Women who want a divorce but don't want to lose the lifestyle

Honestly, if possessions and wealth are more important than a relationship I understand only too well why the marriages you mention broke down.

In the husbands' place I would kick these women out!

No need at all to feel sorry for the wives, but good reason to sympathise with their husbands.

You can't eat your cake and have it too!

It’s their choice, so they have to live with it. Nothing for you to be worried about.

When I left my husband, I took with me a single bed, a table, one dining chair and a Habitat "comfy chair". All things from my single life. When a friend was coming to stay, I had to buy another bed, dining chair and sofa. Everything was on a shoestring but when I closed my front door I was content. Now, looking back, I can see that husband was emotionally manipulative and controlling, in addition to being regularly unfaithful. All of which I believed was my fault. I never read the "right" books or listened to the "right" music. Everything in the house had been chosen from a spectrum of things he'd liked. Same went for the holidays. Over the next year, I gradually added to my little house, knowing that everything was there because I had chosen it. Once I had actually left him, it seems I became the only one for him. Took everything I had to keep saying NO.
This was over 30 years ago and I have since met and married a wonderful man who has been the light of my life for many many years. 29 year anniversary coming up. But even if I had remained single, as I'd expected to be, I would still have NEVER regretted it. Staying in a soul sapping marriage purely for monetary reasons will destroy the you that is you.

If men are keeping these women around knowing they are only in it for the money, they are getting something out of the arrangement themselves. No-one likes getting used, so there must be a reason they accept it.

Bijou ?

It really can’t be so bad if they like the money possessions and lifestyle more - maybe they should just hope their husbands don’t meet someone else who is prepared to live for better and worse richer or poorer

I decided to be a single parent to my 2 boys, keep my soul, my dignity, sense of worth and mental health intact...and asked my ex husband to leave. [Take his unhappiness, financial abuse and controlling ways somewhere else, and leave 2 little boys in peace to grow up happily].

I knew it would be hard, difficult financially as he didn't pay anything towards the mortgage. But i went on benefits temporarily, sorted out more work and then took in a lodger who was a godsend at the time.

I could breathe, the tension in the house eased, the atmosphere was light and happy. Freedom, life, new experiences.

I would never stay with anyone for the money/lifestyle. I would rather live frugally, on my own...and with peace of mind. But that's just me. I understand why other circumstances and personalities would not feel able to do it. But to have a miserable life for money is a poor reason in my eyes.

I had a conversation with a friend of a friend once who told me [wearing a fur coat at the time!] married [didn't love] her husband for his money/house. I was horrified. I couldn't do that.

Peace of mind and a sense of self-worth may seem unattainable in a marriage where you're subservient to a more powerful personality. It’s a downward spiral unless you choose to break it.

Get professional legal advice and you may find that a division of assets allows you to survive on your own. Self financing = self respect. You only have one life (unless you’re a Buddhist).

What terrible attitudes! Sorry but if they were seriously unhappy then they would leave, especially if there is a holiday cottage to live in in the interim

It depends how unhappy and also, conversely, how confident the woman is (a controlling husband saps confidence and persuades his wife she's helpless).
He may not agree to a divorce so she has to fight through the courts for every penny. She may not have a support network or enough income to find accommodation for herself and refuges all have waiting lists, if they exist, nowadays. A manipulative husband can stonewall for a long time.
If she grew up in poverty and insecurity, the prospect of returning to that may be terrifying. She may not have a car to escape in.
To be brave enough to walk away into the unknown after many years is not to be underestimated.
As for the husbands, they have a choice too.

songstress60

Do not under estimate financial security because lack of money can cause health problems. I have gone out with men because of the lifestyle they gave me. Hey I earned a low wage, so why shouldn't I! Love does NOT pay the bills. When poverty knocks at your door love flies out of the window.!

How about working to support yourself instead of leaching off a man? Little better than being a prostitute if the only reason you're with them is for the money.

Gagajo, it is not unknown for a man to not be happy for his wife to work at all or work a minimum wage job so that she has to rely on him for everything, and has to do his bidding divorce is pretty expensive and it can be very hard to make the break, with young children some women can be worse off working if he doesn't pull his weight with childcare, not good to call everyone who finds herself relying on a man a prostitute.

I was replying to songstresses specific situation.

Although I have to say, if you let yourself become totally dependent on a man, that is a very bad move. So what if a man wants you to be trapped in the house? Women have minds of their own and only one life. Don't waste it!

Children aren't young forever. It is quite possible to get out to work or qualify for something new once they're at school. I did that myself. Worked 3 jobs, including stacking supermarket shelves at night, with a child post divorce, while I studied (I had worked before but requalified as a teacher once I'd left him).

I'm now better off than my ex. Hard work and application. I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd relied on boyfriends/men to supplement my low wages.

Rosiebee my story is so very similar to yours!

