the family occasions. It was the only way really to maintain peace. I fully expect my DIL mother to be fully hands on when they have children. Most (obviously not all) women want their mothers at this time. I did, my girls did, and I expect my DIL to as well. To be quite honest I expect they will both be glad to see the back of her for a while, they do need time on their own as a new family, and like my DD MIL, she doesn't seem to get that. I am sure it will all work itself out. Enjoy your new littel addition.

trisher Mon 19-Mar-18 18:18:44

Well my mum came to stay after all my 3 were born. Thank goodness. It was only a week because she was working, but I couldn't have managed without her. I can understand that you are feeling a bit left out, but I'm sure it isn't intentional. Grandparenting isn't a sprint it's a marathon. The other granny is ahead at the moment but if you stay as helpful and loving as you are being you will find yourself drawing level and maybe even overtaking her
As for her driving a wedge between the couple, that's up to them.

stella1949 Mon 19-Mar-18 22:37:38

When my daughter had her children we were just the same - I lived 1,000km away so I stayed there for the births and for several weeks afterwards. I don't recall anything like "going out and relaxing", I mainly remember walking the floor with the newborn while my DD nursed her poor sore breasts , and taking her for long walks in the pram while my DD tried to get some rest . The idea that her mother in law would be jealous of that, is crazy. I was wishing that someone would come and look after me ! I'd say, don't treat this as a competition - you'll have plenty of time with the new family as time goes on. And don't start feeling sorry for your son ! Men these days do as much housework as their wives, they don't expect to come home to a pipe and slippers, with a meal cooked by the little woman. Let them work out their own family dynamics and don't take sides . Good luck and enjoy your grandchild .