Paternal grandmother

Sometimes what appears to be a "close relationship" is in reality an unhealthy dependence upon someone other than a husband or wife when married - People frequently get enmeshed with apron strings - And it happens so often that it's thought of as normal -

Gingergirl, as a new grandparent myself, I'm trying my best to work through this type of situation and feelings. I've always been very close to my son, and have a great relationship with my DiL. My husband and I have always got on well with her parents. When baby came along (1st GC for all of us), I naturally expected DiL to turn to her own mum for advice/reassurance/help/etc. I wouldn't have expected anything different, as when I had my own children, I did the same. I certainly have no interest in encroaching on their mother/daughter relationship. All I want is to be a good grandparent to my GC. However, my DiL's mum is also quite dominating/bossy/manipulative (it's not just me who thinks this - many others say the same!), and she likes to 'take over' in certain situations. I won't go into details, but there have been a couple of occasions when she has deeply upset me, to the point that I had no option but to speak to her frankly about what had happened, otherwise it would've eaten away at me forever. She manipulated the situation to suit herself, and refused to see my point, but at least I got it off my chest. However, with hindsight, I wish I hadn't said anything because, although it's no longer eating away at me, and we have got one or two things out into the open, and cleared the air, there is a bit of an atmosphere between us now that was never there before, which is quite sad and regrettable. I know that my son and DiL will always make sure that we are a part of our GC's life. And I know, for whatever reason, it's always been the case that paternal grandparents tend to be further down the pecking order, so to speak (goodness knows why that ever came about though ... both sets of my grandparents were totally equal!). At the end of the day, our precious grandchildren are just as special and important to us as they are to maternal grandparents. I honestly have no idea why some people see it any differently, or why maternal grandparents sometimes think they are more important - to their daughter, yes, of course ... but surely not to the grandchild...? Anyway, after the experiences I've been through, I've come to the conclusion that, from now on, I'm going to keep tight-lipped, be a happy grandparent, and enjoy the special times that I get to spend with my grandchild. I think you would do well to do the same. It's not easy, but try not to dwell on what your DiL's mum is doing, and instead focus on YOUR relationship with your grandchildren, and make it the happy, fun, loving and enjoyable time it should be ... for us all!

My daughters see more of my family. I think it's down to a few things.

1) when you have a baby, I feel you naturally gravitate towards your own mum. I think it's natural and both times when I'm sore, tired and DH is back at work, my mum is all I want.

2) my DH isn't close to his family. As a family they don't communicate often and only tend to see each other for things like birthdays and Christmas. He never bothers contacting them. I tried to facilitate this when DD1 was younger but got annoyed with doing all the leg work when all they would talk about is how they miss DH. I gave up.

3) I don't trust my Mil to babysit. She isn't very clued up on babies and wouldn't know what to do in an emergency. My mum is used to babies, knows what to do in an emergency and will discipline and care for them they way we as parents want them cared for whereas Mil just ignores our parenting style.

gingergirl I'm glad you've had a re-think and benefited from the advice on here.

I'm swimming against the tide here. The reason my children have spent far more time with my in-laws than they have with my own mum (who incidentally couldn't care less) is that a) they live closer, and b) we get on extremely well together. My two sons live closer than my daughters do, so I see their children far more often. My daughter-in-law's parents also live just around the corner so she often pops in for a few minutes when she's been spending time with her mum (who is a good friend of mine).

I take my daughter's children on holiday every Easter so that although I don't see them as often as I see my sons' children I do get to spend a similar amount of time with them overall.

Dogs! Dgs

My eldest DD lives 200 miles away so, my Dogs (9 months) spends considerably more time with the other grand parents.
However, they are living in a city centre. I'm 5 minutes walk from a beautiful seaside.
DD brings him every couple of months and, as he gets older, we are going to make the most amazing memories building sandcastles, paddling in the sea and riding the donkeys. Hopefully this will keep us in his mind and give him something to remember us by.
Is there something you can do with him to make special memories?

Gingergirl, I guess that statistically the mother's mother gets the lion's share of grandparenting in the younger family. all else being equal. As the fathers' mother this was my own experience.

It might be possible for you to carve out a special place by a regular present of a book carefully chosen to suit your grandchild. This may seem trivial compared with the challenge that faces you, however it's possible that in later years your grandchildren will remember the books they enjoyed together with your faithfulness.

