Meeting grandchild while dil is estranged

Yummysushi, Sounds to be a very unkind MIL. Leave her to DH, he can take care to her relationship with his child. There is no positives to getting tense with hurt feelings an unkind person.

And has it worked Newmom 101 I am afraid you do not have a harridan of a Health visitor on your doorstep every week for the first few months unlike we oldies had.

Op the next time your MIL says something like that respond with

"MiL, did you mean to be so rude?"

Yummy I posted as below on another thread (...I hope that my description of how I dealt with my MIL and created a tolerable relationship might help a little bit for you in working out your own approaches ......I also suffered comments about another baby and weight etc ...I just refused to rise to the bait, just said that my husband and I would decide together about another baby; on weight I asked "What d you suggest I do about it?" ...listened, smiled, nodded etc etc and did as I saw fit. When she said it again, I said "Oh yes, you have told me your ideas, thanks for that!"...)
My MIL was a somewhat difficult and demanding personality with a tendency to find any way she could to ensure attention was always on her. However she was my husbands mother, adored by my FIL (who was very different!) and I worked incredibly hard to develop a relationship with her over time. It took a lot of slog, some tolerance of foibles and a refusal to allow unpleasant barbs etc to get to me or cause problems. The one area where I would not compromise was in relation to our children but I was careful to deal with any issues directly but kindly, always finding a way to acknowledge her role as a Grandmother , whilst making it clear if something was inappropriate. I used "broken record" if she ignored me the first time, just repeating what was not acceptable endlessly but gently and kindly and always repeating her important role as a Granny etc etc. All this did work and we developed a tolerable relationship. I would take small gifts and flowers when we visited and laugh when I got them back wrapped up for my next birthday!! I listened for things she liked and made sure those were bought for her birthday or Christmas. So, I was no walk over (far from it) but I was determined not to allow her to cause problems between me and my husband; he did stand with me over the children which helped. He knew that I would always stand up for myself in my own way and I never expected him to speak to his mother on my behalf.
I am not suggesting this was easy nor that I was perfect in handling it (far from it!) ...but it certainly makes me think when reading some threads on here ...and also in relation to the work I do to try and develop/maintain a relationship with my own DIL - almost reverse history repeating itself I think! And yes I am aware that I am the common factor in both relationships before anyone points that out to me and maybe suggests that I should consider that! I have...endlessly!

Her remarks about your miscarriage just show ignorance. You have oroved it all wring by having a baby, no need to rush intohaving anothe4 one.

Is it possible that your MIL feels inferior in your presence because you are better educated? If so it could lead her to be awkward and not relaxed around you. Just relax, you may never be close but you have shown that you can manage in her company for short visits. Don’t spoil it by thinking you have been too nice or by raking up the past. Why allow yourself to be bothered by her remarks about your tummy etc? That’s just the way she thinks, no one says you have to agree with her. Smile and ignore it. Try not to judge her - as they say, you have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes to understand them.

This is so simple. You are overthinking it. No one is asking you to hand over your baby. Most visitors will come round for a coffee and maybe hold the baby for a few minutes. This is all you are required to do. She lives abroad. It wont be a problem . For the sake of babys dad. Invite her to visit when he is there. Paint on a smile and keep the visit short. You will feel better for doing the right thing. You dont even need to have a relationship with her. Just allow her to meet her grandchild. After that rake it any way you want but dont fall in to the nc rubbish you see advised over on mn. Your partner deserves better even if your mil is undeserving. Be the bigger person

But yes both me and him know if someone said that to her or about her/ she would be extremely going crazy. He is completely on my side.

It’s just he is confused how to go about it because his mum has helped him in many ways and he doesn’t want to create distance between them. He has been extremely hurt by his family and I feel he wants to give things a chance again

Thanks everyone for ur replies. It means a lot as it’s difficultfor me to keep the air tense and bring this up with husband over and over. He has been great reassuring me that he loves me and so on.

Muffin, my husband won’t know how it feels like because he doesn’t have an expanding uterus. And I can’t say as me and him are quite different in some ways.

I wonder Yummy how your DH would feel if your mum said those sorts of things to him whenever he visited.

I doubt he’d be so “confused”

Those comments about your loss were outrageous whoever they came from, mums don’t get a free pass to be as awful as they want without anyone pointing it out!!

Have we been taken over by Mumsnet?
I am speechless at the judgemental attitudes articulated here, and happy to say I do not recognise this sort of MIL in any of my friends and family.

Yummy sounds like you have an idiot for a MIL. You might need to say to her when she comes out with such trite to not be so silly.

My MIL was hard work sometimes, exH told me to watch out for her as she was spiteful. I must say I learnt a lot from her and made sure when I had a DIL I treated her like a DD from the very beginning. I am happy to say DIL and I have a great relationship. I feel very lucky to have such a lovely DIL and am very grateful my DS is very happily married.

