New Sibling

Tantrums are a normal part of development but most children have grown out of them well before the age of 5.
There may be children who are extremely easy-going and placid who never do have tantrums (I had one like that) but it is not really the norm.

Best ignored imo.

That is so helpful Padine. It's nice to hear so many Grands telling me that sibling jelousy is common, as are tantrums. I think you are right and GM & GD's home should be a safe haven.

Wow GabriellaG - never had to deal with a tantrum! D&SiL did all the things you suggested and are excellent parents. So many books out there with advice on tantrums I guess they must be fairly common in most families, so well done you . . . . . . .

This might be useless advice but for what it’s worth, here it is! I was nearly 4 when my sister was born and I hated her as she had stolen my mum+dad! My mother very clearly preferred her to me and nearly 55 years later still does. Thankfully I had fantastic grandparents and a very close aunt+uncle living nearby too. My happiest early memories are of weekends with my little case, climbing into Grandpa’s car and off to stay with Granny and Grandpa. It was obvious as my sister+I got older that she was the favourite and when I was 13 my father said we were both his daughters so if he wanted a favourite he could choose.
Basicall Grande, talk to your older granddaughter, reassure her it’s ok to feel how she does and listen to what she says. I do remember climbing into my one year old sister’s cot to read her a story when she was crying and was so pleased that she stopped crying and smiled at me! I’d say make Granny’s house a wee haven, still with Granny’s standards but special treats too!

JackyB sorry to have worried you. My own to were 18 months apart and often, because we travelled a lot, had only each other to play with. Also the elder couldn't remember a time when the younger wasn't there. So it's a new experience for me but my daughter has just read Calm Mother - Calm Baby, and despite saying she didn't like children up until she was 9 months pregnant, has turned out to be a brilliant mother. We had a good talk about it in the park this morning and think between us, and all your helpful comments, I'm beginning to see a way forward. Thanks

Grannyparkin she has all of those things and does sometimes emulate Mummy in caring for her dolls but it's good to hear that that helps. I'll suggest the bit about choosing her we siblings clothes as she loves choosing her own clothes. Thank you!

Oh dear - this is getting me worried. DS2 is expecting his second child. Its big sister will be just turning 4 when it is due, and is being very well prepared, and has always loved playing with her dolls and is looking forward to having a real baby to help with. As Doversole said, I would have thought that the 4-year-gap was ideal. I hope things don't take a turn for the worse when it arrives, although DiL is extremely competent (she is a nursery teacher for children with difficulties) and should be able to keep things under control.

The very same DS2 was 5 when his younger brother was born, and also enjoyed mothering the baby. I really can't remember anything about the relationship between my first 2 who were less than 2 years apart, so it can't have been very bad.

But, in the case of Grandelinquent's little ones: There's no way of knowing how kids are going to react, is there? But I would have thought that by 4 years old at least you can explain more to them and involve them in the baby's daily routine, so maybe it will soon resolve itself.

Also - at 5 years she is having to cope with a lot herself. I think of it as a pre-pre-puberty. They are just getting their 2nd teeth and hormones are messing them up inside. Like all other stages of development, some people are more affected than others.

Deedaa I was told a variation on that when I had my second baby.:

Darling I love you so much that I'm going to get a new wife! She will live here with us and you can help me look after her. I'll still love you but we will both love her and she will be here for ever. Won't that be lovely? Aren't you excited?!

It does put into perspective some of the feelings of older children when they are told about a new arrival!!

I think it must be difficult for your granddaughter.

I hope things improve.

I once saw a comic strip in a parenting magazine that showed a woman saying to her husband "Darling, it's been so wonderful having you as a husband that I've decided to have another one!"
Needless to say the husband wasn't impressed by the idea and the wife couldn't understand why!

GS1 who is nearly 12 gets very annoyed with GS2 who is 5 1/2 and will try to join in with his games. GS2 gets upset by this, but is annoyed with his cousin GS3 who is nearly 5 and trying to join in. GS3 gets upset, and so it goes on...........

When she comes to visit you, could you have an activity planned that you and she can do together? Something that you casually mention she is big enough to do now. Baking a cake perhaps, making simple doll's clothes or grubbing up dandelions in the garden.

It doesn't matter really what you do, but something that she can do that a little baby cannot, so she can feel important and loved.

The root of her "bad" behaviour right now is that she is feeling displaced and unsure as to whether her parents and you still love her, now that the new baby is claiming so much attention.

Thank fully we have'nt had any problems like that with our Gc .Three who are now 30,26 and 22 never shown any signs of jealousy towards each other, all still live at home ,in a very loving environment. Their father is part of a large Irish family and there's always been lots of cousins around,still is now too.Some you win and some you lose. I know I was'nt overly keen when my brother came on the scene when I was four And from memory I think that lasted till I was in my early teens.

Coming to see Granny can be a time when being the older one is an advantage - she can do 'big girl' things that the baby can't do yet.

As for granny always being angry - maybe she needs to know that it hurts granny's ears when she shouts and screams!

