Grief for my mother

May I send my condolences firstly. This is my first ever post here.
I have obviously joined and searched at a desperate time as my mum is 85 and I'm guilt and panic ridden daily, almost 24/7. Almost rigid with what ifs.
You can only do what you can any time.
I'm guilt ridden whatever I do as I moved 60 miles away 2 years ago, had to financially
, she is alone in her flat with a few of my sisters to hand but they're 60+ too or disabled or unwilling with my mum determined she wants to end her days in the flat. I'm 65 this month and continually In a mental health disassociation crisis. Living with it daily so draining unable to explain to anyone.

My mother died in 2008 and I was not there when she passed away. But she was a very private person not given to showing feelings or affection much, and I believe she didn't want anyone there. She often just wanted to be left alone, not enjoying people visiting that much.

My step sister and step brother united to arrange the funeral, clear the house [which took nearly 3 months of weekends], and my sister saw to the money being divided equally - money from Mum's savings and house sale.

My relationship with my mother wasn't the best, I 'lost' her when she married my stepfather and I was very much them in the background/ignored. I didn't bond with my half siblings that well as the age gap was too big. But I thought we handled the tasks of funeral, house clearance/sale civilly and we were friendly and I felt closer to them.

Half siblings have now branched off and don't bother with me, I haven't seen them for over 12 years. [It's complicated]. I send Christmas and birthday cards, they send them too. But I feel punished somehow and am sad at losing them - the only other people who knew my mother. I feel they know something I don't. And I feel lost [and hurt]. Mum wouldn't want this.

All sorts of feelings, regrets and sorrow is unleashed when parents die and only time can calm us. But it's tough and I hope maddyone and everyone who is grieving can find some peace and dwell on happier times and memories of their loved ones.

My condolences Maddyone

maddyone my mum died in similar circumstances, except she was in hospital. We were there in the afternoon, she developed breathing difficulties in the evening which turned into pneumonia and she died just before midnight. I think sometimes you not being there somehow frees the person so that they are able to leave. You are left feeling guilty but for them it was easier. (Mum kept taking off her oxygen mask and instructing staff "Don't ring my daughter" of course they did, but she died before we got there)
I'm sorry about your sister. Deaths and wills can bring out the worst in people and families. I hope you get through the bad times.
Grief is a funny thing. I always thought people who hung on to ashes were just weird but it took over a year for me to take my mum's to be with my dad's in the family grave. Somehow having them with me was a comfort.

maddyone, in the future, you'll be able to remember without feeling all the upset and guilt. The happy, peaceful memories will come back to the surface. Try to ignore your sister as much as possible and only communicate through others (her son, perhaps). Think of her as a very sick/unwell individual - rather than a deliberately nasty one. (I do know that helps, from experience.)

biglouis I don’t think we ever ‘get over’ the death of a loved one, but we learn to live with it.
For me, my sister’s behaviour, although to some extent expected, has made everything so much worse than it could have been. I need some peace to grieve my mother and not all these allegations which are untrue.

I still miss my grandmother who died in 1979. She died quickly from a heart attack with only one of my aunts present. There was no warning and its unlikely that she felt pain or knew what was happening. The paramedics pronounced her dead at the scene.

However she had long resigned herself to the fact that at 96 she was "living on borrowed time" and had even told us that she was happy to go in the night "If God takes me".