I'm in a totally different boat. I get that my DIL is joined at the hip to her mom, and her mom is joined at the hip to the grandaughter. I have absolutely no beef with that.

Their beef with me is that I don't spend as much time as other GM visiting with her, but other GM lives 2 houses down.
I live fairly close by 2 towns over, but I still have kids and husband at home, an elderly mother I visit weekly and 2 jobs.....and rheumatoid arthritis.
All my adult kids have an open invitation to Sunday dinner every week, but I dont mind if they can't make it or if theye were busy. It's their life.

I think grandparents need to butt out more and let their kids be adults. Don't get me wrong, I love all three grandbabies and probably see them all about the same amount of time........when they come visit me, or on special occasions of theirs.
They are not my reason for living - those were my kids, and they are adults now.
I'm sorry, I have a life too and I want to live it my way, not on a schedule made up by DIL and her mother competing for grandmother of the year award or something.

Really, I'm afraid, 'hard done by' grandparents need to start blaming their sons, rather than their DinLs, for their perceived unfair proportion of contact time with grandchildren. You need to bring your sons up to value family ties and not just settle for that 'easy life' doing as their wife tells them! My in-laws had 3 sons and were treated fairly by all their DinLs, including myself.

I agree with knspol. Some daughters are very close to their mothers like my daughter in law. Just keep quiet about it and don't say anything to your son or daughter in law. She is probably struggling at the moment with two small children. Someone advised you to take time off if you can and go down there and see them. Sounds like a good idea if you can. Make sure time with you is just wonderful and they will want to see you themselves.

When I was young I only saw my grandmother twice a year, my grandfather had sadly passed. I was happy with just my parents and would have found it strange to have my grandmother raising me. As I was raised this way I do not expect to be in the middle of my sons marriage vying for attention, the parents are more important in the unit of a family. Perhaps your DIL finds her mother overpowering and actually respects you for giving her space to raise her children her way. May find the situation is not as it seems. You are not nothing in their lives, they will be comforted to know you are there, but as mum and dad come first that is all they can deal with when so young. As you know new mums learn from their mothers, not from paternal mother. Its how it is, you lose a son and gain a daughter.

I think you just have to let everyone live the way they want to live.

Make the time you spend with your DGC good quality time - be fun, introduce them to different things and enjoy their company.

Try to stop comparing, it will do you no good and it's not good to allow resentments build up.

Sad to say my kids were closer to my family and my daughters kids are closer to me not because we didnt go and see my hubbys family i think as a daughter i just spent more time with my side of the family , and i live closer to my daughter than her MIL seems to be a thing though i actually dread when my son has children as i know they will spend more time with maternal GP

There's a very old saying 'a daughter is a daughter all your life but a son is a son 'til he takes a wife', it's just as relevant now as it was years ago. I must admit I'm as guilty as anyone in not seeing my mother in law as often as I saw my mum, although I will say I did see her once a week for a few hours and she had 5 other Grandchildren through 3 daughters, so hopefully I wasn't too missed. I think one of the problems is that young mothers don't actually think about dividing time more equally between the two nannies (not much help for you, I know) but I'm sure it's not intentional. Just enjoy the time you do have with them, it will all change when they go to school.

Relationships with grandchildren is all about quality and not quantity. Lots of attention and fun, being interested in what they enjoy and always listening.
I have grandchildren who live miles away, I see them four or five times a year. They live close to their maternal Granny who is very involved in their lives. I feel they love us both the same but in different ways. My local grandchildren see lots of both sets of grandparents, again my feeling is they love both the same but in different ways. Other Granny is very touchy feely, a great cook and knits beautiful jumpers for them. I am not as touchy-feely and let them choose when cuddles are wanted, I am not a great cook and don't knit but I do crafts and gardening with them, let them build dens in the house and a tree house in the garden so we are loved for different strengths. We are probably equally irritating but again in different ways.

My advice is to take what you are given without complaint and make it the best time you can. It's not a contest and I guarantee they'll love you all.

if its any comfort to you, the children know.

My 7 yr old GD said to me ''it's not fair, I get to see * more times than I see you.''

Those few little words really meant so much to me.

I understand that you may feel sad or hurt as your DIL and DGC see more of her family than they do of you - your son's family. From your position I do get that your family culture isn't as strongly represented and your DIL and or her mum have the strongest influence. As upsetting as that is that is more often the norm.

