Relationship with in laws (I’m the DIL)

The fact that your father in law came to the cafe suggests to me that he wanted to see you, and struggled to go round the zoo with you to be part of the family party. It is sad that you were unaware that father in law was on crutches; did you phone to ask if he was all right after your meeting and offer to help if they needed it? Your response that 'you were cheesed off' because they had not told you about the crutches was not exactly sympathetic, was it?
I really don't know what you want or expect from a relationship with your in laws; your husband seems to have no interest in them at all. Perhaps he could play with your son while you talk to them; it could be the knowledge that he has no interest them inhibits any relationship developing between you.
It sounds a pretty miserable situation to me, and I don't think the fault is all on their side.
And has been suggested several times; have you invited them yet to your house for a meal?

@eazybee no I did not. DH asked them at the time if they needed any help and they said no and made a joke about unless DH could magic a new knee up. PIL are very direct, I wouldn’t expect them to say they were OK if they were not, so no reason to have needed to follow that up. Not that I was asked how I was after having major abdominal surgery to birth their grandchild, mind.

A meal at home doesn’t work for us, we are more likely to organise something in the daytime and I would prefer to go out than be at home. Everyone is booked up on the days we are all available though, so I think DH will probably go and see them by himself at some point in the next couple of weeks after work.

Smileless2012You can simply encourage your husband to be more proactive in his relationship with his parents but of course that will be up to him, and then step back.

They may wish to be more involved when he's older as your H has said your m.i.l. "doesn't really do small children" but only time will tell.

Talk to your H, tell him how you feel and that if it's your decision to step back, that's what you're going to do and it will his responsibility to arrange times for his parents to see their GS.

Brilliant. Wraps up what's been said and ties it to a bow!

Pumpkin I can see from your further description of the zoo trip that what with FIL, crutches, PIL who don't really interact with DS, pouring rain etc etc it must have been a pretty miserable day! Oh dear!

Have you discussed in detail with your husband everything you have said her e? Do you know how he feels about it all and how he feels about their relationship with your son? If not |(sorry if you have said you have done that and I have missed that) I suggest you do that and then together decide a way forward. If you definitely wish to draw back then he needs to know that within the context of how you all move forward with PIL.

Hope you can sort things out in a way that woks for you as a family,

Pumpkin82

Regarding the trip to the zoo, we started with coffee in the cafe, then PIL insisted they would come round with us but FIL was struggling and kept stopping to sit down for a break. DS then fell asleep for his nap and by the time he woke up it was chucking it down. I didn’t really fancy walking around by myself in the rain (DH would have stayed with PIL in the cafe). I was annoyed at myself for not being more assertive at the start of the day but I was taken aback that FIL was on crutches to be honest, he had been on them since before we suggested the zoo, I was a bit cheesed off that they hadn’t told us because we wouldn’t have suggested the zoo if we had known.

PIL don’t really interact with DS. FIL finds him easier than MIL, DH says she doesn’t really ‘do’ small children which is why she gets so stressed about providing childcare for BIL. That’s partly why I don’t enjoy sitting down for coffee, because I sit there entertaining DS on the floor and they watch from the sofa. Feels awkward and I can’t be part of the conversation really because DS constantly wants interaction at this age. They sit and talk to DH, I guess this is another example of feeling like they don’t care much for me, they don’t try and bring me into the conversation, just leave me dealing with DS.

I don’t think I’ve been unfair in ceasing to organise things and message as I did before. I was coming round to the school of thought that they are DH’s responsibility to sort out, and my side of the family are mine. I also realised I wasn’t enjoying seeing them or getting anything out of it, and now I have so little time and different priorities than before I had DS.

I don’t know if I really ‘want’ anything from them either. I think perhaps I am worried I am doing something wrong or that I should be doing more, but I also feel like I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to do so many things that I don’t enjoy. Life is so short. I’ve never been good at putting me first, and I guess I worry I am being selfish by leaving it to DH. Having seen what they’re like over the last year, I can’t see them having a great relationship with DS. But is that up to me? I guess what this thread is helping me to realise, is that I probably can’t manufacture that by myself anyway, and even if I could to a degree, is it the right thing to do? I am not sure it is. I don’t think it would feel genuine.

I’ve had a read of the thread about things you wish you knew, and that is encouraging me to think the way I’ve explained above too..! Rightly or wrongly

I think you’ve done a wonderful job trying.

Time to let your husband do the heavy lifting. Be present and social, but stop doing all the emotional work for 5 people.

Thanks Norah