I think a 4-ish year gap is perfect. There is 4.5 years gap between my two DDs and it seems to work well. they are caring friends, and perhaps precisely because they are not so close in age, the sibling rivalry issue has not emerged (at least not yet!) . They are also quite different in temperament, looks etc, which means they tend not to suffer from being compared to one another - lucky I guess.

Your DGD will be at school soon. Once this happens it can go two ways - she will live being the big girl and the new arrival will just be a baby. Or, she can be so jealous of baby getting to be with Mum all the time. Try and do "grown up things with her emphasising how boring it must be being a baby. Hopefully she will settle into being the big sister. Her tantrums I would say are normal for a 4 year old. You are right, Grandma's place should be where there is less strict rules. My GD 6 years basically takes over when here, enjiying doing what her parents dont have time for ir can accommidate on the spur of the moment. Hope peace prevails.

My other children were 16, 13, 10 and 8 when their little brother arrived. They coped very well with the newcomer, but I think that our eldest son was mortified to realise that his parents were still ‘doing that.’
He left for Uni 2 years later, and never lived at home again. As a result he and his little brother never became very close, which is sad.

She is probably jealous as mabon says, but feels guilty that she has these feelings as everyone is supposed to love the new baby.

Perhaps children's books to help her deal with her feelings may be useful and help her realise that her feelings are quite normal.
www.littleparachutes.com/category/experiences/new-baby/

And others will be available

I'm just wondering if she spends a lot of time with you whilst the new baby is with Mummy. She may well be wondering just how much fun her new sibling is having with Mummy when she's not there.

It's the same if a child is due to start school just when a new baby arrives - they may enjoy school but at the same time be worrying about the new arrival having Mummy all to themselves.

I would try to make sure that spending time with you is as much fun as possible and that she knows that her mother and the baby are having a really boring time at home as the baby is always asleep.

I have a GD who's 6 and it's all the other way around . Her older bro is 11 and dotes on her, from day 1 , he has watched over and cuddled her at every opportunity. Now since starting school she has become an antagonistic little tyrant toward him and he gets upset but never retaliates. ( maybe he should sometimes).It doesn't help that she is extraordinarily bright and can sometimes outwit AND outfox him. He's no duffer himself. But her vocabulary and abilities just seem to keep on coming whereas his are at a more pedantry rate. All you can do is keep hugging and loving and at the same time enforcing your rules in your house... and try not to break the spirit she so obviously has! She's feeling a lot unsure of herself , and new baby is the only 'cause' she has to know why she's feeling angry. She'll calm down when she knows the newborn won't be getting ANY cuddle that's meant for her alone!

She is jealous

Mine all fought like cat and dog until they left for university, when they realised they actually missed each other, and for a while organised 'sibling nights out' until their families arrived. Now they are experiencing it for themselves with their own children, it is part of life. DH's uncle was apparently seen todding off down the garden path with his new baby brother saying he was going to drown him in the water tub!

"why is Grandma always angry?".

I wondered if your dgd may have asked this as she might be feeling very angry about the situation and not yet able to know how to deal with the anger arising.

Perhaps you could play the angry-happy-sad-afraid-ok game? Where you both 'pretend' to be all those feelings to show that they are all normal and ok and it can help to get rid of them - if you're allowed to stand and scream and be angry it usually helps it to become manageable - and then once a huge part of the feeling has gone it becomes easier to talk about.

Maybe talk about the things you can do when you feel angry or hurt would be helpful too.

Let me tell you that sibling jealousy can continue throughout life. I am 75 and younger sister 71 - 4 years apart. She has never liked me. I have always been 'in the way' that is, between her and our parents. She has done a lot of unkind things to me but still I find her decision, a few years ago, to cut me out of her life altogether, very hurtful. She lives closer to me than any of my offspring but consistently refuses to answer any cards or letters. No 70th Birthday card for me! I still have no idea why she is like this. I find it hard to accept but must, of course.
So, other G'netters, be aware!

Why would you think that any age gap would present a problem? The child was presumably aware of the impending arrival, well before time and could have been involved in the preparation. If, on the other hand, she's been spoilt and her every wish granted, then the result could be tantrums.
My five had 4y3m, 5y5m, 2y5m and 4y10m between them and we never had any problems. They all took turns carrying the latest arrival out of hospital and each brought a special garment entirely chosen by them, to dress their sibling in on the ward.
Personally, I'd ignore tantrums but then I've never had to deal with one.

It will pass. I can remember reading that their anger and unhappiness is aimed at their caregivers (parents, grandparents) because their life has been scarily altered and you let it happen! Not the new sibling. My husband is strict with my grandsons, and the eldest 6 year old is convinced grandad hates him. It's heartbreaking. I don't let DGS get away with bad behaviour as such, but I understand when it is outright naughty, emotional, or just hyperactivity. Hubby treats it all the same and thinks I am soft! Sometimes a cuddle and some quit time together is necessary.