DD1 puts up with a lot from her FIL who hadn’t spoken to her for 20 years until my SIL recently told him off. I have to admit I wouldn’t have welcomed him into my home the way DD has. I think he thought no one but DD would notice. DD was at the back of the queue when they were handing out FILs, she got a dud. ?

Febmumma DD2’s FIL who is usually very nice said to DD when her last baby was 3 months old that she had a bit of a stomach. I was with her at the time and she said “she had just had a baby, what was his excuse?” Silly man. ?

Oh my goodness, glad it went okay, she sounds cruel. Regarding weight, my MIL has asked if I've lost weight and when I'm planning to every time we see them which is once a week, son is 3 months old and my FIL has once said it was good I'd made a start on weightloss! I'm a size 12 at 3 months and used to be a size 10 and they'll act as though I've let myself go!!! Think PIL feel awkward so just say stupid things! Have said to husband if they say it once more he has to tell them off as I do go home and cry!

Hi everyone ,

So I went to meet her today.. I tried to be pleasant and put it all behind me.. I wrote myself a journal of intentions and every time I meet her i put a pure intention about how my aim is to make this comfortable for her so my son can have a good relationship with his gran and that even though she is a weird mil but might be a great gran and so I shouldn’t let one relationship ruin the other..

I would like to let u all know that I feel I did amazingly well.. I even left the child with her for ten minutes and went away... I was very inviting... when she was awkward I was very ready to help her feel at ease... even invited her to the nappy change to feel involved and asked her about cooking and kids...

But that’s not a shocker to me because that’s how I always was and am....

But now I’m back home kicking myself and remembering all the things I chose to ignore and rise above ...

For example—- as soon as my husband looked away she came to me rubbed my stomach and said “is there another baby in there?”. She seemed particularly curious about my stomach and I felt she was putting me down.

I was shocked because that’s an insensitive thing to say when u want to build bridges..she also came and took me to the side and started advising me about how I should think about the next child now ... how she worried my uterus will forget how to get pregnant (referring to my miscarriage).

I feel she is complicated... I feel thtreatened again.

Let me just explain that the reaction mil had to my miscarriage was not open for interpretation. She was outright slandering me and my family to my husband, trying to convince him that my miscarriage was caused by out faulty genes /bad hygiene- and that She wishes he never married me.

She knows I found out. I didn’t confront her. Maybe I bloody should but truth is, it’s a canof worms that won’t lead to any good because o don’t have my husbands full support he is confused

Yummy sushi - good to know that there are sensible daughter-in-laws out there who actually put the well-being of their children first and nurture that special relationship for their children, with their grandparents. Well done you and Best Wishes.

Congratulations on your new baby. I too think it is very kind and considerate of you to want your MIL to be able to see her GC.

Try if you can to be present when she sees your son for the first time, such a little baby needs his mother around. No one really knows what sort of things make lasting impressions on infants, but Mummy disappearing when Granny turns up for the very first time, might just not be so good an idea!

There is nothing wrong with having a formal relationship with your MIL - that way it stays polite, I agree with you your DH probably does not really realize why his mother's former behaviour has hurt you, and trying to make him see it from your point of view is perhaps not the best way to treat the matter.

Fortunately, your MIL isn't living permanently next door, so try if you can use some of the very helpful advice already given and establish a new kind of relationship with your MIL now that you are a mother and she is a grandmother.

You sound as if you want to try your best in a very difficult situation. Follow the advice of all those who have said that being nice is the way forward. Smile and welcome her and stay in the room! The more you do it the easier it will get - even if your jaw aches from gritting your teeth and your tongue is in shreds from biting it! Breathe a big sigh of relief when MiL goes and have a cuddle with husband and baby. And pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. Who knows, maybe things will mellow in time but even if they don’t you’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing that you are the bigger person. Good luck!

Whoever said relationships change and mellow was right.
You must stay around when she visits and keep the lines of communication open. Otherwise you'll be miserable. Your DH will be torn.
You may be able to forgive this stupid woman in time!
My DM loathed her Mil but she was my gran and I had my own feelings for her. If DM wanted to hurt me when I was growing up, she would tell me I was exactly like my gran!! Ha ha it didn't bother me because I liked my gran.
I hope it works out well for you. Congratulations on your baby who only needs you right now but some day soon, he will enjoy being with his GPs.

'I need advice because with the amount of hurt I have I struggle to have empathy'

Smile and nod.
I pulled back from my relationship with my MIL too due to the hurt she had caused. I felt so much anxiety and anger towards her so felt it was best to remove myself from the situation.
I let my DH take the lead and organise things. I was still polite and civil but couldn't find it in me to forgive and forget. Once trust is broken it's hard to put back together.

Smile and nod. Works wonders.

It takes a lot of courage to put the past behind you and move forward but you can do it because you both love your husband and the new baby and want what is best for them. That will unite you over time. Be nice to your MiL, smile and be polite and remember one day you to may be a MiL. If you are breast feeding make sure MiL does not take baby off when he will be needing his feeds. I would think the only way she could undermine you at his age is to offer baby a bottle. Make it clear he is exclusively breast fed and you do not want baby to be offered bottle. Get support from your dh.

