Older partner's driving

PS re kittylester's comment. I didn't say the problems of travel were a reason to let dangerous drivers on the road. I asked a question as others recognised. But thinking about it I do wonder about the overall costs and benefits. Young drivers have far more accidents proportionate to their numbers in the population but no-one suggests they should be kept off the road or subject to regular 3 yearly assessment primarily, I suggest, because they contribute to the economy through work. A middle aged driver can have a stroke or heart attack without warning while at the wheel (I know someone that happened to: he survived but others did not) but we don't insist on regular tests for them. And of course any of us can be the victim of a rogue drink driver over which we have no control unless we all stayed indoors (where many other types of accidents occur). The consequential costs for older drivers prohibited from driving are pushed onto them rather than shared as a community cost (for better public transport, for example) which seems unfair if the beneficiaries are the rest of the population. Just exploring the point, not arguing one way or the other.

An elderly person who was being investigated for poor driving killed a 16 year old by mounting the kerb in a nearby town. The driver died a few months later. My husband stopped driving years ago because of his vision. He was an excellent driver and misses it very much. Not only do I think that you were not being unreasonable, I think that you had no choice. I think that people who keep quiet for a peaceful life carry a lot of responsibility.

About 2 years before he died, my husband`s driving began to get very erratic, to the extent that I didn`t feel safe, so I refused to go out in the car anymore. He continued to drive himself about though, but after a few more months he gave up driving, and our daughter drove us to places in our car.

Sadly, some men consider themselves the best drivers and their women are way down the list in being able to handle a motor vehicles........until it comes to the men wanting to have a few beers and then it is a whole new ball game!

Intelligent, receptive and responsible drivers will recognise when they are becoming a danger to themselves and other road users. Yes, it is demoralising when you realise the time has come to hang up the car keys but what price do we put on a life?

Whilst I accept that not everyone is in receipt of mobility allowance quite often those that are do not want to spend that allowance on taxis to take them to appointments, shopping etc.

No you were not unreasonable, he probably got angry because he knew you were right!

Low powered cars can still inflict a lot of damage in the wrong or incapable hands

No, you ANBU

Grantanow

How do older drivers get on in rural areas where there is almost no public transport and taxis are expensive?

We are as you describe.

Our daughters assure us they will "take the keys" and take care of us. No idea what that entails in rural area, but we'll quit driving when necessary.

Petrol, insurance, maintenance, MOT, other costs of driving are also expensive - surely there is some balance there.

It's fine if you have children to take the keys Norah but we are childless (not through choice).

No, OP, you were quite right.
Re older people living rurally, I know from experience that getting to and from medical appointments can be a major problem. Our parish council runs a volunteer driver scheme that can be called upon and we do still have buses going through the village albeit not as frequently as they used to. Retiring to somewhere beautiful but remote is definitely not a good thing. Unless, of course, you are prepared to move again.

Is your husband over 70? Don't you have to declare fitness to drive every few years?
If his night vision is is becoming an issue then it might be time for a eye test. An optician will state if there is an issue where driving is concerned. Sorry if if this feels like 20 questions!

Grantanow

It's fine if you have children to take the keys Norah but we are childless (not through choice).

I understand.

I also posted if "petrol, insurance, maintenance, MOT, other costs of driving are also expensive - surely there is some balance there."

I believe if our daughters fell off our earth - we could perhaps balance cost to taxi against high cost to auto ownership?

We have the same issue with my father in law , he's 93 , his health has deteriorated this year and my mother in law , 87, is worried. She won't drive anymore due to lack of confidence, they're very old school, he always did the driving etc. My husband is their only child and won't say anything to his father about his driving. I keep out of it myself, fil can be difficult and I don't want the hassle these days. I think its crazy to let him carry on driving , what if he had an accident, hurts them , or someone else

You were not at all u reasonable, it sounds as if he needs to have his driving assessed, he sounds a menace I'd not want to be near on the road. And in the dark and wet, madness. Just the other day I read about an 82 year old driver who had driven on the wrong carriageway of the A 1 and been killed, can't remember if she was going south down the northward carriageway or vice versa but honestly she was putting everyone else's life at risk. There comes a point where drivers have to honestly consider whether they are safe. If not do they need a cataract removing perhaps, is there something that can be done to help them. My own father drive into his 90s and gave up because of his eyesight. But up until then I had actually felt safe being driven by him, but towards the end he stuck to local trips. Mum had given up well before then and took the bus train or taxi, or they went with someone else. Cutting down on driving happened over a period of time for Dad. Taxis cheaper in their area than mine though, and he had a good relationship with a local firm
Imagine yourself. Going the wrong way down a major road.... Is he that bad or is he OK during daytime locally on roads he knows well. Whatever you do don't stand in front or behind the car in case he forgets to out the brake on or he puts his foot on the accelerator instead of the brake, you do read aot of stories about hitting the wrong pedal
If his problem is fixable, would an automatic car help?
Father in law kept driving with dementia, so irresponsible of mil not to insist on driving or have his license taken away, even if happy to take the risk what about other road users or people on the pavement etc

Quote: I also posted if "petrol, insurance, maintenance, MOT, other costs of driving are also expensive - surely there is some balance there."