My sister and I had a difficult relationship due to her mental health/personality disorder and her alcoholism. She also had a difficult relationship with mum, frequently refusing to text mum or speak to mum because she didn’t like something mum said or did, such as coming to live in the south near to me because mum knew I would give her support in her old age, which I did. For that my sister refused to speak to mum for nearly five months which grieved mum a lot.
Anyway when mum was dying I put our differences aside and invited my sister to stay with us. I also gave her £400 for her travel expenses because she had no money. After mum died I involved her in everything, the funeral arrangements, the paperwork, the bank details. I went through everything with her. I crossed the Ts and dotted the Is because I know how difficult she can be. I am also aware that she lies and manipulates the truth. I hosted her again for the funeral and when she left I hoped I had done enough by involving her in everything to be above reproach.
Of course I was wrong. She is now reverting to type by sending me abusive texts suggesting that I’ve not allowed her access to any documentation regarding mum (I did, I shared everything with her) and that I’ve removed some Swarovski crystal that she wanted from the flat. In fact I wrapped up all the crystal and sent it via her son to her, keeping none for myself because my mother had told me the crystal was for her. In fact, I didn’t really want it anyway. She has alleged three times that I ‘kept back’ pieces of the crystal. She is also alleging that I’m preventing her from getting her inheritance despite the fact that we’ve gone to Probate and it has not yet been granted. These allegations are making me feel very upset, especially as I’m missing my mother so much.
My sister has always been difficult and I eventually decided to cut contact with her due to receiving frequent abusive texts from her. I always realised that I would have to have to do with my sister whenever mum died. I thought I’d done the right thing. I didn’t expect such nastiness so soon, although I did expect it would resurface at some point. I hoped to be able to get Probate done, complete the sale of the flat, and pay out her 50% share of the inheritance and scatter mum’s ashes before the unpleasantness resumed, and so I was unprepared for these accusations to arrive so soon. It is just so upsetting and adds to the grief I feel. My husband and I have done all the work to clear the flat, give my sister the things she wanted, applied for Probate, sold the flat, in fact all the work that had to be done to clear everything up after a death. My sister has done nothing whatsoever except this latest abusive behaviour. I don’t mind her doing nothing but I do mind the abuse.

Thank you for the compliment on my name. It’s a family name, but obviously not exactly. There are other Maddys on here, and so I just stuck the one on the end.

Yes indeed Caleo. I sometimes go through all the things I said or did that I now wish I hadn’t. My mum wasn’t always an easy person, but I do believe she loved me and I loved her. I wish I’d realised that she was so near to death earlier that week, but I didn’t, although I realised she was deteriorating. I wonder why I didn’t spend every minute with her that last week. I visited of course, and I read to her which she liked, but I just didn’t realise how near to death she was that week. I feel guilty about that. Yes you’re right, I miss her, that’s the loneliness, the sadness, sometimes it’s overwhelming, and the guilt of course.
Sending you Caleo.

Maddyone. Sorry, it's a nice name. My keyboard makes me do wrong things with my fingers.

Maddtone, I know what loss feels like; sadness, loneliness, remorse, guilt, anger even. So many mixed up feelings.

Sometimes I imagine the losses we suffer are like physical weights being added to us that we must adapt to.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum Mumof3b. it will be a considerable time until any inheritance makes its way to you, and so you don’t need to worry about that now. You must spend the money, when it eventually arrives, on whatever you feel is appropriate. I can’t give any further advice.

My mum died nearly 4 weeks ago and I will be receiving her money once everything is sorted. I have this huge guilt of getting this money, I dont want it I'd rather have my mum. Its not a lot of money but enough, my husband asked me if I would lend him 6 thousand of it so he can buy himself a new car and he will repay me 100 a month. I think this is a huge amount of money to ask for considering she has only just died I've not even got the money yet, my dad lent me a 1000 so I could pay for my own insurance and tax for a year on my car which I will give back once I get my mums money. So that's 7 thousand pounds and she's barely cold, am I being stupid in not wanting to give my husband this money? I wouldn't even want to spend that much on myself I'd rather it sit in my bank and use it for stuff that's really needed ie trips with my kids and maybe a little holiday for us as a family as the last 5 years has been tough with my mum being ill for that long, I think we just need to go away and relax after the hard time we've had and come to terms with the death of my mum

Oh my goodness Mutie I have only just seen your post. I’m so sorry. Losing your mother is very difficult. Whatever the relationship between you in earlier days, your mother is your mother. No one can ever replace her ever. It’s very early days for you and it’s very painful in the early days. You’ve probably not yet had the funeral. I found the funeral of both my mother and my father (he died six years ago) very painful and stressful. I miss them both, but as my mum died so recently, I’m grieving her more at the moment. I often cry and feel desperately sad. I miss mum enormously at this time. I know time helps to heal so that the pain isn’t so acute. You will be feeling much the same. Let your faith support you, but it won’t stop your grief. That’s something we all have to go through whatever our beliefs.

Oh my dear friend, I feel your pain. I just lost my mom this past Monday, 25th October. The heartache is unbearable. I'm the only child. Came down in September from Pennsylvania for mom's 90th birthday. Both my parents retired to Florida. I'm down here now comforting my Pop who was married to mom for 57 years. What helps is knowing mom is no longer in pain. Mom loved Jesus very much & was a Christian. Being a Christian myself, I just know I'll see mom again in heaven.

Yes you’re right Blossoming. We have to make new memories.