Yummysushi, for some of us when we have our first child suddenly the world looks terrible!
We want everything perfect for them, however that is a fairy tale. My late MIL and even my own mother were far from perfect but at the end of the day my kids grew up knowing them and loving them. Which by the way is a perfect world
And remember when the going gets tough do what ALWAYS works...be kind and your best and your son will emulate you.

Hi there Yummysushi. Congratulations on your new baby, you sound like you are a very sensible woman and it's to your credit that you are seeking advice from grannies. My advice in your situation would be to be present when your MIL is around your baby, if for no other reason than you will see and hear exactly what is being said and done. I have a friend, and also know another younger mum who is a neighbour, who both have major issues with their respective MILs and are pretty much no contact. I've lost count of the conversations I've had with them about it and to be honest it gets tedious. The neighbour gets so wound up for the week before her DH takes their child to the GPs house, and then spends a week forensically interrogating DH about what 'she' said and did. It has put a real strain on their marriage. My friend is similar, says she's fine with DH taking the children to grannies, but in reality DH has to go through seven stages of hell to make it all work. Just be there as a family unit and make it work for your husband and your child's sake as well as your own.

I've never really liked my MIL, for many reasons (insulting, passive aggressive, controlling of her only child), but we both make the effort to rub along for the sake of the family. When they visit, and the doorbell goes, I quietly say to myself "showtime!", I put a smile on and welcome them with open arms. I've encouraged my friends to adopt this approach (surely anyone can fake it for a couple of hours or so) but they stubbornly refuse. It really is cutting off their nose to spite their face as the tension this causes in their families is very damaging. Your in-laws love and want the best for your DH and your new baby, and that can only be a good thing. My children, who are adults now, have a lovely relationship with both sets of GPs. After 32 years, MIL and I understand each other pretty well. We're never going to be bosom buddies, but we've mellowed into our relationship and I hope she respects me as I respect (if not exactly like) her. She did say to me last year at DD's wedding, "you've brought them up beautifully", and I nearly fell off my chair - it's the first nice thing she has said to me in 32 years.

Good luck, and I think a PP idea of being pro-active and inviting your MIL before she starts asking is a really good idea.

All relationships are different.

In a perfect world we'd all get along and everyone would care for everyone else. No one is perfect.

The internet and forums such as this allow us to put relationships under the microscope and for new Mums it's often a case of asking others what they think of their relationship with their MIL.

We are of a generation that didn't use the internet to air our grievances. We just had to suck up what life threw at us, including family members who made our lives difficult. We had to resolve issues ourselves and yes, some people choose to put distance between themselves and their relatives. Sometimes it's the only way for a peaceful life.

Now, every infant entering the world is thrust straight into their own episode of Jeremy Kyle and dysfunctional relationships, it would seem.

I know for some people that may be the case, but for myself it was certainly not about control or seeing my MIL as an enemy. Like any two people thrown into becoming a part of each other's family there were of course little niggles which we've got past, but it never became an arguement, just a conversation. My mom had an appalling relationship with her MIL and I was keen to avoid that, I invited my MIL to the hospital to meet DD when I didn't invite my own mom. I've invited her round for Mother's Day and it's me who reminds DP to invite his mom round when she hasn't seen DD in a couple of weeks. I find things to busy myself with when she visits so she doesn't feel like I'm watching her and DD like a hawk. Not all DILs are monsters who want to cause trouble. The OP doesn't seem like she does either, more that she wants practical advice to enable her MIL and DS to have a good relationship regardless of what has previously happened.

The problem is that on sites like mumsnet, if you scan the AIBU page now you will see so many posts about MILs and so many posters egging each other on to go no contact. The site seems to be lacking in people who understand that regardless of whether you like your MIL, your child has the right to get to know their family. Also it's shocking how many of the threads complaining about their own moms get responses of 'just forgive her, she's your mom'. I hate the double standards.

My MiL told me straight that no girl would ever be good enough for her son and she was quite bossy when DC were young. However, I was polite and friendly to her, even when I could quite happily have strangled her and we ended up having a very close and loving relationship. I think at the start she was worried that nobody could look after her son as well as her, but he was on my side and we had a good moan after she'd gone home!

Perhaps your MiL is thinking the same? Be kind and patient, I'm sure it will pay off.

Some people can be very insensitive around miscarriage, if they haven't had one themselves they don't know what to say and do and get it all hopelessly wrong. Fifty years ago when I had a couple of miscarriages the older women around me expected me to pick myself up and get on with it leave a suitable gap and try again. Obviously I can't imagine what MIL did or said but was it actually meant in a really horrible way or was it just complete thoughtlessness. Chat her arrival over with your husband not having a go about his mother too much and agree how you will play things. I agree with the smiling and asking about your husband's babyhood, you may find a clue there to why she has certain attitudes now. If she wants to hold baby sit with her and take big breaths.