I had to make this point a few years ago to an elderly auntie who said she couldn't possibly afford taxis.
Once we went through the costs of owning, running, maintaining her car for the few times she used it - she realised that she was actually saving money. Added to which she lived in an area that was served very well by an efficient bus service and she had a bus pass. But I realise that isn't an option for everyone.

I had this issue when my husband developed dementia- he hadn't driven me for a couple of years but I knew his driving was becoming more erratic. My sister suggesting getting a friend to go out with him in the car to assess his driving; when I suggested this, my husband just said no and handed me his car keys. He knew.

Intelligent, receptive and responsible drivers will recognise when they are becoming a danger to themselves and other road users.

In the case of my mum, who drove until her late nineties, despite my trying to persuade her not to. She insisted that she was just as good a driver as she had ever been, and was perfectly capable of continuing.

I do feel that we should have an age related limit on people's driving licences. After a certain point - 75? they should have to have their driving assessed every 3 years, not just an eye check. Inevitably their reactions become slower, their brain works more slowly and often they are physically more frail as they get older. My mum was so determined to carry on driving that she couldn't be persuaded to stop.

My DH stopped driving a couple of years ago, as his eyesight had deteriorated to the point that he wasn't safe anymore. He misses the convenience of driving, but we are fortunate to live in an area with excellent public transport. I have told my DD to let me know if she thinks that I am becoming dangerous! I don't mind night driving in my local well lit area, but find it very difficult in the countryside, so dark!

I don't agree that there should be a cut off age for driving. Many older drivers are more able than some younger drivers. My MIL drove till she was 89 and never had an accident. For many of us there is little alternative to having our own transport. My last post on this topic.

Sometimes not having accidents also involves other drivers preventing them

Grantanow

I don't agree that there should be a cut off age for driving. Many older drivers are more able than some younger drivers. My MIL drove till she was 89 and never had an accident. For many of us there is little alternative to having our own transport. My last post on this topic.

It can be the case that "you" have never had an accident but have been the cause of many.

I’ve driven since being 17, but can’t say I enjoy it. More of a necessity, always having lived in a rural area.

If I had heaps of money, I would have a chauffeur. It wouldn’t bother me if I never had to drive myself again.

I am amazed that wealthy people, the Royal Family for example, don’t have others drive them all the time. All that kerfuffle when the DofE caused that accident, and he finally had to acknowledge that at 97 or whatever, he was past it.

Why?

age is variable at which detrioration happens, depends on many factors. Post 75 testing is ridulous, many over 75 are perfectly good drivers, being able to slip in and out of fast moving traffic.

Unfortunately selfishness comes into the equation, not wanting to be without car canvenience, no matter the risk to other people. Stroke can happen to any age, which rules out people on hihj bp and those with atrial fibrillation. Anyone with those conditions could also be on a `caution` list for dlvc

Personally I gave up night driving because I appreciated that I was being dazzled. I work my way around that limitation. I will know if/when I becom unsafe and would take appropriate action.

I have a very distant relative with dementia, who still drives. I do think that many drivers should be off the roads, drink, drugs, medications etc Old age is the least worrying

No, you were not unreasonable at all,

Most of us will reach a point when we are no longer safe to drive. I went through this with both of my parents.

Unfortunately, the reaction to being told that we should no longer do things is usually to be hurt and therefore angry with the person who mentioned the matter.

I hope your husband realises that you are right and that you mentioned the matter because he asked and because you are genuinely concerned that he might cause or be involved in an accident.

The hard part is knowing where to go from here, isn't it?

Could you persuade him to have his eyes tested? Cataracts make seeing the difference between light and shade hard, and can restrict ones field of vision. As they can be easily removed today, it is stupid not to check whether he has a cataract forming in either eye, or even in both.

Glaucoma cannot be cured, but its progress can be delayed, and the sooner you get treatment the better the prognosis is.

Yet another good reason to make an appointment for an eye-test.

He might after all only need glasses to be a safe driver once again, (unlikely, but perhaps a selling point re the eye test.)

If he won't have his eyes tested, then I am afraid your only option is to refuse to be a passenger in the car.

Hell no, you were NOT unreasonable!!!
If he doesn't like your answer, tell him to pay out for taxis!!
Life & safety first!!!!