However, what I can say from being with my own DGD, we see her most weeks and her other Gran, SIL's mum, only sees her when SIL and my DD go to visit her. My DGD always talks about visits, cards, gifts, clothes than she gets from SIL's mum with real affection.

The time we get to spend with them is more and often because of circumstances but talking to DGD she has as much affection and knowledge about SIL's mum as she has for us.

She tells me the cakes are that SIL's mum bakes are yummy but she likes the ones you buy too. She's right I buy other gran bakes beautifully. She talks about differences in our gardens and what she does at each.

I'm sad for other GP that she doesn't get to spend as much time with her son and DGD but it's the way life is. I can tell you DGD has a good relationship with her other gran and she clearly loves us all.

May be your DGC don't get to see you as often but may be they feel as if they do have a different but loving relationship with you. I hope as they grow that they do feel the benefit of a different and loving relationship with you.

My maternal gran lived with us and I loved getting away to my other GP. I got to have someone who was interested in what I was doing as they weren't there every day. Also I got to have GP's as my gran felt like another parent, she was also another person I had to please and not upset.

My other GP's felt like people who cared about me - I didn't have to do things for them, they did special things for me, not big things as they couldn't afford to. But I got meals I liked, little treats and time with them when they didn't expect me to do jobs.

I loved going to see them so may be your DGC will get to a similar place as they get older. I hope so and if you work to build that sort of relationship for them you could be giving them something special.

I'm sure you are being a loving and caring GP, it will show, chin up and carry on -as they say. Good Luck for the future.

Be a adopted Grandmother
Make friends with a nice young mum who hasn't got a mum (nearby etc ) to be granny, and she would appreciate you as you should be appreciated!
Yours sound very shallow and don't deserve you ...

You will never be as close to your DIL as her mother is to her. That is just the way it is. My sister in law tried to be the daughter to my mother that I was. It caused problems. My mother recently died and during her last days it was obvious that the daughter in law is never the daughter. Just enjoy what you can. The nice thing is the grandchildren over time will choose to be with the ones who are best with them. So, you never know what the future may bring.

Keep in touch with the children as they get older by sending them little things in the post , post cards or phone them . I only wish my DDIL's family had more to do with the GC . They live far away but make little effort to see them ever . The only ones who miss out are the children the grand parents do not seem to realise what they are missing .

Hang tight ......your grandchildren are very young and as they get older, situations do change somewhat. It’s not possible to change the current situation and getting upset because you aren’t ‘constant’ in their lives now and in the foreseeable future is so futile, because it just makes you more miserable.

Look on the bright side......and because you are not “on call” for babysitting, childcare advice or family dramas, become the Granma that enjoys her life by being outgoing, tries new things and values new friendships. When your grandchildren hit their teenage years and start testing their independence they will see you through totally different eyes!!!

Could you offer to babysit on. That would then soon become your time with the children.

Yesterday my 3 year old grandson (son's little one) said, I've got 2 Nannies. I thought he meant me and his mum's mum. Then I realised he calls his mum's mum "Ma'', short for grandma, I suppose. Anyway, I then realised he was referring to my ex husband's wife (the one he had an affair with, when he was married to me). I was very hurt...surely, they could have taught him to call her something else like Nana or Nan, but not the same term he uses for me. Maybe I'm being petty but there you go...that's life

It's really hard to accept you aren't able to be really involved. You say yourself you work a d your time would be limited anyway. Is that not your answer? Your DiL will know you are not so readily available. I live a flight away from GS so I too just can't turn up when needed. The other GM lives very close and can and does help out in emergencies. However I am prepared to travel to look after GS for their overseas holidays, school holidays etc whereas other GM will only have GS for a couple of overnights at the most. GS seems to think of me as his GM more than the other. What I am saying is that it would be the quality of contact, not the amount that seems to count. Enjoy whatever time you have with GC.

When my children were small grandmas saw them more or less equally. Both were widows and in their 60s. They each came for a day a week as lived near also both came on Sundays. There was no competition on the whole. However some of my own grandchildren live nearer to their maternal grandparents and see them much more often. We try and get to see them about every 10 weeks as they are200 miles away and we have to use a B and B as they have no room for us to stay we d love to be nearer and see them more often but it won’t happen however we have a great time when we see them.and all get in well. That’s just the way it is !! We also have grandchildren a few mile away who we see weekly so we are lucky in that