BlueBelle,your post brought tears to my eyes. I think we all feel guilty because of what we didn’t do, whereas I’m told we should remember all the things we did do. I wasn’t with my dad when he died either. He was also on morphine and when given his last dose simply collapsed and died. I’d been at the hospital with mum the previous day, but mum was old and felt she couldn’t sit up all night with him, and needed to go home to sleep as it was late. I felt I should go with her as she shouldn’t be alone at such a time. He died at 6.30 the following morning. With mum I feel the guilt because I felt sure she was sleeping and would last till the following day, but I misjudged. I should have stayed and I didn’t. I have to live with that now.
You’re right BlueBelle. We don’t forget these memories and probably always feel regret. I guess it’s part of life.

I’m glad you enjoyed Greece MaddyOne, making new memories is part of the healing process and it doesn’t mean you forget the old ones.

Please don’t beat yourself up maddy I was with both mum and Dad but with Dad I just sat there watching him breathe it was like I was in a trance and afterwards I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t held his hand he was on morphine so was drifting away but why oh why didn’t I hold him I just sat watching him breathing waiting for that last breathe
There is always something to beat yourself up about I had sat with my Nan nearly all afternoon and one of my three small children called me and I went to them I was probably gone half and hour and when I went back she wasn’t breathing I felt so guilty and that was 30 plus years ago and it’s never left me
I had to shed a tear over this post for your mum and my mum dad and precious grandparents I come from a tiny family and they were all I had I still to this day miss them so much
*Parlourgames’ my mum and dad both died in 2012 it still hurts so much and two of my closest friends lost their husbands it was not a good year

You’re right Bea I think I was able to enjoy Greece because my mother never went to the place where we were, and so there were no memories there to remind me. I thought about her every day, especially when I woke up, and I had a few tears now and then, but the different place was good for me. Now we’re home, all the memories flood back.

I am so sorry for your loss maddyone. It is still early days although I miss my Mum dreadfully and she died in 2012.

I don't think we actually 'get used to'a loved one dying', more a matter of learning to live differently without them.

Sending hugs to you and anyone else grieving.

maddyone as much as going away was difficult..coming back home will be too..believe whatever our ages we all miss our mothers' deeply...thinking of you

Thank you for kindness everyone. I’m so sorry for your loss madeleine
I enjoyed our time in Greece, and found it helpful. Of course I miss my mother a enormously, especially now we’re home again. It’s difficult time.

So sorry Maddyone- Reading your post, I am really worrying about my daughter and wondering how she will cope when I’m gone. She is divorced. Her 2 children are in Uni. I really hope she will find a nice young man, to share her life. Love is painful.

i hope you can enjoy your holiday a little , even though you will be thinking of your mum every day. Being away might be a little helpful as you wont be especially reminded of her as you would in favourite walks or places at home. My lovely husband died and I have had to move house leaving my precious garden etc and all the things we did together , and due to health problems I have had to even change the car as I cant get into low down cars anymore. So today was actually a lovely sunny autumn day, I went out to do something and as it was so nice, I carried on and went up to our special place at the top of Swaledale. We used to go there and take coffee and see the birds and the beautiful countryside. I scattered his ashes there. So today I went up to our place and actually walked about a little and said aloud , well it is so lovely here and I hope you approve of the car swap. Sounds crazy to some people, but after a bad few weeks I found it a very worthwhile trip and calming and relaxing, away from all the awful news and worries in the world at the moment. So maybe as time goes on you will be able to find somewhere that meant a lot to you and be able to just feel you can go there if you need or want to. It could be just in your garden or swimming or whatever means something to you and although no one else will know it , for you that will be a special place. I also have a little thing I do , remembering my wonderful granny , who meant so much to me. She used to say dont put flowers on my grave , give them to someone to enjoy. So I planted snowdrops and iris reticulata on the grave, but on her birthday and the day she died, I like to buy a small bunch of flowers , or a little plant in a pot. Nothing flamboyant. Then I give them to someone who I think would enjoy the surprise, of a little gift , not on a birthday or anything . Just unexpected and usually I try to get good perfumed flowers. I dont mention my granny, that is my memory of her and the things she did for others, but it does lift the spirits and I feel I have made my little acknowledgement. She died in 1961 and I have done it every year since then, and see it as a memory and connection with her. At the moment it is too raw for you, but possibly something like this, or perhaps , if you have a garden, planting something you connect with her especially would be comforting for you. Wishing you some rest and relaxation and peace