Disrespectful grandchildren

Like Paddyann said at the beginning of this post with her daughter...our daughter was the same and in her early teens was a nightmare. Showed no interest in the rest of the family and only her friends were worthy of a mention. She’s 40 now and lives in Australia but is always calling us and sending videos and photos of our grandchild. She’s a fantastic mother and wife so don’t despair, your granddaughter will get through this phase. Just be there for her whenever she needs you. Try not to argue with her. This pandemic has been trying for everyone.

My wife and I have brought up 2 generations of children and can say boys can be a pain when they reach the age of 13/14/15 as they try to assert their needs to be the Alpha in the family etc. but can often be distracted by sport or other activities. However girls from about the age of about 12 are a nightmare, sullen, withdrawn, prone to hysterical outbursts etc. Both genders can sleep for the land then spend the night texting/listing to music/reading, are reluctant to help around the home and are very very self centred.

However the great thing is most become really nice people by the time that they reach the age of 21 years old, people that you would choose to know.

Some of the comments seem to accept this is typical teenage behaviour. To a certain extent the teenage years do bring some behaviour that we do not view as acceptable. However to be downright rude and disrespectful to both a parent and grandparent is definitely not acceptable at all and should not be ignored. It is about time to deal with it and nip it in the bud before it goes too far, To ignore such behaviour is basically allowing her to continue the disrespect. Start laying some ground rules down and be firm about making her obey them. She is probably bored. Try and get her interested in doing things. Do some crazy cooking -chinese, italian or similar not the same old cottage pies etc. You could also enjoy such activities. I have done loads of cooking with my grandchildren - girls and boys. We have had lots of fun and they have amazed me with their innovations. Do competitions together - if you win something all the better. Just try and gain her interest in things other than her phone! Good Luck!

Unfortunately it's not going to get any better, anytime soon. If you can devote a bit of time every day listening to your GD's issues, without judging, she will appreciate that. Just see it as a phase... Best of luck.

Covid-19 and lockdowns are awful for everyone but I think especially for young ones. They're adrift from their friends, struggling with online school lessons and probably going stir crazy.

Instead of avoiding her, just reach out to her and ask how she's doing. You're the adult in the relationship. It may take several attempts. Just tell her you're trying to understand and that you love her. It's really not rocket science.

I have four children and five grandchildren. My job is to draw them closer, not to distance myself from them.

Trisher. Exactly.

If you are lucky enough to have the sort of children who breeze through adolescence without the disruption of hormone swings, or the blood sugar issues like nana8 's DD, then it is simply that, pure luck. I've seen many parents and families during my career who had one or more problem children, the parents were often caring, often disciplinarians, often excellent role models, that didn't stop them being driven to distraction by their children. Crowing about how good you are as a famly helps no one. If you haven't experienced it you won't understand, so perhaps the best thing you can do is keep quiet.

specki4eyes

Victorian era? Oh please! I taught my children, by example, that being polite, thoughtful and kind made for a happy homelife. As teenagers they helped, pulled their weight and were a pleasure to live with. The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous. My teenage grandchildren join in every pandemic Zoom. We chat, laugh and they express interest in my daily life. They've been raised by polite, kind parents. If that's Victorian, well long may she reign!

I’m sorry but not everyone has such a perfect family, and it’s not all down to model parenting. You are very lucky. I’m sure other posters will Agree that sometimes nothing works if a particular personality is involved, or particular circumstances, eg divorce?

The “Victorian era” comment was really in response to the tone of this sentence “
“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”

specki4eyes

GrandtanteJE65 I'm moved sufficiently to post in absolute solidarity with you! You are absolutely correct IMO and this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her. Summerlove why do you so rudely criticise this poster for her suggestion? If children aren't brought up to be polite and helpful to those who have raised them with love and care, what hope is there for their future? Of course the pandemic is hard for children..its hard for everyone! It behoves us all to treat each other with respect. I agree.. take away the phone and the treats and demand some help and respect!

Asking if she mean to sound so rude is rude now? Interesting.

This girl is dealing with a whole lot more than any of us did at her age.

Sure she needs to learn to regulate her emotions, but she needs to be cut slack and taught lovingly.

The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous.

Specki4eyes No one has actually said that. We have generally said that teenagers are like that, which is something entirely different. Nor does it preclude these same children having moments and periods when they are a joy to all.

Most parents are firm and sensible with their children and have rules that they expect them to obey, but that does not stop teenagers throwing a major tantrum when you insist on some aspect of how they behave.

In many ways it is like the terrible twos all over again. No matter how firm or sensible the parents, if a 2 year old wants to have a tantrum, they will. Much the same applies to young teenagers.

I am polite and kind and so are my children generally but I don't want my family run like a dictatorship where my children obey me. Times have changed and I always just wanted them to know they were loved and looked after and when they were teenagers they could be rude/obnoxious but underneath that they were good kids, they just felt comfortable enough to show me how they felt even if it wasn't very attractive. I am no model Mother anyway, I can't imagine many people are really.

Victorian era? Oh please! I taught my children, by example, that being polite, thoughtful and kind made for a happy homelife. As teenagers they helped, pulled their weight and were a pleasure to live with. The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous. My teenage grandchildren join in every pandemic Zoom. We chat, laugh and they express interest in my daily life. They've been raised by polite, kind parents. If that's Victorian, well long may she reign!