I think that it's quite possible to sympathise with someone who is ground down by a controlling partner and has lost her confidence whilst at the same time having no sympathy with women who have (apparently) admitted that they are staying with their husbands so that they don't lose access to the holiday cottage and prefer to have their bills paid for them.

The situations are not at all comparable.

I'm not sure about that Doodledog; I suppose fear of losing a standard of living or status in the community they live in, could be just as paralysing to some women as a fear of physical, emotional or mental cruelty is to others. But there comes a tipping point for some where, no matter what causes the fear or trepidation of being on one's own, they finally find the courage to leave everything and step into the unknown. Some are braver than others. Some are more scared than others.

@Doodledog indeed, not at all the same, for any woman in the unchosen dependence so very hurtful to be described as like a prostitute.
Never underestimate how difficult it is for a woman to leave, and it's not for lack of bravery, if a woman truly is only staying for a good lifestyle it is not for anyone to judge, none of us know what anyone's life is like in private.

It is possible for a wife to stay for security for herself and her children which does not mean luxury or a good lifestyle.
Some women are so scared of the future they cannot contemplate leaving.
Let us not condemn all women who stay for their children and security, it takes enormous courage and sacrifice.

Yes, there is middle ground between the two extremes in my post.

I was not at all saying that I have no sympathy with women who stay in marriages out of fear of the unknown, or for her children; but they are not the circumstances described by the OP.

I don't feel sorry for women or men[and yes some men do the same]
I had 2 bad marriages, very unhappy with 4 children in the end to look after, got nothing,as it was all in their names, and they found a way out of sharing it,and very rarely any maintenance either, both are still much better off than me
In those days there was no CSA to make the husbands pay, and it meant going back to court each time
If money and possessions mean more to these people it's what they choose,so up to them
I couldn't live with someone i despised or even didn't love anymore,

I am staying because he wants half of everything despite the fact he has already had that in failed businesses and giving his kids money and lending money to friends that never paid him back. Now he wants half my company pension me to sell the house and give him half. I have paid all the bills, mortgage etc for 30 years so he has no right but the law says different. I think the law should change and only have claim to what a person has contributed and never never anything from a company pension male or female.

Paddyanne I was a SAHM with 3 children. I cetainly didn't sit on my ass. You've no right to say that.

As for staying in a bad marriage, my friend did that and her last few years were miserable. She envied me my courage to leave. I worked f/t and also did a weekend job for a while to survive but it was worth it.

I must add though, I think a wife is better to continue working and keep her own income. I wish my own daughter had.

After reading the posts I just hope future generations of women realise the importance of financial independence and not depending on a man as a meal ticket

@annepl neither did I sit on my ass as a SAHM, I added as much to the marriage as I would have done had I gone out and returned to my previous job, locally the only people who seemed to make a profit on returning to work with young children were those who had family locally who had childcare provided by family members, who were I guess in effect, 'sponging' off other women, rather than their husband, or worked shifts with husband ,so someone was always available for the children, had that been us it would have been the nightshift for me as now ex went into work late and worked late and always went out of an evening, I never got evenings off, husband never even took a day off to look after the children so I could go to my grandmother's funeral. When my children were little I used to sometimes feed a young lad up the road far too young to be left on his own while everyone was at work, after discovering that he spent the money given to him for food [chips - only local takeaway, as too young to use the cooker] on sweets, so I'd do him beans on toast, a sandwich or whatever. But hey the parents were working, so all good. I try not to judge other women but I fail in situations like this, I'd never have been prepared to do that, no idea if it was because they couldn't afford childcare or like me had no family around. Even as they got older they still benefitted from having someone there who could help them with their schoolwork and broadening their education, which has I believe paid off massively looking at the well rounded and well-educated adults my children have become, they are hardworking, caring and compassionate and understand that people need to work together, for the common good, and not like some might have predicted, spoilt and selfish. I could have become a childminder and looked after my neighbour's child while she looked after mine, that would have led to the same actual extra income into the household, in fact probably less as there are costs to running a business, and I guess I'd have needed a car extra costs. Yet somehow I am the one in the wrong, not contributing to the household or local economy. I was able to volunteer around the children and benefit the community in that way, and being voluntary I could drop it when I needed to and pick it up again when I could.
Doing the DIY, repairing things and basically everything to do with running a home has served me well now I'm single as I'm used to doing everything, it's nothing extra for me, but I know that ex has found it extremely hard to adjust to doing things for himself.
When I started work being able to pay a married woman's stamp had only just been abolished, things were very different back then, if I had my time again I'd do differently I'm sure, I'd chose a man who was prepared to be an equal partner, who would do his bit with the home and children. Back then marital rape was legal, and anything I did earn, I did manage some occasional one-off things, or interest from savings, had to go on his tax return. It was classed as his. I've never thought of my mother as being like a prostitute either, to be honest.