Agree with trisher. I also found that if the child is feeling worried about something else, guess who they take it out on ? Mum. My daughter who gave me grief was a model student at school but when she got home she would let rip. I learned to get food and drink into her quickly from when she was very young because she would calm down then. Sometimes she hadn’t had any lunch at all for whatever reason.

Lucca

“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”

Wow. Victoria era anyone ?

I do wonder if these posters have ever dealt with truly upset and emotional children. I would have welcomed someone trying to "stand up" to me when I was about 14, I was spoiling for a fight.
Some things I learned about dealing with problem children.
1) Pick your fight- work out what is vitally important and what isn't, then drop the non-essentials and focus on a couple of improvements
2) Model good behaviour- if you want your child to have good manners then make sure you have them first and behave towards them as you would have them behave.
3)Always leave an 'escape route' for the child. There has to be a way back from bad behaviour for them and you have to make sure the lines of communication remain open.

“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”

Wow. Victoria era anyone ?

GrandtanteJE65 I'm moved sufficiently to post in absolute solidarity with you! You are absolutely correct IMO and this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her. Summerlove why do you so rudely criticise this poster for her suggestion? If children aren't brought up to be polite and helpful to those who have raised them with love and care, what hope is there for their future? Of course the pandemic is hard for children..its hard for everyone! It behoves us all to treat each other with respect. I agree.. take away the phone and the treats and demand some help and respect!

My youngest is 15, so in the middle of a pandemic and now knows that she cannot take her exams that she’s worked so hard for.

Please remember that your granddaughter is separated from her peers, aside from phone contact.

Is this behaviour unusual for your granddaughter?
Depression is rife amongst young people at the moment, so perhaps look at the Young Minds website to see if her behaviour has anything to do with low mood.

Despite this, she should be doing her daily schoolwork. Perhaps talk to your daughter about sitting down with your gd and setting ground rules.

Schools usually send lesson information to parents, so your daughter should know when your gd should be doing her work.

I would perhaps take her phone while she is supposed to be in lessons, and if she refuses to do schoolwork and sits on her phone, turn your WiFi off.
And don’t turn it back on until she agrees to do the work and put the phone down.

13 year olds don’t like being told what to do, so she WILL try and kick back. Your daughter needs to stand her ground otherwise the next few years will only be harder ?

Good luck!!

Day to day.

Carmol. I think perhaps the word “parents”Is telling. Much easier I’d say when there are two parents involved day to say.

My granddaughter is 13 tomorrow and having a difficult time also. However she is never allowed to be rude to her parents. My son takes her lifeline which is her phone away for 24 or 48 hours

I agree Lucca so easy to criticise and hand out advice which does not reflect the current situation. Some very harsh comments on here.
At thirteen your granddaughter should have some consequences to her inappropriate behaviour stjohngirl but the adults should also realise that she must be struggling too.
Typical adolescent angst combined with normal life being turned upside down is bound to have some adverse effect.. All of you should try and clear the air a little and be a bit more tolerant.

My heart goes out to teenagers having to get through these horrible times. Not able to 'hang out' with their friends, not even able to 'escape' from their homes during school times.

Having brought up seven children including four girls, I have to admit I did hate the teenage years. Can well remember when the last one turned 13 yrs I actually said, that I could do this again.

Obviously really rude and nasty behavior cannot just be ignored, but in these times I would think long and hard before taking away the 'phone from this youngster. It is in the present circumstances, her only connection with friends, etc.

I had some dreadful teenage traumas with mine (girls were definitely worse than the boys). The ones that had their really bad years early in teens were actually easier to cope with than the one who was lovely until she was 18 yrs old and then started. Obviously, I had no control over her at that age, and when I used to her those silly word 'Not whilst under my roof......', she just upped and left!!

At least with 13 year olds you have some control. So, do not make a battle out of everything - just remember the conflicting feelings racing around in her hormonal head. Be loving and sympathetic and ' be there' when an occasions arise when she wants to come and talk and/or be a child again.

Just to say, we all did survive. All have turned out into loving, caring adults. The one who caused me so much heartache in her later teens has apologised so many times to me for her behavior then. She threw away her chance at that age of getting into Uni.......messed around for a few years and then settled down in her late twenties. Got a great degree, a superb professional qualification, and now, at 50 plus years old, is a very high flyer in that. So, do not get too hung up on missing opportunities.

“ Punish for bad behaviour (loss of tv priviliges, computer, phone etc) other than schoolwork and reward good behaviour. Its really that simple and lockdown is no excuse -”

So simple. So easy to give out advice. It isn’t that simple. Circumstances do make a difference, I was on my own with teenage sons and couldn’t do a thing with the older one.

No excuse for calling her mother rude and nasty names as you say, I too can’t believe the number of people making excuses for this teenage girl, everyone is finding it tough, not just her for goodness sake, I wouldn’t be fighting with her, she’d have the phone taken away until she learnt to behave decently

Wow - cannot believe the number of people who are saying to just ignore the bad behavior! 13 year olds are old enough to understand the difference between good behaviour and bad behaviour - covid is NOT an excuse! Punish for bad behaviour (loss of tv priviliges, computer, phone etc) other than schoolwork and reward good behaviour. Its really that simple and lockdown is no excuse - does the teenager think any of the rest of us are happy about being locked down? Time for a reality check!